"Yamato, I never imagined…" Tai whimpered.
"I know. I never thought I would tell anyone, especially you. No offense."
"None taken," Tai replied between sobs.
"Tai, please, don't cry for me." Matt begged.
"I just can't imagine why anyone would want to hurt you, not alone your own father. IT'S SO WRONG! I hate this! Can't you do anything, get away from him or something?!"
"Tai, he doesn't hurt me anymore, he's…better," Matt stated, matter-o-factly.
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound too convincing."
"Yes…I'm sure." Matt hesitantly replied. "God, why can't I control my tears in front of you?!" Matt began to cry loudly, and buried his face in his hands once again. He sat crouched on Tai's floor, bawling.
"Matt…" Tai whispered as he got off his bed and moved over to Matt. "It'll be OK. We'll get you out of there."
"NO! I don't want to get my father in trouble!"
"Matt! If he's still hurting you, I…I'll kill him myself!"
"Tai, stop being so stupid. God, I hate when you get so full of yourself. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into."
Tai's heart ached for poor Matt, yet, for some strange reason he felt more than just sorrow. Tai, inched closer to Matt, but Matt didn't notice since he was too busy crying. Then, Tai placed a reassuring arm around Matt's shoulders.
"Tai, what are you doing?" Matt sobbed.
Tai seemed to be completely hypnotized or daydreaming. Tai just rubbed Matt's back, and brought his other hand to Matt's face.
"TAI!" Matt was panicking. 'What the hell does he think he's doing?'
Before Matt knew what was happening, Tai was leaning towards Matt and grinning. Tai wrapped his arms delicately around Matt's neck and closed his eyes. Then, Tai kissed Matt on the lips. Matt struggled to break free, but Tai clung to Matt, restraining him. Tai continued to gently kiss Matt, and then he slipped his tongue into Matt's mouth. Matt nearly gagged. Tai could feel Matt struggling, so he pulled him closer and gripped onto Matt, not allowing him any space to move at all. Matt's eyes thrust open and he stared at Tai's expression. It was one of true merriment, joy and pleasure. Tai looked so happy and peaceful. 'Is this his fucked up idea of trying to comfort me? Making out with me? This is so screwed up, I gotta get out of here, fast.' Matt's mind raced with so many confusing emotions.
Meanwhile, Tai was doing some thinking of his own. 'I always knew something was holding my back from asking Sora out, but I had no idea it was Matt. So all those weird feelings from the Digiworld were true, I was waiting for Matt. Being here like this with Matt feels so, right.' Tai continued to kiss Matt, not daring to open his eyes or break for air. He didn't want to face Matt's reaction. All the while, Tai was kissing Matt, with absolutely no response from Matt. Matt never kissed back. That didn't matter to Tai though, he figured he could easily break Matt and make him forget all about Shiori.
Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Tai pulled away from Matt, a devilish smile spread across his face from ear to ear. Matt wasn't sure how to react to this. So he did the only thing he was good at. He yelled.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!? HOLY SHIT TAI, YOU JUST FRENCHED ME!"
"Matt, please, I thought it would relax you," Tai responded. 'And quench my curiosity about you,' Tai thought.
"RELAX ME?! Any normal guy would have been like, 'Sorry to hear that man. Hang at my house for tonight, and go back home tomorrow. You'll feel better tomorrow morning.' At least that's what I would have done. But no, you had to kiss me. KISS ME?! WHY?"
"Honestly I don't really know. It's just seemed like the right thing to do."
"AH! Maybe to a freak like you!"
"Please, Matt, don't call me a freak." Tai was able to remain calm throughout this entire ordeal. He never once yelled back or swung at Matt. Now that he found out his true feelings for Matt, he didn't want to lose him. "Well, you know. You can still stay the night, and I hope you will feel better in the morning."
"Are you crazy!? I want to get out of here right NOW!"
"No, Matt. Don't go."
