It's not you, it's me
by: Immeblue
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, nor any of the characters in this fic, we all know that.
"Mako-chan, what are you doing here?" Ami asked as she walked up to Makoto at the school exit. "I thought you had left earlier with the others."
"Hi Ami-chan," Makoto started as she turned to look at her friend "I couldn't cut class, I had a test last period." Turning her gaze from Ami to the down pour outside she said "Now, I wish I had gone with them I don't even have an umbrella."
Coming to stand next to her tall friend Ami held up the long umbrella she was holding, "well I came prepared" she smiled at Makoto "I'll walk you home if you like."
Makoto couldn't help but chuckle "Is that why you stayed in school and not cut with the rest of them, because you had an umbrella" Makoto couldn't keep a smile off her face she knew as well as anyone that Ami would never cut school without a serious reason.
Ami gave a slight blush at her friends banter "you're teasing, right?" At this Makoto burst out into a healthy laugh "you know I am." "I'd love for you to walk me home" she said as she sobered "but I don't wanna take you out of your way."
"Nonsense, I wouldn't want you to stay here" taking a hold of Makoto's hand Ami pulled her to the exit "C'mon."
Ami walked Makoto up to her apartment door, she was about to leave when she heard Makoto, "where are you going?" she said opening the door wider for Ami to enter. "You don't have cram school today, it's best if you wait here till the rain stops."
"I don't want to put you out" Ami said staying where she was. "Now look who's saying nonsense" Makoto said as she reached out to take Ami's hand "Now get in here."
"You know the drill Ami make yourself at home" Makoto said with a wide sweep of her hand, gesturing at her small apartment. "I'm going to make something for us to eat then do my homework." Looking down at herself she said "On second thought I'm going to change first, I'm a bit wet." Looking up at Ami she said "so are you." Turning to walk to her bedroom she called over her shoulder "I'll find something for you to wear."
Ami was a bit stunned but didn't argue, she welcomed the idea of dry clothes even if hers were far from drenched.
"Ami I found something" Ami heard Makoto shout out "Come in here and see if you'd like to wear it."
Upon entering the room the first thing Ami noticed was Makoto crouched down looking through her bottom draw, wearing only her bra and panty. She immediately felt the burning blush on her face and tried her best to calm down. Finally finding her voice she asked "what is it?"
On hearing her voice Makoto closed the draw and stood up, "this" she said holding out a t-shirt to Ami. "It's a bit small for me, so it may be a great fit for you." Handing the t-shirt over Makoto went to sit on her bed and proceeded to take off her bra. She didn't notice Ami still standing there mesmerized, she couldn't take her eyes off Makoto.
As Makoto reached across her bed to get her own t-shirt she caught sight of Ami's fixed stare on her, the girl looked as if she wasn't even breathing. Hurriedly she put on the t-shirt, which only reached the waist of her panties. "I'm sorry Ami-chan" She said walking over to the smaller girl "I didn't stop to think that I might make you feel uncomfortable."
Only when Makoto was in front of her did Ami finally let out the breath she was holding. "Ami?" "No, no..." Ami whispered backing away toward the bedroom door. "Ami, I'm sorry" Makoto called after her. Stopping Within the doorframe to look at Makoto, she said "it's not you Mako-chan." Turning around to hide the first of many tears to come, she whispered "it's me." Having said that she made a mad dash for the front door. Makoto went after her only by reflex, but Ami was out the door and long gone before Makoto noticed that she had ran out without taking her bag or umbrella.
Makoto just stood stunned at the front door repeating Ami's words over and over again in her head 'it's not you Mako-chan, it's me.' "what the hell does that mean?" she asked herself. 'I don't see how it can be her fault.' Resigning to the fact that she won't figure it out Makoto returned to her room to finish dressing, promising herself to call Ami later.
*******
Makoto stood under Ami's window in her Sailor Jupiter alter ego. She had repeatedly called Ami to at first get nothing but her answering machine...then a busy signal. She knew Ami was alone in the house, she often was. Ms. Mizuno worked long hours at the hospital that usually kept her there long into the night, if she came home at all.
With senshi stealth Sailor Jupiter had circled the house to check for any avenues that would award her entry into the Mizuno home, to her avail she found one. It was the window to Ami's room 'she must leave it open so Luna can get in' Sailor Jupiter reasoned. Thankfully Ami's room was at the back of the house, no nosey neighbor saw a suspicious figure leap into the tree just inches away from Ami's window.
Peering through the window Sailor Jupiter saw her sitting at her computer. She sat slouched and her shoulders hunched, it was obvious that Ami had only just finished crying, she gave off a dejected aura Sailor Jupiter had never before seen on Ami. Too ashamed of herself for being the reason Ami is this upset, Sailor Jupiter moved back on the bough to sit closer to the tree's trunk still able to see Ami, but now Ami couldn't see her as she could have a moment ago if she had turned around.
'Just go in there, you've come this far.' Sitting there, Jupiter tried to summon the courage to go in and talk to Ami 'if only you were mad at her, I'm sure you'd be in there by now.' "Of course I would, but I can't be mad at Ami..." Her tete-a-tete with herself was cut short when she noticed Ami start her own.
