31 October 2002 – stuck on an island
- i hate when our friendship feels like a competition.
- our fantasy league is MADNESS!! madness i tell you!
- you know what else is madness? the craaaazy colors over at introspooktion. madness! (...though i do kind of LIKE said madness. its a nice change...)
- halloween is a good time. collecting cans, dressing in my pebbles costume that i sewed by hand, debating a calibration round, and now relaxing with a good book, some candy, and a cup of tea.
30 October 2002 – dance of the seven veils
- went to the boston ballet with alan tonight. it was amazing. i miss ballet a lot. but at least i can go and see it. it was so cool, we bought student rush tickets for $12.50, and because a wednesday night performance isn't that busy, they stuck us in the SECOND ROW of the ORCHESTRA SECTION. crazy royal treatment for students in boston. okay by me...
- REALLY REALLY looking forward to the tourney this weekend...
29 October 2002 – glory
- so i got 10 out of my 13 draft pix off my original rankings. not bad. unfortunately, i only got one of my pix for center - cliff robinson, who is OLD. in case you missed that. OLD. anyhow, in a contest for who stole the most of my players, we've got (in descending order) - whitty(a whomping SIX of my picks), greg(4), stor&em(4), dk(4), sep(3), em's friend(3), em's brother(3), zimmy(2), pat(2), rabin(2), and wrapping up, kate, freez, and drew all with 1. damn harrison. stealing all my centers. bah. oh well, i've still got a decent team. i have a feeling this is going to be much fun.
- wow. so the econ midterm definitely went less well than i would have liked. i really should have taken that class pass fail. damn. hopefully i'll have some good news waiting in causes and prevention of war tonight with our first paper. i can only hope. {{sigh}}. no matter. its a relatively nice day out, and i have run lola run hair. HEHEHE. lydia and i dyed it last nite - i still had dye left from last year, that BRIGHT red shit from newbury comics. i wanted a change. besides, it'll probably look hot with my leopard print halloween costume....hehehehe
- you know how sometimes you've got something you REALLY want to say, but for some reason you can't? like you're afraid about how it will come out, or what will happen afterwards? well if you know that, then you know when you finally get the balls to just spit it out?? isn't that just the greatest feeling? yes, yes it is. and especially so when it turns out just the way you wanted it too. smiles at the end of the day for me. :-)
28 October 2002 – don't have time
- lots on the agenda today. class, lunch, registering for next semester, to the fabric store to get costume stuff, little reading, dinner, volleyball, debate housing stuff...
- you've sparked my curiosity. but then again, when don't you do that?
27 October 2002 – ride
- i'm sad i missed columbia this weekend, but it was so nice to hang out with jonathan and felber. (& shannon and jim it was nice to meet as well.) i love those guys so much. they've just always been such good friends, and i really get the feeling they always will be. and it makes me happy to know there are people like that around, that i'm going to hang onto, cause they are worth it. so in any case, we had a great time hanging out yesterday -- going for lunch, driving around boston, stacy's party. fun fun times. and after all that, they brought me back to brandeis in time for modfest. much good did it do me. a bruised face and a bruised ego.
- yeah, anyhow, on a better note, i took a ride today. to sutton massachusetts. i went to purgatory chasm, and it was awesome!! it was not just hiking but rock scaling too. i went with brian and crack, and we had such a good time. it felt so awesome to just be spontaneous like that and drive forty minutes to go hike. but we couldn't have picked a better day. cool, sunny, beautiful new england weather. (catch it while it lasts, eh?) in any case, a perfect way to spend sunday afternoon.
- its funny to me that there are a couple of people who are all probably wondering if yesterday's comment refers to them. well, all but one of you is wrong. good luck with that.
- run lola run. strange movie. strange, and intruiging.
26 October 2002 – fuck or die
- sometimes i really hate you.
25 October 2002 – freak of nature
- wild things, in a nutshell, is a lifetime movie with a better budget. horrifyingly chessy/bad/self-aggrandizing crap, but somehow you can't help but watch it.
