Furinkan High School a week before the last day of school.
Note: This is not a drama, it may sound like one in the beginning but TRUST me it isn't.
Everyone is in the classroom (except Goten & Mai since there younger.. duh..)
Ranma (staring at Akane's legs): hmmmm… how lovely… (licks his lips and suddenly gets aroused) uh oh! (looks down and whispers) psst… go away, Mr. Fireman…please go away, go back into the firehouse.
Trunks(looks to Ranma): Oh yea… (turns to Shinnosuke) Ranma's talking to his "who who dilly" again.
Shinnosuke (throws a pencil at Ranma and whispers): Quit talking to your dick man!
Ms. Hinako: Ranma can you stand up and go to the board and put the answer for #17 please.
Ranma: um… (looks down at "you-know-who" then looks back up to her) I do not understand "Stand-Up"
The bell rings
Ranma: whew… thank God.
Everyone gets up
Ms. Hinako: I didn't dismiss anybody yet! Siiiiit.
Everyone sits back down
Ryouga: I hate it when she does this.
Ms. Hinako (takes out a jar): These are well…condoms and the board of education would like all of you to take ONE, to have a safe summer.
Kumon: I love them, they are just so generous these days.
Ms Hinako (walks to Shinnosuke): I suggest you take two.
Shinnosuke: No thanks I'm already wearin' one. Dr. Sakura's orders.
A book flies across the room and hits Shinnboy
Sakura: Ass…
Guys: Yay Shinn-boy! You got yourself a whore!
Sakura(takes out her ninja stars): WHORE!? I'll show ya whore! (picks up Nabiki and Akane by their shirts)The Tendou sluts over here! Here are your whores! (drops them)
Nabiki and Akane groan and moan
Sakura throws her ninja stars at those guys
Sakura: And women aren't whores.
Nabiki and Akane punches Sakura on each side of the face
Sakura: AHHHH!
Ms. Hinako: GET OUT!!!! TAKE ONE AND GET OUT!
Everyone leaves even the teacher but Ranma stays behind
Ranma (looks around then gets up safely): Hmm (looks in the jar and there is one left) Yea right we never use these. (leaves)
Outside of the school
Akane: Hey Mai come over here.
Mai walks over pissed off
Mai: WHAT!
Akane(fixes her hair): Who pissed in your Cornflakes!
Mai: My cousin Mulan, but that's not the point!
Akane: Then, what's your prob?
Mai: This! (holds out a condom)
Akane: Use it.
Goten comes by with everyone else
Goten: YES MAI YOUR READY!
Mai: NO! You KNOW my rule!
Goten: um… " Don't ever walk to my house during a full moon"?
Mai: My other rule.
Akane: Um…I passed your house once during a full moon, what happens?
Mai: You did? You're lucky they didn't get you.
Akane is frozen
Mai: You KNOW the other rule Goten.
Goten: "Don't have sex until marriage"?
Mai: Exactly, Akane you want it? (stares at her) Akane?
Akane is still frozen
Ranma: I'm gonna take her home (picks up a frozen Akane and starts heading home)
Mai: hmm… Trunks?
Trunks: Sure, saves me 4 bucks. (Takes it)
Ukyou: Oh yea, I'm gonna throw my annual "Week Before the End Of School" Party. I'll call up Akane later I guess and she'll go tell Ranma.
Mai: Damn…
Capsule Corp.
Vegita: What do you want from me?
Ranma: Well, (stares at him) I would actually like to have your muscles, you're nice style of clothing, your (stares at Bulma) um…family.
Vegita: What the fuck!
Ranma: What sir?
Vegita: Is this why you came here?
Ranma: Oh, no it isn't.
Bulma: Then what is it before Vegita loses it.
Ranma: I want to borrow your car Mr. Vegita.
Vegita: No!
Ranma: Please?
Vegita: No!
Ranma: But I said "Please"!
Bulma: Stop that! (Looks to Ranma) What do you want his car for?
Ranma: To take Akane out for our Anniversary in style.
