Etcetera volume 1 By To Nakazaki Translation by Hecate Translator's Note: Since the story is set in the Old West, I gave many of the characters accents. I think that this adds to the feel of the story, plus it was a lot of fun. ? These accents are deliberately extreme, so I apologize if I've offended anyone. It was not intentional. Episode 1 – The Girl With the Gun MING CHAO: Poooppppssss!!!! POPS: Oh, Ming Chao… MING CHAO: Good morning! Here are some eggs and chickens that I caught. You can even eat the chicken feet, not boiled. And you can use the bones for broth… POPS: I know, I know, Ming Chao… * POPS: Here's your money, don't lose it! MING CHAO: Thanks! See you tomorrow! WIFE: That girl is always so happy. POPS: She comes down from the mountain everyday…A few days ago the grandfather that she lived with died. She must feel so alone… WIFE: Poor girl, all alone out West… MING CHAO: I've still got a few hens. At last I don't have to deal with that obnoxious grandfather of mine! I'm free…to do whatever I can to make my dream come true! Yeess!!! I want to be a superstar! I want to be a famous musical star, in Hollywood! A beautiful girl like I shouldn't have to sell chickens for a living! I can hear the riotous applause, the cheering crowds, hear the wings of the doves…even the vultures…vultures? * MING CHAO: Shoo! Shoo! Huh? I thought they were eating a dead rabbit or something…but this is a dead guy…a priest…I don't know what to do, but I do know that no one will buy human flesh. He looks dead…Well, I'll just leave him. BASKERVILLE: Uh…where am I…? MING CHAO: Ah! You woke up, Priest. Hang on, I'll make you a good meal. * MING CHAO: To tell you the truth, this rabbit didn't want to come out of its burrow. It'll be ready in a sec. Stew will bring your strength back. BASKERVILLE: Not only have you saved me, but you're also feeding me. Thank you so much! And let us give thanks to Our Father! I'm Baskerville. I've been traveling the countryside to speak the word of God. MING CHAO: Wow! Traveling the countryside! I'm Ming Chao. I'm Chinese. I live on the mountain up ahead. BASKERVILLE: That mountain? Isn't that in the opposite direction of town? MING CHAO: Yep, I live alone! BASKERVILLE: What?? Alone out West?!? But it's dangerous! You could meet an outlaw at any moment – MING CHAO: Well, I have a weapon… BASKERVILLE: My, what an…odd gun! MING CHAO: My grandpa, who just died, made it. He made this…He even made this pot! He was a smith! It's got bullets, but it doesn't shoot, see… * BASKERVILLE: It's good for scaring people. May I see it for a bit? MING CHAO: Yes, of course! Nooo! The gun's in the stew! Oy… BASKERVILLE: I-I'm sorry! I'll go find something to clean it with… MING CHAO: No, it's not the gun…but my delicious rabbit stew… BOUL: Hee hee! Wall, lookee here…a kid an' a priest! * BASKERVILLE: Who are you? BOUL: I don' even hafta call my bros, I kin take you out all by my lonesome! My name's Boul, an' I'm one of the three Viper Brothers! We was gonna attack the town tomorrow, but we cain't have anyone knowin'…so it looks like y'all's gonna hafta die! BASKERVILLE & MING CHAO: WHAAAT?!? MING CHAO: BASKERVILLE: Don't do so foolish a thing! To take another person's life is a mortal sin! BOUL: God! You really think He exists! But whut if yer wrong? I say that if y'all saw me, y'all's gonna die! But don't you worry none, I'll eat thet rabbit stew for ya. That way y'all kin die in peace. * BASKERVILLE: Ming Chao? MING CHAO: BOUL: Oh, come on! What d'y'all think you kin do with that queer ol' gun? MING CHAO: Don't move! If you move, I'll kill you! BOUL: Wall, ain't thet somethin'! Go 'head an' shoot, if you cain! C'mon, y'all, why ain't ya shootin'? Is it 'cause thet gun's jest a toy? MING CHAO: BOUL: If y'all ain't gonna shoot, than I am! Die!!! * BASKERVILLE: It fired?!! BOUL: Whut the hell were you aimin' at? WHAT?!? * MING CHAO: The bullet…? BASKERVILLE: Hey you! MING CHAO: I shot something on the first try! I didn't know how to shoot, and today I hit him dead on! How wonderful! I'm a sharpshooter! BASKERVILLE: MING CHAO: Come on, let's get out of here! He said his friends were around here too… BASKERVILLE: Ah, that's right…We mustn't linger here. We need to go someplace safer! MING CHAO: Ok, let's go to my place! * VANDORM: Whar's the Chinese brat? I know she lives in this here town! I'm a gonna kill her! How dare she treat one a the Viper Brothers like this? I come ta get my revenge! MAN: What on earth is he talkin' about? WOMAN: What happened? POPS: The Viper Brothers?!? They're wanted men… VANDORM: Hey Dom, don't ya think we're a little too nice? DOM: Vandorm brudda. Say we do it! * (chicken noises) CHICKEN 1: We're hungry! CHICKEN 2: Feed us! MING CHAO: What a racket! Geez,! Shit, I overslept…huh? The priest is gone…is he in the bath? There aren't any doors or windows in my bathroom for privacy…(I'll go have a look!) BASKERVILLE: * MING CHAO: Hey, Priest! What are you doing here? BASKERVILLE: Argh! No, nothing…just taking a walk… MING CHAO: There isn't anything interesting in Grandpa's office. I'll make you some tea – eh? Smoke…from town! POPS: Ahh…my store! VANDORM: The fire ain't big enough, I need more ta burn! MAN 2: This is terrible! VANDORM: Hey, Pops! Don't you know nothin' 'bout thet li'l Chinese gal? POPS: Ah! That girl… * MING CHAO: STOP IT! You're that guy's companions from yesterday, the Whatever Brothers! Stop harassing these people! VANDORM: You sure this's