Mood:  irritated

Hey all.

I'm on my next assignment in Hagerstown, Maryland, which is a small town about an hour and a half northwest of Baltimore. I start work tomorrow. My best friend is trying travel nursing for the first time, and she's coming tomorrow. We're both working the same contract, which should be interesting.

Does anybody live here? If so...

WHERE THE FUCK IS WAL-MART?!

I swear to GOD, I've been on a two-day quest to find this fuckin' Wal-Mart, which I'm starting to believe doesn't exist! The area I'm in is brand spanking new; they're literally building as I speak. They're not even finished building in my apartment! I was letting myself in as the guy doing the blinds was stepping out. That's how fucking new everything is.

Well, back to Wal-Mart... I can't mapquest it because just like everything else, it's so new the address doesn't exist online yet. When I asked ppl in the grocery store for directions, all I got was this blank stare as if I spoke Martian (and I asked six people). A customer told me where it was, but it was so vague, he might as well have told me to go fuck myself. The result was the same. So then I called my recruiter, the office manager to my apartment, and Wal-Mart. I was told different directions from everybody. None of the ways worked.

I give the fuck up right now. I don't care I don't have a garbage can, or a microwave, or a vacuum, or whatever the hell else I need for the next three months. What. Ev. Ver.

Oh yeah. I'm more than halfway done with the next chapter of BiS, and about one fourth of the way done with the next chappie of TFM.

Bye. I'm taking my crabby ass elsewhere.

Mood:  crushed out

I'm done with my assignment in the Carolinas, so I'm happy about that. But my dad isn't going to be here until Friday to help me drive back to Chicago. I'm in a hotel now that I think sucks, but compared to my apartment in Corpus Christi, I'm at a Hilton. Whatever.

I had an interesting morning. I was told that I had all day Monday to pack my shit and get out, so I told the apartment complex I'll be out by 3. They said that was fine (they being the apartment managers). So imagine my surprise when, this morning around 10, as I was walking around the apartment in a t-shirt and undies, I heard a noise. I walked out of my bedroom and found two guys standing in the doorway. Let me reinterate that I had my panties on and a t-shirt. No bra. I'm a big girl (40DDD) so I was sure I was swinging like monkeys on vines. We all stood and stared at each other for a moment before one of the guys said 'We're here from Aaron's to get the furniture.' I was like 'oh, okay' and jumped into some pj pants. Unfortunately, my bras were... elsewhere, and nearly all of my clothes were in the wash at the time. But then I figured 'what the hell, they've seen boobs before' and didn't think anything more about it. It went fine after that. We all talked a bit as I packed and they did their work. Then they left. It wasn't until I was walking out the door to put stuff in the car when I noticed a piece of paper on the ground. Picking it up, I saw it was a map I had printed out and torn up. On it was the number of one of the guys. >.< I guess he did notice. Heh.

Now, in my P.O.S hotel room, I am headachy, sore, and Exhausted. I want to rest, but I need to get the rest of my shit outta my car so it won't get stolen. I can't wait to get to my dad's, where I can rest without having to be so alert of my surroundings. I am really getting tired of this shit. I need a massage.

Maybe I'll call that guy after all. ~__^

Nighty night.

Mood:  irritated

Gah!! I was so happy this morning. Now I'm in a bad mood!

Once again I was watching those house shows on HGTV. The one I watched earlier today was 'My House is Worth What?' These people had the houses of my dreams. I was going to vomit I was so fuckin' jealous. What really burns my cookies though, is that these houses were all half a mil. There's no way I could afford something like that on my own, you know? (At least, I don't think I can). Maybe if I made a hundred grand a year instead of seventy? I don't know. Still pissed me off though.

What also has me in a bad mood is that there's no way I can do international travel nursing without getting a bachelor's degree. That. Pisses. Me. Off. I don't WANT a bachelor's degree. I don't WANT to go back to school. Fucking hell! *has tantrum*

Okay. Sorry. It just hit me now. I turned 28 in May. I'm damn near 30, and no where near where I thought I should be at this point in my life. I have few friends. Except for one cousin, I don't associate much with other extended family because we're just...strangers. That's no excuse, but it takes two of us to tango. I'm tango-ing by myself. And I want these things for myself: relatives that be there for me and vice versa, beloved friends who I'll love until the end of my life, a fantastically beautiful home in a city I'll love... It may be too much to ask, but that's what I want outta my life.

