Getting to Scotland - A Gundam Wing Adventure

By Crimbop

The usual stuff, I don’t own any of the characters from Gundam Wing, and I’m not entirely sure what Endless Waltz is, so I’ll leave it out. As far as I know, some Japanese company owns them. To put it simply: please don’t sue me. I am very poor.

This is my first attempt at a fanfic. Do you like it?
Praise? What’s that? You think I’m God? Why not tell me: e-mail me.
Wanna hear something impressive? Every place (nearly) in this is REAL: there is a Best Western in Chorley, The M6 does run from London to Manchester via Birmingham, etc.
So without further ado, lets begin:
GETTING TO SCOTLAND – A GUNDAM WING ADVENTURE by Crimbop
Set a while after the war.
WUFEI’S LOS ANGELES APARTMENT
All that was to be heard were grunts.
"Oh! Wufei!" Sally let out screams of passion "please don't stop."
Wufei could feel sweat trickling down his and Sally's body. He wanted this moment of hot, steamy passion to last forever as much as Sally did. Suddenly, Sally and Wufei stopped doing what they were doing.
"Wufei" she said
He simply looked at her and said "What's wrong, woman?"
"It's time to wake up" said Sally. She slapped him square on the face five times.
"Wake up, wake up, wake up..."

"Damnit, Wufei, WAKE UP!" Screamed Heero. He was getting pissed off with having to go through this every morning, but it was Wufei's apartment all the pilots were living in, so he didn't think it was right to open Wu's mail for him. Especially when it was marked URGENT AND PRIVATE, SO HANDS OFF SCUMBAG! Heero slapped the Chinese boy one more time
"Wha the f- HEERO! I WAS ENJOYING THAT DREAM!"
"You'll like this even more. A message. To you. Very urgent. Very private." said the perfect soldier, once again returning to his normal emotionless voice.

Trowa and Duo were in the main room that acted as a lounge, kitchen and any other rooms you care to list other than bedroom and toilet. They were sat a few feet from the 52 inch TV when Wufei and Heero entered the room. They were watching MTV Total Request Live on one of Duo's illegal satellite uplinks.
Duo turned to look at Wufei, who was reading the letter. "Hey Wu, what's it about? Some kind of relationship you’re not telling the rest of us about."
"Get bent, Maxwell." Wufei glanced through the letter. "It's from Treize and Zechs. They want us to go stay with them for a while. In their mansion.... in Scotland!?"
"Scotland's nice this time of year" said Quatre who had been in the kitchen-area of the room the whole time. The Arabian handed Wufei a pile of pancakes smothered in maple syrup.
"Thanks. Yeah, but how do we get there? None of us are exactly wealthy, we all share a fucked up three-wheeler and the last thing I heard is that Nataku, Heavyarms and Wing Zero was repossesed because somebody, Maxwell, forgot to pay the tax. Plus Sandrock and Deathscythe were sold to that place in Tokyo and made into a kid's play area. By the way, Maxwell, what happened to that $10,000,000?"
Duo remembered fun nights, interesting cocktails, beautiful women, and then being mugged.
"Dunno. You could sell your soul." suggested Duo.
"We could sell YOU" suggested Trowa to Duo, still staring at a pair of silicone-enhanced bosoms on the digital screen in front of him. Man thought Trowa This screen is great! You can make out her nips and everything.
"I wouldn't buy him." said Heero from the kitchen counter, tapping away at his laptop. "Anyway, I think we're in luck. According to the Nat West, a bank from England, a certain Lord Humple-duffil-shingalongading-about of Blerfgarnoshire died yesterday and didn't make a will. He was very rich. Nobody would miss, say, one hundred-thousand pounds sterling would they?"
"Um... what's that to us?"
Heero thought for a while. "About $145,998."
"You must be joking" said Wufei disbelievingly. "I thought you had honor! Integrity! I thought you were truthful... oh, fuck it, just get the cash and I'll go call Zechs."

