Welcome back to another exciting episode of Malachite and Zoicite's Lazy Ass Fun Time Comics.

Bringing you dub names and original genders since 1999!

How was shopping for androgynous clothes?

Fine. Until someone got caught shoplifting...

I was practicing for a movie.

You went shopping for androgynous clothes without us? In the name of transvestites, we shall punish you!

In the name of transvestites, we shall also punish you!

We?

Great. Another lesbian bonanza.

::giggles::

Zoicite, I thought we had a no carnie policy.

We did. That sorry poser followed me home.

I'm not a poser!

Well, we have been talking about that threesome...And you vetoed Nephrite and Queen Beryl.

What would we do with Queen Beryl?

Get a nice, big Christmas bonus.

And I hate Nephrite. He's a jerk and a recovering alcoholic.

You have to stop drinking to be recovering.

He told me it was lemonade!

Moving on, today we're interviewing Queen Serenity.

Hello!

First question, you old dead bitch: How did you feel when you found out your granddaughter was Rini?

I felt angry, Zoicite. Angry and tired.

Makes you wish you hadn't killed yourself to bring your stupid daughter back to life, doesn't it?

I don't regret that, I just regret bringing back her useless, daisy chucking boyfriend.

I think we all regret that...

She has a boyfriend?

Oh, raspberries...

Hey, baby. I see you're into leather.

There's only two things I don't trust. Women who dress like men--

Hey!

And men who dress like crap.

You'd better go to the hospital 'cuz you just got burned!

Shut up.

I just can't believe my legacy is a shrill, pink haired...what's the word I'm looking for?

Horse fucker?

That's the one.

Can I hide here again? I'm still sore from...oh, hi, Queen Serenity...

Sore from what?

Uhm...

Beat it, Cape Boy. If you're here--

We're baaaack!

Crap.

Hello, ladies...

Tell Yamhead I'm not talking to her until she gives me a decent explanation for cheating on me.

It doesn't count! You were dead!

You know, we were just thinking about starting Malachite and Zoicite's Lazy Ass Fun Time Couples Counseling...

Sign us up. She's made us into a bad stereotype...

I wasn't dead! I'd been reborn!

We wouldn't have a problem if the Queen of the Harpies didn't have to be the poster child for lipstick lesbianism.

That was a very confusing time for me...Puu and the kissing cousins just left and you went...somewhere...

What did you call me?

Queen of the Harpies! Here's your crown, your majesty!

Why does this always turn into petty bickering?

You usually start it...

Everyone, please stop fighting! You have the power of love on your side!

Shut up, Cape Boy.

I thought you liked me...

I'm over you, you heartless bastard...

I don't like Earthlings.

Earth rules!

Rini, is that you?

Who's he?

Aw, crap...

And I want you three to know that I'm the original woman who dresses like a man.

And I'm a better football player than you'll ever be.

Can I have my flute back?

I'll kill you!

Calm down, Amara.

I...I don't know what you're talking about...

Despite our differences, I'm sure we can all agree to disagree.

And that carnies suck.

I concur.

What?!

He does have a point...

Hotaru, I'm sorry I've made you a cuckhold several times over.

Let's never fight again!

What's going on?

I'm sure we can all put aside our differences...

I'll kick your ass, Disco Vampire!

We just bought a hot tub...want to come over?

I can take you, you wuss.

Sure!

It's not like it's hard. Even Fish-Eye can beat the crap out of Tiger's-Eye.

Why don't we have a hot tub?

Soon enough, my pet.

You'd better step the fuck off, Hawk's-Eye.

He's the horse?

I prefer the term equine American.

I only cheat because I'm just alone in the world...no one likes me...

I like you. In fact, I've fallen in love with you.

No one likes you because you're an obnoxious pink tramp.

Even my own parents don't like me...

Damn straight!

Well, you are obnoxious...

Hey, I'm professing my love to you, you stupid pumpkin!

Why do we call them that anyway?

Damned if I know.

I told you she was evil.

You're eviler than I am! I'm just a confused, misguided little girl! You're an evil alien!

I just want everyone to remember that these are Zoicite and Malachite's Lazy Ass Fun Time Comics, so you animal freaks and sailor stooges need to buzz off.

It's Malachite and Zoicite's Lazy Ass Fun Time Comics.

Whatever.

Pluto Deadly Scream!

Indoor voices.

::whispers::Dead scream.

That's better.

What are you doing here? Get your rebel butt back to the Gates of Time!

I sensed a horrible disturbance in the space time continuum.

That would be all of us in the same place at the same time.

And I have a horrible confession to make.

You're one of us? I knew it!

I'm going to get you spayed.

Neo-Queen Serenity is not Small Lady's mother.

Thank god.

I am.

Does that mean that we...

How the hell did that happen?

I'm not suprised. Pluto's the only one who can stand the little brat.

No, we didn't.

I'm a peasant?

Thank god I'll never have to hear the phrase "I'm a future princess" ever again...

Wait, Darien's not my father?

Oh, no...

Who's the father?

I hope it's not me...

We never even met Pluto.

She has time bending powers, Zoicite. And you know those sailor slobs have tendancies towards domination.

True...

She could have tied me up and had her way with me!

I wish she'd do that with me...

Do we need to have another talk about this, Amara?

My second childhood really sucks. Or is this my third?

Why don't you tell me about it?

Run, heartsnatcher!

Well, my mother died...somehow...and aliens took over me and my dad's bodies...

I hope my real dad is as sexy as my fake dad...

And my dad let Kay-whorey-nite move in with us. I just hate her so much!

Zzzzzz...

No one's even listening...

You're almost as boring as the hermaphrodite with the big forehead.

We're not hermaphrodites!

Hey, Darien, since the spore's not really yours, let's...celebrate...

Who the hell is he?

He's a misguided alien who's full of beautiful dreams.

Who the hell cares about dreams? What about energy?

I care...

What do we even do with all the energy we drain anyway?

Damned if I know.

I brought you flowers.

No one ever gives me flowers...

Me neither. No one even remembers our anniversary...

I told you, my memory was erased...from that battle with the people who were looking for the...uhh...pure dream crystal energy seeds.

There's no such thing as pure dream crystal seeds!

You just say that because your memory was erased.

Doesn't anyone want to know who Small Lady's father is?

No.

I just want to know if he's hot...

I can't believe I almost broke my vows for you.

Vows?

I'm a priest.

I forgive you for the horse, Rini. Sort of...

Stop calling me that! I'm a human boy!

Shut up, Pegasus. I've still got that saddle somewhere...

Ooo! I get to ride him first!

Ewwghh...

I knew it!

So, my real dad's dreamy too, right?

So, are you doing anything later, you strumpet?

Nope. You want to go get coffee, you cheap hussy?

Sure!

Well, it looks like everything's been wrapped up in a neat little package.

And Hawk's-Eye is Small Lady's father.

Crap crap crap crap crap.

Wow, I'm an uncle. With a sexy, sexy niece.

We're not brothers, you idiot.

Thank god.

Well, you're not as cute as my other dad, but you'll do.

Welcome to hell. Let's go, Fiore.

Let's go to my place. I still can't survive on your crappy planet.

This is what Malachite and Zoicite's Lazy Ass Fun Time Comics is all about. The cross dressing sailor failures have their hot tub party, Cape Boy and his weird alien are going out for an intergalactic hook-up, and fathers and daughters are reunited.

This is the happiest day of my life.

I'm all alone again...

You can have custody.

I wonder what the evil fairies are doing tonight...

No thanks. I want to focus on my career.

You stand in front of a big door.

It's a full time job.

You want to get that hot tub now?

Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time for more out of character, canon burning fun!