"The Places You Have Come to Fear the
Most"
By Forever 3330
Disclaimer: Hi! ^,^ This is Forever3330. As I write this, I realize that I haven’t written in forever…but, um, yeah. I’ve decided to do a ton of songfics, because the long angst fic I promised Ametrine is going to take a while, I decided I’d try a few angst one-shots. And I just happened to get the lyrics to a ton of songs I like, and I figure I’ll give it a shot. I own nothing. And suing me won’t get you anything, anyways. In any case, I hope you enjoy the fanfic! ~.^ ~~Forever3330~~ ^.~
For Ametrine
“Isn’t it sad?” Watching the people in the streets around her from her bench, Sonomi winced. Again. They were talking about it again. The wind carried the voices to her. “Happened just last week.”
~Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture but you're barely scraping by
But you’re barely scraping by~
Even as she walked silently through the park, with its’ Sakura trees in full bloom and cold tears rolling down her cheeks, she could not manage a real smile, like she had always before been able to do. A real smile. When was the last time she had truly smiled? A real smile, not a forced one. When? It was funny in a way-even Sakura-chan no longer made her smile. But that in itself made Tomoyo sadder. And yet her pale face was still lit up with a gentle smile, one that did not reach her eyes. Ice blue eyes. Eyes that were pained and stoney at the same time. Okaa-san said she had lost her shine.
And that had scared her.
She was trying, really trying, to sit up straighter in class, pay attention more, be more cheerful then ever, keeping herself under a constant watch. And yet, it was still slipping-everything she had built to keep herself inside was falling apart. She was breaking. And it was getting harder and harder to put herself back together.
But what scared her beyond anything else was that she was no longer Tomoyo; she was something broken, something scarred. And the darkness was calling to her, stronger every second, promising her the rest she hoped for with the traitorous part of her. The part of her that didn’t care if it made Sakura-chan or Okaa-san sad.
Yet, somehow, the part of her that cared agreed, hesitantly. Sakura-chan was getting too close to the truth, with her ever-growing preception. And if Tomoyo didn’t get away soon everything would break, not just her. And that was the last thing she wanted.
Sakura-chan could never be allowed to break. And she wouldn’t, as long as Tomoyo could take the pain for herself. If only she could lift it all away.
~This is one time, this is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places you have come to fear the most. ~
Tomoyo had cried in class that day. She had been sitting paitently, smiling, listening to Terada-sensei’s explanation of their class book, when she knew with some utter certainty she had never before had with her emotions told her Sakura-chan would never love her back.
Not in the way she wanted.
Not ever.
Because Sakura-chan loved someone else. Someone Tomoyo had pushed towards her.
Syaoran.
The arch of the brunette’s hand as she smothered her laughter at something he said was trembling with something Tomoyo had seen before, with Yukito-san. Love.
Was her downfall her own fault?
“Tomoyo-chan? Tomoyo-chan, are you okay?”
Even as she noticed the tears running down her cheeks, Sakura-chan’s blurred face floated in front of her, calling out to her. And her spring-green eyes were filled with something that made the shorter girl’s blood freeze over, colder then the tears leaking down her cheekd.
Dawning enlightenment.
So Tomoyo did the only thing she could do, to keep herself from answering the call, to keep Sakura-chan from doing what she had dreamed of her doing since she had known how to voice her feelings for the brunette, from doing what had recently become a nightmare. She ran.
~Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
and perfect makeup but you're barely scraping by.
But you’re barely scraping by~
And she found herself in the park, a place with memories she would cherish forever. The sunny memories of childhood, clouded over with soft colors and feelings. Memories she had thought were signs of hope. She didn’t delude herself anymore; to Sakura-chan they would always be moments of friendship. Friendship with Daidouji Tomoyo, slightly eccentric girl with rather odd habits.
And no matter how many times she said ‘I love you’, no matter how many times she tried to explain it, Sakura-chan would never understand what she meant.
Because she did not feel the same.
And she never would.
Ever.
The bridge near King Penguin was there, waiting for her, as it always was. Patient, taunting. Filled with memories of times when she had walked hand-in-hand with Sakura-chan, laughing with real joy. Complete. Back when she was herself, and not a broken doll.
