"So you see class," growled Mr. Snidely. Mr. Snidely was the Hi-Skool teacher, a very unlucky one at that. You see, he had wanted to be a klown, but his parents sent him off to be a teacher. "If you are sent to jail, you will never be the same. All hope for your 'future' (snicker) will be GONE. Just GONE." Most of the class sat at their desks in slumber. No one cared about jail, not one person. I mean, let's face it, no one thinks its gonna happen to THEM. Oh, but we know 50% of them are goin' to jail, 40% are headed for the Crazy House and 1% will be "normal". Whatever that is.
"Class," said Mr. Snidely with a sneer, "We will be having a new, horrible transfer student joining this class. She is from the horrible state known as North Carolina and her name is Lindsay. She should have been here a while ago. (Not that any of YOU Juvenile delinquents CARE)."
Mr. Snidely looked at his sleeping class with pure hatred and walked to the door. Upon opening it, a girl wearing headphones feel to the floor. "Oi," she muttered, "that hurt." Mr. Snidely looked at her with distaste. "Are you Lindsay Moose?" he asked with a small hiss. Lindsay stood up and brushed herself off.
"Name's Moose, not Lindsay. BUT, you may not call me that UNLESS you have permission! Yea, anyhoo, you must be Mr. Snidely...?" Mr. Snidely nodded mutely and replied in a dead voice, "I've notified the class about you, take the empty desk next to Dre." Moose looked around the room and saw the desk. In five seconds she was sitting there as if she had been there forever. She put her headphones back on and the sounds of fast-paced Techno came on.
"Lindsay, we do not permit the usage of CD players here." Moose stared at her, eyes huge. "No, uh huh. What I'm I to do with out my CD player? I'll lose my SANITY! What little is actually LEFT!!!!"
"Hasn't she already?" whispered Billy. Yea, there's ALWAYS at least one in the classroom.
"You little jerk!" yelled Moose, eyes flashing dangerously. That special way us women-folk know that sends a man's blood cold. "I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll knock you to Pluto and back! If you EVER say something like that to me again I-"she was cut off, for Mr. Snidely had come up behind her and said in a steely voice:
"I don't want you fighting in my class. Do it outside." Moose opened her mouth to reply but Mr. Snidely cut her off again. "Get to your seat and shut up. NOW." Lindsay was let go of and she walked back to her desk.
An hour rolled by before Lindsay dared speak. The reason she had not spoken was, well, Billy had to be taught a lesson... Anyway, Mr. Snidely was talking (or lecturing) about how the pyramids were built and how aliens must've helped them. Ari looked around at her classmates, all of whom were asleep. There was one person who was staring straight ahead as if amazed by the lecture. 'Wait, no. She's just zoned.' realized Moose. Back in the "real world", Mr. Snidely had just reached the part about how aliens helped the Egyptians, when Moose raised her hand.
"What is now, LIND-SAY?" asked Mr. Snidely, injecting as much poison into that sentence it would’ve killed a whale. Not that we want to. Whales are cool!
"Aliens did not help the Egyptians, MR. SNI-DEL-IE. Farmers, slaves and anyone else available were put to work on the pyramids. Also, an event of aliens helping the Egyptians would have been recorded in hieroglyphics."
Mr. Snidely raised an eyebrow.
"Well, Ms. Smarty Pants. For your RUDE interruption, go to the corner and stand on one foot and think about what you've done." Lindsay looked flabbergasted. "WHAT?! Excuse me! I was stating pure fact and reason! Not some made up crud about aliens!" Ms. Snidely gave her the Look AND growled. Man, two-for-one deal! Lindsay got up and walked to the corner and stood on one foot until lunchtime. For the first five minutes she remembered what her friend had told her before she left: Don't make waves, Moose. You'll only get killed on your first day.
The bell for lunch rang and Moose was allowed to move again. She walked to her bag and pulled out a sack lunch, muttering the whole time and shooting looks at Mr. Snidely; who was asleep. Yes, I know that there are different periods in Hi-Skool, but Lindsay was kept there. Okay? See my reason!? Good. Anyway, Lindsay headed toward the cafeteria and walked in. Most of the tables were taken, all except for that one at the back full of the Jhonen Vasquez lovers. Most people had stopped talking and were watching her.
"What a freak," said one girl.
