(Tifa is seen storming through the backstage hallways with a serious frown on her face. Obviously, she was in one of her 'kick ass and take names' moods. You had no choice but to feel sorry for the poor, pathetic fool she was after. She finally came to a door which was mark with a sign that read "Writer's Lounge".
Tifa smiled with menace as she kicked open the door, causing it to fly off the hinges. The guy who was inside, drinking his orange soda looked up to see a door flying at him. He tried to move, but the door slammed into him and before he knew it, he was plastered into the wall. Tifa marched inside and over to the guy. She then proceeded to grab the guy by his shirt collar. She gritted her teeth and asked with a tone that ensured certain doom if the wrong thing was said.)
Tifa: The writer, I presume?
Guy: Uh....no.....
Tifa: DON'T play games with me! You're the writer, aren't you?!
Guy: .............
Tifa: Answer!
Guy: ............
Tifa: You have 5 seconds to answer and stop starting at my chest!!!
Guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you saying something?
Tifa: Grrrrrrrrrr..........
Guy: Uh, the writer's out at the moment....
Tifa: He sure is!
*POW!*
Tifa stormed out of the room, leaving the guy laid out on the floor with a black eye. The guy slowly sat up, holding his damaged eye.
MG4: Ow! Something tells me she read the script.....
(Just then, Cloud walked in.)
Cloud: Uh, I need to talk to you.
MG4: Can it wait? I'm in pain.
Cloud: Nope, it can't. I need to talk to you right NOW.
MG4: Fine, what is it?
Cloud: About this chicken suit.....
MG4: Look, you get paid extra for it, so what's the problem?
Cloud: No check in the WORLD is worth my pride!
MG4: This from a guy who cross dressed with a pig-tailed wig.....
Cloud: That's beside the point! I happen to find those clothes comfortable!
MG4: ...........
Cloud: Um, I'd like to retract my last statement.....
Aeris: (in the background) Naughty Cloud!
MG4 & Cloud: AHHHH! GHOST!
(They both did a mad dash out of the room.)
(Afterwards, we see Cait Sith come out of the closet with a portable voice effector device and a big, cheesy grin. He waddled his large body over toward the snack machine.)
Aeris (in background): You're a big meany, Cait Sith!
(Cait Sith stopped where he was and looked around the seemingly empty room.)
Cait Sith: Hey! Whoever that is, cut it out! That's MY joke, dammit! I'll sue ya!
Aeris: Stop being MEAN! NOW!
Cait Sith: Come on out, you! Joke's over!
(Just then, Cait Sith got his wish. The spirit of Aeris came out from above and stared at him blankly. Cait Sith raised an eyebrow as he slowly backed away. Aeris floated closer to him. Cait Sith backed away some more. Suddenly, Aeris dashed at him, making goofy looking faces.)
Aeris: OOGA BOOGA!
Cait Sith (high pitch): AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(Cait Sith ran out the room like Satan himself was chasing him.)
Aeris: Hey! Come back here, tubby!
(Aeris quickly flew out after him.)
ACT II
Yuffie is seen dressed in a business suit at a local materia store. Shaking hands with the manager, she was given the job on the spot, due to her vast knowledge on all types of materia.
"Well, Yuffie. Welcome aboard. I know that you will bring better business to my establishment."
Yuffie nodded, "You can count on me, sir!!"
The manager looked at his watch. "It's time for my 1:00 lunch break, can you look after the store while I'm gone?"
Yuffie nodded, "Sure thing, sir!!"
The manager walk toward the door, "I'll be back in an hour." The manager was now gone.
Yuffie looked around the store, "Wow! I'm actually working in a materia store! This is SO cool!" Then, she saw it. In a glass case, there was the Knights of Round materia. It gleamed with a red aura as Yuffie's eyes were locked on it. Just then, a customer walked in. Looking around the store for a person who could help him, he saw the only employee there. A drooling clerk. Yuffie's tongue was hanging out of her mouth like a begging dog as pink hearts replaced the pupils of her eyes. "Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh......."
"Excuse me, miss."
"Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....."
"Um, hello?"
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......."
"HEY!"
"ACK!"
Yuffie fell onto the floor from that suddenly snap out of her trance. She looked up at the customer and quickly stood up, wiping the drool from her mouth. "Uh, how can I help you, sir?!"
The guy replied, "Uh, do you carry any Knights of Round materia?"
Yuffie stood in front of the glass case with the Knight of Round inside. "Nope! Sorry, we don't have it! Yep, no Knights of Round here! None at all!"
The guy raised an eyebrow, "Oh....kay. Um, thanks...." He slowly backed out of the store. Yuffie suddenly had a crazed look in her eyes now. She was in yet, another materia trance.
She looked around the store and muttered to herself, "It's all mine...all mine...they all wanna take it from me! No one can take my materia! I AM MATERIA HUNTER YUFFIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Another customer walked in. "Excuse me, ma'am. Do you have-"
"GET. OUT!"
The little boy ran out without hesitation, "She's possessed!"
