By:Anika
Jan. 16, 2001
I realized something tonight. I have no heart to speak of. I feel nothing. Actually, that’s a lie. I feel plenty. I’m just too afraid to show it. Sure, I’ll laugh and have fun with my friends, bur deep down, I know that, given the opportunity, they’d betray me. If their life was threatened, they would turn their back to me. But then again, I would do the same to them. That’s how it is with me. That’s how it will always be. I don’t trust anyone with my problems. I’ve seen what happens to people who do that. They tell one person, then that one person analyzes them. They make a judgment, and go about their merry way. Then, they tell another person about it. And so it goes, but the rumor is always, “She’s faking it,” or “Her problems are always SO much worse than everyone else’s.” That’s why I keep my problems to myself. No one could help me anyway. I’m too messed up. What happened to me is irreversible. I wonder if he knows how much he hurt me? I wonder if he even knows what he did had such a profound affect on my life? I gave him my heart, my first love. You think the least he could do was give it back, especially since he didn't want it. He almost drove me to the edge. Because of him, I almost ended my own life. I was actually standing in front of the bathroom mirror with the razor blade held to my wrist, thinking how easy it would be to end it. I think back now, and realize the promise I made to myself that night still holds true. I told myself, right before I was going to slit my wrist that I would never love again. I haven’t. The fear of rejection still clings to my heart, making it a black and empty place. There are no words to describe how I feel about love. I am jealous of people who have it; who are willing to make that sacrifice for love. I would literally die and come back again to feel just an ounce of the love that I see around me. Everyone is in love, it seems. Or maybe its lust. I wouldn’t know, ever since him, I have feel nothing for anyone, male or female. My friendships are unstable, and I feel nothing for no one. I am the Perfect Soldier. Marching through life without stopping to see what’s around me. Or maybe, I don’t stop because I like what I see and know that I could never have it.
Jan. 17, 2001
Why? I’ve asked myself this question all day. Why? Why can’t I feel anything for people? Its like my emotions have been erased from my memory banks. I feel like a dysfunctional computer, waiting for someone to come along and fix me. But no one comes. No one ever has. It’s always been just me. I’m so alone, but I’ve realized that everyone is alone. No one’s problems are worse than your own. No one has it harder that you. You are your ultimate concern. And no one can fix your problems, no matter how appealing the idea is. The only solution is complete isolationism. Don’t let yourself feel for anything, and you’ll never have any problems.
Jan. 18, 2001
It is frustrating to see something you want so badly, but yet are too afraid to say something. Even if you know you could have it. All you have to do is say something. Say something!!!! But when the opportunity rises, you feel your throat constrict, your hands get sweaty, your mouth goes dry. But I’m too afraid to say anything, even though it would be a sure thing if I did. The question is, Am I good enough? Could I ever be enough for him? Could I ever feel for him? Given time, I think I could, but not now. I’m still too sensitive to raw emotion. Just lately, I have been able to open up to people. Actually, only to one. My roommate. She’s the only one who really understands what I’ve been through. It’s really.... Comforting knowing that I’m not the only one messed up. Granted, I don’t trust her. I don’t trust anyone, not even myself. But if I could, I would. She would be the one who I would confide in, tell everything to. But I can’t let anyone know about my problems. They’re mine, and I’ll deal with them. I’m strong, and I don’t need anyone’s help. I can’t be weak and show any attachment. Emotions make one weak, and I can’t afford to show any weakness. People think I’m sane.... I’ll let them labor under their delusions.
Mar. 7, 2001
Its been a while since I’ve written. To bad nothing has changed. I’m still the anti-social, paranoid, freak that I’ve always been. When something else changes, I’ll be sure to have it written down in here. Still, no feelings for anyone. Because they’re all retarded. And I don’t waste my time with stupid people.
May 12, 2001
These past weeks have been hell. Back in school already, and the trivial things in life are already bothering me. By trivial I mean human contact, socialization, and love. These things are all around me, and yet just out of my grasp. I sit alone in my own room most nights, listening to my roommates talk with they’re boyfriends and fiance’s. Is it my own fault that I don’t have this love? That I can’t...no, won’t speak up and say, ‘Hey, what about me?’ Some would say that it is. I would even venture that far. I know it is my own problem to deal with. But every time I try to think about it, my mind veers off into a new direction, one more aesthetically pleasing. I seem to have a mental block on love. Is God trying to tell me something? If there is a God, I mean. Sometimes I wonder. All these bad things happen to people and he just sits up in heaven, all omnipotent, and does nothing. Character building my ass! The Christian God is a sadist, in my own humble opinion. If he weren’t, if he was a good God, then I would finally find the contact I so desperately seek. But perhaps it is my punishment from God himself, not being able to find love. Well, what do you all say I go and meet him and ask him myself? Maybe I was only ment to love once, and then my time here was finished. I'm just an empty shell of what I once was, so that must be what it is. I'll tell you what, I'll let you know how it goes...
~The woman who wrote this journal died on May 12, 2001. May she rest in peace.