#17: (fixes himself and makes a lot of changes to the scenery)
Kumon: What are you doin'?
#17: I ordered a pizza.
Kumon: …So?
#17: DUDE… the hot pizza chick's comin' over!
Kumon: PI~ZZAAA~~~A in the mornin'! Pizza in the evenin'! Pizza at suppertime! When pizza's delivered by the hot pizza chick, you can eat pizza anytime!
Both: (attempt to high-five each other, but they miss on purpose, and flex their biceps) HOOAH!
The Doorbell to their apartment sounds.
Both: Pizza chick is here! (They run to the door, open it, and look to find Jewel)
#17: DUDE… Why didn't you use your keys!?
Jewel: (mocking #17) DUDE… If I had my keys, would I have rang the doorbell?
Kumon: Fuck you Jewel.
Jewel: Why are you so excited? And why is the place clean?
K&17: Pizza chick is comin'!
Jewel: …….. Unless a pregnant virgin on a camel's knockin' on the door, I don't really give a shit.
Kumon: Fuck you Jewel.
The Doorbell sounds again, and they open the door again. Much to their chagrin, Ranma is there, wearing a pizza delivery boy uniform and holding a box of pizza.
Kumon: DAMN YOU, QUASIMODO!
Ranma: That will be $13.75 plus a tip.
#17: ….Here's a tip. (Grabs Ranma by the pigtail and rams his head against the door) Doors are hard.
Kumon: Man, I'd rather starve to death than eat somethin' Ranma delivered.
Ranma: (on the floor) …No one's stoppin' ya.
Kumon: You're still here!? Pick your eyebrows up and go home!
(NEXT SCENE - Akane and Ranma's home)
Akane is at home… making out with some unknown fellow on the couch. Ranma begins to open the door.
Akane: Quick, hide! (Shoves the boy into the closet)
Then Ranma walks into the apartment, looking glum.
Akane: Hi Ranma! You're home… early.
Ranma: I got fired…
Akane: Why?
Ranma: Because none of the three pizzas I delivered today were paid for.
Akane: Ranma, you just got the job about three hours ago.
Ranma: I'm fast…
Akane: (very quietly) That's for damn sure.
Ranma: What was that?
Akane: Uh, dur?
Ranma: …What?
Akane: Nothing. Never mind. So what are you going to do about your job status? I mean, I don't want you to become more pathetic than you already are.
Ranma: Well gee Akane, I don't know. Maybe I'll whore around like you do. You think I don't know about that American Exchange Student hiding in the closet!? (opens the closet) Come out, Bob.
Bob: Sup Ranma.
Ranma: Get the fuck out, Bob.
Bob: Okay Ranma. (leaves)
Akane: Now you scared him off. I was trying to get his English notes for a test tomorrow.
Ranma: Well silly me, I would have asked to borrow them!
Akane: But-
Ranma: Enough of you. (turns and begins to walk out) I'm going to Ucchan's for some food.
Akane: But I can make you something to eat.
Ranma: I'd rather stick my finger through my eye and scratch my brain than eat your toxic waste. (walks out)
Akane: ……..Well I'll be damned.
Ucchan's Okonomiyaki - Shinnosuke is sitting on one of the seats, smoking a joint.
Ukyo: …You can't smoke weed in here.
Shinnosuke: But you do.
Ukyo: (puts her finger to her lips) Shkskshshskshsh.
Shinnosuke: ….Yeah.
Ryoga: (walks into the restaurant, listening to New Kids on the Block through his headphones while dancing like a suburban middle-class white person from Beverly Hills) OH OH OH OH OH! OH OH OH OH! OH OH OH OH OH! (turns to Ukyo and gyrates his hips) THE RIGHT STUFF!
Shinnosuke: …. (to Ukyo) The love of your life is here.
Ukyo: Oh joy.
Shinnosuke: Didn't you say he was Mister Right?
Ukyo: No. He's just Mister Right Now.
Ranma walks into the restaurant.
Ranma: (takes a seat on the counter) Okonomiyaki Deluxe Special. With milk. And make it chocolate.
Shinnosuke: (sarcastic, as usual) Watch out now! There's a bad boy over here! What's next? Press-on tattoo? Clip-on earring? Jaywalking?
Ranma: (slowly turns to Shinnosuke) When I want advice from a crack head with a short dick, I'll give you a call.
Shinnosuke: (obviously, he was insulted by all of that) God da~mn… I was jus' playin'. Shit!
By the way, Ryoga is still dancing. Ranma is disturbed by all of it so he flips out on him.
Ranma: Hey Ryoga, the 80's called, they want you back.
