Problems, Part II: The Doom Tree

Alan: Shut up, Ann, I'm trying to talk! Anyway-

Ann: I'm Ann!

Alan: I know that! They know that! SHUT UP!!!!!! Oh great, now I forgot what I was going to say.

Ann: I'm Ann!

Alan: I guess she's stuck. (He smacks Ann upside the head.)

Ann: Thank you for choosing self-destruct and ending this monotonously ludicrous mess. This Ann will explode in five seconds. 5.....4.....3......2....1.....0. Bye-bye!

Alan: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Then he notices a badly stifled giggle coming from a shadowy corner.) That wasn't funny!

Ann: (Coming out of the shadowy corner.) Yes..*giggle*...it was!

Alan: ERG!!!! Oh well, I have an idea. Let's conquer Hawaii! (The pair transports to Hawaii and unpacks their foldable chairs. Alan sips from a coconut with a straw and one of those neat little paper umbrella thingys in it.) Ahhhh. Since those stupid Sailor Scouts didn't just happen to be here, we can get a decent tan.

Malachite: (Seeming to come from nowhere.) One question. How exactly would you tan green skin?

Alan: Wha......?

Ann: AAAHHHH!!!!!! I'm turning purple!

Zoycite: (Looking like a beached whale in a bikini.) It's a good thing I'm not green.

Nephlite: It's a bad thing that you look like a beached whale in a bikini.

Zoycite: Hey!

Nephlite: Don't look at me! The author said it first!

Author: Tee hee! Free Willy!

Jedite: (Talking to a snapping turtle and holding a lollipoo.) Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the chocolatey center of a Tootsie Pop?

Malachite: What's a lollipoo?

Jedite: Hello? Mr. Turtle? ("Mr. Turtle" snaps down on Jedite's hand.) OOOWWW!

Malachite: (Jedite is running around in circles and finally dissappears into a clump of trees.) What is a lollipoo?!

Jedite: (Returning, minus a turtle, a finger, and a lollipoo.) Lollipoo! Lollipoo!

Malachite: WHAT IS A LOLLIPOO?!

Nephlite: Hey Zoycite, what'd you do with Jonah?

Zoycite: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! (She grabs a fish by the tail and swings it at Nephlite, but at the last second he ducks and Jedite gets WHAPPED!)

Jedite: Nightie-night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ............

Malachite: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHAT IS A LOLLIPPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nephlite: "Lollipoo" only has one "P", Malachite.

Jedite: ZZZzzz....Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-....zzzzzzzzz. (Everyone stares at him in awestruck silence.)

Zoycite: (Kicking Jedite awake.) Since when did you start quoting poetry?!

Jedite: Wha? I only know one poem.

Zoycite: Out with it, then!

Author: Bad idea.

Nephlite: How do you know?

Author: I know everything, and I control what you say and do.

Zoycite: Do not!

Author: Do too.

Zoycite: Prove it! (She immediately stands on her head.) I love lollipoos, you love lollipoos, if we didn't eat lollipoos, we'd be lame!

Malachite: If you know everything, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS A LOLLIPOO?!

Nephlite: I still want to hear the poem.

Jedite: Okay! We gave you a chance, to water the plants, we didn't mean that way- now zip up your pants.

Alan: Am I still here?

Author: Sort of. You're here, but you're not involved.

Alan: Good.

Zoycite: What was that?!

Alan: Just another self-destructing Ann. (He looks around to find the real Ann.) Where is she?

Malachite: EEW! I have green and purple stuff in my hair!

Zoycite: (Malachite can be heard muttering, "I just bleached my roots, too!") Sid anyone notice that Jedite hasn't died yet?

Alan: Who's Sid?

Zoycite: Who mentioned Sid?

Alan: You sid.

Zoycite: Sid not.

Malachite: Sid anyone notice that domething is werribly trong?

Nephlite: Pobody's nerfect.

Malachite: I know, but his tis moo tuch.

Zoycite: Aey huthor, yan cou mop staking pypos, tlease? (677777777yyuh7hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Malachite: Whey, hat thas wat?

Author: y67t....What? Oh, sorry. The total lack of plot made me fall asleep on the keyboard. By the way, when Ann exploded, Jedite imploded.

Malachite: What's that mean?

Author: It's the opposite of exploding. He's dead.

Nephlite: Now you are too, shamu! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! (He chops up Zoycite.) You too, button man! MAAAAYYYYOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (He chops up Malachite.) We can't forget you, greenie! NAAAAAARF!!!!!!! (He chops up Alan.) Now I'm the only one, haha haha ha ha, I rule the Negaverse, haha haha ha ha! (He doesn't notice Amethyst and Nightshade arrive.)

Nightshade: Ahhhh. Finally, a romantic vacation to celebrate our victory over Sailor Moon....... hey, who's that nut?

Amethyst: It's Nephlite! (A giant seagull swoops down and grabs Neffy.)Okay, was.