Aloha!
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Lady Marmalade by Patti Labelle
I'm going to Hawaii!

From Oct. 2 thru Oct. 8, I will be in Oahu, Hawaii, enjoying the sun, the sights, and the laua's. I want to say that I will continue to work on my stories while I'm there, but...I would probably be lying. In fact, I'm sure I will be. But hopefully when I get back, I'll be about to burst from all of the ideas I'll have. I'll tell ya'll all about it when I get back.

Wish me a safe trip ya'll!

Talking to God
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: No Music
Tonight I talked to God.

It's been a long time since I've done that. It's just that, the mood has to be right for me, you know? I don't like alot of noise, and I don't like to be surrounded by people. When I pray, I like to be where it's dark, and where I can hold a conversation without any interruptions.

God and I talked in my hammock. I just bought it two days ago, and I love it. We were outside, in my backyard, staring up at the full moon. I fussed about the clouds on my drive home, but by the time I changed clothes and made tea, he stripped the sky clear for me. A few bright stairs twinkled here and there against the midnight blue sky. It was stunning.

First, I thanked God for my health. Every day I watch my patients deteriorate, and die. I am so lucky my heart, kidneys and liver work. I'm blessed that my spine and brain work. You guys have no idea how much of a miracle it is to be able to take a dump. Trust me, it is.

Next, I prayed for the safety of my family. Especially my brother. He is doing things he shouldn't be (like drugs), and he got kicked out of the only high school that would have him. He needs help in the worst way, but the only one that can help him is himself. Lord, give him strength.

After that, we talked about me for a while. He listened patiently as I whined. "I want an adventure!" I told him, my fists shaking in frustration. "I want some excitement. I want to live!" He didn't answer me, and I didn't expect him to. But I could sense that he acknowledged my words. When I'm ready, he'll have my adventure set out for me. In the meantime, I felt infinitely better by saying the words out loud.

Lastly, we just stretched out on the hammack and stared at the moon in silence. The breeze he added felt wonderous against my skin, making me want to buy a tent so that I could sleep outside. But then I heard the neighbors come outside, with their rough voices flowing across the yard, and it destroyed our quiet atmosphere. Sadly, I collected my things and went back into the house.

I washed my face and brushed my teeth, listening to my bones pop as I wandered to my room. Oh yeah: "Thank you God, that I'm able to walk and hear."

Finally, I crawled into bed. I'll go to sleep after I finish typing this.

Thank you God, for the talk. It's always a pleasure.

The Murder Saga
Mood:  down
Now Playing: 'Knives Out' by Radiohead
Just now I finished proofreading the lastest chapter of TFM, and I'm feeling a little down about it.

I'm happy with the chapter, don't get me wrong. But I'm unhappy with how long it took me to get it done.

This week has been chaos. I was only supposed to work three days. So I thought, 'hey, that'll give me plenty of time to go over chapters, finish off chapter 20 and blah blah blah.' Well, it didn't work out like that.

I ended up not only working a fourth day, but one of my days turned out to be a double. So on Friday, I worked from 5 A.M. to 9 p.m. Plus, I worked Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, which was the day I was supposed to have off. Tuesday was spent running around paying bills, shuffling money from one account to the other, and at the grocery store. It, literally, ate up my whole day.

To make matters worse, I was given a promotion I am not happy about. I am now training to be a charge nurse, and I don't feel I'm prepared for it.

How does this relate to the Murder Saga? Time. That story was built on the fact that I had all day to spend on it. That is not true anymore.

The thing that makes the Murder Saga different from the Running With The Moon Series, is that all of the stories in MS tie into one another. They all relate to each other, and all of the stories are built upon each other. You can NOT start anywhere you want to. You HAVE to begin at the beginning, and work your way up. Running With The Moon is not like that. Each story is going to be independent of the other. Yes, they are going to have the same theme, and things that happened and characters in previous stories are going to be brought up in later ones, but each of Duo's adventures is going to be separate from the other. That is why it's so much faster to write. I don't have to double check myself to see if it conflicts with laws or rules that I made three years before.