"Damn it Tai! How can you expect me to trust you?! I won't be able to get any sleep tonight!" Matt sat on the floor, almost hyperventilating from surprise, nervousness and anger. He tried quieting his breathing patterns, because he feared that Tai would feel sorry for him again. He never wanted to go through another moment like that again with Tai. Matt stared longingly at the door. Tai followed his gaze and got up.
"Matt, if you really want to leave, then go," Tai murmured.
Matt contemplated his next move for a while. He didn't know what to do, but looking at Tai's melancholy expression, Matt can't help but feel sorry for the way he acted. Yet still, Matt cannot help but feel nervous and uncomfortable with Tai. Tai had crossed the line and Matt has to live with the memory of this night. Finally, Matt stood up and looked at Tai standing in the doorway. He walked over to the brown-haired boy and said, "I'm sorry. I just can't stay here any longer." Then Matt turned his back on him and walked out.
Tai's eyes dropped to the floor and his face depicted pain all over it. He just thought to himself, 'It's OK. I'll get you eventually.'
Matt walked down the street with his hands shoved into the pockets of his pants. His feet dragged on the sidewalk, making scuffing noises all the way home. In his mind, Matt was dreading going home, yet he couldn't force himself to stay at the Kamiya's no matter what. He contemplated simply sleeping on a park bench for the night, and the idea was beginning to tempt him. But, Matt knew that was even more dangerous in the city than his house or Tai's. He decided to go home.
A few blocks from his house, he saw Izzy walking along the street with Mimi. His arm was placed around her waist and she was resting her head on his shoulder. They looked so happy to be with one another. Matt noticed that Izzy had caught up to Mimi, and they were both about 5'6'' tall. Izzy saw Matt first and waved to him. Then Mimi broke from Izzy and advanced to Matt.
"Hey Matt!" Mimi chirped.
"Hi you guys," Matt said blandly.
"I'm not a guy," Mimi giggled.
"I know," smiled Matt.
"So Matt, why are you out all alone?" Izzy questioned.
"Oh, I was just coming home from Tai's," Matt replied. Then Matt swallowed a lump in his throat and glanced at his shoes.
"Is something bothering you?" Izzy asked.
"No, I'm fine," Matt said.
"Well, you look a little down. OH! I know! You're still upset at Tai because he likes Shiori too right?" Mimi observed.
'I wish he liked Shiori,' Matt thought. "No, we solved that problem, I'm just, uh, worried about T.K. He got in a fight the other day and ended up with a concussion."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. How is he?" Izzy said.
"He's much better. He'll be going back to school on Thursday. The same day I will be going back," Matt stated.
"Tai's coming back Thursday too, right?" Mimi queried.
"Huh? Oh, yeah Tai. Uh, yeah he'll be back too," Matt added 'Unfortunately' in his head.
"That's good news. Well, we got to get home for dinner. It's almost six thirty. See ya later Matt," Izzy replied.
"Bye Matt!" Mimi cheered.
"Bye," Matt answered.
Matt resumed his walk home. He came to the corner and turned around to see where Mimi and Izzy had gone to. They had stopped briefly at a bus stop and Izzy was hugging Mimi and caressing her face. They gave each other a sweet, innocent kiss and then Mimi laid her head on Izzy's shoulder again. The two sat at the bus stop for a short moment afterwards, then rose and continued walking away. Matt smiled at the couple and then his thoughts reverted to Tai.
'I don't understand that guy. I could've sworn he liked Sora and Shiori. What was that about today? Is he losing it? It doesn't make any sense. Why would he kiss me, and then tell me that it seemed to be the right thing to do? How can that EVER be the right thing to do? Tai is so weird. God I hate him.'
Matt was trying to push the thoughts of the day's events out of his mind, but they kept reappearing and taunting him. Matt was confused and frustrated. All he wanted to do was get home, eat and go to bed before his father returned home. Matt quickened his strides and was soon at his front door. He took out his key and went inside the empty apartment. Matt walked directly over to his father's bedroom and checked the answering machine. There was a message on it. Matt almost feared pressing the play button, because he didn't want to hear some sorry apology or plea from Tai, but he pressed it anyway. It was T.K.
