I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong.
Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, "Why me, Lord? Why me?"
All of a sudden ther was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said,
"Because, there's something about you that just ticks me off!"
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions and the teacher said that was alright.
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes
Little Girl Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?
TRUE STORY!! (seriously, it was in a newspaper!)
A woman was visiting her inlaws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and because Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And sadly enough, she was a blonde.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied,
"The balcony."
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed in the early hours of the morning, the man removed himself from his bar stool and left the establishment. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking alone on the sidewalk.
The really drunk fellow stumbled over to the nun and surprised her with a knuckle sandwich to her face.
Before the surprised nun could react, the drunk fellow punched her yet again, knocking her to the ground. Then, the drunk fellow kicked her in the rear end.
Finally, he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By now, the nun was very weak and almost lifeless.
The drunk fellow stumbled over to her one last time, glared down at her and said, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman!"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused away.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent out e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard.
And, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.
Satan screamed,
"I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"
Jesus just sat and smiled.
Again, Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on, the screen glowed and when he pushed print, it was all there.
"How did he do it?" Satan asked.
God smiled and said "Jesus Saves".