My life had been invaded by darkness since I was 8 years old. On January 14th 2002, they named that darkness as Depression. It was a relief, but the start of a long and hard fight.
On the night of January 7th 2002, my life seemed hopeless. Inside me lived some sadness, madness and guiltiness. It was painful. The pain was running through my veins. I felt ashamed and guilty of all the problems I had caused to my family and friends. I hated myself. I wanted the pain to end. I had been depressed for so long, that a small thing made me burst. I had a fight with my best friend so I decided it was time for me to leave this world that night. I wanted to die and be an angel to help my friends and family. I attempted suicide but failed. My sister found out and she called my mom. Two days after my attempt, I was in a very deep depression. My mom brought me to the emergency and they hospitalized me. They put me on Zoloft for the depression and Zenax to relax me, hoping it would take me out of the dark painful hole. But it wasn’t working, even though they kept increasing it. On my 4th week in the hospital I tried to kill myself again because I felt really hopeless and that I was causing problems and stress to everyone. But miracaly, the nurse got in the room at that moment. They put me back in the room in front of the nurse’s desk. I really didn’t want to live another moment. I was so scared. The next morning, they sent me the Sudbury Algoma Hospital (psychiatric hospital) for more help. They didn’t know what to do with me anymore.
I really took it hard when I got there. I was so scared. I stayed in my room for a couple of days. I didn’t talk much because I was so depressed. I was really deep into a depression at that time. The psychiatrist had put me on effexor and risperidone. Two weeks after I started the med I was feeling absolutely great. I had lots of energy, had big ideas of what I would do when I get home. I was so HAPPY. They sent me home and everything was going great, but just for a few weeks. The happiness went away… But I didn’t go back in a deep depression that time. In the beginning of May, I felt extremely good again. I walked around the town every day with no pain at all, I wanted to open a computer store, I got a job at a restaurant working full-time every day, I talked to everybody, got a boyfriend who usually wouldn’t of been of my type and stopped seeing my counselor because I was feeling really good. But it didn’t last for too long, in the beginning of June, I falled back into a deep depression causing me to attempt to kill myself again. I did a serious overdose of Effexor and risperidone. They hospitalized me again, and sent me to the Sudbury Algoma Hospital a week after. They diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder type 2. It was a relief, but hard to accept. The doctor put me on Topiromate as a mood stabilizer and Celexa as an anti-depressant. After 2 months in the hospital they sent me home to try out the outside world. It went o.k, but I really had a hard time concentrating and had no motivation. So, I had to go back for another month. He changed my mood stabilizer to Lamotrigine and increased my Celexa. It was going better and I was really missing my family and friends. At the end of August they sent me back home. Things were going really better. It was a miracle. The Children’s unit staff were excellent, especially the psychiatrist, Carol, Dr Persi and Lynne. They totally changed my life for the better. Thank you very much all of you. You are all my angels sent from above. And most of all, without my mother’s love I wouldn’t of had changed like this.
I changed doctor and counselor not long ago. It was really hard on me. But hey, we need changes. I lost hope a couple of times, but I got it back thanks to people who loved and cared about me. I still have ups and downs and psychotic episodes because my medications are still being adjusted… But the moral of my story is to never loose hope, there are people out there who cares and loves you. Never give up, there’s always something left even tough you think it’s hopeless. Everybody has an angel, even you.
Tika