- so i never gave a crap about bob dylan before now. ever. but i just saw wonderboys yesterday, and i found myself REALLY enjoying the soundtrack as i was watching it. (great movie, by the way). anyhow, i went to download the soundtrack today and found out HALF of it was bob dylan. huh. who'd have thunk?
- well they're off to columbia. hope all goes well. as for me, i've got friends from jersey on the way up, and hopefully looking at a fun fun weekend.
24 October 2002 – do you love me
- so i've totally had the "pick up and go" attitude lately and i've picked up and gone with it, and its bringing me a lot of fun times. today i was looking at this guide to day trips around boston and i found this place. it looks so beautiful, and i'm definitely going to try to get there before it gets too much colder. looks like a great place to take some shots as well, which i can hopefully start developing in the brandeis darkroom soon. check out this pic. in any case, i guess i'm just continuing to find it really is the case that i'm happiest when i am always busy, always doing something, going somewhere, seeing someone, whatever it is. but the more i do, the more i want to do. and since apathy and atrophy are misery, i think i want to do it all. hope all is as good with all of you as it is with me.
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I'M 57 PROOF. HOW DRUNK ARE YOU?
- AHHHHH! So if any of you whippany boys did or still do read this online journal - PAY ATTENTION!!!! Paul Oakenfold is going to be at exit in nyc the night before thanksgiving. wednesday the 27th. i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go but i don't want to go alone. do any of you have any interest in going? cause outside ali (who doesn't usually make techno a priority concert-wise) i don't really know anyone 'round jersey who wants to go but you guys. give me a shout if you see this and you're interested because PAUL OAKENFOLD IS MY GOD!!!! if any of you deis people aren't going home for turkey day and want to come home with me and see oakenfold you're more than welcome, though in my groups i feel the chances are slim.
- "i said copulating, i meant procreating." oh lord. its the end of the world as we know it.
23 October 2002 – girls room
- phish, "bouncing around the room." great song. just makes you feel happy.
- creative juices are quasi-flowing today.
- gotta do quizzes every little bit...
Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty
22 October 2002 – you have no idea
- well that didn't go as well as i would have liked. but se la vie, i suppose. so in order to cheer myself up after a bad midterm, i went into cambridge. by myself. it was great. i drove in and figured out where i wanted to go, and walked there, and just explored the city like i haven't really gotten a chance to yet. it was a great time. and such a nice day, i should have brought my camera. anyways, its nice to get pleasure out of small things like that. tata for now.
- bernbaum just needs to learn a LITTLE moderation. thats it. if he just got that, he'd be fine. grr.
- boo. a whole hour at harrison's suite and no hot jay. boo. lol.
21 October 2002 – i know its not easy
- thats right. studying for a finance midterm is apparently not easy when you have missed several classes. not as bad as east asian, but still bad. well at least i've got this handy TI-86 of alan's to help me along...
20 October 2002 – canary
- these guys are really funny.
- one more thing about this weekend. i decided i love lillian. she's just so damn nice. and look - she even has a blog. isn't that fun?
- In other news, apparently I am a fridge. What are you?
- So randomly I decided to walk by the Hiatt Career Center after lunch today and I saw a flier about the MOST FUN INTERNSHIP EVER. Its working for this Boston Ballet Outreach program that teaches dance to children. I would love to do that sooo much. Dance was something really important to me when I was younger because it was my thing that no one could touch. And its something that I still have a great love for, (just like kids) so this program is right up my alley. Its 12-15 hours of work a week, which I could definitely pull off since I'm not doing much this semester, & I would get discounted tix to the Boston Ballet by working there. Fun Fun Fun. The only problem - I have no idea how old the flier I spotted was. So as soon as I got back to my room I called the woman and left a message asking her if they still needed interns and to please let me know. Keep your fingers crossed - this is something I'd love to be doing with my time right now...
19 October 2002 – can't get out of what i'm into
- couple of comments on this weekend:
1.) VASSAR = far prettier than brandeis could ever ever be.
2.) How can a round with me, bragin, pat nichols, and adam jed have the HIGHEST speaks in it be a 25? HOW? And how is it that AA lost when I gave the BEST pmr I have ever given for it??
3.) PANELS - WHY WHY WHY???