"Look who's talking! You have, how many? Three earrings per ear? On some people, it looks cool! It just makes you already big head swell 5 times bigger!" snapped Lindsay, voice rising slightly each time she spoke, "Oh my GOD! Personally, I don't know WHY I'm even talking to you! A piece of cheese has a higher I.Q. then you!" The second girl turned crimson. "NO one talks to me like that!" Lindsay looked at her and silently apologized to her friend about making waves.
"I believe I just did."
That afternoon, Lindsay was still in trouble and had to stand on one foot in the corner. The day rolled by quickly and soon the bell for Hi-Skools end sounded. The class had evacuated, all except for the Moose-y one.
"LIND-SAY!" yelled Mr. Snidely in her ear. "Leave! Hi-Skools ended!" Moose flinched and rubbed a now throbbing left ear. "Dang. You woke me up from my sleep. But I'll leave now. (Thank you, God.) Good bye, MR. SNI-DEL-IE." With a silent vow to call him that from now on, she walked to her desk and grabbed her stuff; then walked off to home. As she walked along the deserted street, she noted two boys fighting. One had a huge head and spiky black hair and giant glasses. The other had-DEAR LORD! He had green skin and a... Pompadour? Was that even how you spelled it?!
"Give up, ZIM! It's over, you and your alien race will never survive!" screamed the black-haired boy. Lindsay quickened her pace, the word 'alien' had registered on her Paranormal Register. Time to investigate. ZIM, this green-skinned boy, was bruised, bloody and beaten. He screamed back at the other boy in a voice that cracked slightly "Shut up, DIB! I am no alien! And if I was (which I'm not!) why would I want to invade this pathetic idiotic race?"
This Dib boy had a black eye and a fat lip, it looked like ZIM hadn't done much of the fighting. As Lindsay walked up to separate the two, ZIM ran off. With a sigh and wonder in her mind, she followed. Time to figure out this "Alien Boy".
He reached a weird bright blue house and went running in. The door swung open for him and a woman who looked nothing like ZIM stood there. "Martha Stewart is a whore!" she said as he ran in. Lindsay, who was catching her breath outside the fence, stood up and stared at the woman with disgust. If she was ZIM's mother, why would she say things like that? Mommies did not say that! They do not utter the word "whore" around their children! ZIM shook his head and the door closed. Now, Lindsay walked up to the window. She was a lucky Moose that day; someone (or robot) had "accidentally" disabled the gnome field. So she was not ripped to bits by lasers but was still nice and whole. ZIM wasn't there so after an hour, Lindsay left. She would figure this out later.
The next day, she came back. This time, however, she had a probe with her. Lindsay sat down on the cold cement with her laptop and probe and typed in the code to let this baby FLY!
"Acceth denied!" chirped the computer. Lindsay stared at it in shock; her computer did not have a lisp! She typed furiously for a minute. "Computer, you have a lisp!" she said as she typed.
"Yeth, I know. That problem hath been taken into conthideration and will be fithed thoon. Thorry for the inconvinienth, Lindthay."
Type, type: "Could you send out the probe?" The laptop, who will now be known as Alfred, started playing music.
"No, no. Alfred, I SAID to send out the probe! Do you know what I mean?"
"YETH!"
"You don't really, do you?"
"No, I do! Thee? Here I go!" Alfred said and the probe flew away from the Probe-Containment thing and attached itself to the door.
Lindsay smiled, closed Alfred and went home to watch from her OTHER computer that will be known Eddie Murphy. Please don't ask WHY, we don't ask WHY. We ask WHI. Ask that.
Lindsay spent her days watching. AT one point, the door opened and she sent the probe in. Further and further in it went, down to the very bowels of the freak house. And the transmissions were getting more and more intriguing...
ZIM was minding his own business when Gir came running in. ZIM sat up in his spiny chair, the kind they have at my dad's work. The BIG ones, that spin. And make you hurl if you spin too much. The one I am sitting on right now. Gir came running in with his hand in his head.
"MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR!!! I GOT SOMETHING FOR YA!" screamed Gir. ZIM was expecting a cupcake or a pig or SOMETHING and was ready to accept them. A cupcake might be nice, he was hungry... "Yes, what is it NOW, Gir?"
"I GOT SOMETHING FOR YA!"
"Yes, yes, that's wonderful. Now, please show me-"
"SAYYYY PLEASE!"
"Fine, PLEASE give me whatever is in your hand."