her? She's jest a kid! DOM: An' if it wuz you… VANDORM: Ah! Dom! MING CHAO: He's…enormous… DOM: How could ya do thet ta my li'l brudder? I challenge ya ta a duel! * DOM: T'morrow at noon! Here!! MING CHAO: But…Hang on! I don't know how – DOM: If fer some reason ya don' show…all these here townfolk…are gonna die! MING CHAO: Ahhhh! What'll I do? I can't win against a guy like that, he'll kill me! And if I don't go, he'll kill everyone else instead! BASKERVILLE: Do not fear, God will surely protect you…let us pray! MING CHAO: Leave me alone! My god is Koutei! Ahhh! What to do? I could make a trap!!! Or find a substitute… BASKERVILLE: Not much to be done here… * OUTLAW 1: So Brother Vandorm's gonna shoot that kid honestly! OUTLAW 2: Ain't no way the kid'll win! DOM: T'morrow I'm gonna kill the kid and we'll take all the town's booty an' git! OUTLAWS: By the way, Dom, whar's Vandorm? DOM: Shucks! M' li'l brudder done gone to th' hotel ta git some shut eye! BASKERVILLE: Too bad…I give you warning! Leave this place quickly! God will allow you to harm neither the girl nor the good people of this town! OUTLAW HORDE 1: Whut the hell're you doin' here, preacher boy? OUTLAW HORDE 2: God won't allow? Now thet's funny…Why don't ya show us? DOM: Y'all'll see thet t'morrow. Everyone's gonna die, but we'll let the preacher boy git ta heaven first of all! * DOM: But…yer… BASKERVILLE: I cannot let that girl be killed tomorrow… NAKAZAKI: She wore herself out worrying… GRANDPA: Ming Chao…wake up, Ming Chao… MING CHAO: Ahh! Grandpa! You're a ghost! It's my fault!!!! I should have burned you, not buried yoooouuu!! GRANDPA: I will teach you a bit about the etogun… MING CHAO: Huh? GRANDPA: The gun that you fired yesterday is called Etogun, and I made it using the secret techniques of the Orient. It will fire when the bullets come into contact with the spirit of one of the 12 animals of the Chinese zodiac! * GRANDPA: Like yesterday when you dropped the etogun in the rabbit stew…If the bullet comes into contact with an animal substance, it will behave like that animal! MING CHAO: An animal substance… GRANDPA: Do you understand? The etogun can only function with an animal substance! Don't forget! I will always be with you! MING CHAO: Aah, lookee…it's a gun that will fire when I'm in trouble… ARROW: She screwed up. MING CHAO: Good morning!!! BASKERVILLE: …you're in a good mood this morning, given last night… MING CHAO: Well, I understand how to use the gun! But, Priest, YOU don't look so awake…Did you sleep well? BASKERVILLE: Oh, really? Well, I'd better get ready… MING CHAO: Wait! If you don't have a cup of tea, you can't start a new day! * DOM: Wha…what th'hell happened here? They's all out cold. This ain't thet brat's fault? Wall, now I'm a gonna kill all them townfolk! I'll kill the first person I see when I count 3!! One. Two. TOWNSFOLK: Go, go! Get out of here! DOM: Three. * MING CHAO: Howdy! DOM: Ya li'l… POPS: Ming Chao! Why did you come? Now he'll kill you! MING CHAO: Don't worry! Leave it to me…Go behind the house, I'll be there in five minutes! DOM: Whuuuut??? MING CHAO: I came, just like I promised! So, shall we begin? DOM: Shit… BASKERVILLE: Don't worry, I'll hide here with a shotgun!!! MING CHAO: Oooh…but my gun will be fine… BASKERVILLE: MING CHAO: * DOM: How dare ya skeer off my men? Wall, I saw ya first….an' now I'm gonna kill ya! I won't be happy 'till I do! MING CHAO: You sure? I can take out a guy like you with one shot…let's go, etogun! Get him like last time! What? What? What? What? BASKERVILLE: MING CHAO: GRANDPA: No, I never said anything like that… DOM: Yew funnin'? Ya think y'all kin kill me with thet toy? * MING CHAO: DOM: I'm a gonna count ta three! Then I'm a gonna fire…Wun! Two! Three! MING CHAO: Priest…Priiieeessst!!! DOM: I done thought y'all wuz hidin' up thar! Hot damn, now I kin take ya both out with wun shot! * MING CHAO: Hey Priest, where's God's protection now? DOM: Run, run…ah, they gone in thar… SALOON GIRL: Aaah! Don't come in here! DOM: So here…how y'all doin'? Y'all done runnin'? * MING CHAO: BASKERVILLE: What happened, Ming Chao? Didn't you say you knew how the gun worked? MING CHAO: Well…it should have worked…but I think I forgot something important… DOM: If y'all don't stop runnin' after a bit…I'm a gonna hafta kill all them citizens! MING CHAO: DOM: I'm a gonna count ta three! If y'all'll come outta thar, y'all kin decide who's gonna die first! Wun! Two! * MING CHAO: DOM: So yer gonna die first! Die!!! BASKERVILLE: Ming Chao! MING CHAO: Huh? * BASKERVILLE: Ming…Ming Chao!!! DOM: Yer next, preacher man! Ya done prayin'? BASKERVILLE: Huh? DOM: Wh..whut's thet light? * DOM: A bullet…movin'…laike a snake? But thet's…crazy… MING CHAO: Heh heh heh! I remembered! It needs an animal substance! That shot can be called the Snake Shot, one of the ones from the Chinese zodiac! * BASKERVILLE: Ming Chao, how did you save yourself? MING CHAO: Oh, it was this pot – AAH!! Oh no! NOTE: Dear Townspeople, I'm sorry for any problems that I caused…please use their bounty to rebuild the town. Ming Chao. MING CHAO: Bye bye! CHICKENS: Freeeee! We're freeeee!!! BASKERVILLE: Are you sure about this? * BASKERVILLE: My journey is without rest and very difficult! MING CHAO: No prob! It's not easy to live here, and I don't have anything to hold me…And it'll be good for you to have someone else along too – to make you feel safe, right? BASKERVILLE: Alright then! I shall pray that God go with