Vegita: Oh, okay then.
Bulma: So you're doing this for Akane, hmmmm Vegita?
Vegita (crosses his arms): No… (Takes out the keys to his car) Here.
Ranma (grabs the keys but Vegita wont let go): Um, Mr. Vegita sir.
Bulma: Let go Vegita!
Vegita (mumbles the words "I love you" to the key chain and lets go): There
Bulma: What were you doing?
Vegita: Saying a prayer, check my forehead for a fever.
Bulma checks his forehead
Ranma: Thanks sir! (Ready to walk out)
Vegita (grabs his shirt): Hold it…I'm gonna give you some rules.
Ranma: Yes?
Vegita: Don't hurt her.
Ranma: I would never hurt Akane-
Vegita: I MEAN the car!
Ranma: Oh…
Vegita: Anything happens to her, I kill you.
Ranma: What?
Vegita: Let me give you an example, See if YOU get into an accident and the car gets hurt, you better die in the accident, because it's gonna be a lot less painful then what I would do to you.
Ranma is shocked
Vegita: If anything happens to the car and your still around to tell me what happened, I will make you into a blanket and give you to Bra.
Bra: I wanna Ranma blanket! I need a Ranma blanket! I want it now daddy! Now!
Vegita: See, she wants one.
Ranma (nods his head slowly): I'll bring the car back, I swear to you.
Vegita: Fine, go, leave, now.
Ranma runs out the door into the garage
Vegita (looks at Bulma): You, me, bed, now.
The garage
Ranma (turns the car on and it roars): Ahh this is great.
Ranma drives to Akane's Apartment and beeps the horn
Akane (looks out the window): Hey! Is that Vegita's 57' Jag?
Ranma: Sure is.
Akane: I know you didn't buy it.
Ranma: Hell no, He let me borrow it, can I come up?
Akane: Yea.
Upstairs
Ranma: Okay lets start our Anniversary (Grabs Akane and starts kissing her but she is not kissing him back) What? Do I have kitten breath?
Akane: I talked to Mai today and-
Ranma: Damnit Akane! She's brain washing you!
Akane: No, I think it's a good idea that we DO use condoms since I don't want to get pregnant right now, or anything else.
Ranma: Wha-wait hold up! You slept with everybody and their mother, you were a freakin' stripper Akane! You're "humdigger" is as wide as a damn football! But you're afraid to get pregnant by me, your fiancée! Doesn't this sound just-just a bit strange to you?
Akane: I was not a stripper, I was a topless waitress that danced on tables once in awhile.
Ranma: That's not the point!
Akane: Please Ranma?
Ranma: Ugh… I'll be back in 2 minutes, 5 minutes tops.
Ranma runs out of the apartment and gets into his-er Vegita's 57 Jag.
Ranma drives to the drug store
Ranma (walking through the isle): Condoms, Condoms, Condoms…come on! (Looks around) Rubbers, Jimmy hats, Johnny's, I NEED condoms!
Finally he stops by a wall of Trojan condoms
Ranma: Whoa… (Takes a pack a red one and runs to the cash register while getting flowers, candy, & a teddy bear on the way)
Female Clerk: Let's see here. (Puts the flowers through and you here a Beep Candy Beep Teddy Bear Beep Condoms eeeh) Uh oh… (Goes to the microphone) Can I get a price check on Trojan Condoms?
A little boy: Mommy what's a condom?
Mother: Oh nothing sweety.
Boy: I wanna condom! I need a condom! I want one right now!!!
Mother: No sweety-
(the boy keeps on screaming and stomping his feet)
Male voice: What size?
Female Clerk: Size-
Ranma: Wait! I'll just give you a 20. Keep the change and buy something nice for your kids!
Female Clerk: I have no kids-
Ranma: There's a shocker, I left my wallet in my car, and I'll be right back.
Ranma runs outside and notices his-Vegita's car missing
Ranma (screams like a Mariah Carey): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA BE A BLANKET!
