I had to write this because, I just couldn't sleep.  That, and the g-boys are too interesting.  No money being made here, I wish, so don't sue.  Part one of a three part.  <br>
POV- Duo	<br>
1x2	<br>
Alittle game of poker anyone?<br>
<p>
GAME  OVER
<br>By Ebonydove
<p>
	I played things over in my head.  Christ, this is why I never should get involved.  I should have just stuck to my original plans from the beginning, but it only seemed natural to team up with these guys.   Although I play the part of the joker, I'm no fool.  Still, here I am sitting in Quatre's study replaying the huge mistake I just made.
<p>
	I had been flirting and teasing Heero for months.  Why not?  It was safe.  He showed no interest in anyone, let alone me.  He was focused, driven, a soldier incarnate, he showed no emotions to any of us...unless you really watched.  Which I had been.  Still, I didn't think too much of it.  He'd glare at me, or worse throttle me, when I crossed the line.  But everyone should know by now, draw a line in the dirt, I'll cross it every time.  It's in my nature I guess, too push things too far.  Shit.
<p>
	I think I've always been drawn to the ones who resist me the most.  Part of the challenge, the chase.  I would pursue them like I was on safari, studying them, watching, waiting, then pounce.  I knew I was an asshole for dropping them soon after, but with the hunt over, I got bored.  
<p>
No, that's a lie...I got insecure.  When I got too comfortable, too close, I would run from them just like I was runnin' now.
<p>
I never had a problem with my sexuality.  That's not it.  I just went with the flow.  True, I never let myself get too attached.  People who got attached got stupid, or worse, dead.  Maybe that's why I disliked Relena so much.  She reminded me of so much of myself in many ways.  She just wants to feel protected, loved.  Who could really blame a person for that?  It wasn't about male or female either, I always was attracted to the person, how they thought, or carried themselves.  Whether it was a guy or girl was irrelevant.  I also liked being both submissive and dominant, depending on the person.  But when it comes right down to it, it was sex.  Any way I could get it was fine with me.
<p>
Hadn't even realized that I haven't...ya know...since I met the guy.  Too wrapped up in myself I guess, the war, circumstances...
<p>
Shit, that's a lie too.  I wanted to forget that I could be so callous.  I wanted to believe I could really give myself to someone.  Fuck, maybe I am a fool after all.
<p>
When it happened, that moment...I mean, I was the one who came on to him.  Then when I actually got what I wanted, I got spooked.  Not only did I take off, but then I ignored him on top of it.  Next time, I should just casually rub salt into his wounds.  That look too, shit, I think I'll remember that look for the rest of my life.  The wall finally came down and as he stood there waiting for me to finish what I started, well...I may as well have handed him a trowel and some concrete to build the wall back up with.  I am such an asshole.
<p>
I wish I could cry.  Sitting here, in the dark, smelling the comforting scent of leather and old books.  I really wish I could cry, but...I just can't.  Sister Helen always had said that it was all right for me to cry, but I never did back then either.  Once, I had to bite my tongue so hard it bled, just to keep myself from crying.  That was the closest I ever got, when they died.
<p>
 Come to think of it, Heero's never cried either, I don't think.  I mean, even when he's having nightmares, he controls himself.  He never cries out or nothin'.
<p>
Worse part of this whole thing is that I think I hurt him.  And here I am sulking, feeling sorry for myself.  I need to remind myself, I was the one who put this whole thing in motion.  I was the one whose been teasing and flirting, I was the one who hugged him ...stared into those cold blue eyes...pressed my lips to his...
<p>
Shit.  It's all been a big lie.  I knew from the beginning what it was.  I thought I could trick myself into thinking it was just another game, another conquest.  Or worse, that it wasn't a big deal at all, it was casual.  Just our circumstances.  Getting blown to hell more times than I can count makes you appreciate the guy who's draggin' your ass outta the sling.  I could almost pretend it was out of thanks, or appreciation, or even admiration. 
<p>
But it's a lie.  I almost got myself to believe that I picked him, because he tried so hard to keep me away.  I never picked him.  He chose me.
<p>
Sometimes I really hate the truth.  Lies are so much easier.  This would all be so much easier if I didn't have to admit what was really happening.  For the first time...I have to admit...
<p>
I can't even say it.  
<p>
Fuckin' love.
<p>
But shit, it's the truth.
<p>
<p>
TBC
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