“Seiya, and Other Observations”

A Character Study of Seiya Kou
	Complimented with Poetry by T.S. Eliot

Written by Kotetsu 



Timeframe:  Between episodes 189 and 190 of Sailor Stars
Notes: *this* denotes emphasis
Disclaimer: Poetry copyrighted by Thomas Stearns Eliot;
	Sailormoon and company copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi
Feedback, onegai?  Kotetsu@bishoujosenshi.com
Shameless plug: visit http://www.angelfire.com/in3/starlight





_______________________________________________________

Twelve o’clock.
Along the reaches of the street
Held in a lunar synthesis,
Whispering lunar incantations
Dissolve the floors of memory
And all its clear relations,
Its divisions and precisions,
Every street lamp that I pass
Beats like a fatalistic drum,
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory
As a madman shakes a dead geranium.

		~ “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”

_____________________________________________________


	I just needed to get out of the apartment for a while, that’s all.  
Away from their penetrating eyes and their sympathetic words and their 
pitying stares at the back of my head.  I think that when I return I will 
be in need of that sympathy; but right now, it’s better to be alone.  

	I can only *think* when I’m really alone.

	Unfortunately, the old saying is true  - the city never sleeps.  I 
wander for an hour before I find a somewhat deserted alleyway, which 
shelters me from the glare of the streetlights and the staring of the 
people, and the maddening sounds of their thudding footfalls and grating 
voices and shrieking laughter.  I’ve never been like the other two; I’ve 
never disliked being in a crowd before.  But tonight is different.  
Tonight, I think that I understand them both a little bit better.

	Tonight, I allowed myself to feel real pain for the first time 
since . . .  

	No, don’t think about that.

	Think, but not about *that*.
	
	I have escaped the streetlights, but not the ever-present glow of 
the full moon.

	Full moon.

	Why tonight, of all nights?!  The absolute last thing that I need 
tonight.  Moonlight.  Brilliant, glaring, a constant reminder of something 
that I would rather forget.  That I need to forget.  That they tell me that 
I need to forget.  Because I’m a fool, I’ve lost my true self, I’ve lost my 
mission, I’ve lost my loyalty, and I’ve lost my memories, it was all 
washed away by the light of the accursed moon.

	They couldn’t be more wrong. 


_____________________________________________________

“Do
“You know nothing?  Do you see nothing?  Do you remember 
“Nothing?”

I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.
“Are you alive, or not?  Is there nothing in your head?”

		~ “The Waste Land”

_____________________________________________________


	There are two memories that remain so vivid, so clear, that I 
can see them dancing behind my eyelids when I squeeze them shut to 
block out the light of the moon.

	Her red eyes, when she said her farewell to us.

	*Her* blue eyes, when she saw me in my true form.

	I know what they think about me, right now.  What they’re 
talking about back there, what they’re worrying about.  I wish they 
wouldn’t worry about me.  It’s not good for them.  It’s my problem and 
mine alone.  They should stay out of it!  If there’s one thing that I hate 
more than anything, it’s the fact that I’ve become a burden to them.

	My back hurts.  I lean against the wall of the alley, resting it.  
What did I come out here to do, anyway?  Oh, yeah.  To think.  To 
make a decision.

	But it’s hard to make an objective decision, especially when 
I’m being bathed by the silvery glow of the moonlight.  She might as 
well be right here beside me, entwining her arms into mine and brushing 
her soft lips against my rough cheek.  You see, the moonlight has the 
same glow, the same *shine*, that she has inside of her.  That same 
shine that surrounds her like an glowing white aura, or sometimes just 
collects around her head like an angelic halo.

	That’s funny . . . I wonder if anybody else can see it. 


