Disclaimer: I own nothing. My possessions are on assorted credit cards, I rent my meager living space, and Sailor Moon belongs to people in another country.

Rating: PG-13. R depending on how good your imagination is. Contains nudity, looking up dirty words in the dictionary, and the homophobia that goes hand in hand with man-animals who wear stockings and heels.

Other: This is one of those times when it’s best not to ask…don’t ask why there’s no real plot, don’t ask me why I thought this was a good idea, don’t ask why I have to get good movies mixed up with bad fics.

Oddly enough, Hawk-Eye was the only one at the bar. He'd just found another target with potential. Potential for Hawk-Eye naturally meant "older." He was disappointed that he had no one to tell that today he was going to find Pegasus. "It doesn't matter," he said aloud. "Even if she doesn't have Pegasus, this one has experience!"

As he laughed to himself, Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye, who were watching from the doorway, shuddered. "He's started talking to himself again," said Fish-Eye.

"What are we going to do?" asked Tiger-Eye.

"I don't know..." Fish-Eye thought back to what he knew of the world. Most of it had been learned while watching daytime TV and porn. "Should we narc on him?"

"We can't narc on him!" Tiger-Eye snapped. He thought about this possibility for a moment. "Would we get anything out of it?"

"What is it?" snapped Zirconia.

"We think Hawk-Eye has a problem," said Fish-Eye.

"His thing with old chicks is even grosser than Fish's whole man screwing thing," added Tiger-Eye. Fish-Eye stomped on his foot.

As Tiger-Eye screamed in pain and began to yell at Fish-Eye, Zirconia's eyes narrowed. She felt extremely slighted. She was the epitome of an older woman, or, all things considered, at least the ultimate personification of old age. And Hawk-Eye hadn't hit on her once. True, he was willing to pose, naked and otherwise, for Zircon, but most of the circus seemed to do that.

"If I scar, I'm going to kick your ass!" Tiger-Eye was screaming at Fish-Eye.

"It's just your stupid foot..."

"Amazon Trio!" Zirconia barked. "Hawk-Eye is suffering from an Oedipus complex. Sort of..."

"A what?" asked Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye.

Zirconia sighed. If they ever needed to turn animals into humans again, they were getting educated animals. Possibly dolphins. A smile appeared on Zirconia's face. Yes, dolphins should work quite well. They were easily trained, intelligent, and friendly creatures from the sea who would be happy with a fresh fish and a pat on the head for a job well done. She'd send a lemure or two out to capture a few dolphins as soon as possible. PallaPalla would have to be woken up, but the little Amazon would happily perform her spell again. A blissful smile slowly began to spread across Zirconia’s face.

"Master Zirconia?" asked Tiger-Eye, noticing that his employer seemed to be thinking thoughts completely unrelated to Greek tragedy.

"What do you want now?" Zirconia snapped. Half of her mind continued to think of names for the hypothetical dolphin minions.

"What's an Oedipus complex?" asked Fish-Eye.

"Look it up," snarled Zirconia.

A few minutes later Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye were seated at the bar, looking through a hastily conjured dictionary and giggling. Hawk-Eye had already left to go stalk the elderly. "Okay," said Fish-Eye as he started to turn the pages, "this time we have to look up Oedipus complexes."

Not being noble dolphins, Fish-Eye and Tiger-Eye had created their dictionary then proceeded to look up all the dirty and semi-dirty words they could think of and giggle like schoolgirls. "Here it is," said Tiger-Eye. "'According to Freud, emotions aroused in a young--especially male--child by a subconscious sexual desire for the parent of the opposite sex.'" He and Fish-Eye looked at each other.

"Yeah, close enough," Fish-Eye agreed. "What now?"

"So what do we do?" asked Tiger-Eye.

"We don't really think he wants to sleep with his mom," added Fish-Eye. "He just seems to want to sleep with some old lady and pretend she's his mom."

Feelings of bitter rejection began to reenter Zirconia's head. "Therapy. Lots of therapy."

Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye were soon back at the bar. "'...fold of skin covering the end of--"

"Look up therapy, Tiger-Eye," said Fish-Eye.

"'Therapy. The non-surgical treatment of mental or physical disorders.'"

"Where's it come from?"

"Where's what come from?" asked Hawk-Eye as he entered.

"Therapy," said Tiger-Eye.

"We think you need a lot of it," added Fish-Eye.

Before anything else could be said, a lemure entered. "Zirconia wants to see you, Hawk-Eye," she said.

"Master Zirconia?" asked Hawk-Eye, looking up at the podium. Zirconia stepped out of the shadows, a strange smile on her face. “Would you like a drink, Hawk-Eye?” she asked.

Hawk-Eye stared at her. Zirconia tended to ask pointless questions—like “Where’s Pegasus?” and “Why haven’t you found Pegasus yet?”—but this one was borderline idiotic. Asking a member of the Amazon Trio if he wanted a drink was like asking a stoner if he wanted to go to Waffle House. And knowing Zirconia, this was probably a trap… “I…guess…”

“Scotch or bourbon?”

“Both, Master Zirconia.”

Once drinks were in both their hands, Zirconia pushed the button of a small remote control, causing music to start playing. “Wait here until Zircon gets back,” she continued. “I hate to be alone in the tent.”

Hawk-Eye decided he shouldn’t point out that it was probably impossible to be alone in a space that was teeming with lemures and other soulless carnies. “You’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you, Master Zirconia?” he asked. She gave him a bland look. “I’m sorry, Master Zirconia,” Hawk-Eye quickly added. “I shouldn’t have said that to you…please forgive me…”

Zirconia’s odd smile returned. It was currently bordering on a leer. "I think I've got something you'll enjoy," she rasped.

Hawk-Eye managed a feeble smile. He felt terrified and strangely queasy at the same time. Both feelings increased as Zirconia threw open her robe, with strangely queasy starting to win out over terror. Hawk-Eye glanced around. There didn't seem to be a good place to vomit.

Zirconia stepped forward. The inner exhibitionist and a heavy sense of self-delusion allowed her to believe that she was immensely glamorous instead of a purplish mass of sagging wrinkles. "Well?"

Hawk-Eye couldn't look away. It was like watching Fish-Eye in drag. Although Fish-Eye in drag was a strangely appealing guilty pleasure. Zirconia's exposed body was the best reason for seppuku Hawk-Eye had ever been presented with. "Shouldn't I be looking for Pegasus?" he finally asked.

"What happened?" asked Fish-Eye.

"I've seen something awful," Hawk-Eye replied.

"What?" his teammates asked.

"What's the most horrible thing you can imagine?"

"Zirconia naked?" asked Tiger-Eye.

"Now pretend you actually had to see it."

Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye both shuddered.

There was a long, slightly sympathetic silence. Then Fish-Eye asked, "So...what is Zirconia?"

Hawk-Eye wasn't surprised. He knew they'd ask eventually. As Tiger-Eye and Fish-Eye gave him curious looks, he answered, "Female."

"Really?" asked Fish-Eye. “I owe you $20, Tiger-Eye. Do we know where therapy comes from yet?”

“Hold on, Fish,” said Tiger-Eye. He pulled the blue haired man aside. They both glanced at Hawk-Eye. The pink haired Amazon’s left eye had started to twitch. “Maybe Zirconia cured him…”

“Look, if he’s seen Zirconia naked, he definitely needs therapy,” Fish-Eye whispered. “I didn’t see it, and I’m scarred for life!”

“Hey, Hawk-Eye, find any hot targets?” Tiger-Eye asked as he and Fish-Eye returned to the bar.

Hawk-Eye shuddered. “I think I just want to lie down for awhile…”

As Hawk-Eye stagged off to either lie down, be violently ill, or both, Tiger-Eye turned to Fish-Eye. “See?” the blond asked. “Completely cured!”