us on our journey. Ooops… MING CHAO: Everything OK? Did the Bible fall? BASKERVILLE: Eh…ah, no, everything's fine! MING CHAO: Then let's go! CHICKENS: Bon voyage! MING CHAO: * Episode 2 – Tears of the Beasts * MING CHAO: This is the first trip I've ever taken. It's so exciting, don't you think, Priest? BASKERVILLE: A voyage is not something so simple, Ming Chao! MING CHAO: Don't worry, this is the first step towards my dream. No one'd cry for me anyway! BASKERVILLE: Hey! Don't dance on the horse! MING CHAO: Ah! I dropped the etogun… BASKERVILLE: That gun is important for you; it's a memento of your grandfather. You should take better care of it… MING CHAO: Really? * BASKERVILLE: Because of that gun, you were able to triumph over evil some days ago…With that weapon, you need fear nothing! MING CHAO: But it won't even fire without animal substance! Couldn't Grandpa have been a little nicer? BASKERVILLE: Uhu… MING CHAO: What's with you, Priest? BASKERVILLE: Nothing! Nothing at all! Shall we go? MING CHAO: Aaaaarrrgggghhh!!! I can't take it any more! We've been going since this morning and we haven't even seen one town! I've had it! I want to sleep in my own bed! I wanna go home! Waaaah!!! Argh! Argh! BASKERVILLE: I told you, a journey is no easy thing! First of all – MING CHAO: Whew, crying makes me hungry! Shall we hunt? * BASKERVILLE: Amen! Will this do? MING CHAO: Aah…I'm so hungry, I don't want to move! I'll just wait here…The sky is so beautiful! Of course…when I'm a superstar, I won't have time to do this… * BASKERVILLE: Ming Chao? What happened? MING CHAO: Loook…I caught a cow! Now we can have steak! BASKERVILLE: A cow? That doesn't seem likely… MING CHAO: Who cares? It's its own dumb fault if it wandered over here! So, how do you want it? SUBO: Stop! So YOU'RE the cattle thief! This time you won't escape! BASKERVILLE: Thief? MING CHAO: Who the heck are you? Cretin! This cow came here by herself! Can you prove that she's yours? Brat! SUBO: Whose name is on her? Give her back, you thief! BASKERVILLE: Aaaah….calm yourself, and tell me of your troubles! * SUBO: We got a ranch, but a bit ago these guys from town built a bigger one. It's called Franklin Ranch, but those guys're stealin' our cattle! BASKERVILLE: Have you spoken to the Sheriff? SUBO: Yeah, but he don't believe us 'cause we don't got any proof… MING CHAO: Really? Why don't you write your name on her! BASKERVILLE: Aahhh…again with the fighting… MING CHAO & SUBO: I'm gonna kill you! Idiot! I'll show you! SUBO: It's the guys from Franklin Ranch! MR. ICKY: Hey, Subo! Thanks fer findin' our cow! Damn thing's always runnin' off, it's a real problem! Now, give 'er here… SUBO: You wish! This cow's mine!!! * MR. ICKY: Prove it! This here land belongs ta Mr. Franklin…it's fittin' thet one of his cows'd be found on his land! SUBO: Damn it… MING CHAO: Give me a little milk! (evil laugh) BASKERVILLE: But what are you doing? I cannot allow you to steal a cow from a child! MR. BANDANA: This ain't yer affair, Father! MR. MOUSTACHE: Mind yer own bidness or yer gonna git it! MING CHAO: No, YOU are! I don't like that brat, but you guys are even worse! BASKERVILLE: MR. ICKY: Ha ha ha! Yer gonna shoot us with thet toy? Thet's a good 'un! I gotta see this! * MING CHAO: Now see the power of the Ox Bullet! MR. ICKY & CO.: Whut? BASKERVILLE: Go! MING CHAO: Excuse me? What happened? That's odd, I thought it would be stronger! Let's try this again…It's still not working?!? MR. ICKY: Well, ciao, Subo! Guess it's our cow! SUBO: Aaaah! Our cow! * SUBO: Aah…we lost another cow… MING CHAO: Why didn't the ox shot work? BASKERVILLE: Perhaps because you used cow's milk. Cows are very tranquil animals… SUBO: I told ya not to make trouble, but you had to go and shoot at 'em anyway! You good fer nothing'! Go away! BASKERVILLE: Oh my! MING CHAO: (in Chinese)Yummy!!! MOTHER: Oh, it's nothing, you needn't compliment me so… BASKERVILLE: Say, Ming Chao…why don't you slow down? MING CHAO: What? But didn't she say to eat as much as we wanted? * BASKERVILLE: Ahh…then you and Subo live alone on this ranch? MOTHER: Yes, my husband died when Subo was a little bit of a thang! MING CHAO: MOTHER: Franklin has continually stolen our cows! We have very few left…We can't trust the Sheriff! If it goes on like this, we'll have to leave this place! Here, where Subo has so many memories of his father… BASKERVILLE: Do not worry, madame! Tomorrow I will take care of it! MOTHER: Ahh! Thank you, Father, thank you kindly! MING CHAO: Hmm? Where's Subo? MOTHER: I thought he looked tired! So much happened today…he must be in bed. BASKERVILLE: Subo? * MOTHER HELP!! WAKE UP!! Subo…I can't find Subo anywhere! BASKERVILLE Subo? What is going on? MING CHAO Ah! It's them! Franklin's thugs! A message? NOTE My dear madame, last night your son was found attempting to steal our cattle, so I have decided to retain him. If you want him back, bring me the deed to your ranch at noon. -Franklin BASKERVILLE So that's it! Subo went to Franklin's ranch yesterday! MOTHER Ahh…if anything happens to my son….but if I give him the deed, we won't be able to…oh God… * MING CHAO Poor Woman…um…we do owe her for the room and board… BASKERVILLE It's my fault for not stopping Subo…and a woman so lovely shouldn't suffer… MING AND BASKERVILE Leave it to us! BASKERVILLE Madame! MING CHAO But first it's tea time! MOTHER Franklin's ranch is east of here. It's about ten miles off, I think. Please, be careful… MING