_____________________________________________________ 

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

		~ “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

_____________________________________________________


	I haven’t lost my memories.  To the contrary.  I’ve been trying 
to escape them since we arrived on this planet; and I’ve met with little 
success.  Even when I moon over my beloved (if you will pardon the 
pun), there’s still an echo of something else

	someone else

	in the background.  She stirs my memories with her smile, with 
her laugh, with her cheerfully twinkling eyes.  Maybe I’m just a 
masochist at heart; or maybe they’re right, I’m just a fool.  Whatever 
the case, I know that I can’t stay away from her.  Like a moth to the 
flame, here I go again . . . Only this time, I’m going all the way.  I won’t 
listen to anyone who tells me otherwise.  I’m done with listening, done 
with thinking, done with confusing the images of two different women in 
my head.

	Tomorrow, I will share my memories with her.  And then I will 
hug her close to me, and tell her that I love her, and kiss her.

	Strange, isn’t it?  The crazy ideas that people come with.  It 
must be because of the full moon.

	And if she won’t love me . . . 


_____________________________________________________

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, and some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all” --
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;
	That is not it at all.”

		~ “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

____________________________________________________		  

	I won’t think about *that*, either.

	They always say that you should look before you leap, or 
something like that.  Me?  Leaping without thinking is what has kept me 
alive for the past several years.  If there’s one thing that I’ve learned 
tonight, it’s that thinking is painful.  Memories can be painful, too.  But 
at least you don’t have to *think* about memories, if you just let them 
flood in and drown you.  And sometimes, they can be kind of nice.  
Like if you’ve got a girl that you love more than anything and anybody 
in the galaxy; and if she brings back memories of another woman that 
you love more than anything and anybody in the galaxy, well then, that’s 
even better.  Better to lose yourself in her warm embrace and the 
swirling pool of your own memories, than to face

	the reality 

	that you might never see her again

	no, no, no, don’t go there

	come on, don’t be stupid

	you promised yourself that you wouldn’t cry.


_____________________________________________________

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

		~ “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

_____________________________________________________


	I have survived the greatest evil to ever threaten the galaxy; I 
have traversed the cosmos in less time than it takes to blink an eye; I 
have loved, and lost, and found love again; I have danced among the 
stars and I have danced on the solid earth of distant planets and I have 
danced in battle with my enemies and I have danced in peace with my 
friends.  Tomorrow I will dare to disturb the universe once again.  And 
what happens, happens.  I can take whatever fate decides to throw at 
me.  I’m stronger than fate, stronger than destiny.  I lived when 
everybody else died.  I loved when everybody else was afraid to love.  
I have fought when others were afraid to fight.  And I have smiled and 
laughed while others cried.

	If there’s one thing that I’m proud of, it’s that I never cried.

	Shhhhh!  Listen, do you hear that?  It’s that infernal noise again, 
the noise of the people on the street.  I think I understand why I hate 
them tonight.  It’s because I’m jealous.  They’re all so happy and 
carefree, especially the couples.  The lovey-dovey couples, the way 
that they hold each other close and gaze into each other’s eyes as if the 
Most Fascinating Things in the Universe are the small black pupils of 
their significant other.

	Don’t they know that their planet is dying?

	No, of course not.  They can’t know.  And we won’t let them 
know.  As long as there’s a reason to hope, there’s no reason to resign 
yourself to the inevitable.

	That’s why I will keep on playing my music, and keep on 
singing, and keep on loving my Odango.  Even if this planet crumbles 
underneath us and the buildings collapse around us and the skies fall 
from above, I will continue to laugh and to sing and to dance and to 
love.  I will laugh in the face of my enemy, just like I always have. 
And if that means that I will eventually drown in the sea of my own
illusions, then that’s fine with me.

	Because, you see,

	I have no other way to cope.

____________________________________________________

A woman drew her long black hair out tight
And fiddled whisper music on those strings
And bats with baby faces in the violet light
Whistled, and beat their wings
And crawled head downward down a blackened wall 
And upside down in air were towers
Tolling reminiscent bells that kept the hours
And voices singing out of empty cisterns and exhausted wells.

		~ “The Waste Land”





			The End