4.) Tim Willenken knows way more about philosophy than I may ever know. Bragin saved my ass in that round. And apparently I speak too fast.
5.) Third round is ultimately unsatisfying.
6.) Friday night parties will never quite work out how you intend them to.
7.) Boo preemptory challenges. But, I outspoke Beth O'Conner in our round. If nothing else about this weekend went well - that is good enough for me. Yay for 27/1.
8.) Apparently, when Helen Rosner gives a 13 min. MG I should call her on time. Otherwise Matt Rand will give her the 1 in your round b/c she talks prettily. Boo boo boo.
9.) Apparently Will Newman and I make the most amazing entertainment jeopardy team ever because I listen to music and he watches television. Okay.
10.) Elaine Ewing qualled for nationals.
11.) Ben Hebert has improved by LEAPS AND BOUNDS since the last time I saw him debate.
12.) I love my teammates. Such a good time - always.
13.) Out of the teams in the break, Bragin and I hit 3 of them. Our five rounds went something like this: "lose to break team", "beat break team", "beat random novices", "beat team who would have broken if you didn't beat its ass", and finally "lose to break team". Woohoo.
14.) ...oh, and Bragin wants to have Adam Unikowsky's children...but only if they're genetically engineered, right???
- No but in all seriousness, despite our relative success of sorts, I really didn't like how debating was going this weekend. I just REALLY didn't feel like things were jiving, and that scares me. And saddens me.
18 October 2002 – go on ahead
- to vassar i go. with bragin. ta ta.
- oh, and one more quick thing. i decided last night that i LOVE the cure. and that LULLABY is the most amazing song in the world. yeah. amazing. yeah. thats pretty much all i can say.
17 October 2002 – johnny feelgood
- its a beautiful day out, the rain is gone, and my east asian midterm was nothing but a breeze. i think life is good.
16 October 2002 – wild thing
- interesting things brewing.
- i think i might die from studying this much. though i guess thats what happens when you don't go to class for the whole semester and then have to take a midterm.
- i'm really getting tired of this rain.
- i LOVE staples. does anyone else ever just get in that store and can't control themselves?? cause thats always what its like for me. i just want to buy all this stuff - office supplies - i love it. ever since i was a little kid i always loved back to school shopping cause it meant new pens, and fresh blank notebooks, and folders, and labels, and all that fun stuff. (wow did i just say that?) i am such a freak. but its all good. i love myself nonetheless. :)
- hm. a little too weird for me. cute yes, but definitely too weird for me.
15 October 2002 – hurricane cindy
- being conflicted - it sucks.
- maybe that wasn't the right choice.
- bragin and i wrote a new case: "we're going to argue that to prohibit all TV, radio, newspaper, magazine, billboard, and stadium advertising is socially pragmatic. now we understand that right now under the constitution its a violation of the first amendment, but we're arguing what a society 'ought' to do..." you like?? we actually have pretty dang good reasons. i love our cases this year. they're just so good (not to be modest or anything, but really :) )...
14 October 2002 – shatter
- WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??? WHY AM I SITTING IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER ALL PRETTY AT THREE IN THE MORNING CRYING MY EYES OUT??? I HATE THIS, WHY CAN'T I EVER BE ALONE AND BE HAPPY? I JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND.
- you know you go to brandeis if: there are more than three rebeccas on your floor...
- went to talk to the east asian prof today about missing two discussion sections, and she was totally cool. we chatted for a while and she said it sounded like i would be fine for the midterm on thursday, and that because i actually bothered to talk to her about being sick she knows i didn't spend that time in a bar as opposed to in bed, etc. basically, PROFS ARE NICE SO TALK TO THEM!!!
- less than 24 hours and here i am fucking crying again. no more tears over this. none. i'm fucking done with it. tonight is the last time, and after that i'm done. this isn't what i wanted. i thought i could handle it but apparently i can't so fuck it. it's not worth it to cause me this trouble. other than this i'm happy, and i don't need anything to ruin that for me right now. so thats it. i am fuckin done. i can't fucking cry any more because i'm the only one who FUCKING cares....
- now i'm here and its easier said than done i suppose.
