For Women ONLY
IT'S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN:
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses and teachers with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget or don't have time to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
We never have to reach down every so often to "adjust" ourselves.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how stupid men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
BOYS
A heart is not a play thing,
A heart is not a toy,
But if you want it broken,
Just give it to a boy.
Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing,
They do it just for fun.
Boys never give their hearts away
They play us girls for fools,
They wait until we give our hearts
And then they play it cool.
You will wonder where he is at night,
You will wonder if he's true.
One moment you will be happy,
One moment you will be blue.
If you get a chance to see him,
Your heart begins to dance.
Your life revolves around him,
There's nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen,
You worry day and night.
You see, my friend, you're losing him.
It never turns out right.
Boys are great, though immature.
The price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeous,
But remember, he's a guy.
Don't fall in love with just a boy.
That takes alot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man
To get what you deserve.
So when you think that you're in love,
Be careful if you can.
Before you give your heart away
Make sure that he's a man.
FEMALE COMEBACKS
A LOVELY LITTLE STORY
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like i have G.E. LOGO printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied,
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have WESTINGHOUSE printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have ACE HARDWARE written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already Fixed. He then sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband asked.
To which she replied,
"Hellooooooo...do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
So many men, so few who can afford me.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your friends are suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're wondering if there is an adopt a uterus program...and you're more than willing to donate.
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
If you didn't believe in God before, you are now convinced that there IS a God and he is DEFINITELY male.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The Ibuprophin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
Why chocolate should be a food group.
The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
The difference between beige, offwhite, eggshell and cream.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash Curlers.
How you can never have enough closet space.
The difference between pretty and skanky.
The need to re-arrange furniture.
And the Number One thing only women understand...Other women.
MEN (I'll humor you and not call you boys)
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like horoscopes...they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like laxatives...they irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like parking spots...The good ones are already taken and the rest are handicapped.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?...The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How do you save a man from drowning?...Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?...Bonds mature.
What do you call a man with half a brain?...Gifted.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?...Because those men already have boyfriends.
And finally, to any guys who have read this: Men Can't Follow Directions! see top of page: For Women ONLY ;)
