Disclaimer: I do not own The Slayers or The Princess Bride. I write this with apologies to William Goldman, "S. Morgenstern," and the whole Slayers scene. I submit this story to those wonderful people who love both The Slayers and The Princess Bride and I hope it meets with their approval. And above all, Please Don't Sue Me!

"Phibrizo, honey," L-sama said, coming into the room. "Sheesh, it looks like Hell broke loose in here."

"It did. What do you want, Mother," the young Hell Master asked.

"I heard you were sick so I thought I'd read you a book," the greatest of all demons said. "It's one of my favorites so I hope you'll like it."

"Is there any gore in it?"

"Of course, dear," L-sama smiled.

"What's it called?"

"The Princess Dragon."

Once upon a time there was a dragon maiden named Filia. She lived at the temple of the Fire Dragon King. Also living at the temple was a boy named Xelloss, but Filia never called him that.

"Monster boy, sweep the floor," she commanded. He would smile and comply. He always did as she asked. "Monster boy, why do you always listen to me?"

"Now, that is a secret," he said. That was all he ever said to her.

"Monster boy, why do you stay at the temple?"

"Now, that is a secret," but when he said that she suddenly realized what he was really saying was "because I love you." And then she realized that she loved him, too.

Xelloss had no money for marriage, so he decided to travel abroad to make his fortune. He promised Filia he would be back for her.

"I love you so much," Filia said. He held her in his arms.

"I love you, too," he said, kissing her goodbye.

"Wait, wait, wait . . ." Phibrizo held up his hands in disgust. "Is this a kissing book?! Where's the blood and guts!? Where's the gore?"

"It's coming! Now shut up or I'll destroy you by blinking my eyes," L-sama chided.

"Yes Mother."

While Xelloss was at sea his ship was attacked by the Dred Bandit Killer Inverse, who never left captives alive. When Filia learned that Xelloss had been murdered she vowed never to love again.

"Murdered by bandit killing pirates is good," Phibrizo said happily.

"With one thing and another, five years past," L-sama continued.

Prince Valgarv of Sayrun addressed his people. "My bride to be was once a commoner like yourselves. Perhaps you will not find her so common now. Allow me to present to you, the princess, Filia." Filia strode out of the palace to walk amongst the people. They were astounded by her charm and beauty and loved her right away.

Filia did not love Valgarv. The law of the land gave him the right to choose his bride, and he assured her that she would grow to love him. That afternoon Filia went riding.

"Hello, my lady," a tall, extremely well endowed woman called from the ground. On one side of her stood a man with blue, rocky skin. On the other side, a tall, blonde man with a vacant expression on his face. Filia stopped her horse. "We are but poor circus performers. Could you tell us if there is village near by? Oh ho ho ho ho ho!"

"There is nothing near by, not for miles," Filia answered.

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream. Oh ho ho ho ho ho!"

The stony man knocked her unconscious. The large breasted woman tore a piece of cloth and stuck it on Filia's empty saddle. "Now Sayrun and Sairag will surely go to war, since Prince Valgarv will think a Sairag soldier stole his bride. Oh ho ho ho ho ho!"

Filia awoke on a boat with her three assailants. "Where are you taking me?"

"To the Sairag frontier," the stony man said.

"Shut up, Zelgadis. I told you not to talk to the prisoner," said the woman.

"What ever you say, Naga," Zelgadis said, rolling his eyes.

"Uh . . . guys! I think we're being followed," the blonde guy said.

"Inconceivable. Gourry, it must be a figment of your imagination," Naga said tartly. Filia also saw the boat following them and jumped overboard. "After her," Naga shouted.

"I can't swim," said Gourry.

"I sink," said Zelgadis.

"Urgh!"

Just then they heard more splashing and an eerie laughter. "Hear that, highness," Naga called. "Those are the laughing, man-eating Fish people that live in these waters." The laughing grew louder. "They're always loudest when they are about to have dragon cuisine."

"She dies here," said L-sama.

"Yay, gore at last!"

Zelgadis pulled Filia out of the water.

"Hey! I thought you said she died!?"

"I lied."

"Look! The Cliffs of Insanity!" Naga cried, pointing. (I couldn't change their name. Slayers is insane.)

