Sephiroth’s Evil Scheme

By: Laguna Loire

Narrator: As our story begins, we find Sephiroth, the most notorious Final Fantasy villain of all, busy hatching another evil scheme deep within the Northern Crater.

Barret: Yo Seph, watcha doin’?

Sephiroth: I’m busy hatching another evil scheme, you dumbass. Try listening to the narrator for once. You might actually learn something…if you try hard enough.

Barret: Hey, that’s pretty cool man. Do ya mind if I help out?

Sephiroth: What do YOU know about being evil, anyway? If you really want to help me so badly, get out of here so I can concentrate on what I’m doing.

Barret: Don’t be so hard on me, man. I’m sure you could teach me how to be evil. Then maybe we can blow up the world together or somethin’.

Sephiroth: Ha! Fat chance. "Mr. Avalanche Leader Turns Bad?" I simply laugh at the idea. Besides, blowing up the world is for sissies.

Cloud: (yelling from above) Guess that makes you a sissy then, eh Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Shut up! I never asked for your opinion. Not to mention I never got to blow up the world in FF7 because a certain somebody who shall remain nameless due to the fact that his name got screwed up in the Japanese translation- came along with his band of losers and killed me!

Cloud: (dropping down to Sephiroth’s level) Your name got screwed up too, Sephiros!

Sephiroth: What did you just call me?!

Cloud: You heard me, Sephiros.

Sephiroth: ARGH! Nobody calls me that and gets away with it. Prepare to meet the same fate as Aeris! (Seph throws Cloud to the floor and slowly advances forward, Masamune in hand)

Aeris: What’s going on here?

Barret: (proudly) Seph here just promised me he was gonna teach me how to be evil and then we’re gonna blow up the Planet together. (Aeris glares at Sephiroth)

Sephiroth: WHAT? I said nothing of the sort. The fat man lies! He lies, I tell you! (Seph sheaths the Masamune and kicks Cloud out of the way)

Aeris: Well, in order to prevent any of this from happening again, I’m asking to you to work on your evil schemes somewhere else.

Sephiroth: (muttering under his breath as he walks away) Damned Aeris…if only she’d stayed dead after the first time I killed her.

Narrator: Suddenly, everybody’s favorite villain gets an idea.

Sephiroth: Aha! I’ve got an idea! It’s my latest and greatest evil scheme yet. Heh heh heh…I’ll show them. I’ll show ALL of them!

Narrator: Later at the foot of Mt. Nibel…

Yuffie: Vincent, have you seen Sephiroth lately?

Vincent: ……………………………….

Yuffie: (sighing) Gosh, aren’t you talkative today. I should’ve known better than to bother you. Sorry Vinnie. (Yuffie sees Cloud and Tifa come strolling around the corner) Oh great. Here comes Implant Girl and her boyfriend. Hide me, Vinnie! (Yuffie jumps behind Vincent, who gets a puzzled look on his face.)

Vincent: (murmuring) God- what’s with this "Vinnie" crap anyway? I’m already getting sick of it- and I’ve only been in this pathetic fanfic to say 2 damn lines. Though I doubt the first one really counts, anyway. (screaming) HOW MUCH AM I GETTING PAID FOR THIS, LAGUNA?

Laguna: Vincent, you’ll only find out if you cooperate. Keep your mouth closed and stand right where you are looking like a stiff scarecrow. Believe me, you’re good at it.

Vincent: Why you stupid little doublecrossing president of Esth-

Narrator: The argument between FF7 character and fanfic writer is made short however once Cloud and Tifa arrive on the scene with Barret, Cid, and Red XIII at their side.

Tifa: Hey guys, I heard Sephiroth’s hatching another evil scheme!

Vincent:(thinking to himself) Man, she’s quick. It’s only the name of the freaking fanfic, for crying out loud. How the hell can you possibly miss it? It’s in size 16 PostCrypt style font at the very top of the first page-

Barret: Yeah, ‘n we gotta stop him before it’s too late!

Vincent: (raging) Will you people please stop cutting off the end of my sentences, dammit!

Red XIII: (reading off of his script in a boring tone of voice while looking up to see Sephiroth standing atop Mt. Nibel) Look, there he is. (pauses) I’m done, Laguna. I said my single line exactly like I was supposed to. Can I go now? (Red XIII slowly walks away)

Sephiroth: I have become one with the fanfic! Gwo ho ho! By becoming one with the fanfic, I am capable of making you worthless characters do whatever I want you to do for as long as I shall live. Which is forever!

