sHeEr SiLlIneSs

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?

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A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

SILLY QUOTES

HECK is where people go who don't believe in GOSH.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

7/5 of all people do not understand fractions.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

52% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.

No mind is thoroughly well-organized if it is lacking a sense of humor.

Apparantly, chocolate does not reduce stress - but at least chewing it keeps you from saying things you'll regret.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Never miss a good chance to shut up!

INVENTIONS THAT DIDN'T SUCCEED

The waterproof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical pencil sharpeners

Powdered water

Waterproof tea bags

The helicopter ejector seat

Things that make you go hmm...

• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to.
• Which is the other side of the street?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
• Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows?"