Zelgadis: Hopefully, not what I think is happening.

Amelia: What’s that, Mr. Zelgadis?

Lina: You don’t mean.....

Filia: This is a disaster! (falls down)

Gourry: It is?

All: SHE’S WRITING ANOTHER FIC! AAUUGHH!

J-chan: Now, now, I’m not that bad, am I?

Zelgadis: So who dies this time? Who has a struggle with their internal, unrequited feelings for someone else?

J-chan: (looks hurt) What makes you think I’m going to kill anyone?

All: THE LAST FIVE FICS, DIPWAD!

J-chan: Oh. Well, you’re wrong! This is a humor fic, so there!

Filia: Oh, no! This is even worse! (wails)

J-chan: (indignantly) Hey! (watches as half the Slayers cast attempt suicide) Oh no you don’t! You’re not getting off that easily!

Amelia: Am I going to get made fun of?

J-chan: If I said no, would it make you feel better? (removes all lethal weapons) Well, never mind that now. On with the fic!

All: NOOOO!

J-chan: Oh, pipe down already! The show must go on! Here we go! (smacks those who try to run)

(Scenery changes to a lovely little meadow. They are all eating and talking and staring dreamily at the sky.)

Zelgadis: I object! This is stereotypical Slayers behavior! I demand a better plot!

J-chan: Shut up. I’m just getting started here.

(Suddenly, a huge freaky thing attacks them and eats all the food.)

Lina: HEY!

Gourry: Hey, all the food’s gone!

Lina: Elmekia Lance!

(The thing falls down.)

Amelia: Now we will see who this unjust thief is!

(The thing turns out to be Xelloss in a bunny suit.)

Xelloss: Well, hello, my friends! How are all of you?

Lina: HUNGRY! (smack)

Zelgadis: What kind of stupid plot is this?

(Lina beats up on Xelloss for a while until Valgaav shows up and tries to kill them.)

Filia: Valgaav! I told you to stay home!

Valgaav: But Mummy, I wanna destroy the world!

Filia: Not until you clean your room!

Valgaav: But Mummy—

Filia: Don’t you ‘but Mummy’ me! How many times do I have to tell you that play-time does not take precedence over your chores? Go straight home this minute and have that room spotless by the time I get there or I’ll give you the spanking of your second life!

Valgaav: Yes, Mummy. (pouts and leaves)

Zelgadis: What kind of dust are you on?

J-chan: Do you really want to know, Zel?

Zelgadis: Well, when you put it that way.....

Amelia: What’s going on, Miss Filia?

Filia: Oh, I’ve tried to discipline him, but he never seems to behave.

(A very large and ugly guy barges into the meadow, sword swinging.)

Guy: You stiffed me! I’m gonna cut your arms off and feed them to you!

Lina: Uh-oh.

Gourry: Huh?

Amelia: What didn’t you pay him for?

Lina: Can we please not discuss this right now? Flare Arrow!

Amelia: (as the guy falls smoking to the ground) But that’s not just, Miss Lina! You shouldn’t—

Lina: Shut up!

Amelia: WAAAAH! Mr. Zelgadis, she yelled at me! (cries all over Zel)

Zelgadis: I am going to get you for this, Miss Author, and I am going to get you good.

J-chan: (whistles innocently)

Gourry: Uh, what’s going on?

Lina: Oh, just the usual.

(Xelloss extricates himself from the bunny suit and randomly dons a tutu.)

Xelloss: (sings) Stay on the sunny side, always on the sunny side.....

Zelgadis: Just kill me now.

J-chan: Nope. I promised not to do any tragedy, remember?

Zelgadis: Damn!

Filia: Maybe I should go home now.

Amelia: But why so soon, Miss Filia?

Xelloss: (pausing in his happy dance) Because she wants to get away from the depressing chimera in the corner.

Filia: No, that’s not it at all!

Zelgadis: You purple fruitcake Mazoku!

Xelloss: (brightly) Yes?

Zelgadis: Get out of my sight! Now! I’m sick of that cute smile!

Xelloss: You mean this? (cute smile)

(Zelgadis grabs the hapless monster by the ruffled skirt and stomps on him.)

Zelgadis: Take this!

Xelloss: Oh,—Oof!—dear.....

J-chan: Let’s not fight, you guys. It isn’t nice.

(Everybody gangs up and begins to chase J-chan around the meadow, waving pitchforks and torches.)

J-chan: Ack! No! Violence is not the answer!

All: DIE, SADISTIC WRITER!