"So what your telling me," said Quatre to the airline representative "is that until this time in fifteen years, the only flight we could get is to Heathrow?" Quatre sighed as the rep nodded solemnly.
"Cheer up, Quatre" Duo decided to keep his friend company on the trip to the airport. "I mean look at that map" he indicated a world map on the wall, showing all the major airports of the world "it's only a few inches! A day at most!"
"Look, Duo, obviously you have never used any highway outside America, so I'll tell you straight: The road network in England is, in all meanings of the term, crap. The M25 isn't a highway: it's a car park. People just drive on, walk to London and when they come back later in the day, the traffic hasn't moved an inch. I could survive driving from Leeds or even Manchester. But London?"
"Cheer up. I doubt it's that bad."

HEATHROW AIRPORT, LONDON, ENGLAND

The first thing that shocked the pilots as they entered Heathrow airport was the surprising lack of all things British: Beefeaters, Rolls Royce’s', and so on. Instead, they could've been in any airport. The only giveaway was the presence of English accents.

ALAMO RENT-A-CAR, LONDON, ENGLAND
"Welcome to Alamo, sir. How can I help you?"
"We reserved a car from Los Angeles, woman. Now we want to pick it up."
"Yessir. What name?"
"Chang Wufei"
"Um... could you spell that please?"
"Ach! Damn stupid woman! C-H-A-N-G W-U-F-E-I"
She tapped into a computer, which promptly beeped.
"Right, you ordered the Express-super-fancy-stately-package with fully comp insurance, protection against fire, theft, and meteorite shower and complementary beverage holder and limited edition Alamo T-shirt."
She produced a wad of paper that could challenge the Bible in thickness and content.
"These are the papers that protect Alamo from you suing us in the unlikely event that one of Alamo's employees attacks you with a bread knife. Sign here. And here. Here, here and here too. Initials here, here, here. Great. Now we'll just take a blood sample, retinal scan and fingerprints...."

