Misc Jokes

Irasshime mina-san. Do you want to laugh? Then you have come to the right place! You have stumbled upon my misc jokes page. Get ready to laugh and groan at some of these stupid jokes. Any new jokes that are added will be at the bottom.


1. A mushroom went to a party and asked a girl to dance. She said no and the mushroom said, "Come on! I'm a fungi!"

2. STUPID PHILOSOPHY
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

3. Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

4. Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."

The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!

5. Q. How are men and parking spaces alike?
A. All the good ones are gone and the only ones left| are disabled.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

6. A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

7. Rejected Children's Book Titles

- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

- Your Nightmares Are Real

- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

- Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

8. STUPID BUMPER STICKERS

Your honor student cheated off of my kid.

Be ALERT!!!!...The world needs more LERTS!

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Honk if you like Hanson.....And then drive into a tree.

My karma ran over your dogma.

9.Stupid Words of Wisdom
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. A guy walks into the vet's office with a hamster. He lays the hamster on the table and the doctor says, "I'm sorry, sir, but your hamster is dead." "I want a second opinion!" the man demands. So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "Well the cat says your hamster is dead," says the doctor. "Well I want a third opinion." So the doctor brings in a Labrador Retriever. The lab walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "The lab says your hamster is dead."
"OK, fine. What do I owe you?"
"$650" the doctor said.
"What?!? What for?" "Well, you owe me $50, but the other $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test."

11. Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

12. Two boys were hunting. After a few hours, they realized they were hopelessly lost.
The first boy said, "I heard somewhere that if you fire a shot into the air someone will come to your aid."
They fired one shot but nobody came. They fired again and again, to no avail. Starting to panic, the first boy said, "Try one more time."
His friend replied, "Okay, but were almost out of arrows."

13. How do you spot a redneck at Seaworld?
He's the one with the fishing pole?

14. Here are some REMARKABLY STUPID directions from real products...
On a bar of Dial bath bar...
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a bag of Fritos...
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a Korean kitchen knife...
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins...
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

15. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

16. This one is just soooooo dumb....
A guy is sitting at home watching TV. Then there is a knock at the door. And he gets up and opens the door, and there's a snail there.
The snail says "Gimme a hamburger" and the guy gets mad and kicks the snail.
(30 years later) The guy hears another knock at the door. It's the snail.. and he says "What'd you do that for?"

17. I hates to bring sad news, but I thought this needed to be told...
Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

18. There were these two guys, walking their dog's, one was a Doberman and one was a Chihuahua. As they were walking, they passed a bar and wanted to get in. But there was a sign in the window that said: NO PETS ALLOWED! So the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go in as blind men with seeing-eye dog's!" They agreed that the guy with the Doberman would go in first. The first guy told the guard that the Doberman was his seeing-eye dog, so he got in. When the second guy tried to get in, the guard said "Exuse me sir but, Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs!" The guy say's "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!!"

19.I actually think this one is pretty funny.
There was an airplane with 4 people on it -- the pilot, a minister, the smartest man in the world, and a boyscout. The plane starts to go down, but there were only 3 parachutes.

The pilot says, "I'm the most important man on this plane because I can report the crash." So he takes a parachute and jumps off.

The smartest man in the world says, "I'm the second most important man on this plane because my head is so full of important knowledge." So he takes a parachute a jumps off."

The minister says, "Go ahead, lad, and take the last parachute. I'm old and ready to die."

The boyscout says, "That won't be necessary sir, because you see the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack."

20. A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch...

21. Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and say, "Yep, diesel fitter."

22. A cop saw a car driving erratically and pulled the driver over. "Sir, I need you to breath in this breathalizer for me," said the policeman. The guy said, "I can't do that, office. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, then I'll have a really big asthma attack."
The cop said, "Okay, then I need you to come down to the station with me and we'll do some blood work." The guy said, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, then I will bleed to death."
The cop said, "Fine. Then I need a urine sample from you."
The guy replied, "I can't do that either. I'm diabetic. If I do that then my sugar will get REALLY LOW and I may die."
The cop then said, "Okay, okay! Then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line." The guy said, "Sorry, but I can't do that either." The frustrated cop said, "Why not!?" The guy said, "Because I'm drunk."

23. Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized
experimental procedure."
You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
To avoid a time-consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.

24. Things that Piss Me Off!
When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

25. Ways to say someone is stupid...
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
One fry short of a Happy Meal.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

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