"Keyholes"
a Trigun fanfic
by the Princess
~Part 2: "Japanese Word for Tone-Deaf"~
"Vash, this is all *your* fault!" hollered the insurance girls and Wolfwood in unison as they charged through the streets.
"How is this MY fault?!" Vash declared, trying to hop after his friends and pull on his trenchcoat and boots at the same time. "It's always my fault! I see how it is! Blame the outlaw! I wasn't even the one making all that racket!"
"True, but if it wasn't for you, no noise would have been made..." Wolf- wood had already wriggled into his shirt and jacket, and he was hoofing it after Milly and Meryl. The two women were trying their best to lose their male friends as quickly as possible--weaving through the crowds of late- night party-ers and drunken fools, occasionally running over cats and small children as they went. "Now, we lost the last open hotel rooms in the city, and the insurance girls have all our money. If we lose 'em, it's the streets for us!"
"D A M N!" Vash bounced ahead on one foot as he tried to yank on his boot with both hands. He looked like a kangaroo on a hot plate. "No... don't ... leave... me..."
"Oh, for crying out loud.. God give me strength..." Wolf stopped to help Vash get on his shoes and trenchcoat. Out of earshot, he was unable to hear the insurance girls as they plotted.
***
"Damn damn, double damn!" Meryl moaned, her dark eyes scanning the street for an open in. No dice. All she saw were fully lit NO VACANCY signs. "We got the *only* hotel room for iles, and these creeps had to ruin it with their stupid games!"
"Well, we kinda overreacted..." Milly said carefully, barely missing a lamp-pole.
"'KINDA'?! I think that under the circumstances, we were perfectly just- ified!"
"Well OK..." As the shorter woman bulled her way ahead, Milly risked a glance over her shoulder. Vash was trying to pull on his boots, Wolf was trying to help, and both were arguing over how it was to be done. She smiled.
>They're actually sort of cute together,< she thought. >And it *would* explain a few things if they were a couple.<
>But they'd probably resent it if I tried anything,< she argued with herself.
>Now way! You were peeking through the door after Meryl dragged you out. They would have kissed, if the innkeeper hadn't busted in! They'd probably appreciate it if you did something to help them out.<
Her mind made up, she started running double-time to catch up with her partner. Her family had told her to help others, and she guessed that would include hooking up Mr. Vash and Mr. Priest--
Suddenly, Meryl stopped dead. Milly crashed into her and bounced off the shorter woman, but Meryl didn't notice. A sign had caught her eye, and as she read it over, an evil plan sprung like Athena in her head:
MIMI NO KIKOENAI-BAR & KARAOKE AT 9:00-6$$ COVER
It was just past 9:00.
"Quick, Milly," she said to her friend (who was picking gravel out of her hair). "Do you have 24$$?!"
***
Fifteen minutes, three glasses of beer, and two packs of cigarettes later, Wolfwood thought to ask: "What the hell are we doing in here, anyhow?"
Meryl winked. "You'll see."
The Mimi no Kikoenai was a surprisingly nice bar, considering the district it was in. It was clean and sharp, with a large selection of fine liquors, and a very nice karaoke machine set up on a small stage. At present, a very drunk woman was belting out a mangled version of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better". It was like watching someone have a schitzophrenic epi- sode.
"Where's Vash?" the priest asked as he lit yet another cigarette.
"He went to the bathroom," Milly replied.
Wolfwood had a sudden vision of Vash the Stampede, standing in front of an auto-flush urinal. Vash was waving his hand around in front of the urinal, watching as it flushed and flushed all on its own, and "huh-huh- huh"-ing like Beavis and Butt-head. He decided that this meant he was plonked.
"God, someone get that ignorant bitch off the staaaaaage," he growled, turning the last word into a long, whining noise.
"Don't make fun of her!" Milly admonished. "I'll bet you that it's a lot of fun. And it takes a lot of courage to get up there and sing!"
"Yeah? Bet you wouldn't do it."
"I bet you I would! In fact, I'll bet you that *you* wouldn't!"
"You sayin' I'm a chickenshit?"