CHAO Don't you worry! He'll never tough this deed! BASKERVILLE Let's go, Ming Chao! We're off, madame! We're off! MOTHER Ah…please god, protect those three… * MR ICKY Hey boss! We done delivered your letter! FRANKLIN Thanks boys! Soon that ranch'll be mine! I'll have acquired all the ranches in these parts…and I'll have a monopoly on the cattle trade! I am Franklin, boss of all cows! The profits will be mine, all mine! MR ICKY Aaaaaah! B-boss! MR MOUSTACHE Hey, boss! SUBO We'll never give the ranch to someone like you! In a minute Ma'll be here to help me, and you'll act like the big wimp you are! FRANKLIN He hurt my privates…I think that you had better calm down, son, or you're gonna have to sleep…for now, I'll pardon you! Soon your ma'll bring me the documents and then I'll have you both. (maniacal laughter) * MING CHAO Did you hear that? BASKERVILLE Yes I did! Subo is still alive, but they plan to kill he and his mother both! MING CHAO He said there were about ten thugs! How can we save them? BASKERVILLE What do you say to using a serpent shot, like last time? MING CHAO Ok, since it seems like my only decent shots are snakes and bunnies… BASKERVILLE How lucky, a serpents nest…Waaaaah! BOTH Eeeee! Aaaa! Damnit!! FRANKLIN What the hell's that fracas? SUBO Those voice… GOONS Who the hell're y'all? MING AND/OR BASKE Dammnit…they found us! MR ICKY Them's the ones what was wit Subo yisterdy! FRANKLIN Kill 'em if you have to, but don't let 'em get away! MING AND BASKE Aahhh!! * MR ICKY They done gone in that thar barn! Hunt 'em down, find 'em! BUTT MAN Uargh!!!! SHREDDED MEN Run awaaaaay!!! MING CHAO They'll sort it all out soon! We have to hide! MR ICKY Whut fools! Ya cain't git out thataway! MING CHAO Aiya… * MR ICKY Y'all cain't run no more! Give it up! We lost 'nuff taime! F----ing die! MING CHAO Pri- BASKERVILLE Ming Chao! MR ICKY Wall ain't that a shame…ya done tried ta save 'er an' all…but ain't nobody kin survive that drop! Let 'er go, Priest man! * MING CHAO Ow! Good Lord, I'm still alive…what should I do? It's already lunch time…the priest must have been captured…how can I save him? Oy vay…even the deed is wet…Idea! What if I make a fish shot with this? It'll be fast like a fish and over in an instant! And now let's eat! FRANKLIN It's late! It's almost noon and we still haven't seen hide nor hair of your ma! MR ICKY Don't fret, she'll come, seein' as we got us sum more hostages…. * BASKERVILLE There're four counting the boss. If I wasn't hanging like this, I'd- SUBO I'm sorry, Reverend! This's all my fault! BASKERVILLE Do not worry! I am certain that Ming Chao will save us! BANDANA MAN They's mighty annoyin'… GUN GUY Kin I 'least shoot the preacher man, Boss? FRANKLIN Why, yes, what a good idea! Go ahead! MING CHAO Stop right there!!! I've got the deed! BASKERVILLE Ming Chao! SUBO You bastard, what'd ya bring it fer? If'n he takes it, our ranch's done fer! MING CHAO Chill ouuuuut! I'll handle it! BASKERVILLE The etogun…she must have found an animal substance! * MR ICKY Y'all ain't aimin' ta shoot that toy agin, are ya? MR MOUSTACHE When I think 'bout whut cane outta thar! Whutta fool! MING CHAO Jerks… BASKERVILLE Fish…no… MING CHAO Taste the fist shot, thanks to their substance! I think…why doesn't it ever shoot? That should've been a magnificent shot! BASKERVILLE Min Chao…there are no fish in the Chinese Zodiac! MING CHAO Are you serious? Ah…(moans) SUBO Whutta good fer nothin'! Ya talk lots and ya don't do nothin', ya ugly thing! MING CHAO Like you look so hot! You're just an unpleasant little twerp… * SUBO No that he has the deed…our ranch is his by yer hand. MING CHAO Subo…. FRANKLIN Well, seeing as I have the deed, I don't really need you all anymore! MR MOUSTACHE Wut if we send Subo's ma his daid body fer starters? FRANKLIN Wow! That could be neat! SUBO Aahhhh!!! MING CHAO Wait! If you have to kill someone, start with me!!!! What's with this? What are you planning to do to me? FRANKLIN If I have to kill you, I at least want to have fun while doing it…you'll be taken out by our amazing bovines! BASKERVILLE God will not permit you to do this! Stop at once! SUBO Ming Chao! * MING CHAO Don't worry! Bovine just means calm old cows, right? I'm sure I'll be able to avoid them! I have to protect their ranch, for Subo and his mother! I have GOT to find a solution to this soon as possible… MR ICKY Should we ur left 'er wit the gun? FRANKLIN It's just a toy, what's it matter? And now, let the show begin! Enter our amazing bulls! Come on! MING CHAO B-bulls?!? Aiyaaaaa! Waaaaayargh!!! * FRANKLIN Die! MING CHAO They're gonna kill me! Help!!! B and S Ming Chao! MING CHAO Argh! Aiya!!! Yaaah! FRANKLIN Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! This is more fun than a town carnival! MING CHAO If this keeps up, I'll die… BULL A Aaaah…poor kid. BULL B Amen, sister BULL C He just loves to molest children… MING CHAO It's…huge! If he spears me with that horn, I'll be in Pleaver lickity-split! * FRANKLIN Grand Finale! BASKERVILLE Mi- SUBO Ming Chao! FRANKLIN Wow! Talk about excitement! BASKERVILLE She's not dead yet! He only cut the rope! * MING CHAO Oof! Aah…it barely missed, he grazed me! FRANKLIN Shit! That kid's lucky! I've had enough! Shoot her! MING CHAO Tsk! Now that my arms and legs are free, I can prepare a shot with this bull! HOLSTER Gone MING CHAO Where's the etogun!?! BASKERVILLE Ming Chao! The etogun fell over there! MING CHAO Kyaaa! It's in the poop?!? MR ICKY Take this! * MING CHAO Ah! SUBO Ming Chao! MING CHAO Now I'm really pissed! It stinks!!! Now I'll show you! FRANKLIN You're finished! MING CHAO Take this! * FRANKLIN What the- SUBO All right! She beat Franklin! MING CHAO Someone help me! * BASKERVILLE I didn't make a very good warrior of justice… SUBO Ming Chao! Are you ok? Ming Chao? BASKERVILLE All's well that ends well! Let's leave them there to reflect upon their sins for a bit… FRANKLIN I surrender! MOTHER We have our cows once again. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts! BASKERVILLE It is we who must thank you for the room and board… MOTHER Now that Franklin will never bother us again!~ MING CHAO Don't worry! From now on, no one'll steal your cows! Bye Subo! Good bye ma'am! COW MARKS Ming Chao MING CHAO Heh heh heh! When I'm famous, will they be worth more? BASKERVILLE I do believe you have the wrong idea…. * EPISODE THREE- ACE IN THE HOLE * MING CHAO Hey, Preist! Aren't you hungry? BASKERVILLE Let's seem according to the map, there should be a town coming up…just be patient a bit longer, Ming Chao. Look, there are lots of horse droppings…where many people have been, a city can't be far off. MING CHAO Oh good! I'm tired of riding and sleeping outside. I'm going to be a superstar in Hollywood! I'd better start taking care of myself now, or it'll be really hard to get in…excuse me, Priest! I have to go take care of something. Take care of the etogun for me… BASKERVILLE The etogun! * BASKERVILLE This is a gun that will shoot a bullet that moves like the animal with whose substance it is touched! There can be no doubt about it! This is the strongest gun in the West! Now I must find an animal substance, and then I can…last time Ming Chao made a bull shot with bull poop….so if we use this horse poop….Horse Shot! Why didn't it shoot? Does this mean that only Ming Chao can use it? MING CHAO What did you do to my gun!?! BASKERVILLE F-forgive me, Ming Chao! MING CHAO Don't make me have to punish you for this… BASKERVILLE I-I'll clean it right away!… * MING CHAO What a big city! BASKERVILLE The sun will set soon, we had best find a hotel. The first floor of this one is a casino! MING CHAO What's a casino? BASKERVILLE A place where you play with money. But it seems that this one has dancers too… TRULY SCARY MAN All aces!!! Ah win again! * TRULY SCARY MAN Gwahahahaha!!! Sorry, but this's my taynth victory! Ah'm a gonna take alla yer money! JOWLEY MAN Shit…all aces agan? This's the third taime, which seems a li'l fishy to me. TRULY SCARY MAN Aah? Ya dare ta 'cuse me a cheatin', me, Mr. Kaufmann? JOWLY MAN Eeee! MING CHAO Aiya, what a stupid drunk! KAUFMAN Gimme the money! JOWLEY MAN But that's my daughter's school fee… ANNOUNCER And now, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for, our stunning show! Thank you for your patience! KAUFMANN Oh, finally! * CROWD Bodony! Bodony! Bodony! Bodony! Bodony! BASKERVILLE Lovely…I can understand why she's so popular! !?! What is it, Ming Chao? MING CHAO What wonderful clothes! It'd be great if I had one! I have to get to Hollywood, so I can buy myself an evening gown at least… GUYS Aah! Go! * KAUFMANN 'nuff! Stop thet thar horrible spetakle! Bodony, ya don't gotta sell yer body ta these gen'lmen! I gots money, so let's go git a drink somewhar… BODONY Stop it, Kaufmann! Ah tol' ya not ta disturb me when Ah'm workin'! KAUFMANN Don' be s'cold! Ah'm crazy 'bout yuh…why don't ya laike me? BODONY Hmph! Surely ya've looked in the mirror! Yer disgustin', ya worm! KAUFMANN Worm? Yoo bitch! How dare ya? MING CHAO Damn! What would you have done if you'd ripped these gorgeous clothes? KAUFMANN Who th' hell're yoo, kid? How dare ya… * BASKERVILEE Calm down, Mr. Kaufmann…one should never raise a hand against women and children! Perhaps you're a bit too proud, hmm? I understand that you're quite good at poker…might you play a hand with me? If I win, you leave quietly! Bit if you win, I'll give you all our money! MING CHAO Hey! If you lose, how are we going to pay?! I'm supposed to sleep outside, am I? KAUFMANN Innerestin'! Iffin Ah win, Ah'll leave yuh in yer undies! Cards! * MING CHAO Prieeeeest! BASKERVILLE Don't worry, God will surely help me! KAUFMANN We'll just play one hand. Ah'm exchangin' a card! BODONY That cardsharp Kaufmann just changed a card 'cause he's got four aces in his pocket! What kin the pastor be thinkin'? He don't got a chance of winnn'! KAUFMANN Four aces!!! * MING CHAO Ah! Those guys are all excited! So that means that he made a good move and the priest lost! NAKAZAKI Doesn't know how to play poker… KAUFMANN Thar ain't no aces in the cards Ah dealt, Ah've got 'em all! He cain't do nothin' higher, so it's perfect! BASKERVILLE You're in a hurry, I haven't even played…I'll exchange one too! Let's see… KAUFMANN So y'all gonna play'r jest move yer cards? Ya sure yuh got a good 'un? Ya cain't hide from the truth! BASKERVILLE Sorry for the interruption, but are these your cards? KAUFMANN Yes, Ah brung 'em! BASKERVILLE Oh, how interesting! This is the first time I've ever seen a deck with two aces of diamonds! * ONLOOKERS Wow! Ascending four! HECATE I think this means he's got a jack, queen, king, ace of the same suit KAUFMANN Wh…whut!?! ONLOOKERS He's a chardsharp! Ah knew he wuz a cheater! BODONY Ya lost, so git! KAUFMANN Wait! This ain't…no, I ain't the cardsharp…It wuz him! Look at him! Shit! He;s gonna pay fer this! MING CHAO Good job, priest! You won! BASKERVILLE I was just lucky… BODONY Ya got an interestin' game, pastor! Ya switched the cards with an ahrm brace! Fact is, Ah'm surprised Kaufmann wuz fooled…Ok, Ah'll buy y'all dinner in thanks. Mah treat! HAT MAN Aaaah…Bodony, yer goin'???? BASKERVILLE Does this mean she saw me? MING CHAO Dinner…dinner… BASKERVILLE She's no ordinary dancer! * MING CHAO Bon appetit! BASKERVILLE Are you sure that you want to do this? BODONY Don' worry none, Ah want ta thank y'all! Not ta mention thet yer an interestin' feller… MING CHAO Say, how much did you pay for those clothes? Where did you get them? They're beautiful! BODONY This? 