He had only been gone 2 months and yet it felt like and eternity since he left.  Kusanagi had fled Izumo and more importantly, Momiji suddenly, and without thought, in a desperate attempt to clear his mind and decide what he needed to do.  Kusanagi knew Momiji thought she loved him, but, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was not good enough.  That he may never be good enough to deserve her love.

“She does not need me anymore” he had told himself.  Once the TAC had come up with the theory of using two artificial Kushinada pulses aimed at some of the Kushinada ceramic to mimic Momiji’s pulse, she was no longer believed to be in danger of being sacrificed to stop the Arigami.  America had been the only other nation that had had access to the Arigami mitamas and they had banned all future experiments so there was little chance of Arigami being reborn over seas.  After the televised Matsuri, no one within Japan could possibly want her to ever come to harm.  She did not even need someone to support her since she had returned her family’s land with enough monetary gifts from the nation to support her and her future offspring comfortably for the rest of her life.  He had nothing to offer her except life with a freak. 

For a few years, these thoughts had been nagging at Kusanagi.  Quieting for a bit after fighting the Arigami in America and growing in volume once more 5 months ago when Momiji decided to move back home.  Kusanagi had known Tokyo, its confusing streets and its hidden dangers.  Momiji still needed him there.  Heck, he could even blend in a bit since there were many artistic people there who died their hair and decorated their bodies.  While in Izumo, Kusanagi had learned the lay of the land quickly, Momiji seemed to know it just as well.  And as for fitting in, well, Izumo was still a bit old fashioned and he had yet to see someone looking as different as he did.  Aggravating things worse, before Momiji had move to Izumo, Sakura had realized that as the Kushinada Momiji must have some latent psychic powers and had taught Momiji ho to sense Kusanagi.  This meant that if he did not want to talk with Momiji he had to go completely away rather than just hiding from her view. 

All these things had been weighing on him, always chipping at his soul.  However, a simple seeming event had been what acted like a catalyst making his fears roar to a deafening level in his ears.  Causing Kusanagi to flee Izumo wrapped up even further in his own inner turmoil.  Without taking a single item he had left, fleeing as fast as he could.  Kusanagi had flown till exhaustion forced him to slow and reflect upon what had happened.

Kusanagi had known Momiji was going to meet her best friend Akiko at the Kushinada shrine for a picnic and he had decided he would enjoy watching her since she would be too distracted to try to sense him out.  He still loved to watch her without being seen.  It was one of the most relaxing things he could do.  With all that Momiji had been thru she still radiated innocence and happiness.  Her careless way of walking (klutzy might be a better word) always made him smile.  Her eyes held nothing but kindness for the world.  When she had said she loved everyone during her sacrificial Matsuri she had meant it.  One could not stand in her light for long without loving her back.  Kusanagi thought of Momiji as a glowing mirror of love, always shinning brightest in the company of others.  Where ever Momiji went she could easily surround herself with friends and he wondered why she focused on him so much since he was more comfortable alone than in the company of others.

Unnoticed by Momiji and Akiko, Kusanagi had settled into a tree where he had a good view and could just make out their conversation.

“I wonder what type of father Kusanagi will be?”  Akiko had asked a blushing Momiji.

That was all Kusanagi heard before his mind became a racing jumble.  “Hell, I’m having a hard enough time being a boyfriend” he had muttered as he jumped away from their picnic spot afraid that his alarm might tip Momiji off to his presence. 

Most of Kusanagi’s life had been spent living separate from humans like a wild animal.  It was not till Momiji had insisted that he needed a home, that he had rented an apartment with some of the Money the Government had rewarded him with.  Though he grew up almost wild, he wasn’t ignorant.  Kusanagi had learned a lot about human interactions watching Kadea for all those years.  But, while it is easy to watch from the outside and gauge people’s emotions and reasoning, it is much harder to participate and vainly try to figure out what people are thinking and feeling thru a veil of your own emotions and thoughts.  He felt even more inadequate at expressing his thoughts and worse yet his emotions.  His sarcastic wit was his only aid.  He loved the fire in Momiji’s eyes when he teased, meaning to say he cared for her and disappeared, wanting to hold her forever.  Up till now he would flit in and out of Momiji’s day whenever it suited him.  When things got to emotional and he felt could no longer think straight he would flit out and watch from the outside for a little bit, giving himself time to cool down. 

“Could I live like that if I had a child?”  Kusanagi had thought dumbstruck. The obvious answer was no.   “For that matter could I even have a child?”  Kusanagi pondered, never having thought that far ahead.  “If I could would the child be pure human or something else like me, a freak?”  Fears of ineptitude assailed him and Kusanagi had felt the need to distance himself for a little while to give himself some time to think.  Momiji tended to cloud his mind to all else except the need to be near her and the want to protect her.  Kusanagi needed a clear mind to think about what was best for Momiji.  So instead of stopping when he got far enough away so that Momiji could not sense him, Kusanagi fled in search of a place where he could think.

Never had Kusanagi felt such turmoil.  Not even when Kaede had first come back after siding with the Arigami.  After two torturous months away, Kusanagi really felt like he really only had two choices.  The same ones he had been trying to decide between for years. The first choice being the get the hell out of her life so she would have to forget him and find a normal guy.  However, he did not think he was strong enough to leave her permanently so he was going to have to do the second choice even though it was not perfect no matter how much it turned his stomach.

He had hated watching Kadea go through the sometimes painful experiments done by the TAC as many of the lab technicians forgot that she was still a young girl.  His blood had boiled to see her treated like a thing only to be studied.  While Mrs. Matsudaira tried to make them be nice, in the mists of some experiments it would be forgotten that while Kaede did hold an awesome power, she was also a little girl who never got a childhood.  Kusanagi had tried to protect Momiji from the same experiences, though Momiji did not seem to mind the tests as much since they were done solely by Mrs. Matsudaira. 

“Momiji, because I love you so much and want you to be able to have the normal life you deserve, I’m going to turn to the TAC and let them examine me to their hearts content in the hopes that they might find a way to safely remove these damn mitamas so I can be normal for you.”  He proclaimed to the night’s air.  While he would still not deserve her love, at least he would be a normal human.

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