World in Fragments by April Eagle
There's a reason I hide my heart Out of sight out of mind And when I find out just who you are The door will be open for you to...
Find a way to my heart, and I will always be with you >From wherever you are, I'll be waiting I'll keep a place in my heart, you will see it shinning through So find a way to my heart, and I will, I will follow you.
Phil Collins
Notes by the author:
I know that this song is quite old (about 12 years or so). But songs about love, about faith and about hope are timeless.
Disclaimer: Haruka, Michiru and the rest of the Sailor Team are owned by Naoko Takeuchi. The story is mine.
PG 16!!! (This is NOT a lemon!)
If you liked it or hated it write to: aprileagle@freenet.de .
For this story there are no more comments necessary yet.
World in fragments ( by April Eagle )
Prologue: Out of a dirty street
It stopped raining about two hours ago. Although it was very cold it became a wonderful afternoon after all the morning's mist. The last rays of the setting sun shone through the thick clouds. A hole in heaven... She stumbled over the slippery leaves that covered the pavement. With every step it got darker and she wondered if it was really so late. Her lover would be very angry and very concerned if she didn't come home right in time. She wanted to buy some cheese they forget yesterday. Today was Wednesday and they wanted to cook noodles, their daughter's favourite food. Although the little girl wasn't so good in eating the Italian food. She preferred it to throw it on the ground and to laugh happily. Laugh happily... She hold the bundle in her arms tighter as she tried to sped her steps. Her legs hurt but she didn't mention it. The trees near the road looked naked. Like grey ghosts they pointed up to the now almost dark sky. Wind played with messed short blonde hairs and a crumbled jacket. The jeans were dirty and the shoelace of her left shoes were open. She stumbled again but she felt too weak to curse. Where's that... Here green eyes looked for some seconds up from the dirty pavement she was walking on. She stopped in her motion and almost fell down on the ground. She fluctuate and blackness waited at the rim of her eyes. Slightly she shook her head and crossed the street. There weren't any cars here. Except a white one making a terrible loud sound. She wanted to shout at them. That they were too loud. That her head was going to explode. But she kept silent. Instead she squeezed the bundle in her arms and fought herself to go the few steps over to the big entrance. The staircase seemed to be as high as the highest mountain, but step by step, very slowly and very concentrated she climbed it. I mustn't give up! I mustn't give up! I mustn't give up! She didn't know how many times she told herself that bloody lie but it was the only thought that bought her such a long way. Without just laying down near the road and dying. No, I mustn't die. There's someone who needs help. Who needs me... She swallowed hard as two men passed her by quickly. They carried a stretcher. She could hear some other men shout and other apparatus were carried to the groaning patient quickly. She could see the blood and she turned away not to threw up the rest that was inside of her. The rest she didn't threw up half an hour ago. Is it just half an hour ago? She leaned herself against the white hospital wall and listened to the shouts of the doctors that seemed to surround the patient. Maybe an accident. Or maybe something even worse. Like me... She blinked and only the bundle in her arms kept her from becoming unconscious. Don't think of anything! She trembled hard but didn't even mention it. She wanted to go over to the next doctor. To a nurse or simply to another human being. But suddenly she wasn't able any longer. She leaned against that wall and couldn't move her body. As if she was paralysed. As if I am already dead... Tears sparkled in dark green eyes as she felt the warm body pressed at her own one. The bundle in her arms moved slightly and she heard another groan. A high groan. A child's groan. I mustn't give up! "Hello..." she whispered and her voice sounded shaky. "Hello?" It seemed to take eternity until someone mentioned her. A nurse at the age of thirty came over to her and she could see her eyes growing big as she saw the dirty woman leaning against the wall that was almost as white as her face. The lips were swollen and she could only open one of her dark blue eyes any more. Her clothes were crumbled and as she moved into the light of the emergency room the nurse could see that the blue jeans were covered with blood. Her own blood? "Oh my..." The nurse blinked, then she remembered her apprentice ship and that this was her job. "What happened?" she asked and tried to touch the young woman. She was about twenty years old and for some moments the nurse had confused her with a man. But then she saw the breasts under the crumbled t-shirt. It was torn as if someone had grabbed and ripped it. "They attacked my daughter." Whispered the young woman and two tears run down her cheeks, leaving two white strands on the dirty cheeks. "I fought against them, but I couldn't hinder that they beat her down. I..." her voice broke and for the first time the nurse realized that the young woman was holding something tight. She removed the bloody jacket from it and the nurse looked terrified down at a small girl. Her dark black hairs were also messed and blood covered a surely beautiful face. She was maybe two years old, maybe even younger. And she was injured! "Doctor! This is an emergency!" screamed the nurse and took the little girl from her mother's arms. The girl opened her dark eyes and started immediately to cry. At the next moment they were surrounded by men and women in white and quickly they carried the little girl away in one of the big, white rooms. "Hello, I am doctor Sagurasa. She's your daughter, ...?" Swollen dark green eyes looked up at a smiling face. "Tenô Haruka ." Whispered the young woman and stumbled backwards as the doctor tried to touch her. "You should come with me. You look as if you had a really bad fight yourself, Tenô-san." The doctor, she was maybe forty years old, took carefully the young woman's arm and felt how much she trembled. Hai, it was a bad fight. Haruka looked away as she stumbled over the emergency hall into another white room. And I lost it... "But I am feeling fine." Protested the senshi of wind weakly and coughed as blood run from her nose into her mouth and took her for some seconds her breathe. The doctor watched her and slightly shook her head. An understanding expression laid on her face. And a sad knowing one at the same time. "What about my daughter? What about Himme-chan?" Haruka sat down at chair and closed her eyes for some moments, ignoring the pain that went through her whole body. "She'll be fine, believe me. Little girls are strong." Hai, Hotaru had been strong, but I had been weak... "Is there anybody I can call for you? Who needs to know that you're here? Maybe your husband or..." Michi-chan... Haruka looked up and a terrified expression laid in her eyes that made even the doctor shiver who had seen a lot in her carrier. The young woman clenched her fists and the doctor believed to know what was going behind the blonde strands. She didn't want to exchange with the young woman. "Hai..." whispered Haruka and lowered her head again. For the first time she saw the blood that covered her blue jeans to the knees. For the first time she remembered what happened the past few hours. For the first time after she left that dirty street in the inner City of Tokyo to take her daughter to the hospital she felt really sick. Really dirty... "My girlfriend's at home and prepares our dinner. I... we wanted to take some cheese..." said the senshi of the wind with a cold, almost insensible voice. For some seconds she wondered why the doctor didn't gasp for breathe. As the most people did when they recognized that she wasn't a boy. That she loved a girl. That they both adopted their daughter to raise her together as a loving, lively family. What will Michi-chan thinks...? "I... I have to go now..." stammered Haruka and tried to rise from her chair. Michi-chan mustn't ever get to know about it! "I... I have...." I mustn't give up! Haruka looked up as the doctor tried to hold her back. Then the world started to swirl around her and it got darker and darker with every second. "Michi..." Haruka collapsed with a sigh on the white room's ground as she gave in her weak body. Her pain and her dizzy feelings.
***
The bed was narrow and hard. Every bone hurt in her body and she wondered if her legs and her arms were broken. Her face burned like hell and the headache awoke when she tried to open her eyes. Her mouth was dry and it hurt to breathe. I mustn't give up! She opened her eyes and blinked in the lights that hang on a white ceiling. A ceiling she didn't know. At home there were pictures overall - even at the ceiling. Michiru had been so crazy to draw them when they papered the light house by the sea two years after Haruka moved into it. Just some months before we adopted our Himme-chan. "Hotaru! Princess!" She tried to sit upright. To leave the bed. To go out of the corridor. To ask the doctors there who her daughter was feeling. But two arms held her back. Two soft, but determined hands pushed her carefully back into the pillow and she oppressed a groan as the pain increased inside her body. "Your daughter is feeling fine, Tenô-san. She had a cut on her forehead and some bruises in her face, but in two or three days she'll be alright again. Don't worry, she's a little devil and she will be as wild as she had been before that... incident..." Haruka frowned as she heard a concerned tone in the doctor's voice. Slowly she turned her head and looked into knowing eyes. "Shall I call the police?" asked the older woman directly and sighed as her patient only shook her head. "They didn't hurt the child, did they? They only hurt you." Again only a nod. It didn't look as if the young woman wanted to talk about it. "Shall I call for a psychologist?" Only a shook. Dark green eyes looked up at her but the doctor wasn't sure if she really saw her. "Did you call Kaioh Michiru?" asked Haruka after a long while the doctor already thought she didn't want to talk to her. "Hai, she'll be here as soon as possible." Answered the doctor and smiled a concerned smile. "You really don't want to call..." "No!" Haruka turned her head around and stared out of the window. She could see some branches touching the window pane. Moved by cold wind. Autumn was almost over and suddenly Haruka was very afraid of Christmas. The festival of love... "But..." I mustn't give up! "No, doc. Arigato, but that's my business. Not yours or that of the state." Answered the senshi of the wind with a very silent voice. "But..." Haruka turned her head back to her, looked up in her worried face and tried to smile up at her although every move hurt so much she wanted to scream. Slowly she raised her hands and touched with her icy hands the warm ones of the older woman. "Just do that test. I want to be sure that I won't ..." her voice break and the doctor nodded understanding. "Of course." She whispered and felt so tiny. So bad, because she couldn't help that young woman. Although she wanted it so much. I am a doctor. I am a goddess in white. But even such a powerful goddess couldn't change the other's memories. Or even the past. "If you need anything. Just call me." Said the doctor and Haruka was sure that she meant quite a lot more with her words. Not only her help as a doctor. But also her help as a woman. "Arigato..." At that moment the door was pushed open and a young woman crashed into the room. Her sea green hairs hang in her red face. She gasped hard for breathe and red spots covered an old pullover. "Ruka! Oh my god! I was so scared about you!" shouted Michiru and was at the next moment at her lover's side. Haruka swallowed hard as she looked up into deep blue eyes she loved so much. As she felt the soft hand that reached tenderly for her icy one and started thoughtlessly to stroke it. I mustn't give up! "Hope our dinner doesn't burn in the meantime. Gomen, I didn't buy the cheese." The senshi of the wind forced herself to smile a wild, tomboy smile. Michiru only sighed and suddenly tears were running down her cheeks. "You baka!" She sighed again and sobbed desperately. "I was so terrified when I got the phone call. I don't know how I should live on without you or our Himme-chan." Declared Michiru and put that icy hand that was connected to a drip up to her now wet cheeks and hold it tight. Haruka swallowed hard and closed her eyes to enjoy that nice touch. And to forget the rough touches she had experienced just some hours ago. I mustn't give up! "Don't worry. I'd never leave you, Michi-chan. Nor would Himme-chan." She managed to smile but couldn't look directly into her lover's eyes. “What happened?” asked Michiru and choked oppressed. "Nothing happened, Michi-chan. Nothing special. I just had to beat down some guys. You know how I am." Haruka managed to laugh a thin, shaky laugh and felt how her lover squeezed her hand tighter. The doctor shook sadly her head as she left the room to look after the daughter of that couple. She won't tell her the truth. The older woman sighed and clenched her fists. The young woman didn't even blush when she lied to her girlfriend. Hope she's strong enough to handle it all alone. Otherwise her memories will haunt her down until she's broken...
