Disclaimer: I own nothing, just the random arrangements of words into the prose you see before you.

Rating: Bad words, innuendo, alcoholism, and infidelity. Somewhere between PG-13 and R.

Other: Originally, this was just going to be a fic about Zoicite and Malachite. But then I realized, all villains can enjoy Valentine’s Day! And yes, I know that since Zoicite is male, he should probably be with Kunzite, but that white haired man with a cape will always be Malachite to me.

Malachite found himself with a problem. A problem that would probably be making him sleep on the couch. He shuddered. The couch was one of the most uncomfortable pieces of furniture in the history of mankind. Not only did it have a hyda-bed with a back numbing bar, as a couch it was also half a foot shorter than Malachite was. No matter what happened, he couldn’t stand to sleep on that couch…he still had nightmares about the last time, especially since Jadeite had put gum in his hair while he’d been sleeping.

That was why Malachite was trying to find a florist: because Zoicite was mad as all hell.

There had been another “If you loved me, you wouldn’t sleep with Queen Beryl” incident. Malachite sighed bitterly. Zoicite seemed completely unable to understand that boinking one’s superiors was a fact of life. In fact, it was amazing that Zoicite was oblivious to this fact, all things considered…still, if Malachite wanted anyone to dress up like Sailor Moon and punish him in the name of the moon, he needed roses. Lots of roses since instead of merely suspecting something, Zoicite had found one of Queen Beryl’s earrings on their bedroom floor.

Malachite ducked into an FTD and suddenly heard painfully familiar music. “I need twelve dozen red roses,” a man in a tuxedo was saying.

The man behind the counter looked at him. “Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, Mac,” he snapped. “We’re out.”

“You’re out?” Tuxedo Mask shouted. “But…”

“Shoulda come in sooner.”

Shit Malachite thought, visions of sleeping on the couch dancing through his head. He was going to have to make sure Jadeite didn’t have any gum… “Do you have any roses at all?” he asked.

The store owner rolled his eyes. “Didn’t you hear me? Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.”

This finally registered in Malachite’s mind. “Shit!” he exclaimed, realizing that he had not only gotten caught cheating on Zoicite, but he’d gotten caught cheating the day before Valentine’s Day, which he had forgotten. The couch was starting to seem like a lovely place to sleep, mostly because Zoicite would never speak to him again and probably stab him in the testicles with multiple shards of ice.

Tuxedo Mask, meanwhile, was lost in thought. He was not only out of roses, but he still hadn’t found the princess in his dreams who looked oddly like a certain bad haired bimbo. And the white haired man who looked like he’d just received a death sentence looked oddly familiar…

“You have to have something,” said Malachite. “Carnations?”

“Sorry, pal. You’re going to have to get your girlfriend something else.”

Malachite didn’t bother to correct him.

“Hi, welcome to Victoria’s Secret,” said a tall, blue haired girl with what was clearly forced enthusiasm. Her nametag said “Junsei.” “Can I help you?”

“Uhm…” Malachite said.

“Trying to find something last minute for your girlfriend?”

“Not exactly.”

Junsei’s eyes lit up. “What’s he look like?”

Malachite took a slightly suspicious step backwards. “I’m not sure this is his kind of gift…”

She gave him a sly look. “He doesn’t have to be the one wearing it…Let’s see what we have left.”

Malachite allowed himself to be led away. Mostly because he had a feeling he was going to be a dead man anyway.

Tuxedo Mask, meanwhile, was in the park, picking wildflowers.

A limp dandelion hit the monster of the day in the face. The Sailor Scouts looked up, extremely confused. “Tuxedo Mask, you came!” Sailor Moon exclaimed, eyes gleaming. She started to blush. “And I bet you brought me something for Valentine’s Day too…”

Another dandelion landed at Sailor Moon’s feet. “Flowers and candy are only meaningless gestures!” Tuxedo Mask called, preparing to run. “Real love is beyond such things!”

Sailor Moon’s eyes narrowed. “Moon…Tiara…Magic!” she shouted.

“Ow!”

“Zoicite?”

Zoicite continued to pout. He was debating chucking Malachite’s possessions out the window or stuffing them into a metal trashcan and burning them. He was just about to settle for chucking anything that wouldn’t burn out the window, setting the rest on fire, and giving Malachite a stupid haircut in his sleep when there was a soft knock on the door. Zoicite quickly wiped his eyes, then opened it. “Why don’t you go bother Queen Beryl?” he asked.