"OKEEE-DOKEY!" squealed Gir and dumped the probe into his hand. ZIM screamed a death scream and if he had been human, would've also said "O. MY. GOD" and fainted. But, as he is Irken, he simply fainted. He was being spied on!
3 1/4 HOURS LATER!
ZIM sat up to find a cupcake sitting on his tummy. Now, to wake up and find a cupcake lying THERE on your tummy is scary. Do you know about the life style of a cup cake? No, you don't, it is a mysterious life and I will tell you about it. The cupcake roams the forests of the planet Neelimbium and is a vicious little critter. They will attack anyone who steps onto its territory. Now, many brave Irkens go out and harvest them for their Tallest as a sign of bravery. The cupcake has advanced technology and will occasionally beam itself to local around-the-corner food marts where it is then bought and eaten. Not a very fulfilling life, but one the cupcake has chosen. So when ZIM woke up to see this wild cupcake siting THERE on his tummy, he got worried.
Well, Gir, bless his little metal heart, came in and ate the wild cupcake! ZIM breathed a sigh of relief and looked down at the probe. On the probe was a little moose etched into the metal. Well, ZIM decided to learn this probes secrets.... Which he did.
"COMPUTER! Get this.... Moose person here immediately!" screamed ZIM, a note of panic in his voice. He had been spied on! Someone knew his secrets!
Moose sat at her computer in shock. Around five minutes ago, her computer had been writing a message to her! So far, it read: "Moose, you are required at the Weird Blue House. Please report immediately." Moose was amazed. Had this ZIM (who she now knew WAS an alien) decided she was okay? As she stared into the screen, a line of red/purple light traveled from the screen into her eyes. She stood up and walked out the door, grabbing a coat on the way out. Someone was summoning her. She... Had.... To... Go....
"My Tallest, I will beaming to Irk!" said ZIM in a rushed voice. Now, it was about 3 AM on Irk, a little time mistake on ZIM's part. But he was in a hurry, so...
"ZIM! It's 3:30 AM on Irk! Why couldn't you call us at 3:30 in the afternoon?" he muttered. Purple wandered in to the screen clad in silk purple boxers with little dice scattered on them and a tank top.
"Red, shut up." he growled. Red turned and grabbed Purple's shoulders. "I'll shut up. And YOU will talk to ZIM. Good night, Purps." he said and walked away. As he left you could just make out that on his boxers were pretend kiss marks. Purple noticed as well and shivered. "Where the heck he gets those, I don't wanna know...." he muttered.
"K-MART!" was the shouted reply. "BLUE-LIGHT SPECIAL!"
"I didn't wanna know!" snapped Purple.
"Ya do now."
"Shut up. So, wait, what are you doing, ZIM?" asked Purple rubbing his eyes.
"Beaming over to your shelter-unit with this Moose creature. Is that okay with my Tallest?" he said with a deep bow. Purple yawned showing his tonsils and shook his head. "Yea, sure, go (yawn) on ahead. 'Night." he said and left the screen. In a second, he was back, "Just in case you were wondering, Red and I DO NOT sleep in the same room, much less the same bed!" he snapped and the screen winked off.
ZIM cocked his head, "Eh?" he said and shook his head. Forget it, later he would know. He commanded the Moose creature to get up onto the teleprompt unit. She stepped on willingly and ZIM punched in the keys and in a few seconds, they were on Irk. And Lindsay Moose was six billion light years from Earth. With no way to get home.
"Wait a minute! I gave you PERMISSION to bring this-this CREATURE to Irk?!"
"Yes, my Tallest, you gave me permission last night."
"Oh, God, that's right!"
".... Um, excuse me?"
"Damnit, ZIM, now IT'S awake!"
"Um... Why am I here?"
"Because ZIM teleported you here! Now shut up!" Moose stared around at them. Her mind was still blank from ZIM's memory wipe. She remained quiet while these people discussed her fate. The one clothed in purple sighed softly and decided she should be "Converted". The other two stared in silent shock but finally nodded their agreement. The red one walked (or floated) to her with a sad smile on his face. He held a "shot" in his hand and filled it with some liquid.
"Sorry..." he said sadly and in a second, her body fell limp on the ground.
Red watched the human through the glass. She was being Converted, the main medical computer was fixing a Nano-Pak to her back. Every so often, her eyes fluttered open and she would quietly put a hand up to the glass, as if trying to break free. It was all depressing, thought Red after an hour of watching her, to not know you're six billion light years from your home. With a sigh Red left the medical unit.