Also with the Murder series, not all of the questions in each story are answered. Many questions aren't answered until the story after it, but then new questions arise from the answers of the old. That is why I am so proud of this series; it is truly complex.

But that poses a new problem for me. The complexity. I have added so many details and twists, that some of these things I have forgotten. I get emails all the time that tell me, not nicely, to get my ass in gear or that I'm taking too god damn long. I also get emails about things that I haven't answered. Why? In all honesty, because I've forgotten that I asked the question.

I am truly sorry that it is taking me so long. I really am. And I'm also sorry about facts or things that I've brought up and didn't finish, and false starts. But at the same time, to those giving me such a hard time about it, piss off! This series is already five years old. That's how long I've been working on it, and at the rate I'm going, I might be another year finishing it. I also plan on revising it, and who knows how long that will take. So guess what? The shit is going to be a while.

I love the ones sticking with it, and I know who you are, (Kristen, Butterbrains, Sandra, Haruka Hana and *hugs* Valeria Wellnitz) and I love you for it. I hope I don't disappoint. But to everyone, like I said earlier, the series is already five years old. I've stuck with it this long, you've stuck with it for this long, so what's another year or two? I'm not going anywhere, and neither is the fic.

AHHHH!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: No Music Playing
I want to write!

God DAMNIT, I want to write! Everyone, please, leave me alone! Not you guys. I mean the people in my life. My best friend who is my roommate, my mom, my coworkers, Wal-Mart (I can't seem to keep my ass out of there), and whoever else feels the need to call and/or come visit.

You know, this is something I ponder all the time. Why is having someone to talk to so important? I can go all day, hell, a few WEEKS without speaking to another soul and be perfectly happy. I know this for a fact, because I've done it. I mean, I just don't understand why it is so necessary to talk all the time.

The same thing is said about me though. My mom and friends can't understand how I can be on the computer all day. The only way I can explain it is to say that I enjoy what I do. I LOVE writing my stories. I love trying to come up with something that will surprise you guys or knock you all for a loop. I enjoy challenging myself by trying to find a new twist that will keep you wanting more. I don't get that kind of satisfaction being around other people who are not into the same thing I am.

Maybe that's why I'm so antisocial, I think. I'm the only yaoi lover in town that I know. When I say 'anime,' the first thing that comes to ppl's minds is 'The Lion King.' No, bitches, that's not anime. And when I name off the great stuff like 'Ninja Scroll' or mention shows like 'Gravitation' or 'Trigun,' all I get are blank stares. I swear, in my town, I am truly an army of one.

I just want to get back to the way I was. When I lived with my mom, I could plop my ass in front of the computer and not be disturbed for HOURS. I would, literally, be on from sun up to sun down. That is not the case anymore. Even on my days off, when I want to write, I can't concentrate because (a.) my best friend usually comes in to TALK, and I can't write a hot Quatre/Trowa or Duo/Wufei scene while she's looking over my shoulder, and (b.) there's so much construction going on that I can't focus!

My problem is that I want to be alone when I want to, and I want company when I want it, and that's very selfish and arrogant of me. I mean, I love my best friend dearly, and I would be hurt if my coworkers didn't want to be friends with me or spend time with me, but these are the same people that I see everyday. And if I see them everyday, what the fuck is there to say that we haven't said already?

Exactly.

I've Got The Blues
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: 'Use Me' by Bill Withers
Hey all. I hope everything is going right with you.

If you're depressed, then don't read, because I don't want to bring you down with me too. I'm just feeling blue right now. Today, I had a bad day at work, and even though I'm home, I just can't shake it off.

I work hard at my job. I mean *really* hard. I've already lost 5 pounds (11 kg) in two months, when I didn't lose ANY weight when I was exercising! It's physically and mentally exhausting, having people's lives in your hands.

What makes me depressed is that every day, I think that I'm not cut out to be a nurse. Doctors make me anxious, irritated, and uneasy. I don't like them. ANY of them. And this doctor, although I thought he was okay, irritated the living shit outta me today. *sighs heavily* As if I didn't have enough work to do....