Chapter One: Pieces of a normal life
Cold wind played with the white curtains as she packed the few things her girlfriend brought for her during the past days: Books, her walkman and her teddy bear. And fresh clothes. Her hands froze in motion and dark green eyes stared for a long time at the blue jeans that still laid on her bed. The cloth was washed now. Nothing remembered of the blood that had covered it. Only some, only a few days ago... Haruka sighed oppressed as she threw it into the dustbin. She was sure that she would never be able to wear it again.
***
It was still cloudy outside and fresh wind moved the naked branches of the grey trees around them. The grass was frozen and cracked when they walked above it. But the sun finally found a hole in the thick blanket of dark clouds and it's light shone peacefully at the sleeping earth underneath. It brought a little bit warmth with it. It's rays touched three smiling faces, was reflected in three pairs of sparkling eyes. It brought a little bit warmth with it. And a little bit of hope. "I wanna walk onma own!" demanded a high child's voice and two lower voices laughed as a small girl ran with uncertain steps over the wide meadow. Winter birds flew through the air, dark spots against a grey sky. They screamed loudly in the peaceful silence. Nothing was heard but the rushes of the near sea and time by time the engine of a car driving away from the park of Tokyo city. The green oasis as the people called it - in summer. "Be careful, princess." Two strong hands hold the tiny arms of the small girl who squeaked for joy. A happy smile laid on her face and only if you looked closer you could see pale scars on the now redden cheeks. She wore thick trousers and a dark blue jacket. A white cap covered her dark hairs and her almost black eyes looked loving up at her parents. "Aim strong!" declared the little girl and grabbed faithfully the reaching hands. "Hai, you are, my princess." Declared Haruka and gave her daughter a kiss on the forehead. Then she let her go and Hotaru run again some steps. Very proud about herself. You're strong. And you grow stronger. With every smile. With every laugh. With every day you enjoy your life on this earth. Haruka watched her daughter walk and was near her for the case that the little girl would loose her balance. To hold her for the case that Hotaru would fall. I am happy for you, princess. But at the same time I envy your innocence... "She's a wild tomboy." Laughed Michiru and stepped at the other side of her daughter. So that four arms would hold her. Her whole life. Every time Hotaru would need them, her parents would be there. There was nothing to be afraid of. "Just like her mother." Haruka didn't respond anything. She simply watched her daughter and knew that her lover smiled at them both. I am not wild anymore. "I still feel guilty." Said the young violinist after a while they supported Hotaru and stroke some strands of her long sea green hairs behind her ears. "You left the hospital just yesterday. I can't go on tour tomorrow! The whole house's a mess I didn't even tidy up the kitchen!" Michiru sighed deeply and her long white robe wiped as she followed the still running Hotaru. "Don't worry, Michi-chan. I can tidy up the house." Dark green eyes looked for some moments directly into deep blue ones. She didn't have to time to tidy anything up. Because she was almost the whole time in hospital. During the past days she was there to cheer up Himme-chan and to be there for me. Haruka told her about the battle. About what happened at that day almost one week ago. About almost everything. "That's what makes me worry even more." Laughed Michiru but her expression was still very serious. "Hey, hey!" Haruka tried to look angry at her but the sparkling in her deep green eyes betrayed her. "I am not so untidy as you may think. Well... guess, you're right." She left for some seconds the side of her daughter and embraced the smaller senshi softly from behind. Now they were looking at running Hotaru, Haruka's right cheek softly touched Michiru's left one. "The beneficial concerts are very important, Michi-chan. I also would like to go out with you the next two weeks, go to the cinema or simply to the park like we do right now. Hey, I'd do anything but tidy up our house. But look at Himme-chan. She's very lucky. Because with Sailor Moon's help she got a new life. A life where she's not ill and not weak. Where she's wild and free. But many children aren't Michi-chan. Maybe your concerts are only a drop on the hot stone, but if you can help only one of those children to become healthy and strong again, it's worth it." Haruka's voice got shakier and she bit on her lower lip. Then she squeezed her lover tighter. I need you more than I ever had. The senshi of the wind closed her eyes and felt how soft hands were wrapped around her own icy ones. But those children need you, too. "After all I've got Hotaru to tidy up the house, too." Said Haruka after a long while they both listened to the happy laughter of their daughter, to the rushes of the leaves around and to the screaming of the winter birds above. Now the young racer's voice was strong again. And cheeky. "You convinced me, Ruka." Michiru giggled as Hotaru discovered a black bird on the sky and tried to follow it. Her steps were still unsure and it looked very funny when the two year old girl ran. "Although I still have the feeling that I should buy a new house when I'll return. With you two as housewives..." She giggled as Haruka took a deep breathe. "I won't wear an apron! Forget it! And I won't cook a welcome dinner for you when you're returning home. As long as you don't want to be poisoned!" Michiru giggled even more and turned around to give her lover a tender kiss. It lasted for a very long time and Haruka automatically squeezed her Michiru harder as if she never wanted her to let go. How shall I overcome the next terrible weeks? The past nights in hospital were hell and she wondered if she would ever find sleep again in her life. Real sleep. Without nightmares waking her up in the middle of the night. "I'll be back in two weeks, I promise." Said Michiru after they parted partly with a very serious expression on her face. She wanted to say something more as they heard the friendly voices next to the wide meadow. "Look, darling. That's a nice little girl. She's so cute!" An old woman grabbed her husband's arm and pointed over to Hotaru who still tried to catch the raven that was several meters above. Her shoulder long hairs were messed and she stretched her arms to the clouds. "Konnichi wa! How's her name?" asked the old woman and smiled friendly at the couple. Haruka let go of Michiru and smiled back. "Konnichi wa. Her name's Hotaru." Answered Michiru and bowed slightly. The old man winked at the little girl and Hotaru stopped in her haunting. Surprised she looked at the huge man who was almost as huge as her daddy. He smiled friendly and Hotaru looked at him with her big dark eyes. "Hotaru. That means little glow-worm." The old lady watched how Haruka came over and took her still surprised daughter in her strong arms. "You must be very proud parents." "We are." Michiru looked at her lover and her daughter and nodded. Then the old couple said goodbye and turned away to take another way for their journey through the park. Hai, we are. Haruka gave her daughter a loving kiss on the redden cheeks and Hotaru laughed high. She spread her arms and laughed even more as the senshi of the wind rose her into the air. "And now we see our great pilot Hotaru flying through the air!" said Haruka loudly and Hotaru squeaked loudly as her daddy swirled around with her. Her dark eyes were full of happiness. "Mo, daddy!" she demanded but Haruka simply took her into her arms and squeezed her lovingly. Hai, I am very proud of her. Haruka smiled sadly at the future senshi of death, then she danced again with the little girl around the meadow. The high laughter filled the air, the whole park. Michiru watched them and again she felt that they were a real family. One day after they adopted Hotaru from the recent Dr. Tomoe she got that feeling for the first time. And she enjoyed it. Her parents died when she was young and Haruka and Hotaru were the first people she loved so unconditionally. Only two weeks, then I'll be here again. Normally Michiru took them with her on tour, but Haruka had some more races to do to finish - and certainly to win - this year's Grand Prix of Japan. And even if the battle had been some days ago and Hotaru was wild and energetically again they both decided that it was better for her to rest in Tokyo. I hate it to leave them behind. But Haruka knew that Michiru would never ever hide in her own world, leaving her family behind. "Look, mommy. I fly!" screamed Hotaru and clapped in her hands. The sun shone from heaven through a tiny hole between the heavy clouds and it's rays surrounded the tiny body Haruka hold tight in her strong arms. Happy dark eyes meet loving green ones. Haruka swallowed hard before she put the little girl on the grass again, took Michiru's right hand and left together with her family the meadow. Still looking at her daughter She's worth every pain.
***
The bend came nearer and nearer. Haruka knew that she was too fast for it. That she would crash into the white wall near the road. That she wouldn't survive the accident. That she would die. That my nightmares are over - at last. At that moment she saw the familiar faces between yelling fans. That I would leave them behind... The bend came and automatically Haruka slowed her car down and passed it living. Passed the finish line as the winner - with tears burning in her eyes.
