Runner1 , whoever you are, God bless you.
There have been, recently, a series of “yaoi tips” essays floating around my various fandoms. And thank God for it. Now, I’m not saying that I know anything much about it, but, come on, people...
This is more or less the whole point of “LemonAide,” because I’m damn sick and tired of bad sex scenes. I’m gonna say it now:
I enjoy reading sex scenes.
There’s not a damn thing wrong with that, thank you very much. But I do make a stipulation. I like reading well-written sex scenes. All this slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am (or, in this case, “sir”) shit is just kind of annoying. I’ve said that a lot. And I’m probably gonna keep saying it.
Fala doesn’t much like writing citrusy scenes, or, for the most part, reading them, as far as I know. Now, that makes sense to me, because, in general, there aren’t very many good ones. If I read another Gundam lemon in which Quatre wears women’s underwear and Trowa’s scrotum is described as “hairy,” I think I’m probably gonna puke. (Thank God I’ve only come across one fic with both these tidbits in one place.2 ) Now, there’s nothing wrong with Quatre wearing women’s underwear, or with Trowa having hairy balls, but, in all honesty, I don’t exactly wanna know about it. This particular story is the sort of thing that turns me off because it’s not tasteful, it’s just gross.
As a general rule, I don’t much like pornography. I don’t like it because (how many times have you heard this) it’s this objectification of people, and because, well, as weird as it sounds, it’s not respectful. Bear with me for a moment. I’ll explain.
Despite the fact that I can beat almost anyone in a game of “Ten Fingers,” I’m not really a prude. If ya wanna go have sex, that’s fine with me. Do it with as much kink or vanilla as you want. My issue is that, in pornography, and in many bad lemons, there is no respect for human beings. It seems to me like having sex it a pretty important thing, even if you do it a lot. It’s not something that you just disregard. The sex in porn, and in a lot of lemons creeps me out because the sex doesn’t mean anything to the two (or more) involved parties. That’s what I find gross. (I guess it’s kinda hard to articulate, but... Oh well. you get the gist of it.)
Even when you’re talking about how much Duo and Heero love each other, with big, flowery sentences, it just comes off as stupid if they’re screaming, “Harder! Fuck me haaaaardeeeer!” within five seconds of confessing their undying love to each other.
It’s fine, I guess, if you wanna write a PWP. I’ve done it. But (and I can’t claim that I can do this, I don’t know) do it well, for Chrissakes. Do it tastefully. If you want them having hot, ball-slapping, monkey-sex, don’t write them as virgin schoolboys. Please! I doubt few people engage in BDSM-type sex on their first date, unless they’re dating for that express purpose, or unless they’re Tira and Carrot.
Here’s another pet peeve of mine: Please don’t say stuff like, “Every time was like the first with him/her/them/it/the old lady down the street.” Can you imagine if every time you had sex was like the first time? I don’t think anyone would ever have sex more than twice, because it would be too damn awkward and scary. I understand what people mean when they write this... Sex with the character’s partner is always exciting and new, as if it weren’t the millionth time they’d screwed like Viagra-popping minks. But, no. If you think about it - really think about it... Having every time be like the first time would probably suck.
And that’s the root (no phallic puns intended) of my issue with lemons. People don’t think about writing them. Too many lemons are filled with over-used cliches, and some straight teenage girl’s homoerotic fantasy. If you’re going to write about having sex, think about it. Granted, ::koffkoff:: some of us haven’t actually had sex yet. But, once again, bear with me. You don’t even have to have had sex to do this well. Think about what you’ve read and, intelligently, consider what is feasible and what is not.
Unless you’re in a setting where condoms hadn’t been invented yet, please use them! (I know I’m guilty of having written condom-less lemons, myself, but... I feel bad about it, okay!?! ::Weep, weep.::) I know it’s a mood-killer, blah, blah, but, hey, it is in real life, too. So there. ::Insert sound clip of children going, “Nanee nanee boo boo!”:: Achem... If you think you can write a lemon where gay characters don’t use lube, you’re dead fucking wrong. Think about this one. Girls, you can’t claim ignorance here, either. If a woman isn’t “ready” to have sex (in crude terms, “wet”), it’s gonna hurt at bit (meaning, a lot), to have a penis put in her vagina. (Oh! Look! Yaeko used dirty words! Oh no! Well, I’m not gonna say, “wee wee,” ya hear?) This is one of the issues with rape, and one of the reasons it hurts. A woman’s body produces its own lubrication, but if it isn’t there, sex will hurt - a lot. So, the same goes for men. Just because the fact that the anus doesn’t produce any sort of lubrication doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need any. Ducklings, it will hurt a whole hell of a lot if Hee-chan doesn’t use any lube. And unless that’s your sort of kink (and I really don’t wanna hear about it if it is), it’s not cool. Sex is supposed to feel good, not scare the shit out of you and make you bleed.
Saying something like, “He sucked/licked him like a lollipop/like ice cream/ et cetera,” is just weird. Think about it. Think about the size and shape of a human penis, and then think about a lollipop. If I were a guy (which I’m obviously not), I don’t think I’d want my penis likened to a Dum-Dum. I’d say, in general, leave food out of sex altogether. I mean, sure, your run-of-the-mill whipped cream and strawberries might be nice, but when you star to get down-and-dirty using lemon meringue (Lemon... lemon...?! What a bad joke.), I’d have to ask you to call it quits. (My one exception here is made for the Gundam fic “PB’n’T,” just because it’s so weird...3 ) Even using words like “delicious,” or, God forbid, “scrumptious,” seem sort of out of place. Think, darlings! Unless you are a vampire, there aren’t many bodily fluids that you’re gonna find tasty, and that includes ejaculate. (On a personal note, I rather hate the word “scrumptious.” Don’t ask me why - I just do.) So, unless you’re trying to be fetishy and kinda creepy, refrain from calling anyone’s jism “tasty.” It tastes like something, I’m sure, but not like desert.
In any case, that’s what I want. Some intelligent lemons. Some lemon authors (straight, yaoi, or yuri) who can sit down and think objectively about the mechanics of sex and human emotion before they jump into the bondage games.
Lucky for my poor brain, there are some good lemons out there. It’s hard to find them, and sometimes you still have to overlook faults (but, hey, that can be applied to pretty much anything in life), but they’re out there.
What I really wanna find now is a yuri lemon that doesn’t sound like it came straight out of some seedy, middle-aged guy’s fantasy. (And if I ever hear the words “Michiru’s” and “love button” together in on sentence again, I’ll have a fit and die.)
1 Runner - A FFN author with Top Tips for Yaoi Writers - Which I cannot find right now...
2 Yes. I have read this story. I almost had an aneurysm...
3 Yes, this fic also exists - PB’n’T, by Kimmie - http://www.gwaddiction.com/jennykim/pbnt.htm
