Problems, Part I: The Negaverse Generals
My name is Jedite, and I really don't think I have a problem. In fact, the only reason I'm here is because Zoycite said we were going to Toys R Us. Which reminds me that you still owe me a new pink fluffy bunny after this meeting, Zoy. Yes, I admit it, I have an attraction to pink fluffy things. Maybe it's because I spend all my spare time with that James guy rearranging his pink furniture. I don't know. I guess Zoy brought me here because I'm so boring and stupid that sometimes......I..... fall.....zzzzzzzzzzzz.......(Zoycite pokes him with a stick.).....Asleep without realizing it. So I guess Zoy....has....had...enou-zzzzzzzzzz.
Yes, I have had enough! My name is Zoycite, and I am completely fed up with playing nursemaid to Sleepy the Stupid Dork. Ever since we died on TV, I've had to follow him around and poke him with a stick whenever he falls asleep. Not to mention what Dic did to me! (A bit of shameless advertising: read Zoycite's Dilemma for an example.) I don't understand what's so wrong about my love for Malachite! (Zoycite collapses sobbing on Jedite, who is startled awake and then proceeds to pat her back and say "There there, there...zzzzz...." She pushes him away disgustedly and collapses in the direction she had meant to, landing in Malachite's arms. However, Zoycite has gained weight, so he drops her and she falls on her butt. The resulting vibration shakes the floor and wakes Jedite up again. Unfortunately for him {but fortunately for us} he is only half awake and starts prancing around the room.)
Jedite:
I am the Invincible All Smart Infinitely Handsome Incredibly Mighty Awesomely Powerful All Knowing Unbeatable One who lives for ever! I can read your minds and psychically give you a wedgie if I don't like what I see! Fear me! (He yanks a purple velvet curtain off the window and drapes it around himself.) You are very privileged just to gaze upon my wondrous beauty! People come from miles around just to hear my inspiring speeches! Consider yourselves highly fortunate to hear one now! Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I'd truly like to be-e-e! 'Cause if I was an Oscar Meyer wiener, everyone would be in love with me! Now that I'm in the mood for speaking, I shall deliver another moving speech! My bologna has a first name, it's O-s-c-a-r, my bologna has a second name, it's M-a-y-e-r, 'cause Oscar Meyer has a way, with b-o-l-o-g-n-a! And for an encore: Hot dogs, Armor hot dogs, what kind of kids like.....Arm....or.....hot.....zzzzzzzz....(Zoycite tries to get up, but since Jedite drools in his sleep, she slips and falls down again, waking Jedite up enough to continue his prancing.) Where was I? Oh well, I suppose I will just have to quote from one of my favorite books. I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them wearing socks, I will not eat them with a goat, I will not eat them on a boat, I will not eat them in a coat, I will not eat green eggs and ham, I will not eat them, Sam-I-Am. I...will...not...zzzzz(Zoycite finally manages to get up.)
Zoycite:
See what I mean? I don't even think he quoted that right. (Jedite, drooling, can be heard muttering "No, no, mister Grinch, you can't steal Christmas, you can't! I've been really good this year! Honest!") I also think he has been hit in the head a few too many times. ("Hop on pop? How can you do such a thing!") Oh yeah. Way too many times. ("Horton! I believe you! I believe you!" {Zoycite stamps her foot, causing Jedite to half-awaken.}) Can we just chuck him out the window or something? (The half-asleep Jedite prances around indignantly.)Jedite:
How dare you talk that way to the Ever-living one! Off with her head!Zoycite:
What if I get rid of yours first?Jedite:
You cannot! I am the Unbeatable Jedi Master! (He pulls out a plastic light saber. Zoycite snorts, dodges the implement, and pushes him out the forty-story window.) AAAHHH!!!!! THIS IS MUTINY!!!! I SHALL RETURN AND AVENGE My-splat.Well, at least we finally got rid of him. My name is Malachite, and I have a few problems. For one, I am always blamed whenever someone I've trained screws up. It's not my fault if they're just stupid. I have also been cursed with probably the only uniform in the Negaverse that is missing a button. You would think that with all the power in the Dark Crystal they could at least produce a new button! Or a snap! Or a zipper! Or a hook! Or at least give me a safety pin! How about Velcro, people! Just peel and stick! Peel and stick! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! (He jumps out the window and yells "Jedite, I will be with you soon! Wait a minute. I wanna go back! I wanna go back!" He uses his little pink boomerangs to climb back into the room.)
Ooookay, I don't think I want to know. My name is Nephlite, and I'm mainly here to make sure that Zoycite asks for help with her weight problem. Just because I live in an old abandoned cathedral doesn't mean I have problems. At least one person I know thinks it's really cool. (He turns and winks at the writer.) Anyway, back to Zoy. Look at her. She can't even fit in one of these comfy chairs. Who's laughing now, fatty! AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Hysterical laughter.) What is everyone staring at?! Huh!? You want a piece of me?! Come on! Not so tough now, are you?! Stop staring at me!! Stop it stop it stop it stop it!!! I'm perfectly fine, I tell you!! Fine fine fine fine FINE!! AAAAAAAHA! AAAAAAAHA! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I am the marvelous Queen Beryl, Ruler of the Negaverse! Unfortunately, I seem to be much too tall. Come on people. I am at least a foot taller than lovely, magnificent, strikingly handsome Prince Darien, who should be ruling by my side. I also can't seem to stop waving my hands over this crystal ball whenever I'm sitting down. Watch. (She stands up and stops waving her arms. She then sits down and immediately starts waving them again.) You see? How am I supposed to rule the Negaverse if I can't stop looking like a chicken with a broken wing? (She is then interrupted by Jedite's return. Zoycite looks up from shoving a T-bone steak in her face to yell "Mph! Mirf morf meef!" Everyone looks at her, confused. She swallows her mouthful and repeats herself. "Hey! I killed you!")
Jedite:
Oh contraire, me amigo. I've said it once and I'll say it again. I cannot be killed!Zoycite:
Let's test that theory! (Malachite uses a pink boomerang to chop off Jedite's head, which rolls out the window, and Zoycite uses her flower petals to push his body after it. There are two answering splats, followed by a horn blowing and a crunch as both pieces are run over by an eighteen wheeler. Zoycite turns around to go back to eating her steak, only to find Serena eating it. Both girls bite into it and start wrestling.)Nephlite:
I just remembered, Zoycite, thanks a lot for killing me!Zoycite:
Neffy, that was just acting! You know, TV?Nephlite:
Oh really? CHEESE!!!! CHEESE!!!!! CHEESE!!!!! (He starts hacking Zoycite up with a sword.)Malachite:
Stop at once!Nephlite:
You're not the boss of me! MOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (He starts hacking up Malachite.)Beryl:
I need to go, um, wave my arms at home. (Before she can leave, Nephlite hacks her up, along with Jedite, who has returned, and dumps the pieces outside.)