The INexperience of Master Samwise

It was not unusual in the Shire for a hobbit boy to take a liking to a hobbit girl. In fact, quite a large number of hobbit boys liked hobbit girls, which was the reason why so many hobbits existed in the Shire. Typically, when a hobbit boy liked a hobbit girl, he would act on his feelings by asking her out. If the girl accepted the boy’s offer, they would go out on a date, and if either party saw fit to continue seeing each other, they courted. The length of the courtship depended on the boy and girl’s tolerance for each other and the level of passion involved, and could in a variety of ways. Most popular of these ways were the “I’ve grown tired of you” method, where either party would grow disinterested in continuing the courtship and thus end it, and the “I will never grow tired of you” method, which usually ended in marriage.

Such social traditions were not on the mind of Mr. Frodo Baggins one beautiful day in the spring. He did not particularly wish to participate in them today, having been out of the house socializing most of the previous day, and did not care to participate in them ever because he was not interested in any female in the Shire. Mr. Baggins was very satiated in his bachelorhood, at the great dismay of almost all the hopeful single hobbit lasses in the Shire. Because it was unusual for a hobbit lad of his stature not to take a wife—or at least have an illicit affair—he was maliciously rumored to be what we Big Folk now would call “gay” (which here means “homosexual,” or “preferring those of the same gender in a romantic sense,” and not “happy” or “jolly”). Frodo liked to think himself as “perfectly satiated in bachelorhood.”

This could not be applied to Mr. Samwise Gamgee, Mr. Baggins’ gardener. Though it was commonly believed that Mr. Gamgee’s only passion was for gardening and Frodo, Samwise himself had a passion for Rosie Cotton. He assumed his attraction to Miss Cotton was a secret, though any hobbit who held no illusions of an illicit Frodo and Sam romance could make note of his attraction. However, the number of hobbits who held no such illusions was small, thus Samwise’s yearning for Miss Cotton remained secret.

Samwise was quite inexperienced on the matter of hobbit girls, having never participated in any social traditions with a girl before. Indeed, it could be said that Miss Cotton was Sam’s first interest of the opposite sex (or of any sex). Other females might have caught his eye in the past, but he had never felt strongly for any of them as he did for Miss Cotton. Now he wished to inform Miss Cotton of his intent to court her. However, like most males, he became awfully nervous when he was in the presence of a female he liked. His anxiety was not helped by his inexperience. What Samwise needed was practice, a good way of assuring that he wouldn’t flub when he talked to Rosie. But what to practice on? Who to practice with?

“Sam?” Behind Sam stood his master Frodo in what he referred to as his “lounge clothes.”

“Mr. Frodo!” cried Sam. “Taking a little stroll around the house, are you?”

“No. I was actually coming to see you. I want to send you home early. It’s not fair having me lounging around the house while you’re out here working.”

“Oh! But it’s my pleasure, Mr. Frodo! Besides, that’s what I do. I do the gardening, whether sun, rain, snow... And anyways, Mr. Frodo, I like gardening for you.”

“That’s nice of you, Sam, but I wouldn’t feel at all pleased with you toiling in my garden while I was at home, resting.”

“But Mr. Frodo--”

“And if you do not leave then I shall have to force you to come inside and have a smoke!” Frodo crossed his arms in the sort of way that made it appear over and done with. It was well known that no hobbit could resist the offer of a smoke, as all hobbits had a love for their own pipe-weed. Sam could not care either way, as long as he could go back to work afterwards. He accepted Frodo’s offer and followed his master into Bag End.

“Tell me, Sam, what’s on your mind? What’s going on with you these days?” Frodo inquired after the two hobbits had settled in the drawing room with their pipes. Not too soon after Frodo’s inquisition did the idea come to Sam of consulting Frodo with his girl trouble.

“Well, Mr. Frodo,” said Sam, taking a long puff from his pipe, “haven’t been doing too well, if you follow me... I’ve got myself a bit of girl trouble.”

“Girl trouble?” Frodo laughed, “My dear gardener’s found himself a girl, has he?” Frodo had never toyed with the idea of Sam being interested in a girl.

“No! No it’s not that, Mr. Frodo. You see, well, there’s this girl that I like...” Sam bowed his head and looked at his hands. His unattended pipe almost fell out of his mouth before Sam noticed and lifted a hand to keep it in place. Across the room, Frodo stared at him keenly, a small grin formed at the cracks of his mouth.

“What’s her name? Is she pretty?”

Sam flushed red and found his speech began to slip into a series of stutters. It wasn’t very easy to reveal the name of your crush in front of your boss. “Her name’s... Rosie Cotton.”

The amused grin on Frodo’s face widened. “Farmer Cotton’s Rosie?” Sam nodded shyly. “Why, Sam! I should say she’s very pretty indeed. I also should say I think she might like you.” Clearly, this news was shocking to Sam, and his shock was communicated through his widened eyes and the dropping of his pipe. Frodo grinned still, “Don’t you notice the way she looks at you whenever you come to visit? I’m amazed you never knew! Or maybe you were caught up in your own bashfulness to notice?” Frodo chuckled and took a puff from his pipe.

“I never imagined she would like... me...”

“And why not?”

“Because I’m… I’m inexperienced!” Sam sunk in his seat in shame while Frodo shifted in his own seat, bemused.

“Why would she know you’re inexperienced unless she’s stalking you? I wouldn’t put it past her...”