'Bout a thousand dollars…. MING CHAO A th…thousand dollars? Pr-priest… BASKERVILLE Do you think that a traveler would have that much cash? BODONY Oh, yer a traveler…ya must have lots of troubles… MING CHAO Don't worry, I have this! It's called the Etogun! It's the strongest gun there is, 100 times more than… BASKERVILLE Waaah! Bal bal bal BLA! Yuuuuh! Wip! Wop! Heeee!!!!! No no, it's nothing…she's always saying things like that… MING CHAO What are you babbling about! BODONY A cheatin' pastor and a powerful gun… MING CHAO Rotton Priest! BASKERVILLE N-no!!! MING CHAO The gun's more important to you than me! BODONY Interestin… BASKERVILLE Nooo!! It's just better not to… * MING CHAO If I could win some games…if I won enough, I could buy clothes! I'm sorry, preist! I need some cash… GOATEE Three uva kaind! Ah win again! Gwa gwa gwa!!! Hey, ain't thar nobody in this here place who kin beat me? You crazy, girl? MING CHAO Do I have enough money to play? * MING CHAO I don't really know how to play poker…maybe it goes like this…Lon! Ryuisso! (Mah Jong terms) GOATEE Great day in the mornin'! Ya ain't s'bad, Ah lost…but Ah'll win the next hand girly-girl! MING CHAO Hmm, hmm! Must be this…Kan! Hey this is easy! I'm a natural! GOATEE Girl, yer awful good! Ah'm niver gonna win this a way! MING CHAO So shall we up the stakes? GOATEE Full! MING CHAO Well, ok. Losing is part of the game, after all. Let's go! * GOATEE Three uva kaind! Run! Poker! MING CHAO How did he get so good all of a sudden? It's like he's cheating….he's cheating! Let them win at first then get them, that's his game! GOATEE Wall, yer all outta cash, girl! Yuh done? MING CHAO No! Not yet! This is a beautiful pot made by my grandpa! I'll play this! CHINESE Spirit of Grandfather GOATEE Junk! Don'tcha got sumpthin else MING CHAO Um, um! Well…well I'll play this! This is the gun that beat three outlaws, the Viper Brothers! Not only that, it can get three people with one shot! It's really strong! * GOATEE Ooh! That's the legendary gun what kilt the Viper Bruthers with a single shot, kilt all the innercent folks, and burned the whole town ta a crisp! Ah finally found it! MING CHAO What? Huh? Aren't you exaggerating? GOATEE Ah accept! Thet gun'll be maihne! BOTH Cards! MING CHAO I lost… GOATEE Ah finally got mah hands on the legendary gun! Let's see whut she does! Whut the hell? It don't shoot! Tain't nuthin' but a toy! Yuh done tricked me, girly girl! MING CHAO Not true… GOATEE Wall now that Ah got it, Ah may's well use it! Ah found it, not it cain make me some money! It'll be easy with elo-quence! Hey, young'un! Wanna win this here pistol? * GOATEE It's a mythologic pistol thet destroyed an entire secret oriental organization whut had taken over Asia in wun blow! Hunred bucks fer the chance! YOUNG'UN Ya got it! GOATEE Yer gonna loste, young'un…with mah cardsharpin' skeels, yer gonna leave here in yer undies! Ah lost…Ah…lost! He cheated! YOUNG'UN This here's a legendary pistol! With wun shot, Napoleon took over alla Europe! It's an incredible gun! NAKAZAKI What the hell's he talking about? MING CHAO Ah! Ahh! Now they're passing the Etogun from person to person! Please, give that gun back to me… SCAR EYE Whut? Ya wanna play? Then gimme 500 bucks! MING CHAO Meanie! Ow… BODONY Fihve hundred to play, rhaight? MING CHAO Ah… * BASKERVILLE Goodness it's noisy down there! Ming Chao? DUDE It's finished! SCAR FACE She's strong, but she ain't no cheat…she's a real professional! DUDE And the winner is…Bodony! BODONY So this here powerful pistol is maihne…mmm, cute… BASKERVILLE The etogun? Bodony has the etogun? What happened? MING CHAO Priiiiieeeest…. BASKERVILLE Hey! Ming Chao! * MING CHAO The poker money, and then the clothes, and then the etogun…get them baaaaack! BASKERVILLE I…it's not very clear, but I understand! DUDE Will no one else try? No one else is confident enough to try for this legendary gun- BASKERVILLE Hey, wait! I'll try! CROWD That's th' priest whut beat Kaufmann yisterdy! This'll be good! BASKERVILLE So she's a top-notch player! Earlier she figured out what I was doing… BODONY Solitary priests don't do many circuits these days, hmm? Ah know yoo must be good! But the gun Cleopatra used ta kill herself don't belong ta no one but me. BASKERVILLE What's she talking about? Cleopatra? MING CHAO Well…I'm not sure…you know how people exaggerate… DUDE So let the game begin! MING CHAO Hang in there, priest… BODONY Ah hates a cheat! If he trys that with me, Ah'll tell everyone 'bout the device on his arm! BASKERVILLE She wants to play an honest game…ok… * DUDE So the challenge fee is 1,000$. Y'all have it, right?