"Hey Matt. Um, I don't know where you are, but call me when you get in OK? Bye."
Matt darted into his room, picked up his phone and dialed T.K.'s number.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mom, I wanted to talk to T.K."
"Sure Matt, I'll get him."
Matt clung onto the phone, waiting for T.K. to pick up. He could hear T.K. telling Mom that he would take it in his room, and their Mom hung up the phone when T.K. picked up the other end.
"Hi Matt!"
"Hey T.K. I just got home and heard your message. What is it?"
"I just think that we need to talk about what happened on the phone this afternoon."
"OK. I was thinking about that too. I'm really sorry I went off on you and mom. God, I should have never cursed Mom like that. Even though she's my step-mom, I still love her dearly. Sorry T.K. if I hurt your feelings."
"It's OK Matt. I understand. You were frustrated with Tai. He can be a jerk sometimes. Oh, I also wanted to tell you that those rumors you overheard, you know about me, are not true. Sure I'm growing up, but you know what? I love having you as my big brother. You're the best."
"Thanks T.K." Matt sniffled into the phone. "That really means a lot to me. I'm so confused right now."
"Why? Did Tai hurt you again today?"
"Uh, well, he didn't exactly hurt me."
"Huh? Then what is it?"
"You don't want to know."
"You can't bring something like that up and then forget about it."
"Yeah, but I need to sort my feelings out on my own. There's no reason to confuse you T.K."
"Matt, I'm nearly 13. I think I can handle whatever you throw at me. Did Tai get Shiori?"
"I WISH Tai had gotten Shiori. At least that way I could simply beat the guy up, but no, this situation is much more difficult."
There was silence at the other end of the phone. Then T.K. shyly asked, "What did Tai do to you?"
"Tai? Well…you see he…um…I can't do this."
"MATT! This is ripping you apart. I can tell. What happened at Tai's house? Did he…advance on you?"
"T.K.! That's personal."
"HEY! You were the one to bring it up. I just guessed. So, Tai put the moves on you, huh Matt? I was wondering when he would kiss you."
"WHAT?! HOW DID YOU KNOW!"
"Stop screaming Matt. Wasn't it obvious?"
"No! If it was, I wouldn't have agreed to go to his empty house with only him."
"Well, I noticed that Tai was beginning to ignore Sora more and more. It first started after the Digiworld."
"That long ago?! Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. There would be times when I would catch Tai looking at you, more like, studying you. Haven't you always wondered why he hasn't asked Sora out? It's because he was confused. Tai doesn't like Sora. Tai loves Sora as a sister. Kari helped me figure out this one. She even told me that Tai talks about you at home, a lot. But just normal things, like what went on in school. She says that Tai always finds a way to include you in his stories."
"I…I don't believe this. Tai…gay? Tai likes me? That doesn't make any sense."
"Matt, don't deny it. The guy kissed you right?"
"Yeah, but…oh I don't know. I just thought he was nervous or something."
"No Matt. Tai really likes you; maybe even loves you. What are you going to do?"
"What can I do? I'm not gay, and I like Shiori. I have to let Tai down, but gently. Are you sure about all of this T.K.?"
"Positive. But, Matt, are you sure you're making the right decision?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you two are best friends right? Do you really have to hurt Tai's feelings? I mean you…"
"T.K.! How dare you say stuff like that! I'm not gay! Just because a guy likes me doesn't me I have to return the feelings!"
"Matt, if you're worried about how this will all affect me, don't be. Please don't worry about me. I can sense the nervousness in your voice. You don't have to hurt Tai. Not if you don't want to."
"But T.K…I don't know anymore. I have to go."
"Think carefully Matt. Bye."
"Bye."