They steered the ship right up next to the shore. Then Zelgadis grabbed Filia around the waist, while Naga and Gourry held on to his shoulders. "Levitation!" he shouted. The group rose slowly towards the top of the cliffs.

"Uh, the figment of my imagination is still following us," said Gourry. Naga looked down to see a man in purple climbing the cliffs like an animal. His pace was rapid and he was gaining on them.

"Inconceivable!" Naga shouted.

"Oh, just shut up," Zelgadis growled.

They reached the top of the cliffs. "Zelgadis, you carry the girl and come with me. Gourry, you stay here and deal with the Man in Purple," Naga said. She, Zelgadis, and Filia hurried away.

The Man in Purple reached the top of the Cliffs of Insanity, panting. He drew his sword. "It's okay, we can rest a bit before we battle," said Gourry. "You seem tired."

"Thank you," said the MIP. They sat down on two rocks.

"Pardon me for asking, but are you a tall, redheaded, sorcerer that looks really bad in a miniskirt?" Gourry asked.

"You're not real bright, are you," the MIP said. Gourry shook his head, confused. "I have purple hair, see? And I'm not so tall. And I'm certainly not wearing a miniskirt ."

"Oh, okay. He killed my father. Shall we begin our duel?" They drew their swords and began. "You're very good," Gourry said after a while. "Better than me."

"Then why are you smiling?" the MIP countered.

"This isn't my real sword." With that, Gourry removed the blade of his sword. "Light come forth!"

"Ah, but I know a bit of magic myself," said the MIP. "Sleep!" Magic leapt from the MIP's hand and Gourry fell over and went to sleep. "That was too easy," said the MIP, and continued on his way.

"Inconceivable! He's still following us. Zelgadis, give her to me and deal with that purple masked fiend."

"Sure thing, Naga."

The MIP reached Zelgadis. "Ilmekia Lance!" The MIP dodged the attack.

"So that's how you want to play," said the MIP. "Powers that bind, Grant me my desire, Lord Ruby Eye, Demon of fire. Turn this man, Into the statue he resembles, With the force, Beneath which the world trembles." Zelgadis was frozen where he stood. "Don't worry," the MIP said cheerfully. "It'll wear off in a couple of hours." He continued on his way.

When he caught up to Naga she was sitting on a stump with a dagger to Filia's throat. "Come any closer and I'll kill her. Oh ho ho ho ho ho!"

"Ahh! That laugh! It's killing me!" groaned the MIP.

"Lets have a spell casting contest," said Naga. "Winner keeps the princess. A battle of Magic! To the Death!"

Prince Valgarv studied the area atop the Cliffs of Insanity. "A great duel must have been fought here," he said.

"How do you know?" asked Garv, his right hand ugly guy in a miniskirt. (You've all seen that horrible picture, right? **shudder**) Valgarv shrugged.

" You should know better than to challenge Naga the White Serpent when death is on the line! Oh ho ho ho ho ho . . ." thud. Naga fell over dead.

"That was really too easy," the MIP said.

"How did you do that!?" Filia asked. "You must be evil." She took out Mace-sama, which she'd just remembered she had and knocked down into a ravine.

As he tumbled he said: "That is a secret!"

"Oh my dear Xelloss, what have I done?" With that Filia followed suit and rolled into the ravine.

"Filia, I missed you."

"I thought you were dead." They kissed lovingly.

"Ewe, gross. More Kissing!"

"Shut up, you unromantic lout," L-sama said tartly.

Prince Valgarv stopped where Xelloss had battled Zelgadis. "Someone has defeated a Chimera," He stated mater-of-factly.

"How do you know this time," Garv asked. Once again Valgarv shrugged.

"We must hide," Filia said. "Prince Valgarv will surely find us if we stay here."

"My ship, the Dragon Slave, is just on the other side of the holy tree Flagoon. If we travel through the root tunnels to get to the other side he'll never find us," said Xelloss.

"But isn't it dangerous there," Filia said.

"We'll make it. True love is on our side," Xelloss said, taking her hand.

"Look! Someone killed Naga. Yay! No more scary laugh! No more scary laugh!" Valgarv danced around happily. Garv just sweat dropped.