Yuffie reached into her shirt and pulled out a huge sack. She then proceeded to clean house. "MINE!!! ALL MINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Moments later, Yuffie is seen hopping rooftops with a huge bag while laughing her silly, little head off as if she had won the lottery. To her, it WAS winning the lottery.
The store manager came back to see there was NO materia in the store. The only thing that was left in the store was a note on the counter. He picked it up and saw that there was only one word on it.
"YOINK!"
Meanwhile, Cloud was at Gold Saucer, applying for a job. "Are you sure that's the ONLY job you have available?!"
The man nodded, "Yep, that's the only one. Take it or leave it."
Cloud sighed, "Fine, I'll take the job...." Cloud muttered, "Stupid Tifa and her stupid bouncing jiggling double K boobies...makin' me do stuff. Mmmm...jiggly...gahhhhhhh........."
The man then handed Cloud the chocobo suit and showed him to his post outside of Gold Saucer. "Here. And you might wanna wipe the drool off yer face, too."
Cloud quickly did so, "Oh, my bad..."
The man continued," By the way, Cloud. I'd like to introduce you to your supervisor."
Cloud looked around, "Where is he?"
The man shrugged, "Who knows? He's always vanishing out of site and popping back up. Ah, there he is." Cloud spun around to see who his supervisor was.
"Not you!"
Sephiroth smirked, "Indeed."
Cloud slowly reached for his sword, which was conveniently behind him, although no one ever sees it until he actually takes it out.
Sephiroth smirked, knowing Cloud's intention, "What are you reaching for, Cloud?"
Cloud sneered, "You murderer! You killed Aeris!"
Sephiroth shrugged with a smug look, "I have no affiliation with the event in question."
Cloud shouted, "You bastard, I'll-"
Sephiroth smiled, "Are you about to threaten your supervisor? 'Cuz if you are, you can lose your job. Great union, huh?"
Cloud sneered.
The guy who hired Cloud shrugged, "Since you two seem to be old friends, I'll leave you two to your work." He walked off as Cloud had a look of despair and Sephiroth grinned with PURE evil.
Sephiroth looked at Cloud and pointed to a group of approaching children, "Hey, Cloud. Cluck like a chocobo for the little kiddies."
Cloud folded his arms, "I won't let you take my dignity!"
Sephiroth grinned, "Then I won't let you keep your job. I bet that girl with the breasts the size of Midgar is going to be VERY upset if you get fired...."
Cloud's eyes widened, "What the?! How do you know-?! YOU'RE the one who stole the money from the safe?!"
Sephiroth shook his head, "Of course not! What to you think I have minions for?!"
Cloud gritted his teeth, "First, you kill Aeris and now THIS! I'm gonna-"
"Cluck for the kiddies! That WAS what you were about to say, right? Or would you rather lose this job?" Cloud marched over to the little kids, cursing Sephiroth's very existence.
As Cloud proceeded to flap his arms, run around in a circle and exclaim, "WARK! WARK! WAAAAAAAAAAAARK!" The kids laughed and pointed at him. Then, they decided to kick the snot out of the Gold Saucer mascot as Sephiroth rolled on the ground with uncontrollable laughter. Cloud was also rolling on the ground, but he had no reason to laugh. Especially since those kids practically stomped a mud hole in him and walked it dry.
When they were done beating Cloud with an inch of his life, he looked more like he had been trampled in the middle of the 'Weapon incident'. The chocobo suit was covered with sooty Nike and Reebok footprints. And one, big Timberland footprint on the beak of the costume. Cloud slowly tried to get up, thinking about how much he hated his life. Sephiroth came over to the fallen Cloud who was lying face down on the ground. He looked around and then grinned. Sephiroth then kicked Cloud with all his might, in the ribs.
To play off his evil deed, he shouted, "Hey, kid! Leave him alone!"
Cloud rolled over onto his back and said, "I know it was you...."
Sephiroth looked at him innocently, "How? I didn't..."
Cloud replied, "You're an evil bastard and you had the perfect opportunity."
Sephiroth sighed and shook his head, "I'm not evil, I'm just misunderstood."
Cloud sneered, "You're just as misunderstood as the devil himself....."
Sephiroth beamed proudly, "I thank you for the complement. By the way. When your break comes around, I want you to clean up the chocobo stables, too. They smell."
Cloud exclaimed, "But that's my BREAK time! I need to rest!"
Sephiroth smirked, "Sure, you can rest at home, cuz you'll be fired. Mwahahaha...."
Cloud sighed in despair, "Fine, I'll clean the stable...ya psychotic girlfriend slashin' freak...."
Sephiroth looked at Cloud and then got another sinister smile, "Just for that, you have to clean up the chocobo droppings with your BARE hands....."
Cloud cringed and exclaimed, "No way! That's some bullshit!"
Sephiroth grinned, "Nope. Chocobo shit."
"ARGH!!!" Cloud yanked off the head of his chocobo costume, threw it on the ground, and jumped up and down on it in insane rage as Sephiroth walked away, humming 'One Winged Angel'. Everyone else present blankly stared at Cloud.
"Blondes," said one bystander.
"Yeah, really," replied the other.
TO BE CONTINUED....