Mamoru sat on a chair on the balcony of their bedroom, one leg drawn up so that he could rest his arm on his knee. His eyes stared listlessly ahead, blank with no emotion. The slight breeze ruffled his hair a bit so that it fell into his eyes but he didn't notice. A rose twirled in the hand that rested on his leg as he continued to stare straight in front of him, into the lights of the city that would soon know everything.
His tears had long since run dry. After Usagi had fallen into a state of unconsciousness from the sedative given to her, Mamoru had fallen to his knees beside the bed. He had stayed silent for her but when there was no way she could have heard him, his painful sobs had filled the room mixing with the sobs of the other Senshi.
He had knelt there, his eyes shielded by his arm and cried like a child, an action that felt so foreign to him. He had heard Ami say something to him, something about the blood loss being in control and that everything would be okay.
But he knew that her words were lies. Everything would *not* be okay, he didn't know if it would *ever* be okay and only continued to let the tears soak the new bed sheets. They had changed Usagi into new clothes and had changed the sheets and she lay in a white nightgown, a white that matched the deathly pale color of her skin.
He had heard them file out of the room, still quietly crying and he had soon after that stopped crying. And now, here he was, sitting on this chair, his wife inside, lying there on their bed, breathing slowly. He felt empty, devoid of feeling anything, a kind of emotion he thought he would never have to experience again after meeting Usagi for the first time. His soul had shriveled up and hidden itself somewhere.
He continued to twirl the rose and his gaze shifted to it and with no surprise he noted that the edges of the petals were now drying up, slowly crumbling. Even the flower could feel his pain, he thought bitterly.
Suddenly he caught the rose by the bud and crushed it within his fist. Someone had to pay for this, and he knew exactly who that someone would be. He got up and strode into the bedroom, towards the door, glancing only once at Usagi and then he was gone.
He walked through the hallways, not bothering to control the anger that was slowly growing inside. He didn't want to curb this emotion and he walked a little faster, almost eager to reach his destination. He entered the cell area and the guards moved aside, their eyes lowering, but not before he saw the pity in them. His anger increased tenfold and he grabbed the keys from a stand outside and used one to open a particular cell.
Tiros sat there and he looked up and smiled slightly to see Mamoru walk in. "My condolences-" he began but was abruptly cut off.
"You bastard!" Mamoru took him by the collar and shoved him up against the wall and then shoved him up against it again. "You heartless bastard! I could kill you right now, quick and easy, in a snap but no, I want you to die slowly. I'll make sure you die slowly. I want you to feel the pain that my wife went through, I want you too feel every bit of it!" Mamoru yelled. He slammed him again, not caring if he broke any bones.
Outwardly it seemed as though he was riding on pure anger and fury but there was more lying underneath. One only had to look into the King's eyes to see the deep pain and suffering that mixed with the anger.
He slammed Tiros again, satisfied to see a look of pain cross the other man's face. It was then that he felt hands pulling at him, pulling him away from Tiros, trying to constrain him. He turned around to see Sailor Uranus and Sailor Jupiter trying to stop him.
"It's not worth it, not now," Haruka said directing a look of disgust towards the other man.
"Serenity needs you right now, Sailor Mercury believes she may wake up soon," Makoto added. She felt relieved to see the glazed look leave his eyes and they began to walk out of the cell until Tiros' voice stopped Mamoru cold.
"You will never be able to kill me, Endymion, you don't have the heart to do it. You're too noble a king as everyone knows." His voice was mocking and insulting. His next breath caught in his throat as he felt sharp pains strike his body.
He looked down to see one rose embedded in his thigh and another embedded in his shoulder. He staggered back and raised his head to see Endymion looking at him with no expression on his face.
"I may not kill you, but I will make you feel pain. You can trust me on that." He nodded to the guard standing there. "Don't bother taking them out," was all he said and then he was gone.

He entered their bedroom quietly and noticed Ami sitting beside Usagi.
