After 1 month and another suicide attempt at the Sensenbrenner hospital, they transferred me to the Sudbury Algoma hospital in the Children’s unit by helicopter.
“Hi! I’m Bruce. I have a couple of questions to ask you.”
“yeah.”
“How old are you?”
“16”
“Do you have cuts or scars?”
“I don’t know”
“Why are you here?”
“I don’t know” …
I was now sitting in the chair next to my mom with the youth worker in front of me with a binder and a blue questionnaire. I was lost. I was scared. I was mad. I felt like crying. I didn’t want to be there. In my mind I was yelling “I promise you mom that I’ll never try to kill myself again. Please take me out of here”.
I couldn’t have my stuff so I had to wear the hospital’s too small pyjama. When my mom had to leave, that was the hardest time of my life. She was crying and I was crying too. I was worried about her. I went to bed early….I didn’t want to eat neither watch tv. I wanted to stay in my room. I went to bed early, but had a long time falling asleep. The youth workers would check in every 15 minutes. I really hated that. My mom stayed in Sudbury all the time I was hospitalized.
It took me a couple of days to get out of my room and socialized with the others. I didn’t talked to no one. The psychiatrist started me on Effexor and risperidone. Day by day I started feeling way better. I asked 3-4 times a day when I could go home. I wanted out of there. About two weeks after they finally dismissed me and prescribed me to take 325 mg of Effexor in the morning and 1 mg of risperidone at night. I was feeling miracously good. When I got home I was so happy to see my family and friends and to sleep in my own comfy bed. I had lots of plans to do.
Some days I was happy, other days I’d be down. When May arrived, I started to be extremely happy, I loved life, I wanted to have a job and start a business and found a boyfriend. I also quitted my counseling sessions. Everything was perfect. I wanted to move in my own apartment also. I wanted independence. I tough I could do anything! Those happy days didn’t last long tough. Two weeks after I started my job as a waitress I felled into a deep depression. Voices we telling me that I wasn’t worth nothing and that If I die I’ll be a angel who could help my friends and my family. Everything was going wrong. I felt like I failed everything and that everybody was mad at me and embarrassed by me. I tought it was my fault that this had a happened. I’d write letters to the angels asking for advice. But they never responded. I then taught that I had been really bad.
One school night, when my parents and sister were asleep I went down to the kitchen to take my bottle of Effexor and a glass of grape juice. I sat on my bed and started taking 6-7 pills at a times and swallow until the whole bottle was empty. I lied down in my bed with my purple teddy bear that my parents gave me waiting for god to come and get me. I started feeling dizzy and lost, my mind was racing, I was agitated… I couldn’t stay in bed. I had to move. I didn’t sleep all night. I took my dog for walks all night. At 6 am my mom woked up and we watched tv. I couldn’t follow it as everything was so intense. I took my bath and got dressed for school. I went to school, but I was totally insane. Other students told me after that I didn’t make sense when they asked me If I was alright. I was staring at the walls. When I finished school I went back home and went to see my grandmother. I wasn’t feeling good at all. So I told her what I had done. She got me in the car, went to tell my dad while he was working at the cemetery and she brought me in the hospital. I was totally lost by the time I got there. I don’t remember what happened after. They transferred me to Sudbury Algoma Hospital and the psychiatrist told me he tought I had bipolar disorder but I need to be assessed. I stayed there 3 months.
