New Jokes

Some of these jokes are rated R




Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."





Dog Named Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.

- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- I love giving Mypenis a bath.

- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.

- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

- Help! I can't find Mypenis!

- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!





How to Bathe a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG





Captain's Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"





Star Wars vs. Titanic

Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic:

Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fianc]e like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from StarWars on the bow of a cruise liner.

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

Han is frozen in carbonate and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!





Equal Opportunity Employer

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."





E-Mail Errors..

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.





Titanic

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."





A Heavenly Marriage

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "Whats wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"





Lawyer and Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.





Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.





The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."





My son's more successful than yours.

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."





To All Students!

Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore,and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T., they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your time.

Sincerely, The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)





Frist-Graders

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half ot the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Hers are the children's responses.

Better to be safe than..........................punch a 5th grader. Strike while the................................bug is close. It is always darkest before.....................daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of................termites. You can lead a horse to water but...............how? Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty. No news is......................................impossible. A miss is as good as a..........................Mr. You can't teach an old dog......................math. If you lie down with dogs, you..................will stink in the morning. Love all, trust.................................me. The pen is mighter than.........................the pigs. An idle mind is.................................the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there's...................pollution. Happy is the bride who..........................gets all the presents. A penny saved is................................not much. Two is company, three's.........................The musketeers. None are so blind as............................Helen Keller. Children should be seen not.....................spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed...................get new batteries. When the blind lead the blind...................get out of the way. There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie. Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to blow your nose. Get out of something what you...................see pictured in the box.





The Taste Test

In a first grade class the teacher was teaching the five senses. When the teacher got to the sense of taste, she had taste test for the students. Steve was up first. The teacher put a piece of orange in Steve's mouth and asked, "Okay Steve, what is it?" Steve replied, "Oh that's easy! It's orange."

The teacher put a picece of apple in Steve's mouth and asked, "Okay Steve, what is it?" Stve replied, "This is easy too! It's apple."

The teacher then put a Hershes Kiss chocolate in Steve's mouth and asked, "What is it?" Steve replied, "I'm not sure. I don't know." The teacher gave Steve a clue, "It's something that mommy gives daddy every night before she goes to bed." All of a sudden Johny yells out from the back of the room, "Spit it out Steve! It's a piece of ass!"





Clinton's place in hell

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity."

So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity." "Fair enough," replies Satan.

Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being heldup to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."

Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out...... Your replacement's here"





Mime's Job in the Zoo

One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"





Little Turtle Climbing a Tree

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn't get discouraged. So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other,

"Hey honey, don't you think its time we tell her that she is adopted?"





A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."





Good Dog!

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"





Animal Quiz One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See its long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!" The Vet

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."





Seeing Eye Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"





The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't doeverything!" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything." He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"





Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind Man

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"





The 2 Irishmen

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.

"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"

"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"





Ants In The Bathroom

One day there were 3 ants. They had gone into a house and had no place safe to sleep in except for the bathroom. So the first ant slept in the sink, the second ant slept in the shower, and the third ant slept in the toilet.

The next morning after the all woke up, the first ant said, "I slept fine." The second ant said "I slept fine." And the third ant said, "I slept fine, but first it rained, then it thundered, and then a big log fell on my head."





A hare raising experience

This morning as I was driving to work the car in front of me suddenly came to a screeching stop. I hit my brakes hard and skidded to a stop about two inches from the other car's rear bumper. I heard the squeal of brakes behind me and braced myself for the impact but that car too managed to stop barely in time.

The man in the car in front of me jumped out of his car and ran around to the front. He got down on his knees and was making some strange movements. I thought "Oh my God, he's hit somebody!"

I jumped out of my car and so did the man in the car behind me. As we both ran to the front we heard the man yelling "don't die, please don't die!"

When I got there I saw the man on his knees and there in front of him was rabbit. He had hit a rabbit! He was having an absolute fit about that rabbit.

The man from the third car said, "I think I can fix this situation." And he walked back to his car and returned a moment later with a spray can. He sprayed the rabbit and suddenly it jumped up, turned and ran off. When it got about ten yards out it stopped and waved to us and then continued to run away. After going another ten yards it stopped and waved again. It repeated this until it was out of sight.

"What was that stuff you sprayed on it?" I asked him.

His reply was, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."





Guard Dog

In the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy." The petstore owner goes to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no guard dog!" The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned into a pile of splinters. Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate." The wife looked over and said, "Karate my ass!"





Dogs vs. Cats

A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!"

A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"





Liver and Cheese

There were three dogs in a bar talking and drinking. Then a poodle walks in towards the dogs. The dogs are all amazed by how pretty this poodle is. She says to them, "who ever can put liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the first dog says, "UGH! I hate liver and cheese." She says, "Not good enough."

The second dog says, "MMMMMM! I love liver and cheese." She says, "Not creative enough."

The third dog just sits there thinking while they are all stareing at him. Finally he says, "Guys! Just liver alone cheese mine!"