"I can't believe I did that..." she sat up in her chair only to hunch her shoulders more. "Why didn't I just let her apologize?" Ami put her hands to her face then ran them through her hair "why did I have to tell her it was me, not her?" She gave a heavy sigh as she answered her own question "Because it is _me_ and not _her_" she went back to her dejected slouch when she said "and I'm tired of hiding it."
Sailor Jupiter waited with baited breath for Ami to go on 'Hiding what?!!' her mind screamed. Though to her vexation Ami kept quiet. Jupiter continued to sit on the bough resenting the coward she turn out to be in this situation, but still not finding the nerve to go through Ami's window and confront her. Deep down she now realized that it went further than having embarrassed Ami while she was at her home. Jupiter didn't know exactly what the problem was, but she did know that she couldn't push it out of Ami, she had to let Ami tell her on her own terms.
She didn't realize how late it was, nor did she really care until Ami stood up from her PC to stretch then commenced to undress. Unlike Ami, Makoto didn't have any problems seeing naked people, that is if they know she's watching. Every sense of propriety she had told her to leave or to at least turn away, but she couldn't. Jupiter didn't know why she couldn't turn away, if she lied to herself she didn't. And she was lying, only allowing in enough truth to let her enjoy watching Ami's naked Physique. Her body wept as Ami walked out of sight into her bathroom. Jupiter knew if she skipped to another branch she could easily see Ami, but in the brief seconds it all took, to be so thrilled to see Ami in all her glory and to be so flustered when she was out of sight, she had let enough of the truth in to scare her.
Leaping off the tree, she used senshi stealth and speed all the way within a block of her house before she de-transformed in an ally and hurriedly walked the rest of the way home. Only once she was in her house did she realized she still carried Ami's bag and Umbrella. Sighing, Makoto dropped them by the door and kicked off her shoes. "So much for the rest of my homework" she
said as she flopped into bed still fully clothed.
She waited for sleep to consume her, but it didn't. She couldn't stop thinking about Ami, not about Ami's problem and what she was hiding...Makoto had her own problem now, she couldn't shake the attraction she felt for Ami. She couldn't get that pretty little slender and pert body out of her mind, Makoto smiled at her memory only to frown in consternation. She couldn't believe she was having these thoughts about a friend, especially a girl. That was Makoto's problem, she couldn't help it, she's attracted to Ami and that's the way it is, but how could she be attracted to another girl? She wasn't a lesbian she knew that. There were countless guys whom she thought were handsome and wanted to know better. She grimaced as she realized they all reminded her of her old sempai, in recent months she'd really learned to hate that guy. She's never had a crush on any girls, had she? Yes you have. Makoto laid still trying not to listen to that small voice in her head, the same voice that was feeding her memories of the girls she'd had crushes on...they were mostly from television or her classes, but she did notice they were mostly from her younger days when she didn't know that girls were 'only' supposed to like boys. She figured when she finally did realize it her mind created its own defense to keep her from feeling different, it only allowed her to subconsciously check women out, or rather to not realize she was checking them out at all.
"Oh my!" Makoto said as she turned over onto her stomach, "I can't believe this." But she did, Makoto wasn't one to hide from herself. 'Ami must be special to have jarred my mind out of its own defenses' she thought. 'What am I gonna do?' closing her eyes she said aloud to herself "what can I do? The only thing I do know is that I have to hide my attraction from Ami."
Makoto's eye flashed wide open as she realized what she just said and remembered what she had heard Ami say earlier. "I'm tired of hiding it" the words rolled over and over in Makoto's head as she carefully played back the day's events with Ami in mind...
Ami's mesmerized state as stared at Makoto's naked breasts, the blush, the look in her eyes...Makoto had thought it was because she was offended only now she's not so sure 'Could it be a look of desire?' Makoto wondered, she didn't want to assume anything, she was too afraid. Makoto recalled Ami's parting phrase "it's not you, its me" then to hear her say it again in her
room...
"Wow!" was all Makoto could say as she realized what might be going on with Ami. She yawned as sleep finally came in to claim her, her last thoughts for the night were of Ami in her bedroom, Au naturel.
********
Makoto woke up to the sound of her doorbell, looking at her alarm she almost cursed seeing that it should have went off twenty minutes ago. Almost cursing because she had a twenty minute snooze which she always hit. Getting out of bed she was about to find her robe when she realize she had never changed last night.
Opening the door she was shocked to see Ami standing there. "I didn't expect to see you here?" though it was the truth she hated the way it sounded. "Come in," she said quickly hoping to sound a bit more inviting.
Ami entered, on seeing her bag and umbrella on the floor she turned to Makoto "I came to get these."
"I was gonna bring them to you last night..." she trailed off not wanting to admit anything she didn't have to.
"Do you mind if I leave the umbrella here" she began bending down to pick up the bag "there isn't going to be any rain today and..."