Duo, Quatre, Heero and Trowa were all sat outside the Alamo center in London looking very unimpressed.
"London is supposed to be full of big towers with clocks on the side and funny-looking white domes on the edge of a river. Not full of" Duo waved around "Coca Cola adverts and IBM shops and McDonalds restaurants. And have I seen one British car? No. It's all Nissans and Chevrolets and Fiats. You could be in any city"
"Shut up, Duo" Heero muttered, "You'll give yourself a nosebleed."
"That's Wufei's job" laughed Duo. This even raised a smile on Trowa and Heero's face.
"Well, sir, assuming that the DNA match is positive and your urine sample checks OK, I'd like to thank you for choosing Alamo. Your car is in space 399912-D on the fifth floor of level B-6 in tower K99. It is a lovely Renault Espace with seating for twelve, room for 43 road girders and a small dog. Now piss off, asshole."
Wufei wandered over to where the other four pilots were sat.
"I think... they... um... took... um... too much... wotsit. Blood. Yeah." Mumbled Wufei shortly before collapsing in a heap on the floor in front of Quatre.
"You okay, Chang?" asked Quatre suspiciously.
"He's just pissing us about" said Duo "They don't take blood samples, he's only rented a car, not bought a lim- jeezus!" He pointed to the entrance of the Alamo center where the Alamo rep was walking to a FedEx van with a 7 pint glass bottle of blood.
Wufei grunted “what a nice woman” and began to snore.
Thirty minutes later.
"Do you ever get the feeling that a really important part of you is missing?"
"You mean the feeling you get when most of the blood is taken out of your body so that a company can tell who you are? Occasionally."
"Who are you?"
"I am God."
Momentary silence.
"No you're not."
"Am to."
"If your God then why do you speak just like that stupid Maxwell?"
"Open your eyes Wufei. Here have a burger."
Duo passed Wufei a Big Mac and a large Pepsi.
Wufei looked about. He was in the back seat of a large, luxury car in the midst of a traffic jam. The person in the car next to them got out and began to walk.
"We're on the M25" said Heero, driving (or relaxing) and anticipating Wufei's question "the London ring road. We should come across the M6 soon and we'll be on our way to Manchester."
"How far have we come so far?" asked Wufei
"About 20 miles"
"How long have we been traveling?"
"About 3 hours"
Duo began to fidget. "I'm bored."
"Shut up!" Said Quatre "we're doing the best we can".
The other four pilots were all huddled around the radio, trying to get it to work.
"It says here that you should twist the AC/DC servo channel whilst swiping the security card you got when you bought the car." Trowa had his head buried in the Operating instructions. "It also goes on to tell you of a nice-sounding tuna dish."
"I *didn't* buy the car. I rented it. I hope." Said Wufei, remembering the vast amounts of documents he signed without reading them. For all he knows, he could have signed his life away, or he might owe Alamo a million dollars.
Duo looked up from playing with himself. "I've just noticed. Does anybody else feel out of character?"
"Yeah" said Quatre "I keep on saying things I wouldn't normally say. And if I'm so rich, why don't I just get a private jet or helicopter to take us to Scotland?"
"Perhaps this is just a story written by a boy who has little to do and suddenly thought he'd write a story about us, but we're actually just characters in an Anime on TV, trying to do something as trivial as get to Scotland from London."
"Shut up" said the other four.
Five minutes later, the pilots were speeding up the M6 and well on their way to Manchester, then Scotland.
BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND
"So. If we stop at this hotel here, we could stay there overnight. There are no major cities between there and Scotland. We could just continue up the M6 all the way." Wufei and Duo were route-planning. Duo looked up. "Where are we?"
"Birmingham" came the reply from Heero. "We've just passed the M5."
"Okay, you listening up front?" called Wufei. "We take the M6 to the Manchester ring road, the M60. We turn off onto the M61 for about 30 miles and we stop overnight at a place called-" he glanced at the map "-Chorley near Preston in Lancashire. Okay? In the morning, we continue north until we reach Glasgow and I call Zechs and ask for directions. Everybody happy?"
Nobody complained. That'll do.
"Look!" called Duo "I've got some belly-button-fluff."
Everybody looked at what Duo was showing them, even Heero who was disgusted.
"Distraction. Please?" asked Quatre, who looked like he might be sick.
Heero punched the radio. There was a crackle, a snap and a pop. Then there were teletubbies.
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" screamed everybody, even Heero and Trowa. Heero punched the radio, every time, it found a new station. Finally, it landed on a station everybody agreed with.
"I had no idea that the Teletubbies has their own radio station in the UK."