Matt hung up the phone and walked over to his bed. He slouched down to the floor and leaned up against the bed. Matt gripped his fingers onto his blond hair, tugging violently at it, as if it would ease his rage. The words that T.K. had spoken only moments before rang in his head, bouncing all around his mind. He couldn't think straight. His thoughts were clouded with Tai, T.K., Shiori, Sora and Kari. This was too much for him too handle. Love? He was only 16. He had only had one steady girlfriend before this, and that had felt right. But, now looking back on that relationship, Matt had never loved the girl. Sure, he felt fulfilled and happy with her, but they were just…close friends. That's what the relationship had seemed like, two people exploring a new world of emotions. They had never gotten serious, but they dated for a year. Matt couldn't make sense of anything. He just wanted to go to sleep. He was mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Matt climbed into bed, and prayed that in the morning, things would have gone away. He never wanted to think about Tai, Shiori, Sora, T.K., Kari or the rest of the group again. Matt was being torn apart by this, and all he wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. Then all his problems would be solved. No more rumors about his overprotective nature. No more cold words for T.K., Kari and Tai to speak about him behind his back. No more Shiori to fantasize about. No more T.K. to look after. No more Sora to watch as her heart was wrenched apart. Most importantly, no more Tai. No more freakin', weird-ass, gay, cute Tai.
Matt shot up. 'CUTE? Where the hell did that come from? Tai is a guy. I'm a guy. Guys aren't supposed to say another guy is cute. Argh! I need to sleep on this.' Matt lain back down and forced his eyes closed. He did not sleep peacefully though. His dreams were plagued with pictures of the day's events. He thought of the Digiworld and what T.K. had said. He thought about Shiori and he thought about the kiss with Tai. Matt tossed and turned all night, sweating heavily.
It was a bright day, and Matt stood with T.K., Patamon and Gabumon. The group was finally taking a break. T.K. was asking Matt if he wanted to join him and Patamon in a game of Tag, but Matt said no. The inseparable pair nodded their heads and ran off gleefully. Gabumon looked up at Matt, and asked if he could go too. Matt smiled and told Gabumon to go have fun. Now it was just Matt, but he couldn't help but feel as if he was being watched. Matt sat down on a rock, and took out his harmonica.
He began to play, and then looked nervously around him. Turning this way and that, Matt didn't see anything out of the ordinary. T.K., Patamon and Gabumon were playing Tag, just like they said they would. Izzy was typing away furiously at his laptop and Mimi was standing over him. She had her hands on her hips, and a scowl on her face. She was obviously trying to get the computer wiz's attention, but nothing was working. Joe was sitting with Kari and he was teaching her to play some card game. Gatomon, Tentamon, Palmon and Gomamon were circled around Kari and Joe, and they intently watched the two play cards. A little farther off was Sora, Biyomon and Agumon. Sora was petting Biyomon on the head and Biyomon was smiling. Wait, where was Tai? He wasn't in the picture. Matt just shrugged and decided to forget about it.
Something was wrong though, he couldn't just forget about Tai. Matt's thoughts consistently returned to Tai. He hoped that Tai was safe. 'Stop it! Who cares about Tai anyway?' A voice in the back of his mind, and voice that he had trained himself to ignore whispered, 'I do.'
Matt put away his harmonica and briskly stood up. He was agitated. 'Where were these emotions coming from? They are not right,' he kept telling himself. Matt walked away from the group, but he didn't get far before stumbling upon Tai in the nearby woods.
"TAI!? Wh…what are you doing here?" Matt shouted, somewhat shocked.
"Oh, uh, nothing Matt. Just thinking."
"Does your head hurt yet?"
"Matt. I don't need that from you."
"Yeah, sorry." Matt rolled his eyes and continued walking.
"Matt? Can I ask you something?"
"I guess."
Tai nervously scratched the back of his neck and his eyes were focused on his own shoes. "Do you hate me?" Tai mumbled.
"Only sometimes."
"C'mon. Tell me the truth."
"The truth, well, no. You're my best friend Tai. How could I hate my best friend?" Matt flashed Tai his classic, beautiful smile.
"Oh, well, it's just that you always appear nervous and distant around me."
"Well, don't think about it too much. After all, this whole, fight evil digimon, and either win or die thing kinda bugs me out."
"Me too, I know what you mean."
"Is that all?"