> MING CHAO Ah! Um! Uh! BASKERVILLE We unfortunately do not have so great a sum, therefore we absolutely must take back that gun! So for this round… BODONY For this round? BASKERVILLE I'll bet my life! MING CHAO P…priest?!? BODONY Yer life? What a powerful line! BASKERVILLE If you win this round, you can decide whether you'll kill me or keep me as your servant for the rest of my life! I believe that my life is worth 1,000 $ BODONY interestin'…Ah accept! * DUDE Cards! Y'all can change once! Preacher goes first! BASKERVILLE Oh! What luck! Jack, queen, and king of spades! Now all I need is a ten and an ace…if only this is an ace of spades… * BASKERVILLE No…ok, that's fine! A run would just be asking too much! Even for Bodony… BODONY Magnificent! What a beautiful hand! If only Ah had an ace of diamonds…no…that's fine…it'd be too much! Seems laike Lady Luck's with me tonight, but what a high price! DUDE Y'all go on and change! How many cards? B and B One! CROWD Only wun card! Whoever picks the raight wun wins! Who'll do it? * BASKERVILLE So it's my turn…be an ace of spades…But- KAUFMANN Wahahaha!!!! * MING CHAO That's the drunk from last night! KAUFMANN Yuh bastard uva priest! Ah still gotta thank yew fer embarressin' me! Bodony! So yew two're in this t'gether! Bastards! Yer daid! BASKERVILLE Ming Chao! Come on! BODONY Let's go, Fanny! MING CHAO Priest, are you ok? BASKERVILLE I'm fine, but you've got to get the etogun! MING CHAO Ah? But where'd it go? * BASKERVILLE Bodony! Throw me the gun, quick! BODONY No! This is mahine! The poker game ain't done yet! KAUFMANN Whut're yoo talkin' 'bout? Ah'll finish this here match up raight quick! NAKAZAKI Preliminary sketches…(Hecate: I'm glad he didn't use them…) * EPISODE 4-The Drunk and the Dancer BODONY Kaufmann? KAUFMANN Bodony! So yer this basterd's accomplice! Shit! Kick his ass! * BODONY This way! Hurry! MING CHAO Bodony! Give me back the gun! BASKERVILLE Come on, hurry! BODONY No! It's mahine! The game ain't over yet! MING CHAO Ahh! If only I had the etogun, I could show her! KAUFMANN Bodony, git over here! If ya come with me, Ah'll remarry yuh! BODONY No! Ah'll niver come back to yew! KAUFMANN Thet so? Wall then… BASKERVILLE We have to do something quickly or- MING CHAO But we don't have the etogun! BODONY Ack! * BODONY and MING Ahh! My gun! BODONY Good girl, Fanny! BASKERVILLE Tsk! KAUFMANN Hey thar, li'l puppy! Ya gonna give me thet thar gun? BODONY Noo! Let Fanny be! BASKERVILLE Don't touch that gun! KAUFMANN So that's how it is! These thangs is important fer y'all…watch 'em die! * BODONY Fanny- MING CHAO Oh- FANNY Yipe! KAUFMANN Whut in…thet pastor done protected a puppydawg… BODONY Reverend! MING CHAO Preist! Fool! You sacrificed yourself for Bodony's dog… BASKERVILLE I said that I'd bet my life… BODONY Are yew alreight? How d'ya feel? BASKERVILLE (scream of pain) BODONY What is it? BASKERVILLE (weak scream of pain) * KAUFMANN Hey, Preacher! Looky-here! MING CHAO Preist, h-h-h-help meeee!!!! BASKERVILLE Ming Chao? BODONY Kaufmann! What do yew plan ta do with her? KAUFMANN If y'all want her ta live…1000$! Bring it ta mah door tamarrow! And ya better come alone, Bodony! MING CHAO Priiiieest… BASKERVILLE Ming Chao… KAUFMANN You git it? Alone, Bodony! BASKERVILLE Ming Cha- BODONY Reverend? Hey, priest, hang in there! Hey— * BODONY At first Ah thought he was only foolin'… BASKERVILLE I'll bet my life! BODONY …but it looks laike he weren't! KAUFMANN What in….thet pastor done protected a puppydawg… BASKERVILLE Bodony…why do you…hate Kaufmann so much? BODONY We lived together until last year…he was a good man and a hard-worker! Then wan day he lost everything to a cheater, and since then he's been a drinker and a troublemaker too… * BODONY If only he'd stop drinkn', maybe… BASKERVILLE So that's why she hates cheaters so much! BODONY Speakin' of thet, when yew played with me, ya played honest! What'd yew have in yer hand? BASKERVILLE If I'd drawn the ace of spades I'd have had a royal flush… BODONY Ah, the ace of spades! The ace- BASKERVILLE Bodony? BODONY Ah'll handle the thousand dollars fer tomorrow, yew git some rest! BASKERVILLE Bodony? But you- BODONY Don't yew stop me, Ah'm prepared to do this myself! You kin go tomorrow! Ah don't want to go to the home of someone laike that! BASKERVILLE I am in your debt…thank you, Bodony! * BODONY He had the same look as before! He didn't lie…his card was an ace of spades! But what if Ah'd pulled the ace of diamons? He's already payed! Now it's mah turn! BASKERVILLE It's not as bad as I thought…I think I'll be able to move tomorrow morning! Try to resist! I'm coming, Ming Chao! BODONY Hiiya! BASKERVILLE Bodony! And she has the etogun! Don't tell me that she's going to Kaufmann's alone?!? I won't allow it! I must get up! But that was Ming Chao's horse… * NARRATOR On the flower-strewn hill…there is a white house…in the room where there is so much liquor…there's also a mountain of Bodony gadget and pictures! MING CHAO So much It's laughable! Such a bit fat man living in a girly house! KAURMANN This here girly's a happy drunk…Ah hope she drinks herself under the table. MING CHAO Here, you drink a little more too! KAUFMANN Yew sure are somethin'… MING CHAO Whosh Shomethin'? KAUFMANN Waaaah! * KAUFMANN Hey, didya hear me? Hic! Ah luv Bodony loooootsh, but she don't unernernershtand me… MING CHAO Aaaah…I get it, I get it…yer sho faithful…sho sho much that I'd fall in love wi' you…hic! Really, Bodony'sh got no tashte! Kaufmann, yer sho perfect…hic! I can't believe…hic! KAUFMANN Yer sho naish (nice)! MING CHAO Heh! Heh…hic! C'mon, don't let'sh fink about it an' drink! The night ish young… BODONY Whut the hell're they doin'? Ah