Entries
August 4: I saw Rush Hour 2 tonight with my mom... I can not handle her mania any longer. I feel worthless and disgusting, surrounded by faceless and yet jeering people who look down on me for not supporting my mother in her time of need. But when is everyone going to realize that my mother will never improve? That her family is not able to care for her any longer? That I can not ruin the rest of my life sacrificing my dreams so that she can be sane. Because, I finally figured it out: nothing I do will help her. We are so alike and so different, but our common ground as mother and daughter is shrinking, mostly because I am realizing now that she is in fact only my birth mother: my step mother is in fact my true mother. I'm starting to tear up as I realize all the hell I put my step mother through, tormenting her (although I dare not realized it then) when I refused to respect her, I refused to acknowledge her for who, for what, she truly is. She nearly single handedly kept me off of the streets, away from the hells caused by drugs (hells I witnessed through the trials of my mother and many a friend), away from the darkness I see on so many people's faces, the utter hopelessness. Wendy, my step mother, I will always love you for being my mother... I just hope that one day I might be able to say that to you... *sniffles*.
I'm sorry for this... my diary has become a dark whining complaint... I'll try and infuse it with giddy joy... *crosses fingers*
My life... is at a cross road, and I'm not sure which to take. On one hand, I could continue with my education which is what 'everyone wants', and yet, will that help me or hinder me in my chosen profession of writing? I fear the future... so many people who can portray their feelings (and spell) ten times better then I could ever dream, hope, to aspire to, out in the market today... and I will have to face them if I ever hope to realize my dreams. Woops... back to the darkness... ok... happiness... I'm learning valuable lessons, but I'm not sure which are BS or truth... I am redefining my faith and becoming comfortable in my believes without intruding on other people's.... I am growing to be 'ok' with my face, able to look beyond the faults and see the beauty that is beyond, in my human soul that I can see twinkling behind my eyes, reminding me that no matter what, there will always be someone there for me. It could just be that sandwich I had earlier for lunch, but I can feel that higher power, he/she I call my Lord (God if you will), and that really is comforting me right now. My life... isn't sucking as much as it could be, and I'm beginning to be thankful... although I do say BEGINNING. A quote from a song: I find bliss in ignorance.... Isn't that so true? To be blissfully ignorant of the hells here on earth, able to rewalk my footsteps and tread new ones... *sigh* I will leave now, with a hopeful message for everyone: Turn off the computer and GO TO SLEEP!
*giggles and does just that*
*Loran*