13 October 2002 – what makes you happy
- fun times at the psycho room last nite, despite a few strange moments...
12 October 2002 – explain it to me
- wow. wow for that. i needed to hear those things too. so thanks. a lot.
- but I'M STILL ANNOYED I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MINUTIA OF TEENAGE MATING. :-) whatever. that was a really good night. and i learned to hula-hoop!
- sadly no breaks for brandeis. i hope no one gets too disollusioned by that, as the judging and leaking, and politicing at this tourney was BUSTED AS HELL. let me tell ya. but either way, i had a good time, and i think the rest of our contingent did too.
- Take the test, by Emily.
11 October 2002 – waiting for the bird
- boo. big bad boo on you. oh well. ps, for some long lacking cryptic content - e would destroy m&p in b b/c of the ls of cw, that lb. theoretically.
- so even though no one on the brandeis debate team loves me enough to debate with me this weekend, i'm still going to wesleyan anyway. i'm gonna go judge. i'm kind of sad that i'm not debating, but there's nothing i have to do this weekend thats more important, or more fun, so i'm going. we only have two teams - nikki and justin, and jon and eric. i guess thats what happens when parents weekend, homecoming, jordan factor's wedding, and midterms week all come around the same time. boo.
- i do like judging though. especially when there's such a lack of competent judging at a particular tournament that adam jed pulls you aside and forces the TD to let you judge his round. hehehe.
10 October 2002 – strange loop
- my feelings seem to be taking somewhat of a strange loop recently which i felt accentuated tonight. interesting. either way, they're not serious, so its cool, but still weird. i've decided that as far as the present situation i'm in - fuck it. i'm going to use it like its using me cause thats really all it is. and it was on the table to be only that from the start - so its really mostly my fault if i let it become something else. so i'll just enjoy it for what it is - something quite different then most things i've been involved in before. fair enough.
- so i've decided there is DEFINITELY a correlation between me being online and people going to my online journal, cause lately i've been averaging 12 hits a day, and yesterday when i wasn't online all day i only got 5. mm-hmm. DO YOU PEOPLE STILL NOT KNOW THE DARN ADDRESS OF MY WEBPAGE?!?!?! ok, enough rant for now.
- "always late to sleep/late to rise/lying here watching the day go by/in the living room/there are people on the carpet/having stupid conversations/just to hear themselves talk/and I am drifting through/I am heading for the kitchen/I am thinking of his fingers as I walk..."
9 October 2002 – white babies
- my mom cried when she saw me tonight. she actually cried. family love. thats what i am talking about. fuck everything else - there's nothing in the the WORLD like the love of your family. and i am so thankful to have the one i have.
8 October 2002 – perfect world
- well that was a nice catch up chat. i'm glad to have had that opportunity. interesting that now it comes.
- in a perfect world, i'd always have something to be doing. or maybe thats only perfect in my crazy mind. either way, i went to class again today. but i still come home after lunch, balance my checkbook, do a little reading, and am left at 2:30 in the afternoon with nothing to do. so i've been thinking - maybe i'll get a job. no doubt i'll be pressed to get all my schoolwork done, go to debate practice and tournaments, and do my normal routine stuff if i do get a job, but i think it would be good. first of all cause i'd always be busy (which i like) and second of all i'd be pressured to get all my stuff done (which is why i think i like being busy.) i'm just one of those people who works better under pressure. anyways - food for thought...
- one other piece of my thoughts today: i am wondering what all my friends from high school are up to. jerseyans, michiganers, all of you. not only am i wondering because i'm curious, but theres more to it than that. something thats been plaguing my mind lately is the fact that there's still an utter lack of direction educationally. there are plenty of things which i enjoy studying - history, poli sci, econ, psych, even english sometimes - but nothing that points me towards something that i want to do forever. everyone keeps telling me that i shouldn't worry about it, that i have all of college to decide. but what i see right now is that there are four classes (next semester) between me and having to declare a major, and i feel no strong inclination towards ANYTHING. and not only that, i don't feel finished exploring all the areas i could possibly want to. this is a BAD BAD thing. but then i hear tidbits of info from/about people from home - like this one's an english major, and this one's a history major, and this one's premed - and stuff like that - and i wonder. do they all know what they want to do with their lives?? or, like me, have they been forced into arbitrary decisions in order to satisfy their respective colleges? who knows. but i wish i could talk to some of them and find out. maybe i'll get on that. cause right now, i just feel REALLY REALLY lost.