"I think she's about to wake," she began, walking towards him, "her breathing has returned to a stable level and I believe her body is coming out of the shock from the..."
"The miscarriage," Mamoru said with finality.
"Hai..." she trailed off, not knowing what else to say. What else could she have said? She turned to leave but stopped suddenly when he spoke.
"God Ami, how could this have happened? It wasn't supposed to happen! It's impossible, we were expecting a healthy daughter, pink odangos, big, bright eyes... she's gone Ami... why didn't any of us see it?"
She turned around slowly and saw Mamoru standing by the bed, looking down at Usagi. He looked so utterly weary and she wondered if things would ever be the same again. He was right in a sense, she thought. How could Usagi's miscarriage have occurred? Wasn't it destined for her to have... Chibi-Usa?
There was something completely wrong with the picture and she intended to find any answers.
"Mamoru-san, I know this will be hard for you, but... if you don't mind, I'd like to run some tests on..." she swallowed the lump at her throat and continued, "on the fetus." Yes, that's what it would be, a fetus. It hadn't been born, it was only a fetus. It would help ease the pain. But then tears sprung to her eyes and she gave in. Oh Kami... she couldn't go on like this... it was just too much.
"Hai, Ami, do them and get back to me as soon as you can. I want to know everything."
"Sou. Take care Mamoru-san. I'll be back later to check on Usagi-chan."
Ami closed the door behind her and he turned back just in time to see Usagi's eyelashes flutter. He pulled up a chair and took one of her hands in his, waiting for her to open her eyes fully.
"Mamo-chan?" she asked weakly, her eyelids opening slightly.
"I'm here Usako, I'm right here."
She opened her eyes completely and turned her head slightly to look at him. "I feel so weak, I feel like I can't move any of my limbs."
"It's okay Usa, you'll be alright," he said trying to sound reassuring. But his voice did not hold any emotion and he had said the words almost flatly and Usagi had picked up on that.
"Alright...?" she whispered. Her other hand moved slowly to her stomach and tears began to leak from her eyes as she remembered the pain, the loss, everything. "The baby won't be alright..." she inhaled shakily and turned her head away from him as more tears followed. "God, I could just die. I don't want to live anymore..."
"But you will, Usa!" Mamoru said harshly, his grip on her hand tightening, unbelieving that she felt this way. Did she not care about how he felt? Didn't she realize that he felt as much pain as she, that he too wanted to just leave this world, his heart ached so much? "You will not die, you will live. We will live, together. We've been through so much Usako, we can survive-"
"Iie! We've had to face battles, Mamo-chan, not our baby's death!" she cried looking at him.
He said nothing and his face showed nothing. Her hand slowly slipped from his grasp and rested limply at her side. She turned her head away once more.
"Please, just leave me alone for right now. I... I just want some time alone... to think."
Mamoru sat back in shock. He felt as though he had been struck, his wife's words having that much of an effect on him. He quickly schooled his features into showing no emotion and got up slowly.
"If you need me, use our link to get me. I'll most likely be in my office." He leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead and straightened. "Feel better," was all he said and then he walked out of the room.
She didn't turn to watch him go, instead she turned more fully onto her side, one hand cushioned under her face, the other lying against her stomach. She let out a choked sob and then closed her eyes, crying quietly. Why, why why? It was all she could think about.
No one had warned her about this. There had been no signs that this was to happen. All she had known in the past was that she would rule Crystal Tokyo with Mamoru by her side, have Chibi-Usa, and maybe have a few more children, maybe fight a few enemies but all in all rule peacefully... with Chibi-Usa as her first child. When had the Fates decided that it would be different?
Her eyelids felt heavy and she let sleep overtake her once more. She slept heavily and when she awoke the next morning she found herself alone in the bedroom. She squinted her eyes at the bright sunlight and reached out a hand to the wrinkled sheets where Mamoru had slept.