~This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please
Everyone or anyone at all, or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places you have come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most~
The water under the bridge looked calm, perfect. There was hardly a ripple anywhere. And again, it called to her, the darkness. Only stronger this time, as darkness fed off the absence of hope. And for the first and last time, Tomoyo answered, falling into the welcoming depths of the lake, navy skirt fluttering behind her, long violet-raven locks waving like ribbons.
As the water enveloped her, ice-cold even to her already cool skin, she felt her lips twitch into a slight smile. Just a little longer and she could sleep. Just a little longer and it would all finally be over-and nothing would matter anymore.
She wouldn’t have to think. Just breathe.
Her vision filled with swirls as she took a deep breath. Odd, how hard it was to breath now. She had been doing the simple task all her life. Was water really that much different from air?
It made her wonderfully dizzy.
~And you can't fake it hard enough to please
Everyone or anyone at all, or anyone at all~
The past week had made Sakura vaguely worried. Tomoyo-chan was barely awake for the first day, and then was more vividly cheerful then normal. When Tomoyo-chan had begun to cry in class, Sakura began to get concerned.. When Tomoyo-chan ran out of class, her worry grew into fear for her friend.
As long as she had know the dark-haired heiress, she had never seen Tomoyo-chan cry. Ever.
So she stood without a word and followed, for once having trouble keeping up with the other girl. How was it that Tomoyo-chan never could run this fast before?
Tomoyo-chan had been standing silently beside the lake, posture giving no sign that she was crying. And without seeing her face, Sakura knew with no doubt whatsoever that she was still crying. And she had the vague feeling she knew why.
Yet it was like a sentence that was at the tip of her tounge that just wouldn’t roll off, wouldn’t be relesed. Whatever it was, it was hidden from her. Hidden so deep she barely knew it was there.
And then, like an angel taking flight, Tomoyo-chan fell into the water, graceful as ever, arms outstretched, as if she were relieved, and simply going into her mother’s embrace. As if she meant to do it.
Somewhere a reasonable part of her mind told her that Tomoyo-chan had to do it on purpose, as she didn’t exactly slip, and it was all her fault anyway. But Sakura wasn’t listening to herself anymore, but leaping over the bridge to the dark water, searching with her hands and eyes for the girl who she had known for what seemed like a lifetime. A distant part of her wondered it she really knew Tomoyo-chan at all.
But the only thought in her mind was that Tomoyo-chan could not swim.
~And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places you have come to fear the most~
The colors of the dark world around her were becoming brighter, more defined. Tomoyo was curious as to why such a thing would happen, but ignored it. She was sinking slowly, and choking as she did so. It was odd, how calm she could be at such a time. But compared to life, death did not really seem so painful. It was simply a dulled pain, if only because the larger part of her was busy bringing images of Before to her mind, of the time when Sakura-chan seemed to care about only her family and Tomoyo. When Tomoyo was her life.
When she had thought Sakura-chan might love her.
A face suddenly appeared before her, angelic and worried. Sakura-chan. Sakura-chan was an angel. If that was so, then Heaven must truly be a wonderful place. Sakura-chan with her genki spirit and bright smile.
Where was her smile?
The other girl’s hand reached out, pulling, trying to get her to the surface, when Tomoyo pulled back violently, still coughing and spasming as her vision became worse.
Was this Sakura-chan real?
The brunette pulled closer, trying to pull her up again, but the heiress didn’t want that; she was so close to reasting forever, it was almost over…
Desperate, Sakura pulled Tomoyo-chan to her, putting her mouth on Tomoyo’s, trying to breathe air into her friend, to get her to stop trying to pull back like she wanted this to happen and…
Tomoyo pulled the other girl close for a second, kissing the girl, not accepting the air, then pulled away and smiled. Her lips moved, saying something, but the precious things were lost forever, to the silence of water, to whatever may have heard them.
And as Tomoyo’s world stopped, fading into nothing, eyes fluttering closed, Sakura understood.
I love you.
That was the last gift Tomoyo would ever give her.