“Because I’ve got something for you,” Malachite replied, holding his cape shut.

Let me guess…it involves knee high red boots and a sailor suit… “What is it?” Zoicite asked. Malachite flung open his cape. Zoicite started to turn red. “You think that after what you did you can just…come in here…and expect me to…that’s a good color on you.”

Serena was bitterly trudging toward the fruit parlor where she planned to eat until she felt better. Fortunately, she knew that wouldn’t take very long. She bumped into someone in a familiar green jacket.

“Hi, meatball head,” said Darien. “What happened to you?”

“What happened to me? What happened to your leg?” asked Serena. “You’re limping!”

“I don’t want to talk about it. But what’s with you? Fail another test?”

“None of your business! And no, it’s just that…” Serena started to blink back tears. “Well, what would you do if your sort of boyfriend didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day?”

Darien had forgotten the majority of his life, but at the term “sort of boyfriend” he could suddenly remember a few details from his childhood, most specifically a detail with long, green hair…

Jadeite entered the room and sighed unhappily. Nephrite was in the bad place again…

The brown haired man was currently sitting at a table with a half empty bottle of wine, an empty bottle of wine, a glue stick, glitter, red construction paper, and heart shaped paper doilies. “What the hell are you doing?” asked Jadeite.

“It’s Valentine’s Day,” Nephrite replied, taking another swig from the half empty wine bottle. “What’s a nicer way of saying ‘Thanks for letting me use you to find the rainbow crystals?’”

“You’re drunk again, aren’t you?”

“It’s lemonade. Now either help me with this or go away.”

“I’m still mad at you,” Zoicite said.

“I understand,” Malachite replied.

The two men were sprawled on their bed, Malachite slowly smoking a cigarette. Most of their clothing had been flung to various corners of the room. Zoicite was currently using Malachite’s cape for a blanket and his chest for a pillow. “But, since I’m still mad at you, that means we could have make-up sex again…” Zoicite continued. He looked up at Malachite. They both started grinning.

“Men are such scumbags!” Serena wailed over a massive, hot fudge sundae.

Beside her, Darien was also binging his troubles away. “Yeah,” he agreed. “and they’re always full of lame excuses like, ‘Oh, my body can’t survive on this planet…’”

“Yeah, and ‘It’s the thought that counts,’”

They both sniffled loudly and added, “And ‘I’ll come back and bring you flowers later! I promise!’”

“But they never do!” said Darien in a rare display of emotion. He buried his face in his hands and started sobbing.

Serena raised an eyebrow. “I think I’m going to go now,” she said, starting to sweatdrop. “Nice talking to you!”

As she hurried back to the safety of her own home, Serena shook her head. He’s kind of cute she thought. Too bad he’s completely insane…

“How about ‘I love you’ or something?” asked Jadeite. “Humans like that kind of crap.”

Nephrite gave him a disgusted look. “She hasn’t said it yet, and I don’t want to say it first,” he replied. “Maybe I’ll just add some more glitter…”

Elsewhere, sealed in the darkness of the new moon… “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…no one will ever be as beautiful as you are, and you will always be this beautiful. Always…”

“Queen Nehelenia?” asked a raspy voice.

“What is it now?” Nehelenia snapped, turning away from her reflection.

“I just wanted to give you these…” A purple, withered hand reached through the mirror Nehelenia was trapped in, holding a bouquet of black, diseased roses.

Nehelenia rolled her eyes as she took the roses and chucked them over her shoulder. “Zirconia, who am I?”

“Queen Nehelenia, ruler of the Dead Moon and rightful owner of the Golden Crystal and/or the Imperial Silver Crystal, depending on your majesty’s preference!”

“Good. Now, where’s my eclipse?”

“We’re working on it, my most beautiful Queen Nehelenia.”

“I hate to be kept waiting…”

“Yes, Queen Nehelenia.”

Once Zirconia had hobbled away, Nehelenia turned back to her reflection. “I’d almost forgotten how beautiful you are,” she told it as she gently caressed the glass.

Much later, in the 30th century…

“Diamond, are you okay?” Sapphire asked his older brother.

Diamond was currently sitting at a table with a half empty bottle of wine, an empty bottle of wine, a glue stick, glitter, red construction paper, and heart shaped paper doilies. “What’s a nicer way of saying, ‘Love me or I’ll destroy your crappy planet’?” he asked.