***
"You're lucky that it doesn't rain." Sceptically Ami looked up at the grey sky and counted the umbrella Mamoru was wearing. They all declared that it wouldn't rain. Even the meteorologist declared that it would become a cloudy, cool but nice day. But Ami didn't believe them. "Hai, because I've ordered such a nice weather." A girl with two blonde plaits passed her and looked curiously around. "You're such a baka. When you ordered the weather, why didn't you chose sunshine? And a hot temperature. Then we could go to the sea swimming!" declared Rei and Minako giggled as the two were running down the parking space. Hunting each other. Long blonde and black hairs swirled in the wind and Usagi's screams could be heard over the whole place. "I wonder where they are." Mamoru frowned and put the umbrellas down to take a look at his watch. It was ten minutes past three in the afternoon. They wanted to meet at three and normally the person they were waiting for was even earlier than they. "I guess she thought that we wouldn't come before half past three. Because Usako can be very lazy and very slow when she tries to make her hairs." Declared a tall girl with long brown hairs next to him. She hold a big basket in her arms and hoped that the other would like the picnic she prepared at home. Mamoru who still watched his girlfriend being haunted by the young priest giggled as he heard Makoto's words. But he was wise enough to respond nothing. Usagi often heard the words she shouldn't hear and didn't hear the words that were important for her. She was sometimes really clumsy but the tall man loved the girl very much. Not only because he knew that she would be his future Queen. He loved her for the person she was: Understanding, loving, caring, concerned about the ones she loved. Always helpful. She would never turn her back to a friend and they all knew that she would fight for them. That she would walk through hell as long as there was still a ray of hope. That's why she was able to rescue Hotaru. And to give Haruka and Michiru a second chance after the appearance of the talismans. Maybe Usagi was sometimes clumsy, maybe she cried a lot and maybe she could behave childish, she was the best friend they all could imagine. "Hope they didn't have an accident." Ami's voice was really concerned as she stepped next to Mamoru. Her blue eyes watched the street next to the parking space concentrated behind her glasses. Wind played with the strands of her shoulder long blue hair but she didn't even mentioned it. "Haruka and an accident? She's a formula one racer." Laughed Makoto and went over to free Usagi from a raging Rei. Often they had their tiny battles and they both seemed to enjoy it, but Makoto didn't want to be ashamed for them - especially when they dirtied their clothes and looked like two little children. Although they would pay less when they would be little children. Makoto smiled, then she stepped determined between the still arguing girls. "Stop it, now!" was all she had to say to see in two guilty shinning pairs of eyes. "I've already seen a horse! There, next to the entrance!" A high voice interrupted the sudden silence of the parking space and a girl of maybe ten years run over the asphalt. High trees surrounded the parking space and two plaids of pink hairs looked strange in all the grey the cold world offered them. It was November now and it would be another long way until nature would green again. But the sunshine didn't disappear so easily. At last not very easy when the girl smiled happily at her future daddy. "And two pigs grunted over there and..." exited Chibiusa told Mamoru what she had already seen. The tall man went on his knees to order the scarf that protected her neck and to close the bottoms of her white jacket. It was almost the same style her future mother wore. "I am very curious if the pigs look like Usako." Declared Chibiusa and showed the future Queen of Crystal Tokyo her tongue. Usagi blushed and took an angry breathe. "You...!" Four inner senshi looked tortured at the grey sky and waited for another argument to broke out. But instead of loud, angry words they heard the breaks of a car. They all turned their heads and saw how a the senshi of the wind climbed out of the car. She bowed to help her daughter out of the child's seat. Hotaru laughed happily as she saw her aunts and her uncle and tried to run over to Chibiusa. But Haruka hold her back and corrected her white cap. She didn't want her daughter to become ill. "Now you're ready." She declared with a silent voice and observed how the future senshi of death run over to her best friend. Chibiusa forgot about her argument with Usagi and took the little girl in her arms and swirled around with her. Hotaru laughed and dark eyes looked trustfully into loving pink ones. "Gomen, I am too late, but I simply couldn't find the key." Declared Haruka as she rose from her kneeling position and locked the silver Ferrari. Then she slowly came over to the rest of the Sailor Team. "Hotaru had hide it and thought it was very funny to see me searching for it." She smiled a tired smile and Ami automatically frowned. She had never seen the strongest of all senshi ever weak. Not even during the final fight against Mistress 9. Guess she's simply missing her Michiru. But at the same time the senshi of water was unsure. Michiru went more than once on tour and Haruka had never been as pale as she was today. Maybe she's getting a flu? She's always so careless. Ami looked at the open dark jacket of the young car racer and saw that Haruka wore a black jeans and a black pullover. And she asked herself when the senshi of wind changed her fashion. Normally she liked bright colours. Yellow was her favourite colour. Now she could be overseen in the grey nature that surrounded her. "Where's Setsuna? She didn't answer the phone." Haruka searched in her jacket for money and was glad that she didn't forget it on the table. As I forgot a lot during the past weeks. Michiru was on tour for ten days now. Only four more days and she would return. But Haruka wasn't sure if she should be happy or scared about it. Because when she was alone she could live with her ghosts. With her personal fears. The others didn't see them because she didn't let them mentioned that she wasn't feeling fine. That she didn't get enough sleep. That she spend most of the night kneeling at the ground of her shower. But Michiru would mention it. Sooner than later. She knows me too well. "She's still at work. She wants to follow when she's allowed to go at five. " answered Mamoru and took all the umbrellas again in his hand. As Haruka frowned he only shook his head and pointed over to Ami. Slightly the senshi of wind replied her future King's smile. "Then let's go into the zoo!!!" screamed Chibiusa and run back to the entrance. She had to run very slowly because Hotaru's legs were shorter than her ones but Chibiusa would have preferred to crawl than to let go of the warm hand that laid trustfully in her own one. "Zoo?" The future senshi of death laid her head into her neck and looked up at the table near the entrance. It showed different animals between green trees. "Mongy." She laughed and pointed at the brown animal. Chibiusa only smiled. She didn't corrected her best friend that the animal was called monkey. The future senshi was still too small to pronounce it the right way. "And it's not very expensive." Said Ami after she studied the prices. She corrected her glasses and looked up as Haruka bowed to pick up some coins. "It's almost winter. Most of the animals do their winter sleep and it's simply too cold for most of the people." Answered Makoto and thanked Rei who helped her with the heavy basket. "Do you want to feed an whole army?" asked the young priest and giggled as they exchanged glances. "Hai, you're right. Usako is indeed an army when she eats." Again she giggled as she saw the blondes angry look that suddenly changed into sadness as the senshi of the moon looked into her money bag. The she blushed. "Gomen, Mamo-chan, but..." she declared but was interrupted by Rei who rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me that you spend your whole pocket money for that manga yesterday." "Hai..." Usagi's eyes watered and everyone knew that she would cry within the next minutes. "But it was such a good manga and I..." Now she started to cry and Mamoru gave her a handkerchief. "Don't worry, Usagi. I'll pay." Said Haruka without looking up from the money in her trembling hands. "Be my guests." A tomboy smile appeared on her pale face as she went to the counter and talked friendly to the young woman standing behind a dirty window. “You’re my best friend.” Declared Usagi and embraced the tall woman from behind. She frowned, but only for a second, as Haruka winced away quickly. “You told me I was your best friend when I bought you yesterday an ice cream.” Complained Rei and another argument started. Haruka freed herself from Usagi’s arms and gave the service girl the money. She smiled as she handled the young car racer the entrance cards and two caps for the children and wished them a nice day. "What the..." Mamoru looked at the caps in Haruka's hands and burst out into wild laughter. The caps were grey with two big elephant ears on each side. The two girls wore it with pride. And after they talked friendly to the service girl again, Usako got such a nice cap, too. Her one with blue with a long fish tail that looked like a third plaid. "You look so silly!" Rei showed Usagi her tongue. "You're only jealous!" The girl showed the priest her tongue back. Then they entered the zoo and exited they saw all the animals that weren't in winter sleep now. Monkeys screamed and Makoto laughed loudly as she gave them some of the bananas she carried on her great basket. Usagi, who was already hungry, got a banana, too and shared it with Rei, who jumped around her, waving her arms and behaving like a crazy monkey. Chibiusa was very exited when she was allowed to stroke a pony and Hotaru hold up bravely a piece of sugar the little horse ate with passion. Mamoru liked the flamingos and Ami loved it to watch the fishes in the huge aquarium. It looks like the sea... Haruka stood in front of it her thoughts drifted away with the silent, beautiful animals. What is Michi-chan doing right now? She sighed deeply and felt a warm hand placed on her right shoulder. As she looked up she saw in two understanding blue eyes. "We all miss her. But the concerts are over in four days and Hotaru enjoys this visit to the zoo." Declared Ami seriously and smiled up at the senshi of the wind. Haruka only nodded back. Unable to smile. Unable to move. After some more minutes they went over to see the tigers and the lions. Usagi was very exited and screamed as one tiger roared loudly and the rest of the senshi burst out into laughter. So the hours flew by and suddenly it was dawn. And time for dinner. "And I thought I'd have to carry it for the rest of my life." Groaned Rei while they looked at a big sign that stood in the middle of the zoo and showed them where to go best to eat the delicious meal Makoto had prepared for all of them. Especially Usagi, who declared an hour ago that she was hungry, pointed exited at different houses and pavilions that were very good in the summer and maybe the same good when Rei heated them up with her fire. “And I can’t wait to eat your chicken.” Declared Usagi and smiled greedy more at the basket than at Makoto. She didn’t see the shadows coming from behind. Nor did the others. “How could you guess that it’s chicken?” wanted Rei to ask and her dark eyes sparkled, because she loved chicken, too. With a good bread and a lot of cheese. “Because I can smell it.” Answered Usagi and Chibiusa left for the first time Hotaru’s side to risk a look into the bask. “Yap.” She commented. “It’s chicken. I hope it’s enough for all of us when Usagi likes it that much.” Chibiusa looked innocently up at Makoto and the other senshi burst out into laughter. Only Haruka watched them in silence. But a thin smile appeared on her face as she saw