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by Matt Tomko (All
league Pole-Vaulter)of the Scallion staff |
MISSION
STATEMENT
STAFF
HOME
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Round and round and round they go, but do they ever get anywhere? |
Hey, it’s me.
Back again. And have I got news for you!
This "sport," track and
field, is a hoax! And I've got the scoop.
To begin, there aren't even
any balls! You throw nothing! You kick nothing! There are no bats, no
gloves, no goals, nothing! Just a rubber oval! It’s a joke!
Equipment makes are going
broke because of this sport
Furthermore,
there is no excitement! People just run around this rubber oval, over,
and over, and over! There are no clutch shots, no hard-hitting tackles,
no amazing saves, no nothing! Just, left foot, right foot, left foot,
right foot, blah blah blah. Its crap!
Sometimes, they
trick you into thinking that there is something to watch, when they hand
off the batons for some unknown reason, but in actuality it is a segue
into more running. And, normally, everyone finishes, so no one loses.
I guess there is
some ulterior motive
behind this, like some sort of Satan worshiping
ritual or something, but I don’t' understand. I bet if I was out there
running, I could be a champion. I mean, I know how to run. How hard
could it be?
And the worst
part; How long do you think these track games last, anyway? Ten minutes?
Fifteen minutes? Wrong! Anywhere from three to ten hours! Its torture! I
think we should take those captured Iraqis and force them to watch these
things. Then, they might decide that they don't want to live and end
their own lives, leaving us free of blame.
Supposedly,
there are something called “field” events. I am not one hundred percent
sure what that is, but I have an idea... I think it deals with being
blindfolded, and trying to identify objects by feeling them. I am not
sure what they have to do with track, but I guess it is more exciting
than watching people run in circles. Excuse me, ovals.
In conclusion,
I've tried to warn you. There is nothing positive about track. Some
indigenous cultures believe a camera can steal your soul; I believe that
watching track can make you impotent and gives you scoliosis. Stay
clear, for you own safety! And that is the scoop. Until next time,
hollar at your boy!
Back to
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HP Mc Runs-a-lot keeps on keepin' on without a clue as to why or
how long they will be running |
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