"So tell me, how did you escape the Dred Bandit Killer Inverse," Filia said.

"I am the Dred Bandit Killer Inverse."

"Impossible. The Dred Bandit Killer Inverse was around before you left the temple." "Have you ever heard the saying 'Little girl, little breasts, scares the dragon from its nest,'" Xelloss asked.

Off in the distance he heard "Darkness beyond twilight . . ."

"Gomen, Lina-san, (sorry, miss Lina)" he said. "Any way, that is about the real Dred Bandit Killer Inverse. She passed the title on to me and retired, extremely rich, to Mypros island."

"Oh," said Filia. "Ahh! It's a RPOME!"

"A red priest of minimal eyesight!" Xelloss exclaimed, seeing Rezo. "Die!" Rezo fell to the ground as red light from his eyes consumed him. "That was too easy."

"Stay right where you are!" Valgarv shouted. "Shadow snap."

Xelloss and Filia were frozen in place. "Val, I'll come quietly if you promise not to hurt him," Filia said. Xelloss looked stricken. "I can't bare for you to die again."

Val rode up and pulled her up on the horse with him. He gave a sign to Garv and rode off. "No harm shall come to him," he said. "I promise."

As soon as they were out of sight, Garv knocked Xelloss unconscious.

Xelloss awoke in a dank dungeon. A young girl with dark purple hair brought him some food. "I am sorry for you," she whispered. "Lord Garv plans to test the Room on you."

"Sylphiel," Garv called, entering the dungeon. "Don't talk to the prisoner."

"Yes, Lord Garv," the girl gave a quick bow and left.

"Well, my young fellow, since this is the Room's first test, I want you to tell me exactly how this makes you feel," Garv said, dragging Xelloss toward a sturdy steel door. He threw him inside the Room and slammed the door.

Xelloss gazed at his surroundings. He was in a very small room, only about four foot square. The walls were covered with cheerful pictures of hearts and rainbows and stars and various other happy things. It made him feel rather queasy. Then the sound started. A small, sweet voice said "Life is wonderful." This was repeated over and over. Xelloss began to sweat. The voice got louder. Xelloss screamed in terror. After two minutes of the horrible torture Garv opened the door. Xelloss staggered through the doorway, shaking wearily.

"So, how do you feel?"

The only response was a pitiful whimper.

The old king died and Val became king. He and Filia were married immediately, and she once again walked amongst the people. They all bowed before their queen, except for one old woman. "Boo," the old hag screamed. "Boo! How could you let true love slip through your fingers?! Boo!"

Filia awoke in horror. It had all been a dream. The king wasn't dead. The wedding was ten days away. She knew then that she could not live without Xelloss. She hurried to find the prince.

She found him talking to Garbos, the palace gate keeper. "The bandit forest must be cleared out the day of the wedding! Sairag soldiers and spies are infiltrating it!" The prince shouted.

"Val," Filia said. "I need to talk to you."

"Just a moment, dear," he said. "Garbos, you have your orders. Form a brute squad if you must. You are dismissed." Garbos bowed and left. "Now, my dear Filia, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"I can't marry you. I'm sorry, but I love Xelloss," she cried.

"That's all right, my love," he said. "I shall send out my four fastest ships to get word to him. However, he may not want you anymore. If he does not return before our wedding, we can assume this. I do hope that you'll accept me as a substitute if he no longer loves you."

"Yes, your highness. Thank you," Filia took leave of the prince.

The day of the wedding arrived and no one had heard from Xelloss. "You know, Garv," said Valgarv. "I thought it was clever when I hired Naga to capture Filia to start a war, but it will be much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. The people will be outraged at such a horrible act committed by Sairag."

"Indeed," said Garv. "Do you want to help torture the prisoner?"

"I'd love to, really I would," Val said. "But I've got a wedding to prepare for, a brute squad to order, my wife to murder, and Sairag to frame for it. I'm swamped."

"Maybe some other time then," Garv said. "Be careful not to over stretch yourself." Val nodded.

Zelgadis had been hired as part of the brute squad. While he was rounding up bandits in the bandit forest he came upon Gourry, who was distraught. "Gourry! How have you been?" he asked.

"I'll never find the man who murdered my father," Gourry sobbed.