“Well if she doesn’t know I’m inexperienced I don’t want her to ever know I’m inexperienced! And the only way I’m going to do that is if I get practice, if you understand. But I don’t know who to practice with!”

“Practice with me,” said Frodo nonchalantly. Yet again, Sam dropped his pipe in astonishment.

“But you’re not a girl, Mr. Frodo!” And that wasn’t all. Frodo was his master, and it was Highly Inappropriate for gardeners to woo their masters, not to mention Highly Unusual for to male hobbits to woo each other.

“There’s nothing stopping you from pretending that I am a girl, Sam. Pretend that I’m Rosie, and ask me out.”

“All right, Mr. Frodo...” Sam lifted himself out of his seat and stared at Frodo uncertainly for a moment; then, gathering all of his courage he stood up straight and gave Frodo his best look of determination. “So… What do I do?”

“Ask me out! Say, ‘Hello, Miss Cotton, I think you’re very pretty and I’d like to ask you out on a date!’ Or something like that.” Frodo shrugged.

“All right...” Sam shuffled his feet in an attempt to regain his confidence. He tried his hardest to pretend that Frodo was Rosie, but he had to admit that Frodo was not nearly as pretty as Miss Cotton. “All right, Miss Rosie… Hello. My name is Sam. I was wondering if you would like to go out with me... I think you’re very pretty.” Sam blushed. His feeble smile was met of that of a blissfully ignorant Frodo, who did not respond. “Well? What do you say, Mr. Frodo?”

“That sounds about right.”

“No, Mr. Frodo! You’re supposed to say something Rosie would say if I asked her out!”

“Oh! Oh, well, um... Thank you, I think you’re very handsome and I would love to go out with you one day.” Frodo tipped his head and grinned, looking very satisfied with himself. “Now what?”

“Well, then we go out, I suppose.”

“Splendid! Where shall we go?” Frodo became excited and shoved himself to the edge of his seat, grinning widely. Sam didn’t look like he had the slightest clue how to answer that.

“Well, I thought we could... I don’t know, exactly. Maybe a nice dinner?”

“And after that?”

“We could talk?”

“And after that?”

“I send you home! And if we like each other, we start courting!”

“Fascinating,” said Frodo. “Absolutely fascinating!” Frodo stood up and walked over to Sam. “Well, Sam, do you feel ready to ask Rosie out now?”

“No,” Sam replied, blushing a deep red. He fumbled with his hands before continuing, “It’s that... When a fellow takes a lady home, sometimes she likes to be... kissed.” The last word came out as a nearly inaudible gulp. Frodo, believing he had not heard correctly, leaned in closer to Sam.

“What did you say?”

“I said... k-kissed,” said Sam, stammering. “I wanted to be prepared if Rosie wanted me to k-kiss her. No lady would want to be k-kissed by someone inexperienced, if you follow me.”

The implications of Sam’s statements were becoming clear to Frodo. It had been easy to pretend he was Rosie and merely answer Sam’s questions, but to pretend he was Rosie and k-kiss Sam... That was another thing entirely. “What are you trying to say, Sam?” He didn’t reply. Sam instead took a sudden interest in the floor, and not Frodo’s face. His skin turned a shade of rosy red, such of which Frodo was used to seeing in his garden. It became apparent, then, that no words of confirmation were to be said. Frodo grabbed Sam’s hand and held it in his, and lifted Sam’s head so that their eyes met. Frodo did not have to say it, but Sam understood. At the same time they gulped, hesitated, and then drew in for the kiss.

Neither of the hobbits had kissed anyone before (at least not on the lips). The sensation felt new and unexpected. For a moment their kiss was static, both too stunned by the intimacy of the kiss, then gave in to the sensation. Eventually the two broke off, and started at each other curiously. Sam raised his fingers to his lips and touched them tentatively, as if they were not his; Frodo took an interest in the floor.

“Mr. Frodo?” said Sam. Frodo still stared at the floor. Reluctantly Sam reached out for Frodo’s hand, but Frodo raised his hand to his shoulder and held it there as if his shoulder had been hurt. Sam pulled his arm back and frowned. “I’ll be seeing you later, Mr. Frodo,” Sam placed a hand on Frodo’s other shoulder and forced a smile. “Thanks for being such a good friend.”

Sam left his still dazed friend in the drawing room and went back to work. He did not think back to the kiss, but frequently would pause to look inside the house at Frodo, who sat in his seat, his brow furrowed. Around evening he prepared to return home and had one last glance at Frodo. He seemed better than he was, smoking a pipe and reading a book in his usual chair, no longer troubled with thought. This made Sam happy; he didn’t mean to trouble Frodo. If he didn’t believe that talking to Frodo at that moment would trouble him again, Sam would’ve gone inside and apologized for bothering him and thank him for his willingness to help. Sam felt perfectly prepared to go out and visit Rosie just then; it wouldn’t have been so if not for Frodo. He was lucky to have a master like Frodo.

The next day Sam planned to apologize to his master, and wound up hearing more than he had wanted to. He never really had the opportunity to apologize afterwards. The kiss became a part of their relationship that never resolved, was never mentioned or thought back upon in jest or in earnest. Because of the kiss both hobbits knew they could never go back to the same distant relationship they maintained prior, and neither, really, had a problem with that--especially in the nearly two year time span it took Sam to finally ask Rosie out on a date.

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