I just have to have patience I think. I remember when I first wanted to do travel nursing. I was in the backyard in my hammock, staring up at the sky (bitching to God I'm sure) about how I wanted to do this. It was a year later before I began travel nursing, but I remember it vividly. I wanted to travel, but I wasn't ready at that time. Looking back, I know that now. I can see it. I may want to go international, but I can see that I'm not ready. I could be offered a million dollars tomorrow to work in Sydney, and I'd freak out (in a bad way) because I wouldn't be prepared.

There. I'm better now.

Thankx guys, as always.

Mood:  special

I don't know why, but today I feel so much love for myself.

Maybe it's because this upcoming week is the last week of my contract, and I'll leave, knowing that I'll never have to see these assholes again. That thrills me like nobody's business.   To those twats at Blank Blank Dialysis, fuck you! I'm SO glad I'm leaving you! Hah!! I'd wish you the best of luck, but I'd be wasting my breath.

I'm staying in Charlotte an extra week though, just to sightsee. I didn't get the chance to do anything here, and I'll be able to try out my new, super expensive Nikon camera. It'll be great.

I want my next assignment to be in Boston! I keep hearing so many great things, and I'm rearing to go. This time though, my best friend is going to start travel nursing also. She agreed to Boston, so I can't wait to get together to see the sights! And shop! Plus we'll be on the upper east coast. A flight to Ireland or the rest of Europe would be nothing compared to coming from Texas. Hell, popping over to Canada will be a breeze.

Oh well. Nothing more to say except to love yourselves. Love yourself so much that no one can tell you shit.

Hasta.

Mood:  hungry

Hey everybody!

Sorry I've been out of touch. A few days before I was supposed to leave for my next travel assignment, my laptop (and cellphone) died a permanent death. So I had to buy new toys. It wasn't until I was loading the software that I realized the slot for my wireless card was way too small, and I'd need an adapter. So I thought, 'hell, I'll buy one when I get to North Carolina.' I got here and guess what? They didn't have any wireless card adapters. I'd have to order them online. How the hell was I to order them online when I didn't have online service, you know? If I did, I wouldn't need the GD card! When I asked, the guy couldn't order it for me and have it sent to the store because of blah blah blah. I don't know, I stopped listening after that.

So then I called Sprint and asked them if they sold the adapters at their store (I have my wireless card through Sprint) and they told me no. But I could buy a USB wireless for $150 if I signed a two-year contract with them. I *already* signed a two-year contract for the one I got. Why the fuck would I sign another contract for service I already got? I just need the #$&% adapter, or another wireless card that wasn't hundreds of dollars. Christ! But my dad eventually got it ordered and sent to me, so now I'm back in business.

The travel assignment I'm on now is in Fort Mill, South Carolina. It's gorgeous. But what's cool is that my company has me living in Charlotte, North Carolina. Driving between states daily is a new experience for me. It cracks me up.

I love love LOVE my apartment. It's the best I've had by far. Oh my god, it's gorgeous...

...which brings me to an incident that happened this past Wednesday, on April 4th. I tell you guys, no matter what I do shit follows me around. I was leaving for work at 5 in the morning, right? As I come to the stairs, I see a older woman sitting there. She's maybe in her late forties, early fifties. She had a tattered pink robe on and rollers in her hair. She jumps up and immediately asks me to call security or the cops because someone's broken into her apartment. I go 'oh shit' and yank out my cellphone. I call the cops, and they keep me on the phone as I wait for help to arrive.

So I start asking the woman questions and the more she talks, the more I realize that something's not right with her. When I started asking her questions, she explains to me that someone broke into her apartment using her keys. She didn't know who the guy was or how he got the keys. She couldn't explain what happened or how she got outside, why she didn't get AWAY and instead hung out by the door (I had called the cops from my car and left her ass at the stairs, I was shouting questions at her from the safety of my car), and instead barracated the door with a bag of dirt and plants. >.< It was at this point that I told dispatch that I thought the woman was crazy and that they need to pick her up.

