One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.
So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that letter said?
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Oh, you didn't get one either?!?
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied,
"It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered,
"There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...
"They're looking for me."
A man's in bed with his wife when there's a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 in the morning. If they wanna talk to us, they can come back in the morning, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and this bloke is stood outside.
"Excuse me, sir" says the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3am! I was in bed," says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dan, you are an idiot. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts: "Hey man, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please!"
Still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?!"
The stranger replies, "I'm over here on the swings!"