Scene 1: Jane's Arrival at Thornfield (Night)

Jane [stepping down from carriage]: Oh, what a long journey. I'm so tired, but I can't wait to find out what my new life holds for me.

[Assisted by the coachman, who is blue and has a tail and fangs, she walks into a large mansion that looks suspiciously like a certain mansion that may or may not actually exist in Tokyo]

Mrs. Fairfax [wearing a white lace cap, her horns poking through, and a white lace shawl that fails to cover her decolletage]: Welcome, my dear. I am Queen - I mean Mrs. Fairfax, Mr. Rochester's kindly old housekeeper. If you hear any strange noises, people laughing maniacally in the night, things like that, just ignore it. Nothing strange is going on here. Would you like some tea? Mwah -ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jane: [peers down at cup] No way. It's probably poisoned.

* * * * * * * *

Scene 2: In Mr. Rochester's study, after his arrival home from a long journey.

[Mr. Rochester is sitting in an armchair facing the fireplace. Jane comes in timidly through the door.]

Mr. Rochester [not facing Jane]: Young lady, I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative tonight, and that is why I have sent for you. Therefore, speak.

Jane: I love you. [faints dead away.]

[Nephrite gets up, picks up Naru, looks around trying to figure out what to do with her, then settles her on one of those old-fashioned chaise-lounge things.]

Mrs. Fairfax [coming in]: Mr. Rochester, here is Adele to show off the present you brought her. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Rochester: Yes, Queen Beryl-sam - I mean, show her in, Mrs. Fairfax.

[Jadeite enters, wearing pink ribbons in his hair and a short pink satin tutu. Nephrite snorts, trying not to laugh]

Adele [in falsetto voice, with really bad fake French accent]: Isn't my new dress -- [switches to Jadeite's voice] Oh, the hell with it. I feel ridiculous.

Nephrite: You look ridiculous.

Jadeite: I hope this doesn't give any of those Neffy-Jeddy weirdos any ideas. This is even worse than that bra picture.

Nephrite: I can't believe that anyone would think I'd actually have the bad taste to want to see you in a bra.

Jadeite: How do you think I feel? I'm the one wearing the damn thing!

Nephrite: It should be obvious to even the most hard-core yaoi nut that Naru-chan looks far better in a bra than you ever will.

Jadeite: Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. How do you know how Naru-chan looks in a bra?

Nephrite [glancing over at Naru to make sure she's still out cold]: You know that Black Crystal I made? It's like having your own personal x-ray machine.

Jadeite: No kidding? Really? Man, you've gotta let me borrow that thing sometime --

Mrs. Fairfax: If you two don't get back into character right now, I'm going to put you both into Eternal Sleep.

Jadeite [shuddering]: Yes, Queen Beryl-sama. [in falsetto voice, with really bad fake French accent]: Merci, Monsieur Rochester, for the beautiful cadeau.

Mr. Rochester: You're welcome. Now get the hell out of here.

[Jadeite skips out of the room. Once off stage, he can be heard muttering, "That's the last time I'm ever late for auditions."]

* * * * * * * *

Scene 3: Mr. Rochester's house party

(The drawing room. Jane [Naru] in a gray dress with a high, stiff collar and fried-egg epaulettes, is sitting in a corner with Mrs. Fairfax [Queen Beryl], who is still wearing a white lace shawl that fails to cover her decolletage. Adele [Jadeite], in a pink satin dress, is sitting between two green youma in low-cut, high-waisted Pride-and-Prejudice-style gowns. He is sulking as they pinch his cheeks. Blanche Ingram [Zoisite] is wearing a white P-and-P gown. The bodice of the gown is remarkably well-filled out. His hair is done up in an elaborate style with ostrich feathers stuck in it. He walks over to Mr. Rochester [Nephrite] and starts flirting.)

Jane: Look at that shameless tramp, trying to steal my man.

Mrs. Fairfax: You're right, Zoisite is rather a shameless tramp.

Jane: I meant Blanche. I'm trying to stay in character here, you know.

Blanche: Mr. Rochester, I thought you were not fond of children.

Mr. Rochester: I'm not. Especially not that one. Damn, the slash writers are going to have a field day with this. First him, then you.

Blanche: (whispers loudly) Do you mind? This is my one big scene. (normal voice) Then whatever induced you to take charge of him - I mean her?

Mr. Rochester: Queen Beryl made me. [Peering down the front of Zoisite's well-filled-out bodice] What in the Negaverse have you got down there?

Blanche [sounding offended]: What do you mean? Can we just continue with the scene, please? This is my only scene, you know.

Nephrite: [reaches into Zoisite's bodice, comes up with a very large mushroom.] Mushrooms?!

Zoisite: [grabs mushroom back from Nephrite] For your information, that's all that will grow here. Besides, you can get different effects, depending on whether you put the stem side in or out. [Demonstrates, which results in Jadeite falling to the floor laughing hysterically and Nephrite walking off the stage in disgust.]

* * * * * * * *

Scene 4

(The attic of the mansion. Bertha [Kunzite], wearing a tattered white gown and cape, her/his hair artfully tangled, is chewing the scenery. Well, not literally. The door to the attic room bursts open, and Mr. Rochester [Nephrite] in a purple tux, Jane [Naru] in a wedding dress, Mrs. Fairfax [Queen Beryl, her decolletage still on display], and Bertha's brother Richard [Umino] enter.)

Bertha: [runs at Mr. Rochester and gesticulates wildly] The world is mine! Mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

Richard: She's dangerous! I'll go get some spicy shrimp. That should handle her! [runs out of room]

Mr. Rochester: This is [shakes head, covers his face with his hand, mutters something obscene] just what I need, the slash writers are gonna love this. [Takes deep breath] This is my wife.

Jane: Mr. Rochester, I don't care if you're a bad man and you lied to me and you're already married to that mad creature, I love you anyway. Take me, you gorgeous hunk of tormented man! Take me!

Mr. Rochester: Okay.

[Jane and Mr. Rochester fall to the floor in each other's embrace. The rating of this production goes up to about R.]

Mrs. Fairfax [looking at the pair on the floor]: I don't think that's in the book. At least not in this scene.

Blanche: [running into room] Bertha-sama! My love! [Bertha and Blanche fall to the floor in each other's arms.]

Mrs. Fairfax: Now that definitely isn't in the book.

[The curtain hastily falls, as the rating of this production approaches NC-17]