RATING: PG I guess

DISCLAIMER: *on the phone* I have to do it?  I still have to say it?  WHY?!  
For the love of-Lawyers?  What do lawyers have to do with this?  Money? No, 
I don't have any of it.  Oh.  Oooooh.  Yes, I understand. Thank you, good 
bye. *hangs up phone* Bad news, minna, Naoko-sama says we still can't claim 
it.

Quote of the Week: "Unfortunately, regret is a part of human existence. To 
defeat it, you must confront your fears before the opportunity is lost. If 
you wait, the regret will eat away at you for the rest of your life."
- Clint Greenleaf

STILL HOLDING OUT FOR YOU

 <Never thought I'd be in this place,> 

Mamoru stood back and watched; it was all he could do now.  She still talked 
and laughed with her friends, went shopping and ate...but he wasn't with her 
anymore.  He couldn't be a part of her life now.

 <It's someone else's life I'm living,> 

It was as though he was the outsider looking in on her life.  He was now all 
those other guys who had watched her from afar, but never dared approach 
her.  Though this time, he came slightly closer than before...

 <Wish I were living a lie.> 

...and pulled away just as quickly.  He couldn't touch her, couldn't be near 
her, couldn't see her without the ominous presence hanging over his head, 
daring him to touch her, be near her, at only the cost of her life.

 <The hardest part is when the bough breaks,> 

Usagi choose that moment to turn around and waved goodbye to her friends and 
started on home, when she was out of sight of her friends, she came into 
sight of Mamoru.  His heart began to beat faster as she gazed at him, 
trembling.

 <falling down and then forgiving,> 

Mamoru took one step towards her and reached out to touch her hand, but 
pulled back just as quickly.  An image came into his head.  One of death, 
destruction and sadness.  He watched as Serenity was ripped away from him.  
And he turned away from Usagi and he ran.

 <you didn't kiss me goodbye.> 

In his vision, his nightmare that now ruled his life, they were about to 
kiss, and as he looked back, he desperately wished that, just now, they had. 
  That she had gone out on a whim and kissed him goodbye...or that he had.  
To just ONCE ignore that damned dream...

 <I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say> 

...and tell her he loved her, he needed her.  To stop holding it in and to 
embrace her warmly, to kiss her and say everything he wanted to, and as he 
turned around to look at her just once more, he saw her eyes fill with hope 
and tears, and he suddenly couldn't do it.

 <and pray I get the chance one-day> 

He turned and her ran again.  He could hear her sobs as he ran, and he tried 
to block them out of his mind, and out of his heart; but it wouldn't work.  
He could see her face, he could feel her heart breaking and he could feel 
her fall to her knees in prayer, asking for an answer.

 <I still run, I still swing open the door> 

Mamoru heard the knock, how light it was and jumped up.  It was Her.  She 
had come to see him.  He straightened his shirt and brushed back his hair as 
he threw open the door, and came face to face with a small, pink-haired 
child.

 <I still think, you'll be there like before> 

Mamoru felt his hope deflate even more when he saw a wisp of blonde hair 
disappear beyond the hall, and tried not to look disappointed.  "Chibi-Usa."

 <Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around> 

He watched the child color on his floor and hum.  Mamoru studied her as she 
giggled, kicked her feet, bit the tip of her tongue and even cursed (AN: 
Chibi-Usa swears quite often!) as she drew her picture.  He smiled at her.

 <Something's the heart won't listen too> 

"What are you drawing, Chibi-Usa?" Mamoru asked quietly as he bent over to 
see what the child was doing.

She looked up and blinked innocent candy-colored eyes as Usagi knocked on 
the door.  She thrust the picture in his hand and smiled, putting a finger 
to her lips as she put her shoes on and ran out the door. "I'm coming, 
Usagi!" Chibi-Usa yelled

 <I'm still holding out for you> 

He looked down at the picture Chibi-Usa had handed to him, and his heart 
almost stopped.  In very childish handwriting, were the words, "You are sad 
when she's not with you.  Now she is."

In the pictures, his Usako was smiling at him, for him.  He clutched the 
picture close and wondered how a child could see through him, and know just 
what he needed to feel better.  He smiled slightly as he sank to the floor 
with the picture in his hands and a tear in his eye.

 <I can hear you smile in the dark,> 

Usagi turned over and over in her bed as she awaited sleep to take her over 
and pull her into the fathomless depths of bliss until she was forced to 
awaken again to reality.

And as she drifted off she heard something.  She could hear the one she 
loved near her.  He wasn't saying anything, but she knew he was happy for 
now.

 <I can even feel you breathing,> 

She was certain she was asleep when she heard soft breathing near her ear.  
It was too quiet to be Chibi-Usa, who never tried to be quiet anyway, and 
the words that were whispered to her were not from either Chibi-Usa or Luna. 
  She couldn't make sense of them...but she heard his whispers, and she 
could hear what he was whispering.

 <But daylight chases the ghosts.> 

"I love you..." Mamoru's voice whispered softly.

Usagi sat up in bed and looked to her side.  The feeling was gone, and she 
was sure she dreamed it.  She couldn't feel him anymore, and she couldn't 
hear his whispers.  She buried her face in her hands and wept.  She was so 
preoccupied with wishing her dreams true, that she didn't notice the gloved 
hand reach in and gently close her window.