Cloud: "Gwo ho ho"? What kind of gay laugh is that?!

Sephiroth: Quiet, you! "Gwo ho ho" is an intimidating laugh and you know it!

Cloud: Oh yes, you’re so scary Sephiroth. Scary-looking!

Sephiroth: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Cloud’s stupid puns will never hurt me.

Tifa: But we know someone who can hurt you, Sephiroth. Allow me to introduce our special guest star from Final Fantasy VIII. The elite sharpshooter of Galbadia Garden…Irvine Kinneas!

Irvine: (waving to Seph) Howdy pardner! Ready for a wild ride off into the sunset? Well here goes nothin’! (Irvine shoots Sephiroth straight through the chest, who loses his balance and begins rolling down the side of Mt. Nibel)

Sephiroth: Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn DAMN!

Cid: @#$* He just swore more than I did in the whole game!

Tifa: Thanks a lot, Irvine. (Tifa kisses Irvine on the cheek)

Irvine: WOO-HOO! (Irvine collapses to the ground)

Narrator: At precisely this moment, the loud noise of a car engine is heard over the horizon. Surely enough, Sephiroth comes careening around the corner on a collision course with our heroes.

Sephiroth: I am careening around the corner on a collision course with our heroes. Gwo ho ho!

Cloud: (running as fast as possible) Doesn’t he get tired of using the same gay laugh twice?

Barret: (alone in the middle of the road) Um guys…guys? Where’d everybody go? (Barret’s eyes widen as Seph’s car charges at him)

Narrator: Unsurprisingly, a miracle happens. Barret’s immense girth shatters the car upon impact and Sephiroth is flung out the window, defeated once more.

Sephiroth: Not yet I’m not! (Seph pulls out an oversized machinegun and raises it for all to see) Behold my Super Duper Ultra Mega Ugly Sephiroth Gun!

Yuffie: "Ugly Sephiroth Gun"?

Cloud: Fits him perfectly.

Sephiroth: As a matter of fact, I hope you know I am officially recognized as the most attractive character on the entire Planet of FF7. This amazing weapon affects my handsome appearance none whatsoever, but it is especially designed to give YOU a permanent makeover! Gwo ho ho!

Cloud: Spare us the gay laugh. It sucks and it’s ruining the fanfic.

Sephiroth: Care to repeat that, Cloud? (Seph aims the Ugly Sephiroth Gun toward Cloud)

Cloud: (shielding his face with his arm) On second thought, your laugh is the most villainous laugh in the Final Fantasy universe. It makes Kefka look like a wuss. Better?

Sephiroth: Much better. But not good enough! (Seph prepares to fire)

Narrator: Has Sephiroth really won?

Laguna: Hardly. Here comes Cait Sith.

Cait Sith: Long time no see! I’ve been on vacation in Costa del Sol for the past couple weeks, so I apologize for my absence. Did I miss out on very much during my brief little excursion? The cards told me Sephiroth was hatching another evil scheme, but I naturally refused to believe it because everybody knows Sephiroth is dead.

Vincent: He’s right in front of your face, you damn cat.

Cait Sith: EEEEEK! It’s him! Somebody use Knights of the Round or something. Sephiroth is alive!

Sephiroth: NO! Cait Sith is so irritatingly stupid he makes my Jenova cells burst. AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!! (Sephiroth explodes in a brilliant green flash of Mako energy)

FF7 Characters: Cait Sith has saved the day! Hip-hip-hooray! (Cait Sith is engulfed in a group hug and lifted off the ground)

Narrator: The bad guy died. The good guys won. Need I say more?

Epilogue

Squall: (shaking Irvine) Irvine, wake up.

Irvine: (eyes closed, stroking fringe of Squall’s leather jacket) Oh Tifa, you’re so soft…

Squall: (punches Irvine in the face) Wake up, you Galbadian shithead!

Irvine: Oops. Sorry, Squall. I didn’t know you were here. Honest I didn’t.

Squall: Save it for later. We’ve got some unfinished business to take care of.

Irvine: Whaddaya mean?

Seifer’s voice: I have become one with the fanfic! Gwee hee hee!

Irvine: Oh no…not again!

The End

Special thanks to Squaresoft for creating the best RPG series ever, to my friend Sephiroth for letting me post my fanfic on his homepage, and last but not least to the FF characters for putting up with my high demands for this fanfic. (Great job, guys!)

-Laguna Loire