was worryin' fer nothin'! Since it's goin' that way, Kaufamann should be asleep soon… MING CHAO What'sh up? Already ashleep, how annoying…eh? BODONY Quiet. * BODONY Ah came ta save yoo! Let's go afore he wakes up… MING CHAO Who're you? BODONY Don't yew recognize me? Ah'm Bodony! MING CHAO Who's that? AH! BODONY!!! KAUFFMANN Whut? Whut? Bodony?!? Oooohhhh….you've really come back! Ah love yoo, Bodony! Run into mah arms! BODONY Yer wrong! MING CHAO Noo..you're sho beauuutefuuuul… KAUFMANN Don' go, mah luv! This is our nest! * MING CHAO Hiiiiie! BODONY Stay away! MING CHAO How beautiful…love over comesh all obstaclesh… BODONY Ah am not in love with that man! MING CHAO Acshully…he shaid I wash (was) shumthin'…do you like shumthin', really? We're alike…hic! BODONY Yew and Ah will niver agree! Ack! A daid end?!? Kaufmann! KAUFMANN Mwahaha! Yer niver gonna git away, Bodony! Stop! MING CHAO Wahoo! Go for it! Bravoo! Hic! BODONY Geh…stop it! Let me go! MING CHAO Invite me to th' weddin'…wan' me t'get th'priesht? * KAUFMANN Ah luv yes, Bod BODONY Go! KAUFMANN Damnit, we're on the second floor! BODONY Ah'll niver go ta bed with a drunk! Ah! Waaah! * BODONY Oy Vay! Are yew ok? MING CHAO I'm fine! Lookit all the lightsh! Neatooo…. BODONY Damn! Kaufmann's commin'! We've got to haide somewhere! MING CHAO Wow! What a big armoire! KAUFMANN Bodony! Wh=whar are ya hidin'? Come out! How'm Ah gonna fainde her in the dark? BASKERVILLE Ming Chao! Bodony!!! Where are you??? There isn't any light…where is Kaufmann's house? * KAUFMANN Hidin' is useless! Come out! BODONY What're we goin' to do? Sooner or later he'll fainde us… MING CHAO The etogun! KAUFMANN Ah…in there? No, it's jest a talkin' armoire… BODONY Hey! Don't ever stick your hands in mah clothes laike thet again! We don't want to be found! MING CHAO This bump in back is the etogun, right? If I don't get it back, Grandpa will be mad! What a nice body… BODONY No, Stop it! Ah'm ticklish… * KAUFFMANN Ah dunno whar yer hidin'…awn'tcha gonna come out? Thet so? Ok! If yuh have me thet much…then Ah'll kill yoo an' then myself… BODONY Quit it! If this keeps up we'll be killed! MING CHAO Oh, here's my etogun! I didn't think Bodony was so furry… * KAUFMANN So thet's whar ya are! Ah finally found yoo Bodony….huh? Whar's the kid? Ain't she hidin' with yoo? BODONY Oh? Ah don't know, Ah'm sure… NAKAZAKI Here she is! MING CHAO How dare you…dumb dog! FANNY Yiiipe! Yiiiipe! BODONY Ack…stop moving! * MING CHAO Aiya! Huh? How'd the etogun get here? All good, I'll shoot Kaufmann using this dumb dog's fur! FANNY Yipe! Yipe! MING CHAO 'Cause Kaufmann would never shoot his beloved Bodondy… KAUFMANN So yer playin' at hidin' thar, eh? BODONY Is she…daid? * NAKAZAKI The bullet missed her… MING CHAO He really shot! I have to shoot him with the dog as soon as I can…huh? FANNY Yipe! (enough!) KAUFMANN It wuz only the dawg unner yer skirt? Don't do anythin', Ah only want yoo. Stay calm, Ah'll follow raight after ya… MING CHAO Damn…now what do I do? The dog ran away… and now the etogun can't shoot! KAUFMANN We'll be together fer eternity! MING CHAO He's going to kill Bodony!!! BODONY Eee… MING CHAO Ah… KAUFMANN Heh heh heh!!! The next shot'll finish ya! Ya'll be mahine feriver… * MING CHAO Oy! I got hit by her behind! All I can see are her tiger underpants, and they're going to suffocate me…tiger…? KAUFMANN Farewell, Bodony! Ah luv ya! BODONY Aahhh! MING CHAO Got it! BODONY What the- KAUFMANN Whut- MING CHAO Tiger fur! * MING CHAO Go, tiger shot! KAUFMANN Hel- * BASKERVILLE That's the light of the etogun! Ming Chao is alive! MING CHAO Heh heh heh! I randomly decided to use the gun with the tiger underpants! How smart am I?! BODONY What…what…what…what were you thinking?!?! Will you tell me what's goin' on? Ah! The shot! How's Kaufmann? BASKERVILLE Ming Chao! Bodony! Are you all right? Ming Chao? What happened? BODONY Who the hell knows! Ah'm the only one awake…y'all kin have this gun back! Ah don't see what good it is! BASKERVILLE Huh? BODONY Ah won't keep it! Thet poker game wasn't valid after all, only the first one finished! So even Ah said you could be first! BASKERVILLE What does this mean? Ming Chao is out, so…Bodony shot the gun?!? What exactly happened???? Huh? Huh? BODONY Ah'm not tellin' you nothin'! MING CHAO mmmm…it's a beautiful day and I have the etogun again! It's a happy ending! It's good that your wounds weren't too bad! BASKERVILLE I'll say! Now we can keep on with our voyage! MING CHAO Huh? We're leaving, but Bodony didn't come to say good- bye… BASKERVILLE She must have things to do… MING CHAO I know what happened until I passed out! I wanted to ask… BENKAYTE Bodony…Bodony is with Kaufmann at his house… * MING CHAO Grammy, you know them? BENKAYTE I know everything! They say that Kaufmann was hit in the gut by a strange bullet, and now he can't eat at all! Alcohol is out of the question! Of course, when he's not drinking, Kaufmann is a good man…don't you think that they were made for each other? MING CHAO Well, his love is sincere. Excuse me, Priest! I forgot something in the hotel…take care of the etogun! BASKERVILLE Even with an animal substance, I can't shoot the etogun! Bit it seems as though Bodony managed…does that mean it only works for a woman? BENKAYTE Ah…so that's the famous etogun! It's been a long time, Baskerville! Don't tell me that you've forgotten me? End of vol. 1 To be continued… Poker term I don't know-this is the literal translation