"It's fine" Makoto cut her off "you can come get it after school."
"Thank you" Ami said walking to the door. "I'll see you at school, I'll leave you to get ready" she said over her shoulder as she closed the door behind her.
Makoto just stood staring at the door, "So, that's the way it's gonna be, huh?" she said to herself. "Act as if nothing happened" a frown crossed her face as she realized that may be the norm for Ami if it were true and she did in fact have a crush on Makoto. Although, what was sad was that Ami had said she didn't wanna hide it anymore, she was clearly not doing anything to change
that. 'Are you any better?' Makoto asked herself. After a moments cogitation, she resolved that she was. She was gonna tell Ami how she felt _today_. However, saying that made her realize she had a little problem...how did she feel about Ami? She gave a sigh as she realized that whatever she was going to do, it couldn't be today.
The doorbell brought her out of her contemplation, again she was surprised to see Ami. "Ami?"
Ami stood at the door holding her bag in front of her, "can I come in?"
"Of course!" she said incredulously, making way for Ami to enter.
Ami entered and faced Makoto as she closed the door. "Makoto" she whispered, though is was a whisper it was both determined and invoking attention.
Makoto knew she wanted to talk about something serious...'is she gonna tell me now?' Makoto wondered. "Yes?"
Ami looked as if she would falter but she blew out a relieving breath and continued "Um..." Looking Makoto straight in the eyes she said "there are some things I want...no, need you to know." Breaking eye contact she said "and I don't know how you'll take them." She made her way to Makoto's couch and sat down, then stood up again when she saw that Makoto hadn't moved.
Makoto couldn't move, 'so she is gonna tell me." She was shocked at the trepidation she felt, 'I thought I got over a that last night.'
Her thoughts were broken by Ami's voice "Mako-chan?" Then Ami herself as she materialized in front of her. 'Kami-sama she's beautiful' Makoto thought to herself, nonetheless, outwardly she said "Go on, I'm listen" then added "You can tell me absolutely anything."
"That's great to hear." Ami seemed to be encouraged by the words as she recommitted herself to confessing her hearts secrets. "I want to explain to you why I reacted the way I did yesterday..."
"Go on!" Makoto chirped happily, then sobered as she noticed Ami's confused expression. "Why?"
"Um.." Ami stared at Makoto a bit perplexed at her attitude "there's something you should know before I tell you that."
Makoto was too impatient to wait through Ami's preamble "and that is?"
'Would you relax, she's getting there...you're probably scaring her.' Makoto thought to herself. "I'm sorry, go on."
"Ok" Ami said looking a bit confused at Makoto's behavior, "maybe you should sit down first!" Ami suggested.
"No, I'm fine' Makoto assured "go on."
Ami again acquired her nervous mood, yet went on "well first off I think you should know..." she paused to look at Makoto and saw she was hanging on every word, this encourage her a bit "that I'm a lesbian." She had continued to watch Makoto to gage her reaction and Makoto's reaction surprised her, she seemed almost...delighted.
'Great!' Makoto thought, 'we're almost there'. She realized she had to say something, but was stopped as Ami went on.
"And I currently have this crush on a girl..."
'yeah!, yeah?!" Makoto's mind screamed, urging Ami on.
"we have cram school together..." Ami continued.
"What?!" Makoto exclaimed. She couldn't believe her ears, "I thought..." Makoto trailed off as she took that seat on her couch that was offered to her earlier.
Ami thought her current behavior was a delayed reaction to her revelation that she was a lesbian. She carefully sat next to Makoto's side and placed a hand on her shoulder "are you alright?" she asked concerned.
Makoto couldn't find the words...'a girl at cram school, what about me?'she thought, though she could never say that, not now.
After a few moments Makoto finally found her voice "then what about yesterday? why did you act the way you did...when...you know?"
A smile crossed Ami's pretty face as she remembered, then the embarrassed blushed replaced it. "The two of you have similar figures" she relayed happily "you reminded me of her, or rather you gave me a glimpse of her so to speak."
"Oh!" was all Makoto could say.
Ami stared at her "is that all you have to say?" She had expected some sort of comment about her orientation, but to get nothing, not acceptance, not rejection, nothing, wasn't at all what she imagined. A shocked Makoto she had envisioned but the almost devastated one in front of her, was a total surprise. "You look as if I'd destroyed your whole world" Ami observed.
Makoto collected herself "Of course you haven't" she started "don't worry it's not you, it's me." She got up and walked to the door, Ami following with her bag. "Don't worry about it Ami" she said turning back to Ami "I'm just glad I didn't make you uncomfortable yesterday." Pausing to look at Ami she moved forward and pulled her into her arms "I'll always be your friend Ami,
nothing you will ever stop me from loving you."
Ami hugged Makoto back as her tears moistened the taller girl's shirt "thank you, I didn't realize how much I needed to hear that."
"I don't think you will ever know how much I mean it." She said as she released the young genius.
Watching the her go Makoto knew it was true, she did love Ami and now it was she who had to hide it.
"It's not you, it's me" she said morosely as she closed the door.
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