Forever Alone
When I was young, I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
He strode solemnly through the harbour, staying as far from other people as possible, not remembering which town he was in and not caring. His head was tilted downward, but he saw neither his feet nor the ground upon which he walked. His hair, once a shimmering blond, was a tangled, washed-out mop, plastered to his head by the rain which was pouring from the tropical sky. His clothes, his hair, his body, his belongings; they were all sopping wet, but he did not notice. He did not notice that the temperature was dropping steadily, nor was he aware of the additional clouds that were building in the darkening sky over the sea. A car, a black Jaguar, rolled slowly by, its tires sending waves spreading away across the semi-flooded parking lot. But this too went unacknowledged. He was lost in thought, and nothing that was going on around him mattered in the least. He was lost in an inner word which he couldn’t escape, but which he could not live in, either. His bare feet splattered in the standing water on the pavement as he slowly walked along. He saw no one, and he spoke to no one.
Livin’ alone, I think of all the friends I’ve known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home
Memories of a past life were flooding his senses. Friends and family meant nothing to him, as he didn’t have either. The thought of love never came up. He had hidden that one away long ago, on the day of rejection, the day when his life had ceased to have meaning. Until then, love had, in fact, been an issue in his life. But he had been rejected, turned down, sent away without being given a chance. An emotional blow it had been, and a very harsh one. It was one thing to call things off if they didn’t work out. That would have been understandable, he could have lived with that. But it was quite another thing to be sent on one’s way without even a hesitation or the shadow of a doubt. And that was what stuck with him, what kept him wandering through harbour constantly, stopping only when food or drink became an absolute necessity. That was what kept him unconscious to the world around him. He never had been interested in people, even before that day. But he had noticed her among all the other faces. He had picked her out of the crowd and followed her with his eyes. Because of the shyness that had always been a part of him, it had taken a long time before he had ventured to introduce himself to her. He had spend a while trying to get to know her, but she had had about the same high level of bashfulness that he himself had, so conversations never really got past ‘Hi, how are you?” So he had kept on using this phrase whenever he saw her, and it seemed to give encouraging results. Bright smiles and warmer tones of voice were coming from both of them, and he remembered starting to feel a little bit of the love he had sent out to her coming back to him. But one question had wrecked it all. The dinner request, which had seemed like such a good idea, ended up shooting everything to hell. And she’d refused, but that had been half-expected. What had been both unexpected and devastating was the way, from that day on, that she refused to recognize his existence. The next time he had caught sight of her, he had given her a cheerful wave, the usual friendly smile, and a ‘Hi, how’s it going today?’ And she’d seen him, frowned instantly, and walked quickly away, leaving him to watch her retreating form and feel his heart shatter as if someone had walked up and bashed his emotions with a sledgehammer.
All by myself
Don’t wanna be all by myself anymore
Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure remains the cure
The rain came down even harder than before. He could hear it pounding on the cement around him. Out at sea there was a crash of thunder. The sound of the surf pounding on the rocks outside the harbour was loud in his ears, yet he didn’t hear it. He was still walking across the parking lot, up and down the docks, and along the jetties. He never really felt tired, and hadn’t slept in three years. It just hadn’t been necessary. For three years now he’d been walking through this same harbour, past the same ships and the same people, none of which he knew. For three years he had been stuck reliving that day when she’d left him in the harbour. And he had stayed there ever since. There had been to reason to stay. In fact, leaving and forgetting her probably would have been a better choice. But the blow to his heart had flattened him to the ground. He hadn’t been able to leave then, and he wasn’t able to leave now. He didn’t have enough emotional strength to move on, to free himself from the memory of that day. Alone he would stay, wandering through this same harbour, until the time came for him to die.
All by myself
Don’t wanna be all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna be all by myself anymore
He had lost all capability for love. It was gone. He would not let himself be hurt like that again. If he had been able to think clearly, to escape the memory of that day, his life would have ended long ago. The memory, however, would not stop playing through his mind over and over again. The frown, the swift turn, and the retreating form, they would not allow him to recognize reality. He did not feel emotional pain or longing. At first he had wished that she would return to him, and give him the chance that in the beginning she had denied him. He hadn’t wanted to be alone. He had always thought that he was destined to be alone, but then he’d met her. He began to believe that maybe he had bee wrong, but his original prediction had come true, and he was all by himself once again.
When I was young, I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Everything in the harbour was closed down and locked by this time, except for the public restrooms. The streetlamps had been on for quite a while, but they did little good in the storm, which continued to rage on. It was pitch black, but he knew the harbour so well that it didn’t matter. Now that he thought about it, nothing really mattered. His life didn’t matter, and to him, no one else’s mattered either. Of course, if someone told him that she was dead and he actually comprehended them, he would have felt even worse. But that hadn’t happened, and right then, nothing meant anything. Why should it? She was gone, out of his life, and nothing else had ever meant anything anyway.
All by myself
Don’t wanna be all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
Oh
Don’t wanna live by myself, by myself anymore
Could one actually call this living? He supposed that some could, as he was breathing and walking. But could it really be considered living? His soul was long gone, it had died years ago. His mind was all but gone, with only the memory of that day remaining. No, this wasn’t living. This was simply animated death. He was a dead person, being animated by a body that refused to stop functioning. This was death in its cruelest form.
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
I never, never, never needed anyone
Dawn was breaking. The rain had stopped a while before, and the sun was just starting to rise over the mountaintops into a China-blue sky, sending golden and pink rays over the little town. He looked up into the sun, and his lips twitched. He didn’t actually smile, but he did look a little less unhappy for a send or two. The memory was leaving him. The world was returning to him. He was coming alive once again. He could move on, start up his life once more. He could finally live. A full smile broke out on his lips, and his teeth glittered in the sunlight. The memory of that day had faded to the very back of his mind. He had been given another chance.
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Psycho Chimera! is copyrighted 2000 by Adrian Metallium. Forever Alone is copyrighted 2000 by Adrian Metallium.