And suddenly, she wanted more, too late. She wanted to walk through the peaceful streets of Tomoeda, holding her friend’s hand in her own, laughing, smiling, talking about everything and nothing at the same time because anything they talked about was perfect, and even just sitting in silence, comfortable, or pointing out the stars and clouds and flowers they thought were especially beautiful. She wanted the feel of absolute TOMOYO to overwhelm her, as it always had, even when she didn’t understand it.
Because she loved Tomoyo. And the words formed on her lips, left, to die with Tomoyo’s own confession. In the silent place where her friend’s body floated listlessly, like a broken toy.
As water filled her lungs, she somehow ceased to care. Tomoyo…she needed…Tomoyo.
~Is the place that you have come to fear the most~
Sitting in the white room with a dark window she couldn’t see through, Sakura stared. There were people watching her, she knew, on the other side. Watching the tied up girl who was too thin because she wouldn’t eat, who was tied up because if she was loose she would try to kill herself with whatever was closest.
She couldn’t see the door, because it was covered with soft padding, just as the rest of the room. Tilting her head, she sniffed; there was magic nearby. The magic of…the Clow Cards. And slowly, she saw them form around her, Kero and Yue there as well.
“Sakura-chan!” The small yellow Guardian floated towards her, worried. “What are you doing here? Why do they have you here?”
“Stupid. She’s insane, that’s why.” Yue’s snort was softer then normal, as were his eyes.
“Kero…? Yue…? Why are you two here?” But even as she asked the question, she head the door swing open, and from the corner of her eyes saw Otou-san and Touya-kun walk in slowly. They looked different. Sad.
The docter was with them. Sakura spit at him, and smiled cheerfully when it hit. “Kero-chan, why don’t you get me out now?”
“Who are you talking to, Sakura-chan?” The docter’s voice was as painfully kind as ever.
The Card Mistress stared. “My friends. The cards. Everyone. Can’t you see them?”
“Sakura-chan, we can’t be seen; your magic is…haywire. And we can’t let you out. You keep trying to…hurt yourself.” Kero mumbled, slightly. Then, stronger, “Please calm down. Come home, Sakura-chan!”
After a moment, the girl burst into hysterical laughter. Was this what her life had come to? Talking to invisible friends, sitting in a small room of bright white?
Without Tomoyo, was this what she amounted to?
“Mirror-chan…Change into Tomoyo’s appearance.” The words came to her mouth without even thinking it. “I’ll come…but I need Tomoyo.”
The card looked hesitantly at Kero and Yue, both who looked away, and shyly changed into the violet-haired girl. And for a moment, that was enough. Sakura felt better, for a moment.
Then she saw through the illusion, saw everything that was missing, everything that was wrong, and screamed in fury, spitting at the Mirror-Tomoyo as hard as she could, rocking in her bonds. She wanted TOMOYO.
The Cards stepped back, moving, fearful. And Kero hung his head, reverting to his large form. “We tried, Sakura-chan. We’re going.”
“Where? I’m your Mistress. You have to stay with me.”
“We’re going to Eriol-sama.” Yue’s voice wasn’t as harsh as it should have been, but it was harsh all the same. “He has the power of Clow; we do not have time for this, Sakura-chan. Not when you’re hurting us as well as yourself.”
“You’re not going.”
“Goodbye, Sakura-chan.” The Guardian shimmered, then left. The others did the same. Kerberos was the last to go.
As she had watched her ‘friends’, the Docter and her family had been talking to her. Or trying to. Something about setting up a facility at home.
And vaguely, she wondered why she was still alive. Why had they saved her?
Why not Tomoyo?
It was all his fault. Syaoran. Why didn’t her let her die with Tomoyo?
Why did she have to be alive?
A hand rested on her shoulder. Touya was trying to smile, for once. “It’ll…it’ll be okay, Sakura-chan. We’ll get you through this. I promise.”
She bit him.
~Is the place that you have come to fear the most~
“Some rich girl killed herself. Jumped into the lake. I swear, they do anything for attention…”
“Her friend killed herself a week later at home-managed to get ahold of a knife. Bled to death.”
“Isn’t it sad?”
Yeah, Sonomi thought, rising from the bench. It is.