The police arrived and went to the apartment. When they couldn't get inside, I overheard them saying that they were going to kick the door in. It was at this point that I said 'fuck this' and took off. If someone had broken in, I wasn't going to get shot; if it was the wrong apartment, or if the apartment was empty, I didn't want to be around regardless. So I drove off to the sound of the door being kicked in. And it was LOUD.

As I was driving to work, the police called me on my cellphone (I should've called anonymously, I know better now) but I didn't pick it up. I listened to the message. It was the cop I talked to earlier, asking me to return to the apartment to answer some questions. I was like, 'fuck that shit' and deleted the message. I already told them everything I knew, and they tape that shit besides. I had nothing else to say that I hadn't said already. Plus I was late. It was my 7th day on the job. Not a good impression.

So, for the rest of the day, I fretted that I probably called the police on an innocent couple sleeping in bed because of the ramblings of a crazy woman. I just didn't know what to do! It was 5 in the morning, I was on my way to work, I didn't know the area cause I've only been here for a week and a half... I was just upset.

When I went came home that night, I was terrified I'd see police tape up or a boarded door to the apartment, but everything looked just the way it should have. I was SO relieved, and I still love my apartment.

But if I see that lady again I'm kicking her ass, crazy or not.

On to other things...

This may/may not be my last travel assignment. I'm just tired. I want a home. I miss having a house. I love HGTV, and seeing all those decorated homes and flip this house makes me want to own a home of my own, not share it with someone. Now my best friend is considering travel nursing, and I could tear my hair out. When I'm ready to quit she's ready to start. Gah.

Plus I'm bored with it almost. I am so so SO wanting to go international, and the company I really want to go with isn't ready for that step yet. It's driving me crazy.

Pizza's here gotta go.

Mood:  irritated

Grrr! Again!

Sometimes I can't STAND my mother's side of the family. Dear lord, I love them with my entire being, but I am no one's puppet! I'm not even mad at them, just irritated that we keep going over the same shit again and again!

To my family: (as if they'd read this, except for my aunts and siblings)

I understand that you want me to be happy, okay? I truly do, and I appreciate it. But what y'all have to understand is that I *am* happy! Completely, totally, butt-fuckingly happy! What makes me happy and what y'all think constitutes happiness is two different things! I do not WANT to get married. That's why I don't date! I am not interested in finding a special someone. I'm interested in travel, money and clothes. I am interested in seeing amazing things, and taking care of my patients. Having a family is not something I want at this time. So quit giving me shit!

Mom: I'm not a lesbian. Quit fuckin' asking me that. I don't mention any guys to you because there's nothing to mention. (Plus I never remember their names.) But if you want, the next time I proposition someone for sex in whatever biker bar I'm in, I'll be sure to let you know.

Grandma: Grandma, grandma, grandma. I'm not my mom. You can not manipulate me the way you do her, so please stop trying. I am as strong-willed and stubborn as you are, and I do not take kindly to your 'suggestions.' I also don't need to explain myself to you. If I say 'no' or 'I'm not interested,' then that's what the fuck I mean! Quit pushing! Believe it or not, I don't like fighting with you. Our conversations turn into screaming matches, and I'm tired of it. You're getting too old to be stressed out in such a manner. I don't want you to have a stroke arguing with me.

Grandpa: I won't take prisoners, and I won't ask you to choose. I have no right. You are on Grandma's side, and that's fine. That's the way it should be. But you will also suffer the same consequences because you won't speak up! Either tell me to piss off or be on my side. Stop the double agent bullshit!

Aunt Denise: Shut up. What you have to say is insignificant.

Aunt Gwen: Do you have any crock-pot recipes?

Brother: I still haven't made up my mind. Should I get the Xbox or PS3?

Sister: I farted in the frig yesterday. Dad was so pissed. Everybody says hi, by the way, and to hurry up and visit.

