Entries
July 29: I feel so alone... I always do, even when I am surrounded by my friends and family. Lost in a crowded subway, waiting for someone to just go ahead and push me to my death, crushed by the system, or in this case society... I went to the Avon Breast Walk to support my Aunt Merk today... and I saw such hope it made me tear up and want to just cast aside the skin society has sown me and bawl my heart out for these survivors, these women. And yet... I also saw things that were wrong...instead of happiness I found complaint, instead of joy I found regret and bitterness... there was anger and repression, instead of freedom and celebration. I saw hypocrites, those who say they survived, or walked for one who has not and yet are smoking heavily as they walk, spreading the diseased fog among the healthy and ill alike, and I felt such anger at them it made be fear for myself. Why should I be angry? It is their life after all.. I guess I'm just disapointed in human nature... yet again...
I went to the Hard Rock Cafe afterwords, and had a very alarming experience. I felt like an actual teenager! Yippee! But, I also felt like I didn't belong.. I hadn't seen the people everyone else had, I hadn't lived the lifestyle... I felt like such a hick... *sigh* I'm better then I could be I guess... I know it may not appear that way by what I'm writing, but I'm actually quite happy right now. I'm thrilled for so many reasons, namely school (SJSU rocks!) and the debracement, but also because I'm experiencing life. And that is what I think we are all supposed to do... :)
I just feel so overwhelmed and... burnt out. I need time to find myself, or I fear I'll never catch up with me again, just dancing the waltz for eternity, unaware my body has given out years, eons, before...
*Loran*