Police Sation
Police Man: Well son your car is probably in bits and pieces and on it's way to New York by now.
Ranma: Great, then I'll be a blanket.
Police Man: What?
Ranma: Nothing…
Police Man: Go home, rest, and we'll see what we can do.
Outside
Ranma: Got no car, got no money, and I'm lost.
Akane's Apartment
Akane: Where is he?
Phone Rings
Akane(picks it up): Hello? Hey Ukyou.
Ukyou: Come over my place! Where having a party!
Akane: If Ranma doesn't show up in five minutes I'll be there.
Outside where ever Ranma is
Ranma: Oooh! I forgot about Akane! (goes to a pay phone and calls up Akane) BUSY!? Damnit! (calls up Kumon) I can't believe I'm doin this.
Kumon, #17, and Jewel's house
Kumon (picks up the phone): Talk.
Ranma: KUMON!
Kumon: Ranma? You never call me, Akane's not here today.
Ranma: No not that, I need your help since "my" car was stolen and I need YOU to steal a car and come get me.
Kumon: I'm busy-
Ranma(gets on his hands and knees and bangs on the pavement): Do YOU hear this! I am ACTUALLY on my hands and knees begging you to PICK ME UP!
Kumon(moves away from the receiver): Okay, where are you?
Ranma: I'm downtown.
Kumon: DOWNTOWN?
Ranma: Yea well, (bus stops I'll hop on a bus and meet you half way (hangs up)
Kumon: but- (hangs up) I'll meet you guys at the party.
Nabiki: Where you going?
Kumon: I gotta pick up Ranma from downtown.
Jewel: He's gonna die down there if you don't pick him up quick.
Back to Ranma
Ranma (gets on the bus): What a day…
Bus driver: hey…
Ranma: What?
Driver: Money man! 65 cents!
Ranma (checks his pockets): You know what, I have no money.
Driver (shuts the bus door): I HATE it when you kids come in this bus and think you can get a free ride!
Ranma: This is my first time-
Driver starts speeding along the streets
Driver: I'm gonna teach you kids a lesson!
Ranma: AHHH!
Ranma gets beat up in the bus by the Drivers sharp turns and speeding
Kumon's in a car by a corner
Kumon: Whats taking this faggot so long!? I'm about to leave his fuckin' ass. Psst. (gets into the car and starts driving off)
Ranma(practically crying): LET ME OFF!!! (looks out the window and sees Kumon) Kumon!! (Bangs on the window but Kumon makes a left turn leaving the bus) Oh no!
Then the driver throws him out onto the pavement in a vacant lot
Driver: Next time you'll know…NO FREE RIDES! (he drives off leaving Ranma alone)
Ranma(stands up and looks around): SHIT! (he starts walking around)
Cut to Capsule Corp. Trunks' room
Trunks (trying his great looking clothes for the party <drool>): Goten….what do you want?
Goten: 5 dollars Trunksy baby! Come on!
Trunks: Don't call me that, and no.
Goten: Come on bro.
Trunks looks annoyed and disgusted
Trunks: You never return my stuff!
Goten: That is not true.
Trunks: Oh yea? You still have my teddy bear from the third grade!
Goten: Not anymore, gave it to Mai.
Trunks (stomps his feet): THAT'S MINE! Damn man, I'm gonna talk to her later.
Goten: Please Trunks? Just give me 5 dollars, we've been friends since-sperm trust me!
Trunks: Wait, what do you need it for?
Goten: There's this new magazine called "The Babes of Video Games" the centerfolds are of Jill Valentine, Claire Redfield, and Nina Williams this month.
Trunks (grabs his VERY thick wallet): I'm commin' with ya!
They leave
Back to pooooor Ranma
Ranma(walking down the streets): I'm so dead…I'm totally lost and I'm so dead.. (Looks to his right) What…HEY!
A 57 jag covered in spray paint starts driving Ranma's way
Ranma(jumps in the middle of the street): STOOOOP!