"What did he look like, again?" Zelgadis asked.

"He was a tall, redheaded, sorcerer that looked really bad in a miniskirt," Gourry said. Zelgadis quickly told Gourry of Lord Garv, who matched the description perfectly. "I must kill him and avenge my father," Gourry said.

"We'll have to find a way into the castle, then," Zelgadis told his friend.

"We need Naga to plan for us," Gourry said.

"Naga is dead."

"Oh now I'll never avenge my . . . wait, I know who could plan our attack on the castle!"

"Who?" Zelgadis asked.

"The man in purple!"

Zelgadis and Gourry set off to find the MIP.

"It will be a beautiful wedding, my dear," said Prince Valgarv. "You needn't look so sad. That fool doesn't know what he's left behind. And tomorrow every ship in my armada will accompany us on our honeymoon."

"Every ship but the four you sent," she said.

"Well . . . of course not those four."

"You never sent them, did you? . . . No matter. Xelloss and I are bound by the power of true love. He will come for me," she said.

Prince Valgarv hurried down into the dungeon. "You truly love each other," he sneered at Xelloss. "So you may have been truly happy. Not one couple in a million years has that chance, and so I think that no man in a million years shall suffer as you will." He dragged Xelloss by his hair and threw him into the Room. Then he turned it on full blast.

The pictures seemed even happier than before, and a cheerful melody began to play. The voice began again, louder and sweeter than ever. "Life is wonderful! Life is wonderful!" The anguished scream that escaped Xelloss's lips was so loud, everyone in Sayrun heard it.

"That's the man in purple," said Zelgadis. "Only a man whose true love marries another could make that sound." Gourry nodded and they followed the sound down into the dungeons. By the time they found him the scream had stopped. Xelloss's limp, lifeless body lay on the floor of the Room.

"No!" Gourry wailed.

"What we need is a miracle," said Zelgadis. "Gourry, grab the body and follow me."

Zelgadis banged on the door of a small hut. A woman with lavender hair and bangs that covered her eyes opened the door a crack. For a moment Zelgadis wondered why she was dressed as a waitress. "Are you Miracle Luna, the miracle woman who used to work at the palace?"

She slammed the door in his face. "Please," Gourry cried. "We're desperate! We need a miracle!"

Luna reopened the door. "What sort of miracle?"

"We need you to revive this man," Zelgadis said, indicating Xelloss.

"I'll see what I can do," she said and ushered them inside. "Tell me why I should bring him back to life."

"I need his help to avenge my father's murder."

She looked at the blonde swordsman in disbelief. "Okay, I'll ask him, then."

"But he's dead," said Zelgadis reasonably.

"Shows what you know," said Luna. "He's only mostly dead." She grabbed a bellows from beside the fireplace and pumped Xelloss full of air. "Okay, Mr. Purple everything, what have you got to live for?!" She pressed on his chest.

"N . . . ow . . . tha . . . t . . . is . . . a . . . se . . . cre . . .t," he said as the air passed through his lips.

"I can't help anyone who will only say that when his life is on the line," said Luna.

"Liar," a petite blonde woman said. She wore a white, skimpy dress and was holding a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. "You just don't have any confidence anymore."

"Get back, bitch," snapped Luna.

"I'm not a bitch, I'm your best friend. Though I'm not so sure I want to be that anymore if you won't at least ask him again," she said tartly.

"Um, Zelas . . . you really are a bitch," said Luna.

"Don't get technical with me," the beast master growled, bearing her teeth at her friend.

"She just has no confidence," she said, turning to Zelgadis and Gourry. "Not since Prince Valgarv fired her."

"You promised you'd never say that name," Luna shouted.

Zelas chased her around the hut. "Valgarv, Valgarv, VALGARV!"

"Wait," said Zelgadis. "If you help him, he'll stop Valgarv's wedding! Filia is his true love."

"Now you're talking," Luna said happily. "I'll do it."

"That's the miracle pill?" Zelgadis stared in disbelief.

"The coating of Sayrun's famous soft serve ice-cream makes it go down easier," Zelas said. "Wait fifteen minutes, then give it to him."

"Good Luck," said Luna.

Zelgadis, with Xelloss over one shoulder, and Gourry, carrying the miracle pill delicately, headed for the castle.