Her hands smoothed over the area and she was struck with a need for him to be there at that moment. She needed him... she wanted to say so much to him but he wasn't here... Was he avoiding her? The thought had the effect of an iron band tightening around her heart.
"My Queen."
She looked over her shoulder to see Sailor Pluto standing there, her face holding a great amount of sadness.
Setsuna looked at her Queen, lying there, looking so hurt and so pained. She looked very vulnerable also, almost as though if she were ready to fall apart. Which was probably true, she thought sadly.
Usagi, wiped a hand over her face and turned over, trying to sit up.
"No, my Queen, there is no need to sit up," Setsuna said, walking over to stop her from exerting herself unnecessarily. Usagi stopped and instead lay facing Setsuna, managing a small smile.
"You're always so formal, Setsuna. How many times have I told you to just call me Usagi?"
"It is a habit... my Queen," she replied, with a smile.
Usagi smiled again but it faded quickly as she thought of something. "Setsuna, can't you... can't you turn back time and bring my baby back? You are the Senshi of Time and Eternal Space. Couldn't you do something? Onegai?"
Setsuna wanted to cry at her Queen's words. She sounded so hopeful but there was no way Setsuna could help her. This whole situation was out of her hands and she was not authorized to change it in any way. "I am sorry my Queen. It is how it has to be."
Her cryptic words did nothing for Usagi; they only increased her anguish. "You knew about this?" she asked, her voice rising a little.
"I cannot say, my Queen," Setsuna was becoming uncomfortable and she knew what Usagi's next words would be.
"You did, didn't you? How could you? How could you let me face this with no hint of warning whatsoever?"
Her voice held accusations and Setsuna felt as though she had committed betrayal. "Gomen, my Queen, please understand that I only want what is best for you. As a Senshi I would protect you with my life..." an awkward silence ensued which was suddenly broken by Usagi's sobs. Setsuna could take it no more and placed a hand on Usagi's shoulder.
"Usagi-chan," she said quietly, gaining the woman's attention, "have hope. That is all I can tell you. Things will be right once again. I swear it."
She left and Usagi was left alone once again. It seemed as though her tears were never ending, she thought, wiping them away for what seemed like the hundredth time. She wanted Mamoru to be with her but she knew that he too needed some time alone. That, and she had also felt a small rift between them when she had spoken with him earlier.
Fresh tears fell from her eyes at that thought. They didn't need any hardships between them right now, but she had a feeling that things were far from becoming 'right once again' as Setsuna had said.
Suddenly feeling exhausted she quickly fell asleep, her thoughts and dreams troubled. She woke up in the afternoon to see Minako checking her temperature.
"Hey Usagi-chan, feeling hungry?" she asked, smiling kindly.
"Hai, I am. Minako-chan... does everyone know... about me?"
Minako lowered her eyes when she spoke. "Hai, Usagi-chan. A press release went out yesterday night. The people of the city were so concerned about you after hearing of the attack."
"Oh, well I guess the people have to be kept informed."
"You should have something to eat Usagi-chan," Minako said suddenly, changing the subject. She turned around and picked up a tray of food. "You must be starving, after all you've been sleeping all this time!" she said teasingly.
Usagi managed a small smile for her friend, although truth be told, she had no appetite whatsoever. They ate in companionable silence until Usagi asked where Mamoru was.
"I'm not sure Usagi-chan," the other woman replied, averting her gaze. "He said a lot needed to be done and for the most part I think he stayed in his office meeting with various officials."
"Do you think he's avoiding me?"
Minako heard the wistful tone in her friend's voice and sought to reassure her. "Oh no, Usagi-chan! He'd never do that, he loves you so much. It's just that... I think he just needs to get his thoughts in order and he's distracting himself with work. Both of you guys need to get your selves together. And remember, Usagi-chan, for the most part of his life, Mamoru-san kept things to himself... this is probably deals with pain, as I'm sure you know."
"Demo... I need him, Minako-chan. I need him here, with me."