The charge nurse for the shift that overlaps mine is...he's not necessarily on my case, but I feel that he thinks I'm a fuckin' idiot. The way he looks at me sometimes...I don't know. There always seems to be some animosity between us, and no matter how nice I try to be or how modest and humble (which I am most certainly NOT) I act, it just doesn't work out.

For me, he sends too many mixed messages. He'll say hi to everyone except me, but then just strike up a conversation out of the blue when I least expect it. Or, he'll bitch at me about how much of a mess I made, but then offer his help to clean it up. Worse of all, it's not a big mess! Three pieces of gauze wadded together under a chair do not constitute a mess asshole! I didn't even SEE it, that's how god damn small it was!

Sorry ya'll. I'm just not a...submissive, bite-my-tongue kind of person, and I've been having to do that. I just want a job where I will be left the fuck alone, you know? Let me do my thing and let me be. But nursing is not like that. Regardless, I'm going to try and hang in there. I'll do what the doctors ask, even though it's petty, silly bullshit, I'll continue to bite my tongue (hopefully not off), and when I finish my contract, I'll take my experience and go elsewhere. It may not be any better, but it's worth a try.

Wait, there's more.

My mom has been an ass too. My best friend is having her house built (it should be finished next week) and she wants me to move in with her. We used to live together before, and by GOD we had a blast! That year in our apartment (I based 'Because of a Game' off of one of our many adventures) was the best year of my life, hands down. I can't wait to live together again. Best yet, I can afford to! The house is a 4 bedroom, two and a half bath, with a den, huge kitchen, living room and dining room...it's beautiful! When I get pictures, I'll put them up.

Anyway, my mom has been SO unenthusiastic for some reason (that reason being my grandmother. She thinks my best friend is trying to take advantage of me. WTF?) She has negatively criticized everything we wanted or liked, she's being unsupportive (which I don't mind, really), but she's just hassling me! I'm 25 fuckin' years old! Excuse me if I don't want to stay living in my mother's house! I want to get laid damnit!

She did the same thing about my job. It wasn't the one SHE wanted me to have (she didn't care until my grandmother put in her ear how working in dialysis was bad), and since then she's been giving me shit about my job. She's not a medical person. What the fuck does she know? But she knows enough to tell me my job is no good? I make more than HER, and I'm HALF her age!

I've just been so bummed out lately, and any little thing that is negative has my mood swings going way out of wack. I just hope that things will be better soon. Hopefully stuff at my job will settle down. Hopefully, when I move out, the distance and lack of communication will mellow her out and cheer me up. (Sad, isn't it?)

Have a good night ya'll.

My Second Week at Work & Rant #2
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: 'Meeting In My Bedroom' - Silk
My second week at work went much smoother than the first. I am learning the routine, I'm getting my stuff together, I'm becoming more familiar with my coworkers, and I'm feeling more confident in my abilities. My preceptor and I have alot of similar interests (too bad he's not a yaoi fan, or gay) so we're becoming friends. At least, I hope we are. I only hope that I'm not being bothersome to him. I feel like I am.

My rant is dying down right now, so it won't be too much. Just that I can't wait for my house to be built. They poured the foundation two days ago, and I'm very disappointed that that's as far as they've gotten. My mom and I aren't at each others throats--no where near that actually--but I don't like us bitching at each other. We've been doing that daily, all week. I keep thinking 'how is this happening? Is it something I'm doing?' But every argument has started when she approached me with something, and it got out of hand from there.

I'm a homebody, you know? I don't like going out. If I'm not at work, I'm at home. Guaranteed. Maybe that's why we're butting heads so much lately.

This is how it starts: I'm usually in my room, on the computer, minding my own business, then in she comes, starting shit. The truth of the matter is that we have a huge personality difference. She's very gung ho, and has a black-and-white view of everything. I'm the procrastinator from hell, and very laisse faire, seeing the world in all shades of gray.

I just feel that she treats everything like the world is going to end if the shit doesn't get done the way she thinks it should. Just now, she came in and started bitching about how I needed to get gas put in my car right now, and how I needed to get a thank you card for my aunt that sent me graduation money. We got into an argument about that! Can you believe that? A fight about gas and a card? How trivial is that?!