"Uh, yeah. But Matt? Do you like me?"
"Like you? Of course I do. I just told you, you are my first 'real' friend. My best friend."
"But just a friend right?"
"Um, yeah. Right," Matt looked curiously at Tai. He looked very unsure of himself, to the point of scared. Although, Matt just smirked and shrugged it off saying, "Why don't we go back to camp, OK?"
"Sure Matt. Oh, thanks for clearing things up for me."
"You mean, how I feel about our friendship?"
"Yeah, and other stuff."
"Hmm?"
"Forget it."
"Uh, OK. Whatever you say Tai."
Matt woke up abruptly in the morning. "Oh my God. I totally forgot about that day. I forgot about my feelings towards him, and how strange Tai had acted. Now I understand what was truly bothering him. Poor Tai, having to live like this, putting on a front, pretending to like Sora. What am I saying? I have put on the same false front. Although, I just handled it better. I pushed those forbidden thoughts out of my mind entirely so many years ago, it was as if they weren't there at all. Tai wasn't strong enough to do that, he cracked. I have to tell him, now!" Matt talked to himself. Then he looked at the clock and decided that it was too early in the morning. It was only 9:00, Tai probably wasn't up, and he wouldn't want to be wakened by the phone. Matt decided to wait until his dad left for work, then he would go tell Tai in person. That would work much better.
Matt sprawled out on his bed and rolled over, waiting for sleep to take over him once again. Finally, Matt did fall asleep, excited that he would soon be able to reveal his hidden, forgotten feelings towards Tai.
Tai was up early. It was 9:00 in the morning and he was already dressed. Tai didn't know what to do, since Kari had gone to school and his mom and dad were both at work already. Tai paced around his room, compromising with himself whether or not to give Matt a call. He yearned to hear Matt's voice, but he feared that Matt would shun him. Tai didn't want to be rejected by his friend, and his admiration. Finally, he walked over to his desk and pulled out a small journal. It hadn't been used in quite a while, so Tai decided to see what his last entry had been. The last time Tai had picked up the book was the one year anniversary of the end of their Digiworld adventure. Tai read the entry.
Dear Journal,
can't believe we have been home for a year now. The days flew by so fast. I miss Agumon terribly. I miss the rest of the Digimon as well, they were the best friends anyone of us ever had. I wish I could see him and just talk to him about what has happened in the past year. I've learned so much about everyone, and myself. Mimi and Izzy have started dating, and they look so happy together. Even I can tell that Joe has always had a crush on Mimi, but the poor guy waited too long. He'll get over it though, Joe's gotten a lot stronger. T.K. and Kari are an unofficial couple. They are too young to do anything of course, but they hang out all the time. It's funny to see how they give quick, shy glances at each other, almost like they were in love. They are so funny to watch. There's Sora, who's grown up a lot. Her hair has begun to grow, but it is still shoulder length. She has her same "lucky hat" and she constantly wears her crest around her neck. All of us do. We have become so attached to the symbol, that I think the crests keep the memories alive for us. I think Sora likes me, Matt keeps telling me she does. He keeps telling me to ask her out, but I don't know. What if she doesn't like me? I'm not even sure if I like her, at least not that way. I know I love Sora, but it's more as a sister-brother thing. For some reason, something seems to be holding me back, restraining me from being attracted to her. I just don't understand. She's so wonderful, pretty, smart and kind, it's unbelievable. Then why can't I bring myself to ask her out? It's doesn't make sense. I need help with this, badly.
Although, there is something that confuses me even more than Sora. It's Matt. I don't understand the guy. Just when I thought he had finally trusted all of us in the Digiworld, it's like he's reverted to his old habit of isolation. Why does he keep distancing himself further and further each day? Something is really wrong with the guy. Something is really wrong with me. I think about Matt way too much just to be concerned for him as a friend. No, it's more than friendship to me. I want it to be more, but, I know Matt wouldn't go for it. He's too cool for anything like this. He could never feel the same way about me as I feel about him. He could never understand, I can't even understand it. I have to be strong, hide my feelings, but everyday, I'm reminded that he doesn't like me, that he is just a friend. His constant nagging about Sora is really starting to piss me off. I just want to tell him how I feel, but I can't. That would be disastrous. I would be better off killing myself, than confessing my feelings. Matt would probably kill me eventually anyway. Maybe, someday I will show myself to Matt. But not now, we are too young for this. I'm only 12, and yet I have such a strong attraction to Matt. God, it's torturing me. I can't write anymore. Till later, bye!