J-chan: Now, let’s not be hasty.....Wait a sec! Why am I running? I’m the writer! I’m your boss!

Lina: Oh, yeah! Well we’re on strike!

J-chan: You can’t be on strike in Japan!

Zelgadis: YOU’RE our writer, and YOU’RE in America!

J-chan: Damn!

(They chase her off. Sounds of mass carnage.)

J-chan: I must use my Author’s Magic! Stupidity beyond Power Rangers, terror beyond Barney’s ghost.....

All: NOOOO! WE’LL BEHAVE! WE’LL BEHAVE!

J-chan: Awww.....the Character Slave is so fun to cast, and I didn’t get to finish, dammit! Party-poopers all! Well, back to the fic!

(They trudge grumbling back into the meadow and resume their prior activities. Then, a very big platypus begins to chase them around the meadow.)

J-chan: Let’s see how you like my magic-proof platypus! (twisted glee)

(Eventually, J-chan tires of the platypus, so it steps on Gourry and leaves.)

Gourry: Medic.....

Amelia: You justice-hating monster!

J-chan: Why, yes! That is right! I am, in truth—MAZOKU! (strips off mask)

Xelloss: My fiancée?!

Filia: Your WHAT?!!

Xelloss: Now, Filia, it’s not—Ouch!—my—Ow!—mother—Oof!—arranged it—OUCH!

Filia: You—you—NAMAGOMI!

Xelloss: Does this mean we’re back on intimate terms? GACK!

(J-chan leaps to Xelloss’s rescue, tying Filia up and stealing her tea.)

J-chan: Are you all right?

Xelloss: Quite. So.....the sadistic writer is my fiancée. I can live with this. Although I truly love Filia, your personality is much like mine. (pause) Did I just say that?

J-chan: Crowd-pleaser. Besides, I, as the author, happen to believe you do.

Xelloss: Well, then, I shall not contradict you, J-sama.

(Zelas suddenly appears and glowers menacingly at Xelloss.)

Zelas: You are to refer to no one else but me with that honorific!

Xelloss: Please forgive me, Beastmaster Zelas-dono.

(Mollified, she leaves.)

Zelgadis: This is the single stupidest plot I have ever had the misfortune to be included in.

Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, I’m frightened!

Zelgadis: (sweatdrop)

(Filia, pissed, transforms, breaking the ropes. She makes a beeline for Xelloss.)

Xelloss: Uh-oh.

(CRASH)

(Filia proceeds to trash the meadow and all the surrounding forest in her attempt to get at the Mazoku. Lina grabs Gourry to use as a shield.)

Gourry: Hey! Lina! Do you wanna get me killed?

Lina: Be quiet! At least it would be for a good cause!

Filia: XELLOSS! GET BACK HERE!

(Zelgadis gets knocked into Amelia’s lap.)

Amelia: Save me, Mr. Zelgadis! (glomp)

Zelgadis: Eep!

(Suddenly, the scene begins to slowly fade out.)

Amelia: AAAH! What’s happening?

Lina: Come quick! Our writer collapsed!

Zelgadis: Thank you, God.

Filia: (de-transforming) Miss Author? Are you all right?

J-chan: Losing.....inspiration.....

Gourry: (coming over to look) Is she dead?

Amelia: Oh, no! If she loses her inspiration, she’ll die, and then we’ll all disappear!

Zelgadis: (muttering) Personally, I’d rather.....

Amelia: But she’s dying!

Xelloss: (finally back in his normal clothes) Oh, my. This simply will not do at all. If she were to die, my Lord Beastmaster would be most upset.

(Xelloss bends down and performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.)

Filia: (incoherent outrage)

(The scene snaps back into focus as J-chan gets many, many ideas all at once. Lina grows actual boobs, Amelia and Gourry suddenly think they’re a pair of mating goldfish, and multicolored flying chimpanzees abduct Zelgadis. J-chan *ahem* restrains most of the other ideas before they get out of hand.)

J-chan: I feel refreshed!

Zelgadis: (in the distance) Help!

J-chan: Well, sadly, I have to end this fic. The ideas are mostly for tragedy. I’ll be seeing you there!

All: NOOOOO!

(Wails from Zel’s direction.)

J-chan: Well, that’s all, folks!

Lina: Oh no it’s not! You don’t do this to my friends and get away with it!

J-chan: Hey, I notice you're not complaining about your new hooters! (pause) Uh-oh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

THE END

A/N: Well, like? Yes, no? Maybe so? Tell me whatcha think! ^-^ Maybe I'll do a sequel!