"I need a pee."
"Me too."
"I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"I'm thirsty."
"Your thirsty *and* you need the bathroom? That's bad."
Duo and Quatre were comparing bladder conditions. Heero was lay across a couple of seats in the back, Trowa was navigating and Wufei was driving.
"There's a service station in a few miles" said Trowa "we can stop there."
"Or" said Wufei with an evil tone in his voice "I could wait till we get past Manchester"
Wufei grinned at Trowa who smirked back. In his sleep, Heero smiled too.
KNUTSFORD SREVICE STATION, CHESHIRE, ENGLAND
From the moment he pulled into the service station, Chang knew it was a bad idea. The place had commercial written all over it.
"If anybody tries to clamp my wheels, they'll have me and a kantana to argue with" he said to a sign proclaiming that is you don't display a ticket, you'll be clamped. Tickets are only five pounds.
Heero sat in the Burger King noisily munching a Double Whopper with Wufei who was drinking an extra-large Pepsi with extra-large gulps. Mental note: thought Heero to himself, watching Wufei gulping, make a better and closer relationship with Wufei.
Duo and Quatre were in the arcade playing Sega Rally. Nobody knew where Trowa was. Probably being quiet and reclusive with himself somewhere.
After dragging Quatre and Duo kicking and screaming (literally) from their eights round of Time Crisis, everybody climbed back into the car/
"I'll drive" said Quatre.
"Can you drive?" asked Wufei, head buried in the map.
"Well... I did good on Sega Rally. How hard can it be?"
They passed a sign reading Thank you for visiting Knutsford Services... we'll miss you!
I'll miss me too thought Heero as Quatre pushed the accelerator to the floor.
Except for the occasional screams of "Watch that sign!" or "THEY DRIVE ON THE LEFT OVER HERE!" Quatre's leg of the journey was surprisingly quiet. Because of fear? Definitely. Wufei was thinking of all the worst things that had ever happened to him... trying to think of something worse than this. Nothing. He closed his eyes, only to be awoken to the sound of something outside the car exploding and Quatre saying "Oops! Bet that was expensive."
CHORLEY BEST WESTERN, CHOLRLEY, LANCASHIRE, ENGLAND
As night was falling, the car pulled up at the hotel in Chorley. It was a traditional English barn conversion on the edge of a canal.
"How quaint. I love it!" Quatre liked it.
The other pilots regarded it as nothing they hadn't seen before (except this time, they weren’t going to destroy it).
They checked in and went to their rooms. Duo shared with Heero. Trowa shared with Quatre. Wufei slept alone.
Heero was awake later than anybody else. He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling whilst Duo snored happily next to him. Their room was between the other pilot's rooms. Quatre and Trowa had evidently had a good time. You could tell that by the way the picture fell off the wall, the floor lamp toppled over and the lights on the ceiling rallied. Heero looked at the prone Duo. No chance there. He listened to the silence. He caught a sound on the edge of hearing from Wufei's room. Heero got up and put his ear to the wall. Sure enough, there was a sound.
Of Wufei weeping softly. Heero wasn't what you might call the most understanding person in the word, but he knew that something was badly wrong. He woke Duo and made him listen.
"Shit. What do you suppose is up?" Asked Duo
Heero looked at Duo "I knew this would happen. There's five of us, one person is likely to get left by themselves."
"Yeah, but he knows he only has to ask..."
"That would be hard, wouldn't it? Imagine him coming to you and asking if he could screw you. It's not that he doesn't want to, or he can't. He just thinks that we have a close relationship that he can't intervene in."
"You should be a psychologist."
The soft weeping had ended.
"What should we do?" asked Duo
"Leave him. I think he's sleeping."
"Who's sleeping?" asked Wufei, stood in the door. "Sorry to disturb you, but I was having difficulty sleeping and I came round on the chance you had something that might help me."
Heero decided to make the first move. "Is there anything you want to tell us, Wufei?"
Duo walked over to Wufei and put his arm around him. Wufei looked as if he was going to say something but he decided better of it. "No, I don't think..."
Wufei looked troubled for a second while he thought of an answer. Suddenly he had an uncontrollable burst of emotion and he collapsed on his knees and started crying his brains out.
Five minutes later, Wufei was sat on the end of Heero and Duo's bed crying madly and trying to regurgitate incomplete sentences. From what Heero could interpret, he figures that Wufei had a very stressful childhood during which he was generally rejected by other boys in his colony, and he had a mother who actually wanted a daughter and who tried to get Wufei to wear skirts.
Duo and Quatre sat on either side of him, their arms around him. Trowa and Heero stood leaning on the row of cupboards opposite.