"Maybe!"
"OK! Now I'm pissed!" He slammed a fist down on the table, jarring all the many beer bottles with a crystalline noise. "I will bet you, big girl, that you will not get up there and sing. Further, I bet that you will not get any applause if you do. If you go up there, and you get a standin' ovation, *then*... uh... Vash will get up there and sing!"
"Deal!" Milly grabbed Wolfwood's fist and shook it. She resolutely stood up and marched for the stage. Milly got up as well, grabbing onto the taller girl's cloak.
"Are you mental?!" Meryl hissed. "The idea was for Vash AND Wolfwood to get up there and make fools of themselves!"
"I've got it covered, Meryl," Milly said cheerfully, smiling in her so- kawaii fashion. "Now, let's both get up there!"
"BOTH?" Suddenly remembering 5000 other pressing engagements, Meryl turned around and tried to haul ass out. Milly seized her by the collar and yanked her along as she approached the manager in charge of karaoke. "Hi, sir!" she said perkily, smiling despite that Meryl was twisting her arm off. "I've got four entries for your karaoke contest!"
***
Forced into it by Milly (and not just a little tipsy), Meryl was the first to take the stage. She sang a rendition of "Hot Stuff", and got booed off before the second chorus.
In the audience, Wolfwood was laughing insanely. He personally pitched a spare jar of tomato juice after Meryl as she ran in shame off the stage. Suddenly, Vash reappeared from the bathroom, and sat down next to the priest. "What's going on?" the gunman said.
"Meryl 'n' Milly made a bet with me," Wolf replied. "If they sing and get applause, then you haveta get up there too."
"WHAT!" Vash's big blue-green eyes got even bigger. He stared at Wolf as though he was a Martian. "But--but--but--"
"Relax, man," Wolfwood said, clapping Vash on the shoulder. "Those broads can't sing to save their lives. You're safe."
"Well, OK..." Vash said uncertainly as Milly marched onto the stage. The big girl was visibly upset at the reception Meryl'd gotten, but remained her cheerful self. Light piano music began to play in the background as she started in on "MacArthur Park":
Milly: Spring was never waiting for us, dear
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance
[Wolfwood: "She's got a pretty voice..."
Vash: "Shut up! Do you want to jinx it?"]
Milly: Between the parted pages and were pressed
In love's hot, fevered iron
Like a stripéd pair of pants
[Wolfwood and Vash: "She said WHAT?"]
Milly: MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down...
[Wolfwood: "Amen, sister!"
Vash: "Is this a real song? I don't think a fake song should count..."]
Milly: Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe agaaaaain
Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOO--HAHAHAHA!
As Milly charged into a disco-style dance and throaty gospel singing, Vash sank lower and lower into his chair. My God, the audience was eating it up... and that meant that *he'd* have to... He sweatdropped.
Wolfwood was no help, of course. He was rooting for Milly--whistling, cheering, and hollering "Amen, big girl! Sing it!" By the time Milly got to the part about drinking the wine while it is warm, the audience was chanting her name and waving their arms around.
Vash was dead.
"Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Milly sang the final note as though she intended to broadcast it throughout the entire universe. The patrons of the bar were screaming her name and falling all over themselves to get to the stage. On the bar itself, a black cat with insanely huge green eyes cocked back its head and gave a complimenting "MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWR!" A mosh pit broke out in one corner, and a gang fight in the other. By the time order was restored, Milly and Meryl had returned to their table, both grinning like Cheshire cats. Each sat down on either side of the men.
"You were fantastic, Milly!" Wolfwood declared. He hugged her around her shoulders in a we're-drunken-comrades fashion. "I don't think I've ever heard such a spirited version of that song before!"
"I've never even heard that song before," Meryl stated. She examined one beer bottle to make absolutely sure it was empty, and accidently poured some Bud into her eyes.
"I can't even *hear* anymore," Vash whined, trying to bury his head into the table.
"Tough, Tongari!" Wolf quipped. "Quit bitching and start singing!"
