I've Got The Blues
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: 'Use Me' by Bill Withers
Hey all. I hope everything is going right with you.

If you're depressed, then don't read, because I don't want to bring you down with me too. I'm just feeling blue right now. Today, I had a bad day at work, and even though I'm home, I just can't shake it off.

I work hard at my job. I mean *really* hard. I've already lost 5 pounds (11 kg) in two months, when I didn't lose ANY weight when I was exercising! It's physically and mentally exhausting, having people's lives in your hands.

What makes me depressed is that every day, I think that I'm not cut out to be a nurse. Doctors make me anxious, irritated, and uneasy. I don't like them. ANY of them. And this doctor, although I thought he was okay, irritated the living shit outta me today. *sighs heavily* As if I didn't have enough work to do....

The charge nurse for the shift that overlaps mine is...he's not necessarily on my case, but I feel that he thinks I'm a fuckin' idiot. The way he looks at me sometimes...I don't know. There always seems to be some animosity between us, and no matter how nice I try to be or how modest and humble (which I am most certainly NOT) I act, it just doesn't work out.

For me, he sends too many mixed messages. He'll say hi to everyone except me, but then just strike up a conversation out of the blue when I least expect it. Or, he'll bitch at me about how much of a mess I made, but then offer his help to clean it up. Worse of all, it's not a big mess! Three pieces of gauze wadded together under a chair do not constitute a mess asshole! I didn't even SEE it, that's how god damn small it was!

Sorry ya'll. I'm just not a...submissive, bite-my-tongue kind of person, and I've been having to do that. I just want a job where I will be left the fuck alone, you know? Let me do my thing and let me be. But nursing is not like that. Regardless, I'm going to try and hang in there. I'll do what the doctors ask, even though it's petty, silly bullshit, I'll continue to bite my tongue (hopefully not off), and when I finish my contract, I'll take my experience and go elsewhere. It may not be any better, but it's worth a try.

Wait, there's more.

My mom has been an ass too. My best friend is having her house built (it should be finished next week) and she wants me to move in with her. We used to live together before, and by GOD we had a blast! That year in our apartment (I based 'Because of a Game' off of one of our many adventures) was the best year of my life, hands down. I can't wait to live together again. Best yet, I can afford to! The house is a 4 bedroom, two and a half bath, with a den, huge kitchen, living room and dining room...it's beautiful! When I get pictures, I'll put them up.

Anyway, my mom has been SO unenthusiastic for some reason (that reason being my grandmother. She thinks my best friend is trying to take advantage of me. WTF?) She has negatively criticized everything we wanted or liked, she's being unsupportive (which I don't mind, really), but she's just hassling me! I'm 25 fuckin' years old! Excuse me if I don't want to stay living in my mother's house! I want to get laid damnit!

She did the same thing about my job. It wasn't the one SHE wanted me to have (she didn't care until my grandmother put in her ear how working in dialysis was bad), and since then she's been giving me shit about my job. She's not a medical person. What the fuck does she know? But she knows enough to tell me my job is no good? I make more than HER, and I'm HALF her age!

I've just been so bummed out lately, and any little thing that is negative has my mood swings going way out of wack. I just hope that things will be better soon. Hopefully stuff at my job will settle down. Hopefully, when I move out, the distance and lack of communication will mellow her out and cheer me up. (Sad, isn't it?)

Have a good night ya'll.