Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the various referencecs to film and television. I probably don't own much of the plot however.
Rating: PG-13. And just for language. And bad sexual puns.
Other: No, it’s not a sequel to “Hangover” at all(I’m so done with that whole “trying to maintain continuity” thing.) Yep, everything’s stand-alone since it’s so much more fun if the Trio’s random hook-ups always occur/are discovered for the very first time. There was just one thing I couldn’t resist putting in. And you don’t really need to have read anything for this one. Well, by that, I mean you don’t need to have read anything to enjoy/understand it, but if you have read some absurdism, you’ll appreciate my wit or wonder what the hell’s wrong with me.
“Wow, I can’t believe Akane Midorikawa, famous concert pianist is going to be performing in the park this Friday!” Serena squealed.
“Yeah, she’s really amazing,” said Raye. “I just bought her new CD, and it’s even better than the last one!”
“Isn’t she great?” added Mina. “She’s been my best friend ever since kindergarten.”
The other girls stared at her. “Mina, you know a celebrity, and you never told us?” Serena asked.
“That’s not like you, Mina,” said Artemis. “You still tell us about the time you think you saw Shonen Knife…”
“I did see them!” Mina protested.
“So why haven’t you ever mentioned Akane Midorikawa?” asked Raye.
Mina shrugged. “I guess I just forgot…”
Since Mina had only just now mentioned her friendship with Akane, a young woman with a beautiful dream, it was clear what the pianist’s fate would be. The Amazon Trio was currently in their bar, looking at a collection of pictures that Akane Midorikawa was naturally a part of.
“She’s the one,” said Tiger’s-Eye. “Unless you want her, Fish-Eye. You like pianists.”
Fish-Eye glared at him. “Shut up, Tiger’s-Eye.”
“Grow up,” added Hawk’s-Eye.
“Why don’t you two ever do any work?” Tiger’s-Eye asked.
“Ask Zirconia for better targets,” said Hawk’s-Eye.
“I’m not interested in women,” said Fish-Eye.
“Here,” said Tiger’s-Eye, slapping a picture on the bar in front of Hawk’s-Eye.
“Is that from Grand Master Zirconia?” asked Fish-Eye.
“It’s a Polaroid,” said Hawk’s-Eye. Then he looked at the picture. “But I’m sure she has beautiful dreams…”
“Good,” said Tiger’s-Eye. “Now maybe one of you will do some work for a change!”
Hawk’s-Eye leaned back. “I’ll do it tomorrow. There’s no point in me looking if your little pianist is the one.” Fish-Eye started snickering.
“I really hate you guys,” Tiger’s-Eye muttered.
“I wonder if Mina can get us free tickets to that concert…” said Serena.
“What?” asked Mina.
“Come on, Mina, you guys hit up my friend for autographs,” said Lita.
“Which we never got,” Raye muttered.
“I can’t help it if she was depressed and then attacked by the enemy!”
“Well, I guess I could always ask,” Mina admitted.
“Let’s go!” said Rini.
“Wait a minute, Rini,” said Serena. “We have to go grocery shopping, remember?”
Meanwhile, at the grocery store, Tiger’s-Eye approached his latest target. “Bonjour, my name is Estragon,” he told her. “Comment dit-on surrender your dreams to me!”
“What?” Akane asked. Tiger’s-Eye cracked his whip, changing back into his pointy eared and even more poorly attired self.
"One! Two! Three!"
“Did your mom really ask you to buy four bags of M&M’s?” asked Amy.
“Yes,” said Serena and Rini. They seemed to have no intention of leaving the candy aisle.
They suddenly heard screams coming from aisle 6. “It sounds like someone’s in trouble!” said Lita.
“Transform!” Luna shouted.
Serena, Rini, Lita, Amy, Raye, and Mina exchanged a glance. “We’re in the middle of the grocery store,” said Mina.
“Yeah, what about our secret identities?” asked Raye.
“You never care about your secret identities!” snapped Luna.
“Yesterday, you transformed at the mall,” added Artemis. “The Enemy wasn’t even there!”
“Yeah, but that was to get free stuff,” said Mina.
Tiger’s-Eye was currently in aisle 6, talking on his cell phone. “There’s no Pegasus, so you can get off your lazy ass,” he said. “No, I haven’t killed her yet…So? The pumpkins aren’t here; I’ve got plenty of time.” He sighed. “Yeah, I’ll pick up a box of wine on the way home…I can’t carry all that! Make Fish-Eye do it! He never does anything!”
“Hold it right there!” Sailor Moon shouted.