Brother-in-law: I double dog dare you to fart in the frig. How'd you find my site anyway?

Gosh, I never realized how theraputic this blog is. It's amazing what I can get out when I'm not screaming into a phone.

Food! Gotta go!

Mood:  irritated

Grrr!

First off, my sister is doing very well. She had to have her pregnancy terminated last Monday, and is so far adjusting to everything as far as I can tell. However, when she's around other people, my mother reports that she won't look anyone in the face or eye. I know my mother though. She makes things out to be more than they are, so I called my sister and confronted her about it. My sister wants to be left alone, it seems. She just won't tell anyone to piss off and get the hell outta her house. It's unfortunate that I'm not there. I have no problem doing that.

God, I'm in such a pissy mood! Gah!

I just got off the phone with one of my cousins, and I'm just so irrirtated because... I miss him!

I have four first cousins, and when we were kids, them, my siblings and I all hung out together damn near daily. When my parents got divorced I was 14, and my mother moved us with her to Texas, where we lived for 12 years without speaking to them. (Except for my oldest cousin. We were always the closest, and he and I managed to keep in touch in spite.) In July of 2006 my sister and I came up to Chicago on a whim to just see everybody, and that reopened a door I hadn't realize hadn't been all the way closed. I didn't know my cousins missed me the way I missed them, or thought about me as much as I thought about them.

But the problem was was that we were now all strangers to each other, and that HURTS. We're all adults and have our own lives, so I understand that there will be some distance between us. That's just life. But this feels like we're starting over, or meeting for the first time. It also kills me because over the years I've had an image in my mind of how they were and what they're like, and it pains me that my image was so far from the truth.

Back to what prompted this... I just got off the phone with my cousin, and I'm upset because conversation between us is always strained. It's like we want to get to know each other, we want that connection back, but there's something in our way that I can't see! We're so uncomfortable around each other, and it bugs the living hell outta me. My other cousins and I can yap all day, or just sit in silence and be okay. He and I aren't like that for some reason, and it frustrates me (as if you couldn't tell).

I don't handle emotions well. I don't like drama or negative excitement. I don't have the patience or tolerance for it. I am quick to anger and even quicker to violence. Frustration is just as bad for me. I want that relationship with my cousin, I really do. But if it means that this is what it would be like for us, then I'd rather not try anymore. I will always love him. As long as he understands that, I'll be happy.

Mood:  down

Hey y'all.

Well, life is certainly a bitch. I tried to put this up last week but I couldn't. I was too devastated.

We found out last Tuesday that there was a problem with the fetus. She (we're pretty sure the fetus is a girl) has what is called acrania, meaning there is no skull. The baby has a face, but from the eyebrows upward there's nothing. This condition is fatal, and the pregnancy will have to be terminated. Not doing so will risk my sister into either having a miscarriage, or outright killing her from an infection, likely septicemia.

I can not imagine how my sister feels. I remember hearing how when people hear bad news, it would feel like they were socked in the stomach or something like that. I remember being in my apartment, grabbing at my chest because I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was slowly suffocating, and anything that I did would only delay the inevitable. Looking back though, I probably WAS suffocating. I was so devastated I wanted to die, and was quite willing to. I even had the sick thought that I could save the baby by dying. I almost wish that was the case. If my death would've given my niece life, I would've dropped dead that instant.

I just couldn't believe this was happening. I still feel that way sometimes. But my sister... this is their first child, and for something this horrible to have happened, I'm afraid that they may be unwilling to try again. I'm also afraid for everyone else. We were all so hurt by the news, I don't think anyone's heart can take it if something else happens to the next baby.

I just wish I could help! I've never felt so helpless in my life. Whenever my sister had a problem, I'd either give her the money or beat the shit outta the person giving her the problem. There was nothing or no one to fight this time. I'm a medical person. I understand that things like this happen. But now I get it. When it's one of your own, you take it like a personal failure. I kept thinking 'if I had been there,' or 'if I had prayed harder or had gone to church' and yadda yadda yadda. But the truth is, this would've still happened. It's just one of those things.