how Usagi tried to catch a laughing Rei who joked about her. I am very glad that they are my friends. Haruka sighed deeply and leaned herself against the big sign. I am very glad that they don’t know about it. “Hey, you beauties! What are you doing so lonely at this late hour?” asked suddenly a deep voice loudly and two shadows stepped out of the dark. They were two man at the thirty and they reeled slightly. Haruka’s mouth was nothing more than a line as she recognized that they both were drunken. Determined they walked over to Ami and a book fell down on the ground as one of the men grabbed her rudely. “Leave her in peace!” whispered Haruka and left her place. Protectively she stepped before Hotaru and clenched her fists. “Just leave us alone!” She wanted to them to go. To beat them down. To free Ami. To kick them until they felt the pain she got to know too well during the past weeks. But she couldn’t. For the first time in her whole life she couldn’t move. She just stood there, like a protecting wall between the rude men and her daughter. Maybe she wasn’t able to defend the others anymore. And certainly she wasn’t able to defend herself anymore. But surely she was still able to defend Hotaru. Even if they have to kill me! Haruka swallowed hard and watched how Usagi took her Chibiusa in her arms and Mamoru walked determined over to the two men. Rei and Makoto followed her. They don’t have to kill me. Some other already did it... The senshi of the wind watched how Rei and Makoto freed Ami and how Mamoru stepped protectively between the rude men and the girls. “Didn’t you hear what that lady said?” asked Mamoru in a dangerous quiet voice and Haruka knew with a sudden why he was going to be the future King of Crystal Tokyo. Why Usagi loved him so much and why Chibiusa adored him. And why we all trust him. Even if it would cost our lives. “Lady? That’s a lady? I thought it’s a man!” laughed one of the man rude and pointed at Haruka. The senshi of the wind didn’t react. She only glanced back at him, feeling Hotaru who grabbed her right leg and hold it tight. Her big dark eyes were full of fear and tears. “Go! Immediately!” Mamoru clenched his fists and showed them to the men to make sure that it wasn’t an empty threat. Makoto and Rei stepped next to him. Ready to throw not only roses, but also lightening and fire at them. The men looked at each other, then they heard another voice from the darkness of the evening: “Do what he told you or you’ll regret it!” Silently the men decided that it was better to go. They opened another beer bottle, drank a bit gulp and waved at the girls. “Bye, you sweetheart.” One man winked at Haruka but kept silent when he saw Mamoru’s warning look. The young man looked really frightening and suddenly the rude man didn’t want to know how much his fists could hurt. So they turned around and left the zoo. Ami took a relieved breathe and Mamoru went over to embrace his future wife and his future daughter. “Everything’s okay.” He declared to them. “Looks as if I came right in time.” Said Setsuna and stepped out of the shadow. She frowned as she saw how a very pale Haruka took her daughter in her arms and rocked her gently. But the senshi of wind couldn’t define who comforted whom. It’s the first time that she didn’t shout at guys like them. That she didn’t beat them down. That the rest of the Sailor Team doesn’t has to hinder her to kill an enemy. “Everything alright?” asked the oldest of the senshi and stepped closer to Haruka. But she couldn’t see into her eyes because the young car racer turned away from her and went over to the sign again. “Hai.” Nothing’s alright. But she can’t change time, although she’s it’s senshi. “What about the chicken, Usako?” she asked and ignored the nausea increasing in her belly. The memories were too fresh. She couldn’t simply put them away. “I thought you were hungry?” Her voice was teasing, but her whole body trembled. Hotaru grabbed her neck and looked with still big eyes at her papa. A thin smile appeared on her now pale face as Haruka lowered her head and whispered something nice in her ears. Kissed her cheeks softly. Embraced her tighter. At the moment nothing’s alright. But time heals all wounds. I just have to be patient and maybe one day I’ll be strong enough again to beat them down. To dispel them. “Hai.” Usagi blushed as Rei took a deep breathe. But soon they all forgot about the rude men and looked for a nice place to make their dinner. They all laughed, ate and talked for a very long time. It was a wonderful evening and Chibiusa played with lucky shinning pink eyes with her best friend Hotaru. They were very exited about the festival that would take part in some weeks at Chibiusa’s school. And they talked about a new boy group the girls liked very much and Mamoru didn’t even know. So they declared him every single detail about the three cute boys. Of course Usagi declared that she only loved her Mamo-chan but the rest of the team laughed when she declared that she liked the songs very much. And the dancing of the boys, of course. None of them mentioned that Haruka didn’t eat anything at all. And none of them mentioned that she kept silent.
***
She stood in silence. In darkness. The moon shone through the open window and glass sparkled in it’s dimmed light. Haruka watched the framed picture in her trembling hands. It showed her how she embraced her lover from behind. Michiru was holding a laughing baby in her arms – little Hotaru when she had been only half a year old. We look like real family. Haruka sighed deeply. Wind played with her messed blonde hairs, with her sweaty pyjama. It made her shiver but she couldn’t move to close the window. I laugh so happily. The young car racer stared blind at the picture, looking through it, glancing into nothing. Will I ever be that happy again? It cracked as glass hit the ground and smashed.
***
Soft music filled the air, surrounded the audience and let the musician almost float over the wide stage. She wore a long, narrow evening dress. It sparkled blue in the stage’s lights. Her long sea green hairs covered her back. Soft wind played with some strands but she didn’t even mentioned it. A smile laid on her beautiful face. Her eyes were closed. She danced over the wide stage, barefoot. All she mentioned was the violin on her shoulder and the music that evolved from the bow touching the strings. It was a soft, sensitive song. Michiru got the honour to finish the beneficial concert with a last song and she decided for a love song she once wrote for her Ruka. When Dr. Tomoe died and Haruka declared her that she wanted to adopt Himme-chan. Of course the senshi of the wind never declared that she hated the small girl. Nor did she ever say that she didn’t want to have children. But Michiru had been surprised as Haruka said openly that she loved their little princess and that she wanted the young violinist and her to be her parents – forever. Hai, she’s the best daddy I can imagine. Michiru smiled and remembered a black haired girl running down the light corridors of the house by the sea. Waking them up early at Sunday morning. Creeping under the warm blankets and laying down between her parents to sleep for another hour. Knowing that she was loved. That she was safe and secure. That she had a place she could return – every time. Whatever happened. Hai, Hotaru’s the best child I can imagine. Michiru smile grew wider. And I am the proudest mother one can imagine. “NO!” She heard the scream. It wasn’t very loud and for some seconds she thought she had imagined it. But there it was again. This time a little bit louder. A little bit more intensive. A little bit more real. Michiru turned her head and opened her eyes. And gasped. She didn’t stay on her stage anymore. Now she stood at a dirty street. Rough wind played with her evening dress and she started to shiver. The air smelled of rain and of steam. Dirty and used. “NO!” She saw her Ruka down the street. It seemed as if she was fighting against someone Michiru couldn’t see. Is that a new vision? Michiru frowned and wondered if another enemy was near. She had those visions quite often when they still searched for the talismans and thought that they had to kill the messiah of silence. Lucky that Sailor Moon changed most of my visions. “No...” Now the scream died away and Michiru could see how her Ruka was attacked by several shadows. Then the vision was gone and she stood on her stage again, just finishing the last note of her last song. Confused she stared into the applauding audience. For several times she blinked and thanked to the guy who brought her flowers. Her and the other artists who had given the beneficial concert with her. There had been ten concerts over two weeks. This was the last one and tomorrow she would return home. To her Himme-chan and to her Ruka. Strange, this dream. After the curtain fell down she went back into her cloakroom, still thinking about the vision. Hope Ruka’s alright. She frowned, laid her violin carefully into the instrument case, put the flowers on the table and automatically dialled a number at her handy. It beeped for about ten times. She took a deep breathe and tried it again. It’s in the middle of the night, you baka! Surely she’s sleeping deep and tight. Michiru smiled as she imagined her Ruka laying on her bed. Her hairs messed, the blanket laying at the carpet around the bed. Usually she creeps under my blanket in the middle of the night. But today I am not there. Hope she doesn’t freeze tonight. At the moment she wanted to give up she heard how the telephone was answered. “Hai? Here’s at Kaioh and Tenô.” she heard a low, shaky voice. It sounded strange in her ears and Michiru sat down in a chair and frowned again. Has she been crying? Michiru shook her head, suddenly very pale and very, very worried. But then she remembered how late it was and that she probably woke her lover up. Surely Haruka’s voice was full of sleep. Hell, I am so concerned after that silly vision! “Gomen, Ruka. Here’s Michiru. I didn’t want to wake you up, but...” She smiled as she heard how her lover took the handy and moved back into her bedroom. Her smile grew wilder as she heard how Haruka stumbled – surely over her blanket – and cursed as she hit her right leg at the bed. “Hi Michi-chan. You don’t have to apologize. I love it to be waken up by your beautiful voice.” Teased her the young car racer and laughed. But it was somehow a shaky laughter. And there was another strange noise at the background. Like water falling. Is the shower working? “Is it raining?” asked Michiru instead and was kind of relieved as Haruka agreed. “I had a strange vision and I wanted to make sure that you’re feeling alright.” She heard how Haruka groaned and heard how the young racer opened a door. Surely to enter the huge balcony that overlook the wide ocean. “Don’t tell me that the sea’s getting wild again. It’s almost two years that we defeated Mistress 9. I thought it’s over now and that Sailor Moon doesn’t have to fight anymore. That the danger’s over now.” “I don’t know, Ruka. Maybe it was just a silly dream I had. I played a love song and I guess I missed you too much. Especially after the attack three weeks ago. You know, I overreact so easily.” Michiru walked over to the window and raised her head to look at the moon. Knowing that Haruka was watching the same moon right in that moment. She heard how her girlfriend took a deep breathe. “And, how was your concert?” asked the young racer and changed the topic. Michiru smiled sadly. She knew that Haruka wanted to comfort her and was depressed that she couldn’t. Because several hundred miles parted them. Michiru looked at her violin case and made a decision. “Fine.” She answered while she took her robe out of her wardrobe. “Ruka?” “Hai?” The voice was very silent at the other end of the line and Michiru could imagine an almost sleeping Haruka. Surely her eyes were closed and she leaned against the handrail of the balcony. “I love you, sweetheart.” There was a tender laughter and the noise of a soft kiss. “I love you, too, darling.”