“Yeah, it’s the pumpkins,” Tiger’s-Eye said.
“Not only is it rude and inconsiderate to talk loudly on your cell phone in a public place,” said Sailor Mercury.
“But pianists bring joy to everyone’s life!” added Sailor Jupiter.
“Leave her…” Sailor Venus trailed off. “What’s so funny?”
“Did you hear it?” asked Tiger’s-Eye. “Yeah, it’s one of their better speeches.”
The scouts sweatdropped. “I am Sailor Moon,” Sailor Moon shouted.
“And I’m Sailor Mini-Moon,” said Sailor Mini-Moon. She turned to Luna. “What’s so funny?”
“Uhm…nothing,” said Luna. She and Artemis were both blushing.
“I don’t get it either,” added Diana. “What’s so funny about being a pianist?”
“Diana, maybe you should get away before the fight starts,” said Artemis.
“You never tell me anything!” Diana whined. “You still haven’t told me what a horse fucker is!”
“Go to your room!” Luna and Artemis shouted. Head lowered, Diana left the grocery store.
“And in the name of the moon,” Sailor Moon said, hoping they could possibly maintain some sense of order.
“We shall punish you!” the other scouts joined in.
“Put Fish-Eye on,” Tiger’s-Eye said into his cell phone. “Fish, I’m not getting you any more vodka. You can just drink your damn martinis with gin like the rest of us…I don’t care what James Bond drinks!”
“Excuse me,” said Sailor Moon.
“Well, if James Bond’s so great, why don’t you marry him?”
“Hey!” shouted Sailor Mini-Moon. “We’re trying to save a beautiful dreamer!”
Tiger’s-Eye glared at them. “I’m on the phone,” he snapped. “Sorry about that, Fish…Yeah, I know. These pumpkins have no manners…oh, hang on a second.” Tiger’s-Eye turned to his shadow. “Arise, my dear lemure, Mecha-Astronauto!” Something from the other end of the phone made Tiger’s-Eye turn slightly blue. “Shut up, Fish. You think you’re funny but you’re not.”
The lemure was a small wind up toy that was wearing a bulky spacesuit. “That’s it?” asked Sailor Jupiter.
Sailor Venus knelt down next to it. “Aww, I think it’s kind of cute,” she said. The lemure shot several small laser beams at her. “Aaahh! My beautiful hand!” Venus stood up and stomped on it. Mecha-Astronauto shot her in the leg. “You little creep!”
“Put Hawk’s-Eye back on,” Tiger’s-Eye snapped. A rose flew out of nowhere and knocked the phone out of his hand. “Hey!”
Villains and heroines looked up to see Tuxedo Mask standing on a display of toothbrushes. “Beauty isn’t meant to be ignored,” Tuxedo Mask said. “But whack jobs like you should be!”
Faint giggling was heard from the discarded phone. “Now, Sailor Mini-Moon!” Tuxedo Mask added. “I’ll take care of him.”
Tiger’s-Eye made a mad dash towards the far end of the grocery store. Tuxedo Mask followed. He was surprised when Tiger’s-Eye stopped in the liquor section. “So, you finally want a fair fight?”
“You are under my command,” Tiger’s-Eye said with a slight wave of his hand.
“I am under your command,” Tuxedo Mask numbly repeated.
“You will do as I say.”
“I will do as you say.”
Tiger’s-Eye hesitated. This was far too easy. Especially since, as far as he knew, he had no mind controlling powers. “You will fill a shopping cart full of alcohol and take it to the mysterious circus tent you never noticed before.”
“I will fill a shopping cart full of alcohol and take it to the mysterious circus tent I never noticed before…” Tuxedo Mask seized the shopping cart of an elderly woman and began filling it.
Tiger’s-Eye grabbed a box of wine, opened a portal, and jumped in.
Back at the Tsukino house, Diana had decided to take matters into her own paws. She was currently flipping through the dictionary. “That doesn’t explain anything,” she said sadly. With a heavy sigh, the kitten began looking up the words that had been in the definition.
At the sound of footsteps, Fish-Eye stood up and whirled around. “Why’d you hang up on—what are you doing here?”
Hawk’s-Eye turned around. “Oh, great. It’s Motivational Speaker Mask.”
Fish-Eye threw a knife. As it clattered on the ground several yards from Tuxedo-Mask, he noticed something. “He brought booze!”
“I am under your command,” Tuxedo Mask said.
“You will leave now,” said Hawk’s-Eye.
“And never speak of this to anyone,” added Fish-Eye.
