The sun was bright that day. And there were very few clouds in the sky, aside from those floaty one that look like marshmellows they told us about in science class. I couldn't remember the scientific name, but Koushiro probably did. I was almost sorry I wouldn't get to ask him.
Rather funny, isn't it? There I was, on the foot and a half wide ledge outside the thirty-second floor of an office building in downtown Tokyo, and all I was concerned about was knowing the names of those clouds that were going to witness my ultimate act of foolishness. I've been called stupid many times, but that time I was really pushing it.
I had long since slunk about five feet away from the window. I could hear people in the building, calling out to me to come back inside. They all had soothing voices, frightened voices, but I knew each one was fake. Thye just didn't want to have to scrape a young boy's guts off of their nice clean sidewalk below. One young man had even started out after me, but I threw a little piece of cement at him. He had quickly grabbed the windowframe and steadied himself, but he wasted no time going back through that window. Everyone was a little wary after that.
There were police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances in the street far below and many tiny figures I took to be pedestrians. It was all some sick show to them, I bet. If I jumped, they would have a story to tell their friends. If I turned away, they would have an excuse to believe in something like God.
God.
If there is anyone I wanted to beat up in my life, it would be Him and all his false promises of serenity. Where was He when we was called to save the world, no, TWO worlds, one of which I had never even known existed until the day my life was turned into one of those weird stories you hear about in the Twilight Zone. I've seriously considered the possibility that the Digiworld was an alternate universe and our Digimon were mirror images of ourselves in that universe.
But the fact of the matter is that God was useless then. All those people who had been captured by Myotismon, all those that witnessed our defeats and triumphs against the Dark Masters, I'm sure more than a few of them were religious and begged to God, their gods, whomever they prayed to and asked that He save them all.
But God didn't save them. WE did. And it was the belief in ourselves, not belief in Him, that allowed us to do so.
Maybe that was why I was on that building. I wanted to believe in God, with all my heart I did, but I couldn't. Maybe I was testing Him, asking Him to save me from the fall if He existed.
I wanted to believe in Him, because I had found it impossible to believe in myself anymore.
A woman stuck her head out the window and began to call my name.
Mom.
They knew who I was now. The game had gotten sicker. It had gotten personal.
She asked me why I was doing it. I laughed at her. She told me that she loved me and that I had a lot to live for. I flipped her off. She burst into tears then and started begging me to come back like a baby does for milk. I told her I was sorry she was sad, but I didn't want to go back.
I didn't want to go back to the empty days of disappointment. Because they were disappointing, to me and to everyone. In the Digiworld I had a purpose. I was well known and liked. Respected. Asked for advice. But in real life...
In real life I had failing grades, too-understanding parents, a younger sibling whom I truly loved but was not trusted to be around, and a smothering shitload of "moral support" piled on me everyday. I wanted them to get angry! I wanted them to yell at me, hit me, anything but the ceaseless patience. No one understood that I didn't need those penny-for-yours-thoughts peptalks or guidance counselors or anything like that.
Except him.
He understood, because while I was living one extreme, he was living the other.
He wasn't afraid to pound me when I needed pounding. And I relished the times we fought, lived for them. I'm not a masochist or anything; I hate being in physical pain. The thing is, in each of those fights, we bared our souls to each other. We banished self-control and all those other stupid things human beings have developed for social situations to oblivion and it was just the two of us and our frustrations and anger and all things about ourselves we hated and despised.
I loved him for that. I still love him for that.
After I met him, everything started to get better. My grades improved, my parents backed off; I really started to make something of myself.
But like all good things, it wasn't going to last forever. Sometimes I almost have to belief there is a God, because I don't know how any human could hold the ability to be that cruel without going insane. Or maybe God was already insane. That certainly would have explained a lot.
We drifted apart, he and I. No more world crisises where there to bind our souls together, and our lives began to split. First we had different classes in middle school. Then he ended up getting accepted into a high school in another district. Sometimes I waited for him at the station, only to remember he had already left at least an hour earlier.
I missed him. We still got together every now and then, but it wasn't enough.
And things started to diminish again.
Because I really loved him, in every sense of the word.
And I needed him, more than anything else, more than the love of my parents, the respect of my peers, the approval of my teachers. But he wasn't there, he couldn't be there.
And I think it hurt him as much as it did me.
But that was just one more thing that tacked onto my list of reasons for being on that ledge.
My dad came to the window next. He said something about a visitor, but I didn't pay attention. I didn't really care.
That is, until I realized what my father meant.
"Yagami you bastard, you get your sorry ass back in here this instant!!"
I smiled. So he did come.
I laughed once, a weird laugh that sounded almost like a sob. "Why don't you join me?" I asked him in a voice that didn't sound like my own. "The view is wonderful."