Tai put down the journal and sighed. His feelings had always been strong for Matt. It dumbfounded Tai that he was able to hide his emotions for such a long time. He had really shown Matt otherwise, never hinting at his love for Matt. Matt had been completely clueless, that is, until last night. Tai prayed that Matt would still talk to him, then he remembered the vow he had made last night. He would get Matt to be his, no matter what. Tai loved him too much to let the object of his affection for 5 or more years just slip away.
Tai walked into his living room and turned on the TV. Only one more day until his suspension was finished. Tai actually wanted to go back to school, to get his mind off of the blond hair, blue eyed boy. When he was with his friends, his thoughts didn't drift to Matt as often, he was able to control his emotions since his friends were all there to distract him. Unfortunately, now Tai's mind was able to run free, examining every emotion he felt for Matt. Then, there was a knock at Tai's apartment door.
Tai was surprised, so he nearly fell off the couch. After regaining his balance he walked to the door and looked out through the peephole. He saw the most wonderful profile in the world. It was the profile of Matt; he was gazing off down the hall. Tai could hardly control his excitement, but he was able to calm down, and finally he opened the door.
"Matt? Hi ya!" Tai said enthusiastically.
"Hi," Matt choked out.
'Uh oh. Is he still scared from last night? What's he gonna do?' Tai looked worriedly at his troubled friend. "Matt, come in."
"Thanks."
Both boys walked into Tai's living room and sat on the couch. To Tai's surprise, Matt sat down next to Tai, rather close too. Tai didn't care though, he liked being so close to Matt.
"Tai, I…I have to tell you something," Matt whispered.
"Yes Matt?"
"I…" Matt didn't know how to finish his statement. Instead, Matt turned to face Tai's curious eyes and smiled at him. It was a nervous smile though, and Tai could sense the hesitation in Matt's actions. Then, Matt eased his way closer to Tai, so that they were shoulder to shoulder. Tai felt the warmth emitting from Matt's body, and he was completely enrapt in it. Matt brought his left hand across his body, and up to Tai's face. He stroked it gently, and cooed, "My Tai." Then, Matt brought his lips to meet Tai's.
They lingered on the tender kiss, neither one wanting to break the perfect moment. Matt was the first to pull away, and he gazed deep into the other's eyes.
"How did this…" Tai started.
"I've always felt this way for you. I just learned to push the thoughts out of my mind. I learned how to forget and ignore them. Then, last night, you revived my desire for you. I had to tell you, or show you."
"And what of Shiori?"
"Forget her. I can become her friend. I have you now, and that's all that matters." With that, Matt leaned in and gave Tai another kiss, one much more passionate then the last. Matt pressed firmly onto Tai's lips and he ran his hand the length of Tai's body. Tai shivered slightly, but then allowed himself to relax again, and in doing so, pushed his tongue into Matt's mouth. Matt gladly received the gesture and he too eased his tongue to dance around with Tai's. Once again, they broke from the kiss.
"And Tai, what about Sora?"
"Sora is a great friend, and I would never hurt her, but she will have to accept that we are friends a nothing more. Matt! What if T.K. and Kari find out?! They'll be devastated, their world will…"
"Tai! They already know. T.K. was the one who told me you like me. He encouraged me to search deep inside myself for the feelings I buried so many years ago. Kari knows too, because she always talks about how you always mention my name. They knew, probably before we even knew of our feelings. It's OK. Everything will be fine."
Both boys beamed radiant smiles at each other, a very content couple. They held each other close on the couch, relishing in the warm presence of one another.
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