Of course, I could've did what she said just to shut her up, but I couldn't. I didn't. That's the problem with my grandmother: she always gets her way because everyone does what she says just to shut her up. I'm not going to do that with my mother. She is not going to pester the shit outta me like her mother does her. I'm not having it.

Okay. Now I'm pissy all over again. *sighs* I guess I'm still stressed out. I have a job that is paying me well, but I still have a long way to go to get my finances in order.

I'll do it though. One thing at a time.

My First Week As A Nurse
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: 'Sweet Amber' - Metallica
On Monday, I started my new job (I can't believe I got a job!) in a dialysis clinic.

The first three days there were awful. Because I was new, I was making alot of mistakes (I hate making mistakes) and had to be corrected quite a few times. The staff wasn't mean or condescending about correcting me, but that didn't stop me from feeling like an ass.

To add insult to injury, I thought that the charge nurse that day was really hot and I wanted to have sex with him. You all have no idea how much that irriates me. I'm shy when I'm attracted to someone, so I spent the entire day running away whenever he came near. And since he and my preceptor were friends...god, it was torture!

On Thursday though, I kicked ass. My preceptor and I were so ahead of schedule, the charge nurse thought that some of our patients didn't show up or something. I felt really good about myself, talked to some of the other staff members...overall all, I had a pleasant day.

That's it for me. We'll see what next week brings.

I Did It Again
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: (No Music)
Once again, I made an ass of myself.

My best friend came by my house today, just to hang out and watch my South Park episodes. On her way over, she stopped by Wendy's and picked us up some food to eat. Well, I love my french fries drenched in ketchup. So I drowned my fries, got my burger all set up and hightailed it to my room. When she visits, she always stretches out on my bed (she's so much taller than me) and I have a papa san that I usually sit in. Well, with a plate of food in one hand and a drink in the other (you can already see it, can't you?) I sat down in the chair...and the damn thing immediately flipped over.

I had ketchup, french fries and Dr. Pepper all over my shirt and on my pants. I had it on the wall, on the chair, on the remotes, in my hair...it was just everywhere! That bitch (aka my best friend) was laughing so hard she couldn't even help me. Then my mom came in to see what the hell all the racket was, and laughed her ass off too. I expected that from my best friend, but my mom's amusement surprised me.

Just felt the need to share. Have a good weekend.

I Got A Job!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: 'St. Anger' - Metallica
I finally got a fucking job! Hallelujah!

I am going to be working for a dialysis clinic in downtown San Antonio! Hopefully I'll be starting on Monday!

I'm just so relieved. With creditors calling the house and not understanding what 'I don't have your money' means, I will finally be able to start paying them back so that they'll leave me the hell alone. *sighs happily* That will be the day.

I just wish my mom was happy for me. She wants me to work for a military hospital nearby (BAMC), and since I've so eloquently refused (by saying 'the hell I will!'), she's been a real bitch about it. But that's okay, because I've been a real bitch about doing whatever the hell I feel like. I'm 24 years old for fuck's sake. I ain't gonna do things because my mother wants me to. That shit is gettin' nipped in the bud right now.

*sighs again* Now I can't wait until I move out.

Rant #1
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: (No Music)
I know, I know. I don't post in my blog often. Sorry ya'll, I'm not used to expressing my feelings.

Warning: I'm about to rant.

I feel off my rocker. I'm confused, frustrated and depressed, but I don't know why or what's the source of it.

I passed my licensure test, so now I'm a registered nurse. That was a month ago, and I've yet to find a job.

This shit sucks!

I want everyone to just shut the fuck up and leave me alone! Mom, shut it! Grandma, shut it! Mom, shut it because I know your lips are still flapping! And you wonder why you're divorced! I don't know how Dad dealt with your constant bitching without strangling you! I'm about ready to hit you with the couch!

I will work the hours I want to work with whoever wants me. Back off my tits Grandma!

I'm bloody hell broke, bad! I know I'm about to lose my bank account. So stop calling me! I don't need the god damn reminder.

I'm on my period!

Okay, that made me laugh.

Well, I guess I'm done with whatever this was.