And what he did next surprised me. He actually complied. "No, Matt!" someone screamed from inside, but he payed them no heed and slipped his long legs gracefully out the window. I had always admired his beauty and agility, even in awkward teenaged puberty.
In a few eyeblinks he was beside me, pressed so close to wall that not even an atom of air could fit between them. "Jesus, oh Jesus," he was whispering over and over. At length he cracked open one beautiful blue eye and stared straight at me.
"I don't suppose I ever told you I was afraid of heights, did I?" he mumbled in a shaky voice.
And suddenly I was laughing, really laughing. "No, you didn't," I agreed.
"Good. For future reference, I'm not."
"Right, Matt," I chuckled.
He breathed deeply a few times, then reached over and grabbed my arm. "You have no idea how bad I want to beat your ass right now," he told me. "You've got a lot of nerve, freaking everyone out like this."
I sighed and looked up at the sky. "I'm sorry...I might as well just go ahead and be done with it."
His grip tightened until it hurt. "That was not exactly the response I wanted. Tell me why you are doing this, Tai."
"Because I'm sick of life. I'm sick of failing, sick of patience, and I'm sick of missing you."
His hand released my arm, then slid down and laced with mine. "I miss you too," he sighed. "But that's not a reason."
I pulled my hand out of his. "What do you know anyway?" I snapped. He looked at me incredulously. Suddenly I felt foolish. "Oh," I mumbled.
"I tried a stunt like this once right after Mom and Dad split up," he explained quietly. "Of course, I didn't have your taste for skyscrapers..." I blinked in surprise; I hadn't known this. He was trembling slightly. "It's why I'm afraid of heights. I was just about to turn back when I fell." He shook his head. "I was young then, and hadn't chosen anywhere near high enough to kill myself, but I did suffer a compound fracture in my leg and a broken collarbone." He looked me directly in the eye. "I was lucky. From this height, Taichi, you won't be."
I shrugged. "So what? I don't plan on surviving."
His face hardened. "I've climbed out here, explained to you why it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and you still don't understand."
"No, Matt, I don't. If you're not here to say good-bye, you might as well leave."
That made him angry. His eyes grew frosty and he gritted his teeth. "You bastard. You selfless, heartless bastard." I turned away. "No," he growled, then grabbed my face and made me look at him. "Now you listen to me, asshole," he hissed. "Things have been hard for me too. I feel really useless now just like you. Takeru doesn't need me anymore; he hasn't for a long time. We aren't needed to save the world anymore either. Things like this have crossed my mind multiple times. But I know what it feels like to fall, Taichi, and if you jump now, those last few moments of your life will be the worst you've ever experienced. You have never felt fear like that you will feel as you plummet towards your death. We were given fear for a reason, Taichi, so that we can save ourselves and those we love. As you fall, you will never be able to use that fear for a better good. I was able to survive my fall, and now I know why. I've been allowed to live so that I could come out here and help you realize the mistake you are making. You may think you're at the end of your rope, but I know that there is a lot more for you, Taichi. A lot more for us. I wouldn't be on this stupid ledge if there wasn't. Now get you stupid ass back in this building so I can kick ya around, because I'm going to have a heart attack if I'm out here for another five seconds."
And I'll never believe what I did next. I nodded and realized I was crying. "Take me back inside, Yamato," I sobbed. "I'm sorry..."
He smiled and breathed a sigh of relief, brushing a hand over his own wet eyes. Then he took my hand again and we started the slow trek back to the window.
I felt like someone famous. Everyone was cheering. I heard numerous people thanking God. Oh well, I suppose I gave them something to believe in.
Matt slid back into the window where I could see my parents, Kari and all the others waiting. I had started to lift my leg over the sill when it happened.
The cement below me crumbled like stale bread. I didn't even have to scream, everyone else was doing that for me.
"TAICHI!!!" I heard him shriek in terror. For a brief instant I was flying, weightless. I knew my life was over.
And I was afraid. I was so afraid. My life was going to end, and I had no way to stop it.
And then someone grabbed the waistband of my jeans, halting my descent. I looked up and into a pair of beautiful sky colored eyes. He was holding me by one arm, straining and nearly being pulled out the window with me.
"You stupid bastard," he hissed between gritted teeth. "Trying to slip one past me?"
Suddenly I was grabbed by many hands as everyone came forward to help. After a terrifying few seconds of dangling, I was pulled roughly into the building.
He and I collapsed together in a heap. I was sobbing like a baby, half with fear and half with relief.
He grabbed in a tight hug, tangling his slender fingers in my thick hair. "Oh, Taichi, Taichi, my Taichi," he was saying over and over; I could feel his tears wetting my skin. We were suddenly locked in a passionate kiss, completely oblivious that all our friends and family and half the business world of Tokyo was right there watching us.
Because I was his. Just like he was mine.
And I could tell nothing was ever going to change that again.