Act One: Christmas Eve

The four sisters are sitting in a humble yet cozy Victorian sitting room, wearing long, full-skirted dresses and hair curled in corkscrew ringlets. All four tennou are in their own hair, except for Jadeite, who is wearing a long brown wig.

Jo: (Reclining sulkily on the floor) Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents.

Amy: Speak for yourself. Kunzite-sama's giving me -

Meg: Do you mind? It's supposed to be private. Besides, you're out of character.

Amy: Sorry, Kunz - I mean, big sister. (She/he fluffs his/her skirt and tosses his/her ringlets and gives Jo a smug look. Angry sparks bounce back and forth between the two sisters' eyes.)

Beth: (In a bored monotone) We've got Father and Mother and each other.

Amy: Who needs Mother when I've got Kunzite-sama? (Bats eyelashes at Meg.)

Jo: (Jumping to his/her feet) Will you shut up about Kunzite-sama? If the rest of us can try to stay in character, so can you! (More sparks zap through the air. The atmosphere grows noticably more tense.)

Beth: (In the same bored monotone) Birds in their little nests - oh, the hell with it. Go ahead, kill each other, see if I care.

Director: Cut!!! Cut cut cut!!!

* * * * * * * *

Act Two: The Big Death Scene

Jadeite, still with the long brown wig, is lying on a bed next to a window, covered with a large puffy quilt. Nephrite and Queen Beryl, in dark Victorian-style dresses, are sitting next to the bed, dabbing at their eyes with white lace handkerchiefs.

Beth: Urk, urk...

Jo: (With a certain lack of feeling) Please don't die, Beth.

Amy: (Suddenly bursting into the room) Wait a minute, I should get to do this scene!

Marmee: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Europe!

Amy: I should get to do the death scene! I'm so much better at death scenes than him. He just goes "Ack!" and stands there looking stupid, while I die so much more beautifully, with flower petals and everything. This should be my big scene! (Goes to the bed and starts tugging at Beth's arm.) Get up.

Beth: Leave me alone. At least if I die now, I get to get out of this stupid wig and go have a drink.

Amy: No! I want to be the one who dies! This could be my big break!

Beth: I just want to die so I can get out of here!

Jo: Would one of you just shut up and die already?

Director: Cut! (Throws down spiffy director's megaphone and stomps out of the theater.)

* * * * * * * *

Act Three: Jo Finds Love

The front room of the Victorian house. The front doorbell rings. Nephrite opens the door to find Naru standing there, in a large black overcoat and bushy fake beard.

Jo: Professor Bhaer! What are you doing here?

Professor Bhaer: (Trying to speak in a deep voice with a fake German accent) Jo, my dear, I haf heard about your sorrows, and haf come to rescue you from being an old maid.

Jo: Oh, Professor Bhaer. (Starts to hug the Professor, then pulls back.) Forget it it. I don't care if it is Naru, I'm not kissing anyone with a beard. (Exits stage left.)

Director: (screaming) Cut!!! (Falls to the floor in a fetal position, muttering) Chocolate... must have chocolate...