***
She kneeled next to the bed. Unable to move. Unable to think. She stared with empty green eyes at the sleeping girl down in the small bed, holding her teddy tight in her tiny arms. Haruka swallowed hard. Her hairs were still wet and although she changed her pyjama twice that night the cloth was still sweaty. Her fists were clenched in her lap and the pain was driving her crazy. But she didn’t make any sound. No whimper, no sobbing. She simply kneeled there and observed her daughter. I mustn’t give up. Haruka stretched her shaking hand and touched dark hairs that felt like velvet. The little girl didn’t awake. A smile laid on her face while she dreamed an innocent child’s dream. I mustn’t give up for Himme-chan.
***
It was already dawn when she came home. It had been an exhausting fly and it took her some nerves to get a taxi at that early hour that brought her from the airport to the light house by the sea. Michiru put her violin case on the round table at the kitchen and moved silently upstairs. She rubbed her burning eyes and yawned. She didn’t sleep a lot during the past 24 hours but she had to come back. To know that everything was alright. To know that her Ruka and her Himme-chan were okay. To know that her vision hadn’t been more than just a silly nightmare. “Ruka?” she whispered as she sneaked into their bedroom. The first lights of a new born day shone through the open window. It was very cold in the room and the bed was a mess. Both blankets laid on the carpet, the pillows looked as if someone had squeezed them very hard. Only an old teddy bear laid carefully on that chaos. Safe and secure. Michiru smiled as she went over to touch the brown fur. Sometimes Ruka’s still a small child. And that’s good so. She heard the rushes of the shower and went over to the bathroom. But it was empty. Only the shower was running. Steam filled the bathroom, the mirrors were blind. Some towels laid on the ground and Michiru knew that Haruka tried her best to tidy up the house but finally failed. She has other qualities. Michiru turned off the shower and left the bedroom. She found her lover at the child’s room. The young racer kneeled next to the small bed. She wasn’t sleeping. The senshi of the wind stared with tired eyes at a hard breathing Hotaru. A white, wet towel laid on the small girl’s forehead and her cheeks were redden. Several medicine laid around on the soft carpet and some sheets of paper covered the handy. “Ruka?” whispered Michiru and looked scared at her daughter. Her heart stopped to beat as Haruka turned around and the young violinist looked into a very pale and very tired face. Then it beat again as the young car racer smiled slightly at her. “Don’t worry, Michi-chan. She has only a cold. Three days ago we went into Tokyo’s zoo and it got very late and very cold in the evening. I didn’t mention that she was freezing and now she and Chibiusa lay in bed with fever and cough. But the doctor says that there’s nothing to be worried about. She’ll be okay within the next two or three days.” Declared Haruka and Michiru could feel how much she trembled as she embraced her girlfriend carefully. “Gomen, Michi-chan. It was my fault. I should protect Himme-chan from every danger and not to make her ill!” whispered the young car racer, lowered her head and leaned it against Michiru’s shoulder. She’s so nice warm. She feels so good. “Hush, Ruka. It’s not your fault. She’s a small child and it’s normal to be a little bit sick during the cold autumn’s and winter’s time. As long as it’s not serious.” Michiru squeezed her lover tighter and gave her a tender kiss on the forehead. Haruka didn’t look up. She oppressed a yawn and closed her eyes. “You guarded her the whole of the night?” asked Michiru softly after a while and started rocking her still trembling lover. She knew how much Haruka loved Hotaru and she knew how scared the senshi of the wind was of ever losing their daughter. Although she would have never admitted it openly. “Hai.” A low, tired answer. After I took three showers that couldn’t clean me. “Then have some rest, Ruka. I’ll keep an eye on her. Don’t worry, I slept enough in the plane.” Declared Michiru, reached over for another blanket and covered the freezing body of her lover. Haruka didn’t protest. She simply laid down on the soft carpet, laid her head in Michiru’s lap and allowed her mind to drift away into a dark dreamland. She felt how Michiru started to stroke her short blonde hairs and suddenly the loneliness disappeared from her life that had haunted her down just some hours ago. The emptiness. It feels so right... “Michi-chan?” asked Haruka and yawned again before sleep could take away her thoughts. Her doubts and her fears. “Hai?” The stroking didn’t stop and the young car racer was very grateful about it. “Arigato that you came home earlier. It means much for me – and for Himme-chan.” Haruka was even too tired to blush. When did I sleep the last time? Really sleep? She frowned but relaxed as the stroking kept going on. Somewhere she heard a soft voice humming a sweet melody. Guess I slept the last time before Michiru went to her concerts. And the last real sleep was before that day three weeks ago... “I know, sweetheart. Have sweet dreams.” Declared the young violinist and rocked her lover gently. “I love you, Ruka.” The senshi of the wind only smiled a thin smile before she finally fell asleep.
***
Grey light filled the arena as she walked towards her race car. It sparkled red and thoughtfully she stroke over the lacquer. It felt soft under her finger tips. But also cold and lifeless. How could this ever been so important to me? Haruka put her helmet over her head and climbed behind the steering wheel. For a long time she stared blank at the displays and rested motionless in her seat. How could I’ve been so blind? The race had been very important for her a long time ago. Now she knew that the most important thing in her whole life her family was. But know she wasn’t sure if it wasn’t already too late for that wonderful dream. I’ve been such a baka! To let my future die like this...
***
The fans yelled at the winners. Although it was bitter cold the arena was filled. Today was another important race of this year's Grand Prix and their most favourite car racer won this race. Only two more races and he would have won the whole battle: Tenô Haruka. She stood at the stage and hold up her trophy. A tomboy smile laid on her face and she winked at the fans. They yelled back and the second and the third winner splashed her with champagne. But she didn't feel the cool fluid wetting her red racing suit. She didn't feel the wind playing with her sweaty short blonde hairs. She didn't even see the flashes from the cameras that crossed the air. Motionless she stood there, holding her trophy and grinning a frozen smile. Her eyes looked empty at the reporters and she only threw the champagne at the other winners because it was tradition. Once she had loved that moment. She had enjoyed every second she could stay on this stage. Often Michiru climbed on this stage, too and she splashed her, too. And afterwards we took a shower - together... Haruka shivered and was grateful that she was now allowed to leave the stage. She sneaked through different corridors and sighed relieved when she saw that there was no reporter on her secret way. She didn't want to talk about her newest victory. Because it wasn't so important to her anymore. I am glad that Michiru didn't come. Surely the senshi of the wide ocean had seen the sadness she tried desperately to hide behind her tomboy smile. But Michiru had to take care for Hotaru. Although the fever was gone, the little girl still felt weak. She needed her parents around to get quickly healthy again. Over three weeks since that day... Haruka entered her team's rooms and laid the trophy and her helmet on the table. Hotaru recovered well and only if you looked closer you could see the thin scar on her forehead. But mostly it was covered by her shoulder long black hairs. I am so glad that she doesn't remember it. Hotaru was a happy, always laughing and wild little girl again. After three days she was allowed to leave the hospital - together with her Haruka-papa. Since that time everything turned it's known way. They went to the zoo, ate ice cream, fed the ducky at the lake near the park. But at the same time everything was different. Haruka drove her races and won one after another. She broke the track records not only once and she had more than once an argument with Michiru that she shouldn't race so wild. So dangerously. During the two weeks Michiru had been at her beneficial concerts she called her up more than once to tell her that she didn’t like her style at the last race. Haruka sighed and locked the door. Then she stripped her race suit slowly and walked over to the bathroom. For a long time she stared at her reflection in the mirror and sighed again. Dark green eyes looked empty back at her. The bruises disappeared and nothing remembered in her face or at the other skin of her body what happened only three weeks ago. That a man actually defeated her. That he beat her down until she bleed. He almost broke my right arm. Still it hurt sometimes when she moved it but she could live with that pain. Sparkling tears shone in her eyes and she turned away from the other woman that seemed to be a stranger for her with a sudden. This pain is so tiny compared with the other pain... Haruka swallowed hard and stripped her underwear. She didn't want to look at her naked body and so she wrapped a towel around it. Then she stepped into the cabin and closed her eyes as the hot water fall down on her. I wish I could tell Michi-chan. Haruka sighed worn-out and stood under the shower. The hot water burned on her skin but it couldn't wash away the dirt she still felt on her pale skin. She took so many showers the last three weeks she wondered if she was turning into a fish one day. But she couldn’t wash the dirt off her skin. She never felt really clean when she left it. Even if she took three showers each night and changed her clothes every day. But it would break her heart. Somewhere there was shampoo and shower gel but today she didn't use it. She just stood there her head and her shoulder hang. Water ran down her back and her face. It tasted salty. And what about my own heart? I mustn't give up! She clenched her fists and ask herself how she could have been so stupid that day three weeks ago. So stupid and so careless. She was the senshi of wind. The strongest of all Sailors. But he simply beat her down when he got the power over her - with Hotaru. What else could I have done? Otherwise he would have killed her. Haruka leaned her head against the wall and swallowed hard. When she was together with her lover or with the rest of the Sailor team she could ignore her memories, she could forget about that day for a small while. But when she was alone, on her own like she was right now, her thoughts were haunting her like a wild animal that was trapped in a cage. Without a chance of ever escaping again. The water was incredible hot but she wouldn't give in her dizzy feelings. She wouldn't allow herself to let this pain finish. To let it be replaced by another, a deeper, a worse kind of pain. I'd rather die than to lose Himme-chan or Michi-chan. So she died... "Ruka?" She