Reflections

A Balanced Life

By Ami/Clara

I love you. I love you, damnit. I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. But it's the truth. I stare at you staring at me distrustfully across the clearing. You're up keeping watch, I'm up watching you. Kagome and Inu Yasha are sleeping, and Shippou is.. somewhere.

I smile softly at you, but don't let you see the pain behind the mask. Yes, it's a mask. A facade, a charade. I didn't create this illusion specifically for you. I've had this mask ever since my father died. Ever since that night I found out the truth about my air rip.

You see, my father had told me I would die before all of the other, normal, children, but that it was because of a sickness, a disease. And, I suppose you could call the air rip that. However, he only thought to tell me the reality of my situation two hours before the curse sucked him in. I think the bastard had planned it that way, so I would not have the chance tell him to his face what a mistake it was to have me. That he should have had my mother abort me, and end the curse in that way. He let himself die with a clear conscience. Or tried to, anyway.

He told me about Naraku that fateful night. How Naraku cursed my grandfather, it passed on to him, and then passed along to me. And he told me why I had no mother. Why there wasn't even an earthly grave with her body. My mother's true grave is what will eventually become my own. This damn air rip. My life was her death. That is one of the main reasons why Naraku will die by my hands.

The many others are the rest of my family members' deaths, the accidental deaths caused by my father and grandfather's air rip, and all the other poor victims of that bastard. My father took seven other souls with him to his death. Why he might not have died with a clear conscience, after all. The air rip had grown too strong, and he had not departed to an abandoned place in time. I will not allow that to happen to me. When the time has come, I will make sure I am far away from the group and anyone else that can be sucked in. Especially you.

You're looking at me strangely now. Is my mask wavering? Or is it because I'm staring at you? Either way, I make sure to look away. Couldn't have you begin to suspect the truth. If you knew and gave in, I know I would not be able to resist.

Not that you would probably let me touch you in that way even if you did know, but stranger things have happened. Like hanyous with rusty swords that transform, reincarnations of priestesses that are currently alive, Sesshoumaru taking care of a human, and ...voids in the hands of houshis that fall in love with youkai exterminators.

That's what I always come back to, isn't it? You and the void. Love and death. And isn't that two of the main ingredients to life? The third is hatred, and that is filled by Naraku. I suppose this means I have a well-balanced life. Lucky me.

At least I won't have a child to pass this curse and burden on to. Either I will be the one to kill Naraku, or others will have to be the ones to wreak vengeance upon him. If I kill him, maybe the air rip will disappear, and I might manage to convince you of my feelings. Maybe I will have a family and children, and do the things that "normal" people of our era do. Not very likely, though. If my grandfather and father couldn't kill him, what makes me think I can? I have less time left now than they did.

Maybe it's the thought that I know that I will not have an heir to take up the sword. I would not kill a woman for the life of a boy that would grow up knowing that their imminent death was inevitable. That they would eventually kill some woman that they might grow to love for want of a child. It's the reason why I only asked women I had just met if they would bear my child. I know that they will refuse me that undesirable boon. It's why I can't stand even the thought of asking you that dreadful question.

Sango.. you're so beautiful, and you don't even realize it. You think I touch you because I'm merely a pervert. I touch you because I can't resist the temptation, the draw of your skin to mine. There are other reasons also. I will admit that part of me is a lech, but I could control that miniscule piece if I wished it. I don't.

I will drive you and all others away through this mask of perversion, through this illusion of a hentai houshi. I do not wish to push you away. I want to hold you close, to never let you go. I covet the feel of your hands upon my body, the press of your lips upon my own. But most of all, I desire your love.

That is why I really ought to leave. Temptation is a siren that I am finding harder and harder to resist. It feels almost like you're the void, as I am pulled to you by a force beyond my powers to fight. Love. Fucking love, the only thing Oyaji did not teach me to resist. I don't think he knew what the emotion was. I do not let you see this internal struggle, though. I merely keep my head turned, almost as if staring out into the night. Yes, dearest Sango, believe I am keeping a watch out for youkai. Or something. Anything other than the truth.

Finally, I can resist the urge no more and get up from my position on the ground. I walk swiftly over to you and sit by your side. Your look denotes that you think I am up to something. Perhaps I am. I myself do not know what I am about to do. Hopefully, I will retain enough self control to merely smile mysteriously at you, then grope you when you least expect it. I must remember to push you away, not pull you in close, no matter how much I long for you.

My hand starts out of its own accord to gently brush your arm. My right hand. Getting a glance of it as it reaches forward, I stop myself. For a moment, the facade is dropped and I smile bitterly at the appendage. The source of my my sorrow. I turn the move into a grope when you notice the motionless hand.

Of course, you react just as I think you will. You blush, scream, "HOUSHI-SAMA!!!" and pull out that boomerang of yours, smacking me with it. The pain from that is nothing compared to the pain of my heart, from the fact that I can't tell you how I feel. I back away slowly, the mask slipping back on to let me smile innocently at you.

If I smiled on the inside, it would not be a happy one. It would be twisted, full of bittersweetness, sorrow, love, and hatred. Damn Naraku for this curse. Damn Father for letting me come into being. Damn me for falling in love with you.

I rise, using the staff to support me. Ironic how the supposedly strong houshi is weakened, almost felled by emotions. In a way like grandfather was defeated by his lust. A fitting analogy, that. Smiling wearily at you, I say, "I think I shall turn in. Good night, Sango-san." Walking away, I wonder how much you can see through this charade of mine. I wonder when the air rip will finally kill me. And I wonder if I will get to rip Naraku's heart out before this void takes me. Love, death, and hate. A balanced life.

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