Well, I'ma go eat something. I is hungry. Oh! I finished my contract for Denver on Feb. 23rd, and now I'm just hanging out in Chicago, visiting my dad until I get another job. God, I SO don't want to be bothered with this shit.

Later.

Mood:  chillin'

Last night was an interesting night for me.

First off my two friends and I went to Macaroni Grill. What was fun about this restaurant was that they covered their tables with two large sheets of paper that acted as a table cloth, but they also supplied crayons. Well, since my friends and I are about as mature as five-year-olds, we had a good time writing and drawing on our table. Things from 'Our waiter is hot' to 'I'm a pervert' and 'I love bananas' (which were some of the things I wrote) entertained our waiter tremendously. It didn't help that our waiter was sooooo cute, and even went so far as to lie to the host that it was my birthday so that we could get our cake for free.

Before we left I wrote my phone number on the table as well.

Now, I don't know how this happened, but for some reason we got the idea to go to some gay male bars. My dear friend who's a travel tech, he's gay. My other friend who I met on this contract, she's straight and as nutty as me. Since we're all from Texas, we like to get together and do shit the Texan way, which means we're just the loudest and most annoying.

Anyhoo, the first place we went to was this gay strip bar called 'Boyz Town.' It was kind of lame looking as far as bars went, and small. But since the drinks were very, very good, I soon didn't give a shit.

Then I guess around ten the strippers started coming out, and that was when I learned something very strange about me. Even though I write yaoi, and can't really stand hetero relationships between anime characters, when it comes to seeing two men kiss or something along those lines... it bothers me. I just can't tolerate it. But when this one stripper was on stage, and this older man went to him to put money in his g-string... the customer embraced the stripper in a way that was sensual, conveyed desire, but was respectful.

The whole scene turned me on.

I damn near fell off my stool. I was SO fuckin' turned on! How the hell did I go from cringing to salivating? I think it was their appearance, in all honesty. The customer was older but tall, good looking, and built. The stripper was VERY nicely toned, but slim. Maybe it was the contrast that worked for me? The idea of two burly, hairy guys going at it makes me want to run away screaming in terror. But to see those two together was a sight for sore, bleeding eyes.

After that, my friends dragged me away to the gay club a couple of doors down, where I fell in love with the atmosphere right when I walked in.

I know you can't group all people into a single category, but I felt last night like all gay men were wonderful. My female friend and I were slightly nervous because we were the only women there (there were quite a few women at the strip club), but the guys were all over us, telling us how gorgeous we were and to come in and dance with them and blah blah blah. The bartenders were gorgeous (which made me hate them), but were such jewels that I couldn't help but adore them. One had taken his shirt off, and he was really, really built, but covered in tattoos. The tattoos were incredible, and he got a kick outta me staring at him all night.

Thankfully, we only had one incident happen to us this time, and considering how wild we are I'm counting it a blessing. My gay friend, Cole, always stradles me and pushes his crotch in my face when I'm drinking because he knows it pisses me off. Well, this other guy saw him do that, and I cringed when I saw the way his eyes raked up and down his body. I tried to get Cole's attention to tell him to 'get the fuck off me before you get raped.' He turned to the guy, said something, then the guy just... grabbed my friend's ass! That fucker! Instead of bashing my glass over his head like I wanted to, Cole just grabbed me and Lee Ann (my other friend) and we went to the other side of the bar. About 15 minutes later that guy got kicked out. Thank God.

What was really weird to me, was that everybody checks everybody out... I just couldn't tell WHO. In any other club, I know that 'hey, he's checking me out' or 'why the hell does he want HER when he could be with ME.' When I was sitting at the bar, this guy, cute as he wanted to be, was looking in my direction. But there was this other really, really cute guy sitting me to me, drinking too. I started to wink at him when I thought, 'Wait, this is a gay bar. Is he looking at me or at him?' Unable to figure this out, I just said 'fuck it' and finished my drink in silence.