Ryoga: (slowly removes his headphones) ….Well screw you in the mouth.
Ranma: (pretends to be hurt, he speaks in a mocking-crying voice) Oh..! Oh my God! Well up your nose with a rubber hose.
Ryoga: Twice as far with a chocolate bar!
Ukyo: (carefully slides Ranma's food over to him) Anything else?
Ranma: Did I ask for anything else?
Ukyo: You know what, Ranma? (takes the food back) Fuck you.
Ranma: (rubs his temples, and wails out) You know what….? (points to Ukyo) I don't need your piece of shit Styrofoam covered in sauce that you call Okonomiyaki! (points to Shinnosuke) I don't need the human chimney! (and points to Ryoga) And I sure as hell don't need Jordan from the New Kids on The Block!! So I'm going ELSEWHERE to eat!
Ukyo: But I made you the food!
Ranma: Well KUDOS to you! (he leaves)
Ryoga: ….I want some kudos.
And so, Ranma goes all the way back to the Tendo Dojo, praying that Kasumi may have prepared something.
Ranma: Kasumi, can I have sandwich?
Kasumi: It's in the fridge.
Ranma: Well…?
Kasumi: You've got legs! Use 'em!
Ranma: FUCKING FEMALES. (stomps over to the kitchen, opens the fridge, takes out a sandwich, and slams the fridge closed)
Nabiki: (from upstairs) Why are you yelling!?!? Are you PMS'ing!?!
Ranma: (yells right back) Well you wouldn't know about PMS'ing, would you, you pregnant slut!!!
Nabiki: At least when I get pregnant I'll know who the father is, unlike your girl!!
Ranma: BEGONE, INFERIOR SEX.
Nabiki: Who peed in your cornflakes? (goes back into her room)
Ranma: I'm leavin'. (begins to leave)
Kasumi: It may rain outside, Ranma.
Ranma: Good. I'll walk with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown. (slams the door)
Kasumi: …..Asshole.
Ranma then traipses down an avenue, however, his trip is stopped short when he bumps into Sakura.
Ranma: (he's losing it) I'm sorry I've invaded your space, Oh Goddess of the Sidewalk! I didn't know you owned it! Next time, make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights so then I will know you're going to be walking down this Holy sidewalk and I would be able to float over you into the abyss of perpetual happiness with the rest of your loyal subjects!!
Sakura: …What the fuck is wrong with you!?
Ranma: DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!?
Sakura: (scared) No not at all. Cool as a cucumber. (thumbs-up)
Ranma: NGGGH! (shakes his head a lot) The bees…. they're in my hair! (runs off)
Sakura: Oooookay. Someone's a few beers short of a six-pack…
Ranma walks back to his apartment, enters the room and walks past a mirror. Then he slowly walks backwards to see himself in the mirror again and he smiles. He takes off his Chinese shirts so he is only wearing his pants and an undershirt.
Ranma: (singing to the tune of Living La Vida Loca) I'm in to training sessions. Anything goes is what's it's called. I feel a premonition. This guy's gonna make girls fall. I'm in to new sensations. New kicks in the candlelight. I got a body like Arnold. This guy sure knows how to fight. (Akane walks in from the side while Ranma is singing but he doesn't notice her) I make you take your clothes off and feel my body all night long. I'll make the chicks fall at my feet and that's why I sing this song! Come on!!! Upside, inside out. I'm living the vida Ranma. I'll make you scream and shout. Living la vida Ranma. Kumon's such a jerk. He can eat the ass of a Llama. I'm the sexiest man on earth. I'm living la vida Ranma!
Akane: (sounding like Janice from FRIENDS) Oh… My…. God
Ranma: AH, Akane! How much did you see?!
Akane: …enough
Ranma (falls to his knees in front of Akane) I'm losing it!!! Akane, you gotta help me! Smack some sense into me, you're good at that!
Akane: (helping him stand up) Ranma… (kisses him gently on the lips) You're a fucking idiot.
Ranma: Screw you dude!
Akane: Why don't you just think back to the source of your little problem and find a way to get revenge. Then you can go back to being a pathetic little troll.
Ranma: (sarcastically)Thanks Akane, you always know the right things to say to a guy. However you DO have a point… I'll be back in a few minutes. (runs out the house)
Ranma is now on a bicycle with a carton of eggs. He rides past Kumon, #17 and Jewels house and throws all the eggs onto the front door.
Ranma: Ha! That'll show them!
Rides away
Kumon opens the door and see's mashed eggs all over it
Kumon: Alright!!! Dinner!!!