- yay for the blue pyramid finally changing the name of my journal. yay for a nice name. :-)
- that felt like a weird ending to things tonight. whatever. i am exciting to be going home tomorrow. i'm surprising my mother by coming home for her birthday. be back at brandeis thursday.
7 October 2002 – one less thing
- well, my econ professor finally got back to me. he's not letting me retake the midterm, instead he's going to make our one remaining quiz and the final worth more by putting the weight of the midterm in with them. i guess this is his way of saying, "i'm not going to screw you over, but i'm sure as hell going to make sure you are around next time - and with that much more responsibility." yeeha. well, at least he's not giving me a 0. also its one less thing to worry about for now and thats good.
6 October 2002 – beginning to see the light
- someday. someday i will find someone who loves me as much as i love them. i really will.
5 October 2002 – wasted
- oh no. stupid stupid beth. why do you do this to yourself?? you are three up and yet you get drunk drunk drunk, and possibly fuck up your chances of doing really well. oy oy oy. i guess i'm feeling the threes today. huh.
- WOW!!!!! brian and i went 4-1!!!!! and guess what else?? i was 22nd speaker at the tourney!?!?!?!?! i never in my wildest thought i'd be getting announced at any tourney this year. its very exciting, and it makes me happy that i'm being recognized as a good debater by my peers. the weekend was a lot of fun - i wish brian could have gotten a novice speaker award - but all in all i had a great time - getting to know him and other novices, and just debating well. yay for that. now its time to go to crack's party. i think this time, however, i'm going to refrain from actually PARTYING.
4 October 2002 – cyclone
- something else thats not so good. all the fun at the psycho room last night led me to SLEEP through my econ midterm this morning. oh no. maybe i can blame all the cold meds. i don't really see any other way i could have slept through my alarm. well, harvard starts today - wish me luck - hopefully i will start another tradition - of doing well at this tourney!!
3 October 2002 – shitloads of money
- well, this is something the debate team definitely doesn't have right now, but at least we are still flooding harvard. that is ABSOLUTELY neccessary, and i'm glad we're sticking with the only tradition i know so far. at least also i seem to finally be in good enough condition to debate.
- you know what occured to me today?? i haven't been to class all week. thats not so good. especially because now that i'm back at full strength health wise i realize that i have a midterm. tomorrow. oh no. silly silly econ.
- lackluster practice round. nicht so goot. but at least there was fun to be had at what i might now start referring to as the "psycho room" - both for its "beth-mind-reading" psychological characteristics, and because with me, alan, and andy in it things are bound to be a little crazy.
2 October 2002 – uncle alvarez
- well, after the worst migraine i've ever had in my life, i think the last remnants of both my cold, and my nicotine withdrawal are disappearing. thank god. i don't know how much more being confined to my bed not able to lift my head i could have taken. i actually missed debate last night. i never miss debate. but apparently brian "little factor" schon and i are going to harvard as "brandeis winning factor." let me just say i'm glad he's enthusiastic.
- the library used to be such a fun place to come visit. now it definitely just feels like work.
- such uncertainty with certain things. all the DAMN time. i wish all relations between people of any kind were easier, and that people would just always say exactly what they're feeling. i advocate total honesty. but i'm a big hypocrite and i know it, cause i never say everything thats on my mind. oh well. i still want to whine about it anyway.
- alright. that was total honesty and that was good. i just wish i could have possibly reached some more conclusions.
1 October 2002 – white chocolate space egg
- liz phair is the theme for this month...you like???
- i love my sister. if i had a dollar for every time thats been one of my entries... anyways, we just had a good talk, like we always do. but she just makes me feel really good, because when i explain things about my life to her i really get a sense that i have control over it. how i interpret things changes everything. and if i just take one good long look at it right now - objectively - my life is pretty darn good. and i'm happy i can say that.