Minako had no idea what to say to that, so she leaned over and hugged her friend, stopping the tears that threatened to fall. "It'll be alright Usagi-chan. He'll never leave you, he'd be a crazy baka to do that. He'll be here for you, I know it," she said in a tight voice. She straightened and picking up the tray said goodbye, leaving the room.
"Everyone says it'll be alright," she whispered to herself, "demo... why do I feel the opposite way?"

She awoke much later to the sounds of someone moving around the room. Turning over and facing the balcony she saw that it was nighttime and lay there, staring. Kami, she was sleeping a lot, she realized. Everything seemed so unreal, almost as though she were in a dream. She felt curiously detached from her body, almost in a numb-like state.
"Usa, are you awake?"
"Hai," she said quietly, turning over to see Mamoru standing over her.
"Good, I thought it'd be best for you to eat dinner here tonight and I'd join you."
"It sounds good to me," she said listlessly, pushing herself up. Mamoru picked up a tray of food and placed it in front of her and then sat down on a chair next to the bed.
They ate in silence until Mamoru asked her a few questions.
"How are you feeling?" he asked carefully.
"Better, a bit rested," she answered.
"Do you feel any pain?"
Only the aching in my heart, she thought but only shook her head at his question. "I'm fine, really. I think I'll be up and about tomorrow."
He smiled a bit and removed the tray from her lap, seeing she had finished. "Ami thinks you should stay in bed for a day longer. It's safer that way and by then the blood flow should become less."
"Oh, okay."
It was as though they were having a neutral conversation over tea, Usagi thought with hurt. She wanted... what did she want? She wanted comfort. She wanted her husband to hold her close; she wanted to feel warm and protected. She wanted the knowledge that he would be there, that there'd be no fear of losing him too.
She'd realized it was so easy to lose something, no, someone you loved dearly and she needed that reassurance that he wouldn't leave her just as easily as... as her baby had left her.
But he seemed so distant right now and she had no idea why. He seemed impassive and she was almost afraid to go to him. Oh God, a thought suddenly struck her, did he maybe blame her for the miscarriage? She had after all demanded that she go down with him that night. It was true, she thought, if she had never gone down, everything could have been avoided and she would still be pregnant... she would be happy and glowing... But she *had* gone down and now... She shut her eyes tightly and inhaled shakily.
"Usako, are you alright?" Mamoru asked as he watched the play of emotions across her face. He had seen the longing for something in her eyes and then that longing had changed to fear and from fear he had seen an incredible guilt on her face. Why?
He knew he felt guilt. He felt guilt and shame... for not being able to protect her. He *should* have protected her from Tiros, should have protected her from that blast... but he hadn't done enough and now she had paid the price for his carelessness.
Maybe that was why he had seen that look of fear flash through her eyes, maybe she was afraid that he wouldn't be able to protect her the next time... his heart pounded fearfully at the thought and he took a deep breath.
"Usako, are you alright?" he repeated.
"Hai, I'm fine, just tired again, that's all."
"Then go to sleep. I'll join you in a few minutes."
And he did, after taking a shower. Usagi felt the bed give on his side but continue to lie on her side, her back facing him. It was all her fault, if only she had used her head... they would be lying in each other's arms, loving life for all it had given them. But... it hadn't worked out that way.
On the other side, Mamoru lay, his back turned to his wife. It was his fault, he thought, if only he had used more of his reflexes, if only he had realized where the youma had been aiming for, if only he had been more stern in keeping Usagi in their room. Kami, he could go on forever and every time he thought of something the burden of guilt and shame pressed down on him, suffocating him.
"If only..." they both mouthed at the same time, too quietly for the other to hear.

"Their pain steadily increases," she, the youngest, said.
"It is something they must bear," said the second, older than the first."
"Pain is a human emotion, without it their lives are useless to us," said the third, oldest out of the three.
"Still..."
"Pain is necessary."
"It is life."

End.