"...And then I got chosen to" sniffling noises "to come to Earth and I've had nobody since then."
"Come on, Wu-man" said Duo patting him on the back affectionately "you've got us."
Wufei's face wavered and he collapsed back into tears.
That night, Wufei slept in Duo and Heero's bed, with Duo, Heero, Trowa and Quatre.
When Heero woke up, everything was as it had been when he fell asleep. Except that Wufei was missing. Without waking the other pilots, he slipped out of the bottom of the bed; slipped into his spandex and tank top (did I mention they were all naked last night? Perhaps I forgot that bit) and went next door to find Wufei packing his things. Wufei looked around at him and smiled.
"Good morning, Heero."
"I've never heard you say that before. You feeling better, I take it?"
"Are you talking about what happened last night or that thing you can smell?"
Heero sniffed the air
"Shit! Damnit, Chang, what have you eaten? A horse?"
"No. Curries are popular over here. I went into the town center this a few minutes ago and I couldn't resist."
Wufei walked past Heero and closed the bathroom door. "The air freshener wasn't up to the challenge, though."
"So I see." said Heero "But to ask again, are you feeling better?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Wufei, can I ask you something?"
"Go on"
"Are you… I mean, do you... um..."
"Am I gay? Yes. I thought you knew."
“Um… h-“
“Yes. Once with Treize.”
"Er… actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to drive, but that was another question in my mind."
"Oh. Sure. I'll drive"
M61 NORTHBOUND NEAR LANCASTER, LANCASHIRE, ENGLAND
By seven o'clock the pilots were well on their way on the M61 to Scotland. Wufei was feeling much better and very light hearted. He began to whistle while the other pilots stared on in disbelief. Duo, not wanting to ruin a perfectly good opportunity to display his voice, began to sing along with Wufei’s whistling.
“Oh when the saaaaaaaints. Come marching iiiiiiiiiin. Oh when the saints- come- mar- ching- iiiiiin-“ he squealed on pitches that drive dogs, cats and Heero nuts.
Quatre joined in singing. The audience (Heero and Trowa) was not impressed by this at all.
“I want to beeee in that num-ber… when the saints come mar-ching iiiiiiin.”
Wufei turned around for a second.
“I’m sorry,” he said to Heero and Trowa “I didn’t think I’d start them singing.”
ZECHS AND TREIZE’S MANSION, CAWDOR, SCOTLAND
At three o’clock, Treize’s cell phone rang.
“Hello?”
"..."
“Hello Trowa.”
"..."
“Right. At junction 39 turn onto the A3464 towards Glasgow. After about three miles, take a right turn down the B99223. Ours is about five miles down that road, straight after the big lake. Got that?”
"..."
“No, the *B*99223. OK?”
"..."
“Right. See you later.”
On this he hung up.
“Who was that?” called Relena from the next room.
“Trowa,” he called back “They’ve just arrived in Scotland and couldn’t figure out which junction to come off at.”
“Okay then”
M61 NORTHBOUND, 20 MILES SOUTH OF GLASGOW
“Out of mild curiosity, have any of you wondered why we actually agreed to travel all the way from our cozy place in LA to the cold, barren, depths of Scotland?” Duo had been wondering this since they left, only now had he actually put it into words.
“You mean nobody told you?” asked Wufei
“We’re here on a skiing holiday, remember?” continued Heero
“No. I don’t remember at all. Whoa! SKIING? SWEET!”
“Too right!” Quatre was getting all excited now “We’ll go flying down steep hills with jagged rocks everywhere, getting whipped by branches while our eyes cover over with ice.” He was beginning to bounce up and down in his seat.
“There’s the house” said Trowa, observant as ever.
Quatre continued “and when you’ve had so much exposure to sub-zero temperatures that it makes you feel like you want to die, you go back into the warmth of the house and it feels like you’ve just wandered into a pool of molten lava.”
The car stopped outside the gates.
A silence fell on the pilots, even Quatre.
“That doesn’t actually sound like a lot of fun” said Duo
“This time, I must agree.” Said Wufei, back to is normal self “I don’t think that is my idea of a good time.”
They sat a minute in silence.
“So. What are we doing?” Asked Heero
“Fuck this. Let’s go home.” Said Duo. A murmur of agreement from the other pilots backed him up. Wufei performed a three-point turn and drove back to the motorway.
ZECHS AND TREIZE’S MANSION, CAWDOR, SCOTLAND

At five o’clock Treize’s cell phone rang again
“Hello?”
"..."
“Trowa! We were worried! Where are you?”
"..."
You’re going home? Why?”
"..."
“You’ve all got the flu?”
"..."
“Well… I hope you get better soon. Maybe next time, huh?”
"..."
“See you around.”
On this he hung up.
“Who was that?” called Relena from the next room.
“Trowa” he called back “They’ve all got the flu and are going home.”
“Okay then.”
CRIMBOP :-)
Heheheh. That’s it! My first attempt!
If you have something to say e-mail me

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