Suddenly, the manager got on the karaoke mic. "Excuse me, folks," he said. "If'n a Mr. Vash an' a Mr. Wolfwood would please come up onstage to do their duet, I'd be much obliged."
"D U E T?!?" Wolf dropped his cigarette on his lap, and yipped when it started to burn through. He leapt to his feet and gave the insurance girls an *evil* glare. "That wasn't in the deal!"
Milly and Meryl both smiled coyly and tipped back their chairs. "Why, Mr. Priest, you're not chickenshit, are you?" Milly said.
"That's it! If I'm goin' down, you're going with me, priest!" Vash then bodily picked up Wolfwood, and, tossing him over his shoulder, started resolutely for the stage.
***
Vash and Wolfwood: Pressure
Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you
No man ask for
Under pressure
Vash: [sweatdropping] That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets
Wolfwood: [very reluctant] It's a terror in knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends scream
Both: [monotone] "Let me out!"
Vash: Pray tomorrow
Gets me higher
Wolfwood: There's a lot of people
Livin' on the streets
Vash: [suddenly gives a "What the hell?" shrug, grabs the mic, and gives it
his all]
Trippin' a-ROOOOUND
See my brains are on the floor
These are the DAAAAAYS
It never rains, but it pours
Wolfwood: [nearly bursting with laughter, has become newly inspired. Does a
David Bowie pelvic thrust (tm) as he starts to sing]
It's a terror in knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends scream
Both: [very loud] "LET ME OUT!!"
Vash: Pray tomorrow
Gets me higher and higher and HIIIIGH
Wolfwood: There's a lot of people
Livin' on the streets
Both: [Wolfwood's voice cracking on the high notes]
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence, but it don't work
Wolfwood: Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Vash: [steals the mic, throws back his head like a dog howling at the moon]
Why?
Why?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Wolfwood: [grabs mic and starts in while Vash holds the last note]
LOOOVE
Insanity laughs
Under pressure, we're cracking!
Vash: [steals mic, falls to his knees to 'plead' with audience]
Why can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
[starts to sway and wave around his peace signs]
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
Give love give love give love give love
Wolfwood: [has doubled over with laughter, and almost misses his cue]
'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you
To care for
The people on the
Edge of the night
And love dares you
To change our way of
Both: [Vash jumps up to start right on cue; each puts an arm around the other's
shoulder, and as they serenade, they're staring into each other's eyes...]
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure...
***
As Vash and Wolfwood jumped off the stage, they were nearly knocked over by the fulminating applause. The audience was cheering, hooting, hollering, whistling, clapping, and shooting guns in approval. A few enthusiastic females even flashed the priest and gunman, bringing blood to both their noses and a virgin blush to Vash's face.
In the back, Milly and Meryl were stunned. They had no idea that either could sing, or so *well*... But while Meryl stewed, Milly was thinking. They had looked so sweet together onstage, particularly the last part, when they were holding each other and staring into each other's eyes. She thought she could *definitely* see something there, and while she tried to tell this to Meryl, the shorter woman was in no humor to hear her thoughts.
In that moment, though, Milly resolved that, by hook or by crook, she was going to get Mr. Vash and Mr. Priest together.
***
Vash and Wolfwood looked from the audience to each other. "I guess they liked it," Vash said, grinning.
"Yeah... me too," Wolf replied. He offered Vash his hand. "For love..."
"...And peace," the gunman finished, taking his friend's hand.
"WHAT'TH'HELL?!"
Both men jumped as half the audience suddenly pulled out guns and pointed them in the direction of their vital organs. A huge man suddenly stepped away from the others; he looked like Mr. T on steroids and had a very nasty-looking gaitlin gun pointed at them. This Barret Clone (tm) bellowed: "We are of the Loyal Brothers of Peace and Love! You just gave the gang symbol for the Loyal Brothers of Love and Peace, our bitter enemies! Now you gonna die!"
And Vash, as he often found himself doing, ran out of the Mimi no Kikoenai dodging enough flak to turn him into Swiss cheese...
~owari~
Stay tuned for Part 3: "No Love For The Red Trenchcoat-Wearing Porcupine"