winced fiercely as the door to her cabin was opened. A warm body stepped behind her and before she could react she felt soft arms that embraced her tenderly. "Congratulations to your great victory. You beat them all." Whispered Michiru and kissed her girlfriend loving on the neck and smiled as Haruka shivered automatically. Hai, I beat them all. I broke the track record and won this race. Because I wanted to see if my car would break if I'd push it to the limits. But her car didn't break and so she reached the finish line as one of the fastest racers Japan had ever seen. One year ago she would have been happy to be so fast. So popular. So unbeatable. But now all she felt was a strange feeling of emptiness she couldn't get rid of. Haruka opened her eyes, but she couldn't turn to face her lover. So she stared at the white flagstones that were covered with water. Dust rose and filled slowly the cabin. She didn't move as she felt Michiru's hands opening the towel she was still wearing. It flew with a wet noise on the ground and Haruka winced again as she felt her lover's naked body pressed against her own one. "Is that a new fashion? To take a shower with your towel?" teased Michiru and continued to kiss her back. Haruka swallowed hard but still she wasn't able to say anything. It was so wonderful to be touched by the one and only woman in her life. But at the same time it felt so strange. So unreal. "Michi-chan..." Haruka's voice was shaky and Michiru giggled as she stroke over her lover's slim belly. She could feel how the taller senshi winced again and pressed her harder against herself. "No, please, not." Stammered Haruka and bit on her lower lip as the caressing hands stopped at her belly. "Why?" The young violinist didn't sound disappointed or angry. She simply sounded very surprised. They both liked it to take a shower together after one exiting race. The taller woman didn't respond anything. She just stood there, her hands seized the wall and wet strands of her short blonde hair covered her face with shadows. Michiru wasn't able to see her lover's expression. So she started her caressing again and smiled tenderly as she heard her lover's oppressed groans. She had a hard day at the track. That race was very important for the whole Grand Prix. Guess I simply have to show her that it's over now. Michiru's smile became wolfish as her hands touched Haruka's legs and the tall woman winced again. This feels so damn good! Haruka closed her eyes again and tried to concentrated on her lover's touch. Only on her touch. That could help her to forget what happened in the past. She's my future. She and Hotaru. They're the only reasons for me being alive any longer... Haruka sighed deeply as she felt Michiru's hands at her most sensitive skin and automatically spread her legs. Still the water was falling from above and it was very warm. It covered her like a nice blanket. Together with her lover at her side. Here no one could do her any harm. Here she was safe and secure. Here the night and all nightmares didn't exist any longer. >Whore!< Haruka eyes flew wide open as she heard the rude voice in her head. Over and over again. "No..." she whimpered and pushed Michiru's hands away. Her whole body trembled as she reached for her wet towel and left the cabin as if there was suddenly something really frightening in it. Michiru blinked confused and switched off the shower. Then she followed her lover. Haruka covered her naked body quickly with her wide black shirt and reached for her dark jeans. She lost weight. I didn't mention it. Michiru frowned as she went over to her lover - still naked. "We should go now. Hotaru's surely waiting for us. I can't believe that you..." "Hush." Michiru embraced her taller girlfriend and felt how she trembled. Shortly she saw into sad green eyes before Haruka turned her head away. "Hotaru's safe. Ami and Rei are with her. I simply wanted to watch your race." She raised her hand and stroke through the wet short hairs. They felt like velvet. "Gomen, Michi-chan. The race was exhausting and I don't... I mean, I..." Haruka sighed deeply but Michiru interrupted her words with a short but loving kiss. "You don't have to apologize. We'll have enough time for ourselves at the week-end." She giggled and leaned her head against Haruka's shoulder. She felt how her lover embraced her, too and pressed her slightly against the still trembling body. Why is she so excited? Michiru frowned and held her taller senshi tighter. Is it really just because of that race? "If our Himme-chan gives us that time." Answered Haruka very slowly and leaned her head against Michiru's and smelled the scent of her sea green hairs. She knew that she wouldn't be able to take that time for her girlfriend the next week-end. She didn't even knew if she would ever be able again. I love you so much! But I don't want to hurt you... "Hotaru's feeling better now. What do you think if we're going to the cinema the next Saturday? Usagi and the other want to come with us. It's a cartoon about chicken and it should be very funny." Asked Michiru, her eyes still closed. Still leaning against her lover. Enjoying the presence and the embrace of the other one. "It sounds okay. If Himme-chan likes that movie I'd watch everything." Declared Haruka and felt how her shirt was getting wet again. But she didn't care about it. "How could you sneak into this room? I locked the door." Michiru raised her head and deep blue eyes looked for some seconds into dark green ones. It's the first time that she locked it. She never felt affected when one of her team colleagues came into and saw her naked. Why is she suddenly so shy? "Can't you remember? Once you gave me that key so that I could come when you're still at the track to prepare our shower." She giggled as Haruka blushed deeply. But there was something in the taller woman's eyes that made her frown again. Michiru stepped on her tip toes and kissed her carefully. It was a light, tender kiss. And for the first time Haruka let it be so soft. So tenderly. For the first time she didn't give in her temper and the kiss didn't get more passionate. "Ruka...?" asked Michiru concerned and raised her hands to caress over the now redden cheeks. "Everything’s fine, Michi-chan. Just a little bit tired." Haruka smiled a brave smile and gave her lover another light kiss. You liar! Nothing is okay! And you've never been tired when she wanted to love you! Haruka didn't listen to her inner voice. All she wanted to concentrate on was the woman next to her. Who wanted her. Needed her. Obviously loved her. "I love you, Ruka." Whispered Michiru after another kiss ended slowly and the tender smile that appeared on her face melt a bit of the ice that was wrapped around Haruka's heart. The young car racer tightened the embracement and pulled her girlfriend closer. Then she buried her face in wet sea green hairs and could forget that anything else existed but the warm body beside her. I love you, too, Michi-chan. Haruka swallowed hard and could fight back her tears as she felt how Michiru's hands slipped under her wide shirt and started automatically to caress the soft skin of her back. As if she instinctively wanted to calm her lover down. I love you. And that's why I don't want to hurt you. As much as I had been hurt...
***
The sea birds screamed outside the house and an anime hero screamed inside of the TV-set. Hotaru sat in front of it and watched her heroes with big eyes. A blanket was wrapped around her small body while she drank some gulps of her hot honey milk. Michiru laid next to her on the couch and slept deep and tight. It had been a long night with the still ill girl and now here tiredness had overtaken her. None of them noticed the tall woman standing silent in the shadows of the door. Haruka watched her family for a long time without saying a word. I love them so much. Hard she fought against her tears as she thought about the test she did in hospital. Still she had no results and she was very concerned about it. What if it’s positive? Haruka swallowed hard. Then she turned away and left the house by the sea to take a long walk along the beach. What if I’ll lose them forever?
***
Chapter two: Cast your soul to the sea
She felt the cold wall behind her, felt the hot body in front of her. She smelled the alcohol, the dirt and the sweat. Nausea increased in her belly but she knew that she wasn’t allowed to threw up her lunch. “You little whore.” She heard the low voice next to her ear. Hot breathe run over her cheeks and she turned her head away. But she knew that she couldn’t turn away from him. She pressed her closed eyelids harder together and tried to think of nothing. Especially not at him. Her shirt was ripped off and she felt another cold on her body. “You little...” She didn’t listen to his voice. Her fists were clenched, touched the dirty wall behind her. She wanted to beat him down, to push him away, to save herself. But at the same time she knew that she couldn’t. The price for her own freedom would have been too high. Again she felt the cold wall behind and now the cold wind in front of her body. Again she felt his hands touching her rudely. Then her world exploded and all remained was pain. Never ending humiliation. Haruka sat upright in her bed, looking wildly into the darkness of the bedroom. Her breathe was fast and her pyjama wet. Sweaty strands of her short blonde hairs fell in her green eyes that stared shocked at something only she could see. Then she slowly realized where she was and calmed herself down. But she couldn’t oppress the trembling of her body. Nor the silent sobs that tried to escape her throat. The senshi of the wind slowly turned her head and looked down at her girlfriend who laid next to her in the wide bed and slept deep and tight. It had been an exiting evening with Hotaru. The little girl felt weaker in the evening and cried when she had to take her bath. She didn’t want to and as the hours passed the fever returned. It was late after midnight before the future senshi of death finally fell asleep and they could go to bed, too. What will you do when Hotaru’s fine again and she wants to love you? Haruka swallowed hard but couldn’t touch her Michiru. She didn’t find an answer as she find none for so many questions. That were haunting her down every day. Like the nightmares that haunted her down every night. It’s just a silly nightmare! Haruka rose slowly from the bed and went over to the bathroom. She fluctuate and almost stumbled over her blanket that laid on the carpet. She swallowed hard as she closed the door silently behind her and stepped into the shower. As she did so many times the last nights. For over four weeks now. It’s just a silly nightmare. Haruka cowered down on the cold underground and switched on the shower. She knew too well that it hadn’t been just a silly nightmare... The young racer oppressed a desperate sob as she covered her burning face with her ice cold hands and welcomed the darkness that surrounded her with a sudden. That also scared her a lot. She kept cowering in the corner of the cabin and tried to think of nothing. But as always it didn’t work. Still she heard the rude words in her ears. Still she felt the pain flashing through her body. I’ve been too weak! She swallowed hard and bowed her head. Her shoulder hang and she didn’t even