 <I see your coat and I fall apart,> 

Chibi-Usa took Usagi's hand as the two walked down the street.  It was 
getting colder and she had forgotten to wear mittens to keep her hands warm. 
  Usagi smiled down at her and shook her head at the girl, she'd have to 
scold her later.  Her smile soon faded when she saw a familiar patch of 
black hair and a green coat.  She froze for a moment and stood there, 
staring at where she had seen it.

 <to those hints of you I'm clinging> 

Chibi-Usa looked up to her "onee-chan" and tilted her head slightly.  She 
looked in the direction that she was looking in, but saw nothing.  But she 
knew what it was when Usagi began to breathe deeply, almost as though she 
were gasping for breath.

 <now's when I need them the most> 

'It was...it might have been,' Usagi told herself as she tugged Chibi-Usa 
down the street with her.  She could feel herself slowly beginning to let 
her guard down.  Her eyes were filling with the all too familiar tears and 
she was wishing she had a stronger will, but that wasn't possible.

Chibi-Usa let go of her hand and watched as Usagi ran ahead of her and 
collapsed under a tree in the park.  She left her alone.

 <I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead...> 

She wiped her eyes again and again, but the tears still came.  It was a 
never-ending river of emotions as she tried to bury it all inside her again. 
  She looked up and saw the small pink haired child standing not too far 
off, looking scared and worried.

'I have to go on.  Chibi-Usa has no one but me, the Senshi and...Him.  For 
her, I have to put Him away.'

 <at least that's what you would have said.> 

The tears spilled over again and she bit her lip until she tasted the 
metallic blood.  'Now I'm even thinking like him...I know he would have said 
that to me, if he loved me or not.'

 <I still run, I still swing open the door.> 

Usagi ran to the door, hearing it knock again.  Just once...she could hope 
and pray it was him...just once it would be him to say something, anything 
to her.  Swinging open the door, Usagi let out a sigh when she saw who it 
was.

 <I still think you'll be there like before.> 

Shutting the door again, she leaned up against it, having signed for the 
package and tipped the man.  It wasn't him, it would never be him...ever, 
and that thought hurt more than anything else ever could.

 <Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around> 

She hadn't opened the door for weeks, she had always been too depressed to.  
But today she had to answer it, had to hope that he was the one on the other 
side of the door.

 <Something's the heart won't listen too> 

As she slid down against the door and buried her head in her knees, she 
desperately wished that her life hadn't taken this turn; that she didn't 
have to feel this pain she was feeling in side of her.

 <I'm still holding out for you.> 

But, she also knew, that if that had happened, she never would have 
experienced her Eden, even if it was so brief, she had been truly happy for 
a moment in time.  And for that, she would willingly hold onto heaven and 
hell for it just one more time.

 <Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep,> 

Mamoru was once again in his Usako's room as she slept, he was there almost 
every night, actually, trying to comfort her and himself at the same time.  
He knew that he was only torturing them both by doing this, but didn't care. 
  On Usagi's arm, he gently spelled out, in Kanji, her name.

Usako.

 <It's the only true comfort I feel> 

Knowing that he, and only he, would and could call her that gave him a sense 
of superiority among other men.  No matter what happened, for now, she was 
his, because that was what she wanted.  But even he knew, he couldn't hope 
for her to hold on forever.

 <I still run, I still swing open the door.> 

Mamoru frowned and pulled away from her, watching as she began to stir in 
her sleep, reaching for something she couldn't quite grasp.  She whimpered 
and Mamoru grit his teeth, forcing himself not to come closer.

 <I still think you'll be there like before.> 

Her eyes opened, and Mamoru gasped.  Usagi sat up and looked at him, eye 
wide and slightly frightened as he ran out of the room, jumped out the 
window and took off down the street.  Her face was pale as she quickly got 
dressed.

 <I still run, I still swing open the door.> 

Usagi ran.  She ran faster than she ever had before and prayed that she 
could catch him and find out what was wrong.  As she arrived at his 
apartment, she barged right in, not bothering to knock or wait for an 
answer.

 <I still think you'll be there like before.> 

But he wasn't there.

Usagi felt her heart rip again, and closed her eyes.  He was supposed to be 
there, supposed to have an explanation and tell her everything, and 
especially why he was watching over her while she slept.

 <Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around> 

Sinking to the floor, Usagi wrapped her arms around herself and silently 
cried out her pain to the walls of Mamoru's apartment. She rocked herself 
and cried until she finally drifted off to sleep, her questions still as 
unanswered as they had been a month ago, and now there were more.

 <Something's the heart won't listen too,> 

Mamoru appeared from the shadows, and bent down and scooped Usagi in his 
arms.  For now, it was this way, he would have to keep hurting her, leaving 
her questions unanswered, and not be there where she could see him.

 <I'm still holding out for you.> 

As he lay her down in her bed, Mamoru closed his eyes and leaned down so his 
lips were near her ear.  "I'll come back, just stay with me.  We'll be 
together again, promise."

As he left her room, again, Usagi smiled in her not quite so asleep state.