Hawk’s-Eye and Fish-Eye exchanged a glance. “And bring back another cart tomorrow,” they said.
Darien and Serena were enjoying a quiet evening at Darien’s apartment. Quiet until Serena stomped into the living room and screamed, “Darien!” “Yes?” Darien asked.
“What’s going on, Darien? I found a box of white wine chilling in the refrigerator! You only drink red!”
“I’m thinking of switching to white because red has tannins,” Darien said in a dull monotone.
“Tannins?” Serena shrieked. “Tannins?! What do you do while I'm fighting to save the world?"
Darien thought about this. "Show up at a convenient moment and say something?"
The next day, Tiger’s-Eye found himself with a rare moment off. “What do you two do all day?” he asked Fish-Eye once Hawk’s-Eye had left.
“Drink,” said Fish-Eye.
“That’s it?”
“Yes!” Fish-Eye snapped defensively. “What else is there to do?”
“I can think of something,” said Tiger’s-Eye. He leaned over. “Since you’re not interested in girls, I’m sure a mega-stud like me is more—“
“You already tried that one,” Fish-Eye coldly replied. “Why would I be interested in you?”
“Don’t try to deny your feelings, Fish. I can see that the real reason you don’t go after targets is because you’re hoping for a wild night with me.”
Fish-Eye started to turn an interesting shade of red. “Don’t cheese me off, Tiger’s-Eye! You’re totally buggin’ if you think I’d be interested in you!”
“I love it when you use out dated slang…surrender your dreams to me!”
Fish-Eye threw his drink in Tiger’s-Eye’s face.
Serena, Rini, Amy, Raye, Lita, and the cats were clustered outside of Mina’s door. “Mina, where are you? We have an emergency!”
“What kind of emergency?” asked Mina.
Serena sniffled loudly. “I think Darien’s been brainwashed again!”
“That’s not an emergency! It happens every other week!” Mina threw the door open. “This is an emergency!”
Her right arm and leg were both covered with large boils. “I think there’s a cream that will clear that up,” said Amy.
“I’ve tried everything!” Mina shouted. “And they’re still there!”
“How could you have tried everything?” asked Lita. “It’s been less than twenty-four hours…”
“Some of us care about our appearance.”
“Listen, Mina—“
“Guys, don’t fight!” Rini said. “We promised we’d go canvassing for Proposition V today!”
“What’s Proposition V?” asked Mina.
“It’s a new law that would create higher tax rates for super villains,” said Amy.
“Oh.” Mina sighed. “Well, I’m not going anywhere.”
In a nearby neighborhood, a door opened a crack and an elderly woman poked her head out. “I know who you are!” she snapped. “I know what you are!”
Hawk’s-Eye wasn’t quite sure how to handle this accusation. Why are the pretty ones always insane? he wondered.
“You’re him!” the woman continued. “You’re Mr. Death!”
“I told you, my name is Vladimir,” Hawk’s-Eye snapped. “Can I come in?”
The woman scowled. “You’re just trying to trick me.”
“One! Two! Three!” His prey subdued, Hawk’s-Eye attempted to enter and realized that the chain was still on. “Crap…”
“It’s a shame Mina couldn’t join us,” said Amy. “It’s such a beautiful day for fighting evil through the legal system!”
“I don’t think it’s going to work,” said Raye. “I mean, they’re evil. They probably don’t pay taxes anyway.”
“Well I fight for love and justice by whatever means necessary!” Serena shouted. “And in the name of the moon, I will go door to door!”
“What’s going on over there?” asked Rini, pointing to a house several doors down.
Hawk’s-Eye was hopefully optimistic about getting the door open. “Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap,” he muttered. One arm was currently through the gap in the door and fumbling for the chain. He shrieked as a ball of thunder knocked the door down.
“Hold it right there!” Sailor Moon shouted.
Instead of holding it right there, Hawk’s-Eye took advantage of the now empty doorway to look in the old woman’s dreams. “Where’s the dream mirror?” he asked. He looked at the old woman’s slumped head and at the various dents in the door. “Thanks, pumpkins!”
“Hey!” shouted Sailors Moon and Mini-Moon as Hawk’s-Eye vanished.
“Why did he thank us?” asked Sailor Mars.
Sailor Mercury took the old woman’s wrist and started looking for a pulse.
Mina was spending the day at the cosmetic surgeon’s. The doctor was slowly removing the bandages. “Hurry up!” Mina whined. “Why are you taking so long.”
The last layer came off and the doctor recoiled in horror. The nurse screamed and dropped her tray of assorted instruments. “We can’t do anything with this bone structure,” the doctor said sadly.