feel the cool water running down her body. She didn’t even mention that she still wore her pyjama. Now it was really wet. It’s over a month now... The doctor told her that she would get the results of the test within four weeks. That had been one day after the battle. Haruka was very frightened every day she opened her mailbox. But there was no letter from the hospital. Only advertising and some fan letters for her or Michiru. What if it’s positive? She swallowed hard and didn’t want to think at Himme-chan and her Michi-chan. That would be my death sentence... The young car racer shook her head in disbelieve and wet strands of her short hairs pasted to her frowned forehead. For two years she had have all she ever wanted. All she ever needed. And now all this should be over? She didn’t hear that the door was opened. She didn’t see that the light was switched on. She didn’t feel that the water changed it’s temperature. It wasn’t icy any longer. Now it became warmer and more comfortable. Haruka winced wildly as she suddenly felt two soft arms embracing her shaking body. She wanted to scream. To beat the intruder. To free herself. To run away until she would reach the end of the world – and die there. But at the next moment she heard the known, soft voice and knew that there was no reason for running away. “Hush.” Was all Michiru said while she embraced her lover from behind, pulled her closer and rocked her carefully. She leaned her head against Haruka’s shoulder and could feel how the taller senshi trembled fiercely. For a long time Michiru did nothing more than simply holding her girlfriend tight. Comforting her the way she could. Rocking her, stroking her. Kissing her neck. Haruka didn’t say anything. She simply sat there in the warm shower and felt her Michiru by her side. Felt her girlfriend’s love. And suddenly asked herself is she would be ever able again to love her – not only mental, but also with her body. As long as the test... Silently she started to sob and felt how the embracement got tighter. “What’s wrong?” asked Michiru after another long while and carefully took Haruka’s icy hands into her own warm ones. She loved those hands. There were strong but at the same time very sensitive. “Had a nightmare.” Mumbled Haruka and Michiru couldn’t see her lover’s expression because wet strands of short blonde hair covered a pale face with shadows. “I...” The young car racer took a deep breathe and swallowed hard. “I don’t wanna loose you.” Her voice was very low and very shaky. “Neither you nor Himme- chan...” Now the voice broke and was replaced by another silent sob. Michiru automatically pulled her Ruka tighter to her warm body and covered her neck again with little, loving kisses. “Hey, don’t stress yourself, Ruka. Hotaru’s feeling fine. Nothing happened to her during the fight. You could beat those guys down before they could have hurt our princess. And the flu’s over soon. Chibiusa’s already in school again and believe me till the next week-end our tomboy will be wild again.” Whispered Michiru and sighed deeply. “The attack of the guy wasn’t your fault, Ruka. And that they threaten Hotaru wasn’t your fault, too. You defended her, you brought her to hospital and you made sure that she has no nightmares over that day. So stop your own nightmares, Ruka. The guys aren’t worth it.” Haruka bowed her head a little bit more but didn’t respond anything. This was the right time to tell her lover the truth, but she simply couldn’t. She was too afraid of how Michiru would react. I don’t wanna hurt her. She knew that life wouldn’t be the same again after she’d told her. It wasn’t the same for herself after that day. But it wasn’t fair to ruin Michiru’s life, too. That’s all my fault. Because I had been too careless. Now I have to carry the consequences. But slowly she realized that those consequences were too heavy for her to carry. To carry them alone... Michiru hold her Ruka for the rest of the night, listened to her silent sobs and tried to calm her down. But suddenly she was very concerned about her. Haruka had never been that desperate. Not even during the final battle with Mistress 9 when they thought that they should kill Hotaru. Their Himme-chan they already loved as much as if the little girl would have been their own daughter. What’s wrong with her? But Michiru didn’t ask. She knew that she wouldn’t get an answer today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next week. When Haruka was ready to tell her what was haunting her really in her nightmares. “Don’t worry, Ruka, we’re always here for you. Himme-chan and I. I won’t ever leave you.” Whispered Michiru and hold her girlfriend tighter as she started even more to tremble. Haruka didn’t turn around to face her lover. She simply sat there, feeling the warm water on her skin, her girlfriend’s warm body next to her own one. Her dark green eyes widened as she heard the silent promise from her Michi-chan. She opened her mouth but she was unable to speak a word. To move. To do anything else than trembling. What shall I do when I am the one who is forced to leave you?
***
It rained the whole day. So the whole school decided to have their festival inside. Although they couldn’t grill and the campfire wasn’t allowed in the corridors it was a loud, happy and exiting school festival. “Look, what we’ve made!” Chibiusa winked wildly at them as they entered the old building. It was very high and compared to the weather outside very warm. But Chibiusa was wearing a very thick pullover because her future mother didn’t want her to get ill again. Nor did Ikkuko. “Hello, honey.” Chibiusa left her class’s position and came over to them. The little girl laughed happily as she jumped into her best friend’s arms and the future Princess of Crystal Tokyo swirled around with her. “Dolls!” screamed Hotaru exited after Chibiusa let her go. The future senshi of death looked at the self made dolls. Boys and girls. They were wearing coloured kimonos and suits and had short and long hairs. And a big smile on their faces. “Do you want one, honey?” Chibiusa looked for a doll and gave it to a wild nodding Hotaru. The small girl jumped for luck and embraced her best friend tightly. It looks like her. Haruka looked down at the doll. It was a girl with shoulder long black hairs and a violet dress. It had a wild grin on it’s face and the dark eyes sparkled. Like the ones of her daughter right now while she stared proudly at her new toy and then at her parents. And at last at her best friend. “’gato.” Declared the little girl and laughed happily. “She’s got a doll and I didn’t!” Haruka and Michiru turned around as they heard the angry voice of a seventeen year old girl. Light blue eyes stared angry at innocent pink ones. “They aren’t free, Usagi. You have to buy them and you already wasted all your money. Without Haruka you wouldn’t even had the money to get into the zoo!” snapped Chibiusa back and greeted some students who passed by quickly. They knew Chibiusa's older >sister< and they knew too well how loud they both could scream in an argument. Usagi blushed deeply and tears filled her eyes. “But Hotaru didn’t pay them, too and they’re so cute!” Now she really started to cry. “Hotaru-honey is my best friend. And she doesn’t have any pocket money. Ikkuko gave you enough but you wasted it on silly toys, mangas and sweets. And now you’ll have to wait another week until you’ll get new money!” Chibiusa nodded determined and stepped warning between the toys and her crying future mother. Mamoru came after his girlfriend. Shortly he glanced at Michiru and Haruka and shrugged helpless but knowing his shoulders. He knew that he couldn’t interfere between them so he simply embraced his girlfriend and kept silent. The outer senshi exchanged glances and Haruka nodded slightly. “Shall we buy you one? As an early Christmas present?” asked the young violinist and immediately the tears stopped falling. “This is your seriousness, isn’t it?” asked Usagi and looked with her big eyes at the older young woman and a smile appeared on her face that was full of hope. Full of love. That belonged to Sailor Moon, their future Queen. “Hai, otherwise we would have to see you crying the whole day.” Teased Haruka and did a exaggerating gesture as if she was praying to the mighty gods. “You’re too good for this world.” Growled Chibiusa but handled them a toy. It looked like Usagi: Two long blonde plaits, one white dress and a giant grinning mouth. “It’s so cute! Arigato!” Before the outer senshi could react the girl had embraced them both. Then she turned away to show her new toy to her boyfriend. Mamoru smiled thankful at gave his Usako a short but loving kiss on her now redden cheeks. Michiru only frowned as she felt how Haruka winced away as Usagi embraced them in her great joy. An expression laid on the taller woman’s face Michiru couldn’t define. But before she could ask Haruka had turned away and took her small daughter into her arms again. Hotaru played exited with her new toy and showed it to her papa. The young car racer only smiled loving down at her. Two days passed since that night when Michiru found her Ruka at the ground of the shower. She tried to talk to her lover again about that incident but Haruka kept silent. Every time the young violinist wanted to discuss with her, Haruka was very busy with a sudden. Soon there’ll be the final race and she wanted to win this year’s Grand Prix of Japan. She left the house early in the morning, trained a lot and came back late in the evening. We didn’t even have the time to take a shower together. Michiru frowned again. She didn’t even touch and tease me how she always does. Thoughtful she stared at her lover and watched how she talked tenderly to her daughter who looked up at her with her big dark eyes. Love was written over her face all over. Love and unconditional trust. It’s five weeks now that we slept the last time together. Hai, the last weeks had been very busy. Haruka's races for the Grand Prix, Michiru’s beneficial concerts, Chibiusa’s and Hotaru’s illness. But somehow it was strange this time. Stranger than it had been every time before when they had to do a lot and simply didn’t find the time to share more than some kisses. Sometimes Michiru almost got the feeling that her Ruka was suddenly scared of her touches. She winced away each time she embraced her under the blanket. She left the shower very quickly when Michiru came into the bathroom to join her. Suddenly she wore tracksuits in the light house and preferred dark, inconspicuous, wide clothes. For weeks I didn’t see her running around in just a t-shirt. Or in our sleeping room – naked. Haruka loved it to tease her around in that way – until she was naked, too. But now she avoided it wherever she could. She even changed her clothes in the bathroom – with a locked door. I’ll have to talk to her – seriously! Michiru sighed slightly and looked into shinning blue eyes. She knew that this wasn’t the right place nor the right time. This was Chibiusa’s school festival and Michiru needed a time to talk to her Ruka on her own. At that moment the inner senshi and even Setsuna who was allowed to leave earlier from work, came to them and declared that they wanted to see everything of that nice school. The other agreed and soon Michiru forgot about her doubts. But only for some hours.