What was also weird was that people I would never expect to be gay, were. There were these big, buff guys there that looked like they shit turds bigger than me, with their arms wrapped around their tiny boyfriends. Then there were this mousy guys that were as straight as an arrow that only stopped by to hit on fag-hags and get cheap drinks.

All in all, I had a good time and really want to go back. Especially to see Dante, who was my favorite stripper. ~__^

Mood:  caffeinated

Hey all! Don't mind me, I just feel like babbling.

First off, my sister is nine weeks now, and her due date is August 24th. That's seven months away, and the wait is driving me crazy! I am SO excited that I've been an unbearable pain in the ass since I've found out. Note to my Aunt Denise: quit giving her shit about her diet. She eats alot of fruits and vegetables as it is. If she wants a burger she can have a god damn burger. We both know you don't want me flying down there. Our 'talk' will be very unpleasant if I do.

Secondly, I don't know what it is about Denver that's making me a budding alcoholic. Maybe it's because my friends and I all got stationed in the same apartment complex, but just about every night we hit some bar and get Messed Up. I went from having maybe four or five drinks a year to that many in an hour. I've been here for nine weeks now, and so far I've spent only two weekends sober. Two! I don't hold out much hope for me. This morning I started my day out with a glass of cherry coke and Sailor Jerry's Spiced Rum. Some nurse I am, getting up at 8 in the morning and going for that instead of coffee or juice. I'll just say it's for medicinal purposes. Actually, that ain't too far from the truth.

I don't know what my best friend is doing with the house. Actually, I don't give a shit anymore. If she sells it or rents it, fine. If she sets it on fire and burns it down, fine. You know, I'm going to talk about that real quick.

When I make friends, the few I have I know we'll be friends for the rest of my life. We may not speak often, but if they ever called me up and asked for something, I'd do my damn best to make sure they'd get it. My best friend and I were beyond that. It got to the point where we didn't even speak anymore. One look in her eyes was a whole conversation between us. Words weren't needed. I guess I'm just frustrated now because our relationship has changed so drastically, and not for the better. We hardly talk and when we do, I catch myself putting her down. I don't want to do that. I just can't understand how she feels. I've loved people that I've met, and do love people that I meet. I've just never been IN love with someone. I can't imagine being willing to do anything for someone that wasn't a family member or a dear, dear friend. It bites that she is turning herself inside out for this guy, but yet I don't see the same determination from him. There IS such a thing as 'not enough love.' He doesn't love her enough to do what he should do. And I don't know if maybe she's so blinded by her feelings, or that she wants this so bad, that she's forcing this. Their relationship can't work. It just can't! I don't know how else to tell her besides just telling her so. But that didn't work. *shrugs*

Thirdly, I went to my boss's house last Saturday for a party. (I adore my boss. He's fuckin' awesome.) During the party, some punks went down the line and went into all of the unlocked cars, which was basically everyone there. That wasn't the funny part though...

They were the worst thieves on the planet, I swear to God!

One coworker lost, like, five dollars in change that she had in the console. Mine was the worst I think. They stole my iPod... which was broken.

Let me make a list of shit I had in my car:

- a pair of $200 sunglasses, which weren't stolen

- a GPS of $600 value, which wasn't stolen

- thirty CD's in the back seat, and I'm not missing ONE

- a $30 metal and wooden butterfly knife, which wasn't stolen

- two car chargers, which were right where I left them

- a pair of New Balance shoes, which were $100, and not stolen

- my iPod stand, which I use to play my iPod in the car, which cost me over $100, which wasn't stolen

- the headphones to my iPod, and my iPod charger, which weren't stolen

- $2.46 in change, which wasn't stolen

- they found my chap stick for me, valued at 99 cents

- an lime green iPod where the click wheel, the center, and the screen didn't work, STOLEN

The only thing that really pissed me off was that they made a mess. I got in the car and all of my shit from my console and glove compartment was scattered all over the floor. Typically, I am a very neat and orderly person. I don't like stuff scattered everywhere, especially on the floor where my snow-covered and gooseshit-covered feet were. Makes me crabby.

I had a good time at the party though. It's where I met Sailor Jerry.

Well, that's all I can remember right now. Time for lunch!

Later!