"Mawage, mawage is wat bwings us togefer today," the short clergy-fox said.

"Get on with it, Jilas," Valgarv shouted.

"Has it been fifteen minutes yet," Gourry asked.

"I think so," Zelgadis said. "Go ahead and give it to him." Gourry pushed the pill into Xelloss's mouth.

"Where am I?" Xelloss gasped.

"We're about to storm the castle, but we need your help. You were mostly dead but Miracle Luna revived you," said Gourry.

"We have to stop the wedding, reunite you with your true love, Filia, and let Gourry kill Garv to avenge his father," Zelgadis continued. "But we must hurry. The wedding has already started."

"What are our assets?" Xelloss asked.

"His sword, my sorcery, your brains and powers, and a wheelbarrow," Zelgadis told him.

"A wheelbarrow?! Who needs a wheelbarrow at a time like this?! What's our opposition?" Xelloss asked.

"The castle gate is guarded by 100 men," said Gourry.

"My brains and powers, his sword, and your sorcery against 100 men?!" Xelloss said, shocked. "Is that all!? No problem!!" Xelloss stood, though he was slightly wobbly.

"Hang on to me, guys." Zelgadis and Gourry did as ordered. Xelloss soared into the air and flew over the guards. The men looked scarred and pointed nervously.

"I AM THE DRED BANDIT KILLER INVERSE," Xelloss's voice boomed uncannily. "I AM HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!" The men scattered like frightened rabbits. "That was too easy," Xelloss said cheerfully. He landed in front of the castle.

The trio found the gate unlocked and raced inside. Garv and two palace security guards rushed to meet them. Gourry dispatched the guards without a word and turned to Garv. "Hello," he said. "My name is Gourry Gabriev. You killed my father. Prepare to die!" Garv ran like a terrified child. Gourry sped after him.

"Jilas, just say man and wife!"

"Man and wife," said the fox-man. "Now here's my wedding present." Jilas yanked open his clergy robe to reveal dozens of fireworks. The room exploded in color. (Picture Lupin III in The Castle of Cagliostro except we all know how Jilas is with gunpowder. He kinda blew himself up)

"Amelia, my dear sister," said Valgarv. "Would you and father please escort my bride to our chambers. I'll be there shortly."

Princess Amelia Wil Tesla and King Philionel escorted Filia towards her rooms. When they were in the hallway Filia said "You know Val plans to start a war, don't you?"

"That would be against Justice," said Amelia.

"Val would never do that," said the king. "He's a pacifist like his dear old dad."

Filia shook her head in disgust and went inside her room. She picked up a dagger and held it to her chest.

"There are a shortage of perfect breasts in this world," a voice said from behind her. "It'd be a shame to damage yours."

She whirled to see Xelloss standing there smiling. "Oh Xelloss, I thought you'd never get here. My love, I've done something terrible. I got married."

"No you didn't!"

"What?"

"Did you say I do?"

"No."

"If you didn't say I do then you didn't do it." She flung herself into his arms and kissed him passionately.

"Gross!" said Phibrizo.

"You won't think so when you're older," L-sama chuckled.

Gourry chased Garv through many corridors until they reached a dead end. "Now you'll pay," said Gourry. "Light come forth!" He vanquished Garv.

Prince Valgarv entered his chambers to find Xelloss and Filia making out on the bed. "But . . . but . . . but I killed you!" he stammered. "How can you be here?!"

"Now, that is a secret!" Xelloss laughed and shook his finger at Valgarv. Zelgadis and Gourry came in and ran over to Xelloss. "Grab hold everyone," he said. "have a nice life, Princy-poo!" With that Xelloss and his three companions vanished.

They reappeared at the hot springs resort on Mypros island. Gourry and Zelgadis went to have some fun while Xelloss and Filia rented a room. Now that they were safe they were overcome by love. They kissed deeply and . . . CENSORED!!! This Is A Kid's Story! . . . I'll leave it to your imagination.

"So, did you like it?" L-sama asked.

"It sucked," said Phibrizo. She glared at him and his astral body began to disintegrate. "Mother! No!"

The End

Author's note: I also would like to apologize to Zel and Val for the parts they played. ^_~