The car runs him over and the guys that stole it walk out
Ranma(on the ground underneath the car): I think you have.. my uncles car.
They pick him up
Guy#1: (takes out a knife) This is my car now man..
Ranma: You um see, I don't want the car! I just want the lucky troll I put in it before I drove it.
Ranma walks to the car
Ranma: It's in the glove compartment (he opens it up and 30 guns and knives fall out) ah…(then the troll pops out and he takes it) See?
Guy#1: Your mom gave you one of those too?
Guy#2: You know, he looks like Kumon.
Ranma: Kumon! Ryu Kumon? Ya I know him.
Guy#3: Wow! We gotta lot in common.
Guy#1: Join bro, my name is PeppaRica, (points to #2) This is Bazil (points to #3) And this is Galick Powda.
Ranma: I'm Ranma.
PR: That's a nice name…how'd you get it?
Ranma: Heh, long story, I was born with it.
GP: Oh cool.
They get into the car and as they drive off PeppaRica starts talking about his art he draws on the side of buildings
Bazil: So what school you go to?
Ranma: Furinkan High,
PR: I tagged that up about a month ago.
Ranma: That was you? That work was beautiful, the essence of light and shadow- too bad they got rid of it.
PR: WHAT?
Ranma: They washed it off, it's gone.
They drive to Furinkan High
They start tagging it up once more but now it's a naked girl that looks like Akane.
Ranma: She looks like a girl I know.
PR: I saved the best part for you Ranma.
Ranma: Oh….no, I couldn't.
PR: Come on man, pop her cherries on.
Ranma: Well ok. ( he takes the spray can and starts spraying)
PR: Not dimes man, dollars. Dinner plates. Make them big.
(Ranma puts more on and while he does that the guys leave him and take the car)
Ranma: Oops, she's dripping, So what do you guys think ( turns around and sees then drive off) DANMIT!!! (he tries to run after them but it's too late)
Ranma ( looking up at the sky): All I want is one condom, just one condom AND FIVE MINUTES WITH AKANE, THAT'S IT!!!!! Can't you give me a break just once!!!!!
Just then the moon shines on the window and sheds light on one condom lying in a jar.
Ranma: Thankyou. (he climbs up to the window and jumps in, he can't open the jar so he throws it on the floor to break it. Little did he know the janitor heard the glass break)
Ranma ran down the hall so proud of himself but then the janitor attacked him.
Janitor: Vandalize my school will you?!?
Ranma: No I just-
Janitor: Prepare to die!!! ( he turns on the fire hose and it shoots Ranma to the other side of the hall and down the stairs)
Ranma: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ranma runs into the cafeteria and the Janitor follows him holding a mop.
Ranma: Just leave me alone!
Janitor: NEVER!!! ( He punches him to the other side of the room)
The janitor runs after Ranma and right before he hits Ranma, Ranma hits the janitor with a bucket and leaves the school.
Ranma: What the hell was that?!?!?! ( he walks down the street)
Ranma: Yes!! Now all I need to do is get to Akane's apartment. ( just then a car comes by and hits Ranma)
Ranma: OOOOOOOOOOW GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!
The guy comes out of the car to see if Ranma is hurt and low and behold, the guy is Kumon.
Kumon: Ranma, there you are. Get in the car!
Ranma: Oh I'm fine, thanks for asking. Just drive me to Akane's house.
Kumon drops Ranma off.
Ranma: alright!!! Here I come my sweet. ( Just then the sprinkler system goes off) off course. ( he rings the doorbell but nobody answers) Ok I'll just climb this tree up to her room. ( he puts the condom in his mouth. He starts to climb but then sneezes and the condom flies out of his mouth and lands on a sprinkler) NO!!! ( just then the sprinklers go off again) NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!
(The condom floats down into the sewer) SHIT!!!! ( just then the tree breaks and Ranma breaks through the window of Akane's room) JESUS CHRIST!!!!!
(he looks around but Akane's isn't there. Then he sees a note on the door that says she went to Ukyous' party.