“What’s wrong with my bone structure?” Mina screamed.
“I can’t believe we killed someone…” said Raye. They were back at Crown’s, trying to figure things out.
“My dream is to be a doctor,” said Amy. “I’m supposed to save live, not take it!”
“It is ironic that she was afraid that the Enemy was death, but actually—“ Lita was cut off.
“You’re the one who killed her, Lita,” said Raye.
“The door killed her!”
“We still don’t know what’s wrong with Darien…” Serena whimpered. “I’m going to go look for him!”
“I’m coming too!” said Rini.
“So what do you two do while I’m looking for Pegasus?” asked Tiger’s-Eye.
“Drink,” said Hawk’s-Eye. “What else is there to do?”
Tiger’s-Eye looked nervously at Fish-Eye. “Nothing. Where’s my drone?”
Darien was currently pushing a full shopping cart towards the circus tent no one had ever noticed before. “Darien!” Serena and Rini shrieked.
“What’s going on, Darien?” asked Serena. “Are you taking this to your strumpet?” Darien didn’t answer. “It’s Raye, isn’t it? Isn’t it?”
“Serena, I think he has been brainwashed,” said Rini.
Serena sighed. The first time Darien had been brainwashed, it had been a terrifying experience that had left her feeling helpless, hurt, and confused. Now she had gotten used to it. “Darien, you are under my control,” she said.
“I am under your control,” Darien repeated.
“You are no longer under the control of whoever’s brainwashing you now.”
“I am no longer under the control of whoever’s brainwashing me now.”
“You will go back to normal.” Rini whispered something to Serena. “But first you will take us to the mall and buy us each something nice.”
That night, Tiger’s-Eye was alone at the bar, sulking. Still no Pegasus and there would definitely be a lecture from Zirconia. “If only I’d found Pegasus,” Tiger’s-Eye muttered. “If only I didn’t have to do all the work…if only my drone had shown up!” He slammed his fist down on the bar.
Fish-Eye’s bedroom was a mess. A high heel was currently imbedded in the mirror over the vanity, clothes were scattered everywhere, and an empty box of wine was hanging off the door knob. Fish-Eye was lying in bed, smoking a cigarette. “I don’t think I’m going to look for Pegasus tomorrow,” he said. “I think I’m going to drink…and do nothing. He passed the cigarette to Hawk’s-Eye.
“Sounds good,” said Hawk’s-Eye.
Zircon flew into the bar and hovered in front of Tiger’s-Eye. “What?” the blond snapped.
For nothing more than an eyeball, a flame, and wings, Zircon was quite expressive. At the moment, he seemed quite pleased with himself. He projected an image of what he’d just seen in Fish-Eye’s bedroom.
Tiger’s-Eye’s jaw dropped. “Hawk’s-Eye smokes?” he asked.
Zircon felt somewhat disappointed. He flew off to show Zirconia. She would probably have a better reaction.
"Are you sure about this, Mina?" Sailor Moon asked.
"Yes! Just do it!" Mina snapped. "I can't live like this..."
Sailor Moon suddenly realized that she'd completely forgotten the names of most of her previous attacks. Still, Mina was one of her best friends, and friendship meant winging it. "Moon...Princess...uhm...Heal-ation!"
"Aaaahhhh!"
"Serena, you mean 'halation'," said Amy.
"That's the one that killed them," added Raye.
"Oh," Sailor Moon said. "Rini, what's the one that heals them?"
"I don't know!" Rini snapped. "I'm stuck with Pink Sugar Crap Attack and Crystal Wussy Bell!" She sniffled. "I would kill to be able to do Moon Tiara Magic..."
Sailor Moon put a comforting hand on Rini's shoulder. "I know, Rini, but...unfortunately, you take after your father."
"It's not fair, Pegasus," Rini whined. "My mother's the most powerful sailor scout scout but my father..."
"Is Tuxedo Mask," said Pegasus.
"And I have to be like him!"
"But Tuxedo Mask is brave and generous. And I know he means a lot to you..."
"I'd rather be Sailor Moon than Tuxedo Mask," Rini said. "Sailor Moon triumphs over evil! Tuxedo Mask throws flowers at them..."
"But you have the Silver Crystal," said Pegasus. "Tuxedo Mask doesn't have...the Silver Crystal!"
Rini glared at him. "I had to borrow it from my mother!" she snapped. "I have to give it back if anything bad happens in the future!"
Pegasus decided that it would probably be in his best interests to go back to Elysion and let Rini sort this out on her own.