Ranma: GOD DAMNIT!!!! ( Then the cops surround the house thinking it is being robbed) AHHH SHIT!!!!
Cop: Come out with your hands up!!!
(Ranma runs out the back of the house and into an alley where he finds a 100 dollar bill) Cool but what good is it now, my clothes are messed up, and I look disgusting. ( then a homeless person comes out of a box)
Guy: I can help you man. I got some clothes over here. ( gives Ranma a raggedy shirt, jacket and an old pair of pants)
Ranma: Thanks man.
Guy: Hold it, that's gonna cast you $99.19.
Ranma: I don't have that!!! ( just then he remembers the $100 bill) Here.
( the guy actually gives him change)
( Ranma walks across the street and sees a bus pull up so he gets on)
Bus Driver: YOU AGAIN!!!! I TOLD YOU, NO FREE RIDES!!! ( he closes the door on Ranmas arm and drives a few blocks then lets Ranma in)
Ranma: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU WOULD KILL ME FOR 65 CENTS?!?!
( shows him money) HERE'S YOU 65 CENTS YOU PSHYCO!!!!
Bus Driver: That's all I wanted. Please, take a seat.
Ranma gives him a "what the fuck" look.
The bus stops in front of a drug store and Ranma gets off
Bus Driver: Thankyou for conserving fuel and have a good evening. ( he drives off)
Ranma: Asshole. ( he walks into the drug store)
Ranma picks up a pack of condoms and goes to the cashier
Girl: 4.75
Ranma: You know what? I don't have enough.
Girl: then you don't get any.
Ranma: Haven't you ever been in love, and just the thought of being with this person can make your day. Love is the greatest feeling in the world and I love this girl so much.
Girl:………4.75
Just then 3 guys come into the store
PeppaRica: Put your hands up, this is a stick up!!! Hey Ranma. Whats up?
Ranma: Just trying to buy condoms but she is making it hard for me.
PR: Give us the condoms and everything in the cash register!!
( the cops come)
Cop: Come out with your hands up!!!
PR: Shit man. Ranma don't take this the wrong way, but I have to take you hostage.
( they walk outside, PR holding a gun to Ranmas head)
PR: I never really did this before.
Ranma: I'll help you out. ( pretends to cry) Please!! Put your guns away, these guys are crazy!!! I just want to live!!! ( they put there guns away)
PR: Hey not bad Ranma.
Ranma( back to normal) Thanks, drama club, sophomore year. ( back to crying) Tell my mom I love her!!!
(They get in the car and drive off trying to lose the cops.)
(They drive REALLY fast and the car hits a curb and flips over and gets completely totaled)
The police station
Ranma tells the cops the whole story and everything he has been through
Ranma: You know what love spelled backwards is? E.V.O.L Evol. Pure Evol. All I wanted was one stupid condom and five lousy minutes, that's it.
Cop: Well call me crazy but I believe you. Here's some clean clothes, Kumon brought them for you and he's waiting outside. ( turns to leave but stops) Hey kid, ( throws him a condom) Make her day. And oh yeah, here's what's left of your uncles car. ( throws Ranma a burnt troll with no hair and leaves)
At the party
Trunks is talking to Mai in the corner of the room and Goten is in a corner checking out his magazine, Sakura and Shinnosuke are dirty dancing, and Akane is talking to Ukyou.
( Kumon pulls up and he and Ranma enter the party)
Kumon: This is a one time thing. I will never do this for you again.
Ranma finds Akane and they go into Ukyous room to have sex.
Mai: God Trunks! Take the damn bear, and stop crying!
Trunks (wipes his tears away): Thankyou Mai…
After that
Akane: You said five minutes. What took so long?
Ranma: It's a looooooooooooong story.
The next day at the Tendou Dojo
( Phone rings)
Kasumi: Hello?. Ranma, it's for you!
Ranma( comes down stairs) Hello?
Vegita ( on the phone) WHERE'S MY CAR RANMA!!!!
Ranma has a VERY scared look on his face and he starts to cry