***
She yawned oppressed as she stumbled downstairs and opened the heavy entrance door. She shivered as she ran towards the mailbox. Wild November wind was playing with her long sea green hairs and with a determined gesture she grabbed all the letters, the advertising and the newspaper and sneaked back into the warm house by the sea. Michiru often froze in the cold winter’s times so there were heatings overall in the house and even in the coldest winter it was at least as warm as spring in the huge walls covered with drawings. Michiru read the senders while she walked over to the kitchen. Hotaru was still sleeping and the girl wouldn’t wake up before nine o’clock. It was Sunday morning and this week it was her turn to make breakfast. Haruka was still under the shower and in about ten minutes she would come downstairs to tease her around that the rolls weren’t ready now, that the coffee wasn’t black enough and the marmalade, the senshi of wind bought by herself, was too sweet. Or she will simply sit down and watch me in silence as she did the past weeks. Michiru sighed oppressed and wanted to put the letters on the table as her eyes caught another letter. A small one with a formal imprint. It was addressed to Haruka and it was certainly not a fan letter or a bill of her fast race car. “What...” whispered Michiru and reached for a knife to open the letter. It took her three attempts till she got it. There were no secrets between them and shortly after Haruka moved into the light house by the sea five years ago, she declared to her girlfriend that she was allowed to open her letters – as long as it was not Christmas time and she would discover a present that would be for her – but not before Christmas Eve! Michiru’s heart stopped to beat as she read the few lines. She frowned her head and automatically sat down on a chair. She swallowed hard and couldn’t fight back her tears who filled her deep blue eyes. That’s why she behaved so strange. So differently. So hurt... Oh, Ruka! “Morning...” mumbled Haruka and crept into the kitchen. She wore a dark tracksuit and her hairs were still wet. Slowly she opened the fridge to drink some milk and frowned as she mentioned that she couldn’t smell any rolls. Nor coffee. She yawned and turned around to her girlfriend. And froze in motion. “What happened?” she asked alarmed and felt suddenly very weak. There was something in her lover’s eyes that made her shiver. Then she saw the letter in Michiru’s hands. Over five weeks now... “You’ve got post from Dr. Sagurasa-san.” Declared the young violinist with a quiet voice that sounded strange in her ears. Haruka felt like the ground disappeared and she would start to fall. The world spun around her and she seized hard on the kitchen’s cupboard. The milk still holding in her suddenly trembling hands. Her face became whiter than the wall and Michiru looked deeply into terrified green eyes. Then Haruka asked in a silent, almost insensible voice. “And the result?” Michiru shook her head as she saw how important that answer seemed to be for her girlfriend. For her lover. Her one and only woman in her whole life. Why should she do such a silly test? The answer is clear! “What have you expected, you baka? It’s negative.” She declared and crumbled the paper in her now icy hands. Straight she looked into Haruka’s pale face and didn’t see nothing else than blank horror and then endless relief. Then Haruka turned her head away. “Of course it’s negative! It’s an AIDS-test, Haruka. You only can get AIDS when you’d get blood and you never had a dangerous operation. I was your first lover and I know that you’d never betray me. So why did you do that silly test?” wanted Michiru to know but Haruka didn’t hear her words. She didn’t listen to her after the second sentence. After the word that made her sure that she would be able to grow old with her Michiru. To see her Hotaru growing up. To lead a normal life again – one day. Negative. “Thank goddess...” she whispered and tears burned in her green eyes. The milk escaped her trembling hands and landed on the ground. Soon it founded a tiny sea of white fluid. Negative. Her legs couldn’t carry her any longer. So she gave in her dizzy feelings and went down on her knees. The world spun around her even faster but she didn’t care about it. All she heard was the one single word in her mind. Over and over again. Negative. “Thank goddess...” she stammered again and covered her face with her cold hands and started desperately to giggle. Soon it turned into sobbing but there were no tears running down her cheeks. She was still too shocked from the good news. After that hell. After those long five weeks. Left alone in ignorance. Negative. Haruka closed her eyes and bowed her head. Thankful that god had mercy to let her live more than just a few years or months... She didn’t think about Michiru anymore who watched her in blank horror nor did she think of Hotaru who would awake during the next hour. “Ruka...” Michiru whispered and looked down at her lover who reacted so strange. So unreal but at the same time so real. As if she really expected that the test could be positive... Slowly the young violinist came to her feet. The letter fell unseen on the ground. Crumbled. Michiru knew something about AIDS. She already gave beneficial concerts for infected people. Children and adults. Men and women. There were only two ways to get AIDS: To get blood from an infected person or to have sex, what ever kind of sex, with him or her. And Michiru knew for sure that Haruka didn’t have any complicate operations she needed blood during the past five years. So there was only one possibility left... “Ruka...?” Suddenly Michiru’s voice was very shaky as she came over to her lover and kneeled down next to her. She took Haruka’s icy hands in her own cold ones and forced her lover to look up at her. There was no tomboy grin anymore on that face that was almost as pale as the wall behind her. There was no joke at those white lips. There was no wall anymore hiding Haruka’s real feelings behind. Her deep blue eyes looked directly into dark green ones. All she saw now were fear, horror and sadness. And anger. And hate. “They didn’t just beat you down, Ruka.” Whispered Michiru and the realization seemed to make her heart break. Tears filled her eyes as she saw how her lover slightly shook her head and lowered her look. To stare at everything but her girlfriend. Her green eyes were cloudy and her voice was nothing more than a broken whisper as Haruka finally answered. “No, they didn’t.” She took a deep breathe and clenched her fists around Michiru’s hands as if she was her only life line. “They raped me.” The last words were so quietly that the young violinist almost missed them. But on the other hand they were so loud that Michiru wanted to put her hands on her ears. She didn’t. She simply hold the ones of her lover and swallowed hard. Then she let her tears fall. For Haruka who wasn’t obviously able to do it yet. Who was still too shocked to cry. Now she knows it. Haruka bit hard on her lower lip until she tasted salty blood. She didn’t want to give up. She didn’t want to hurt her Michi-chan the same way they did hurt her. But she knew she did. And after those horrible five weeks she knew that she had to do it. Otherwise she would have been broken by all the nightmares. The memories. The voices that were haunting her down. Like a wild animal. Without having a chance of escape. “Ruka...” She felt how Michiru let go off her hands and took her into her arms in a strong, never-ending embrace. Michiru leaned her head against Haruka’s and started quietly to sob. “I didn’t want to make you cry.” Whispered the young car racer after a while Michiru calmed down a little bit and Haruka had her voice under her control again. Well, at least she was able to say some words without only choking. “Is that the reason why you didn’t tell me first?” asked Michiru and turned a bit to see directly into her lover’s still pale face. Into desperate green eyes. “Is that the reason why you didn’t tell me about your nightmares? About your sudden shame? About your fear to love me?” Haruka took another deep breathe and searched in Michiru’s face. All she found was deep sorrow, understanding and love. Deep love. Unconditional love. “Hai..” whispered Haruka and searched for the right words. Michiru kept silent until she found them. “I... I didn’t want to poison you. If.. if he’d really infected me with AIDS I didn’t want to infect you, too. Our princess needs us. To loose me would have been very hard for her. But... but to loose you, too, that would... would have been too much for her. She already lost her real father and... she...” helpless Haruka shrugged her shoulders and leaned her head against Michiru’s shoulder and stared down at the other woman’s lap. Michiru still wore her thin sleeping shirt but Haruka didn’t ask her if she was cold. If she wanted to change her clothes. Because if she would go now, leave her girlfriend alone, Haruka wouldn’t survive it. Not now. Not yet. Never again. “And so you took that burden on your own and kept silent.” Michiru stroke thoughtfully through the soft blonde strands and more tears ran down her cheeks. “Hai...” Again silence evolved between them and all that was heard was the appeasing rushes of the near ocean and the hungry screams of the sea birds outside. Fighting against a rough nature, fighting against a wild November’s wind. Inside there was another fight. An inner fight. “Do you want to speak about it?” asked Michiru after a long while and felt how Haruka pulled herself closer. There was another long silence and the young violinist already thought that she wouldn’t get an answer today, maybe that she would never get one at all, when the young car racer started silently to tell her about the things that happened at that day over five weeks ago. Her voice was very silent and almost insensible. But Michiru knew that it wasn’t. Not really. “It was late that evening. You already prepared the tomato soup when I caught Himme-chan and left the house. I drove to the central parking space and decided to take a short cut. It was late and I was in a hurry so I didn’t see that this short cut wasn’t one of the best streets of Tokyo. Indeed it was one of the worst. But I didn’t think much about it. I just entered it and counted my money. I forgot my cheque card at home and wondered if it would be enough for our dinner.” Haruka took another deep breathe and slightly shook her head against Michiru’s breasts. “I was so blind. So naive. So... so careless. They followed me. I guess they had seen me on the parking space and thought that I had a lot of money with me because of our silver Ferrari. They where suddenly there. Without any sound or sign. They grabbed Himme-chan out of the pram before I could react and one of the men hold a knife a her throat. Hell, she looked so helpless. And so terrified...” Haruka shook her head again and her fists clenched in Michiru’s lap. Michiru didn’t reply anything. She simply stroke her lover’s hairs and listened to her rude, final words. Crying in silence. “They wanted money, but all I had were only some coins for the cheese. And some flowers for you. White roses.” Michiru bit on her lips as she heard her Ruka’s words, but she didn’t interrupt her. “They were very angry and one of the men beat Himme-chan. They were two men, maybe brothers. One was smaller than me and thinner. The other one was half a head taller and almost fat. And stronger. Of course I wanted to help Himme- chan who screamed and fainted. But the taller man held me back and we fought. I don’t know how it happened but he realized that I am a woman and grinned that wicked grin. That bad grin as he declared that I could pay him in another way. That I could pay him for... for letting Himme-chan alive.” Haruka swallowed again and the nausea increased inside her body. She wondered when it was time to get on her feet and to threw up the few things she ate for dinner. “I saw all the blood that covered Himme-chan’s face! Her eyes were closed and she was so pale! I was so scared about her, that they would really kill her, that it didn’t matter to me what he would do with me. I only wanted Himme-chan to take into the next hospital and to make sure that she would be healthy again. Hell, Michi-chan, I would have never survived it loosing her. Because of my careless.” Haruka pressed her eyelids hard together but her eyes were still dry. She felt how Michiru’s hand slipped under her dark tracksuit top and caressed tenderly her sweaty back. Tenderly and calming. “So I simply let him do what he wanted to do with me. He called me bad names and beat me while he...” Haruka trembled even more and Michiru stopped caressing but hold her tight. As tight as she never had done before. Afraid that she would lose her Ruka just because of that rude man. “Hell, Michi-chan... it hurt so much. And it seemed to take him so endless long minutes until he was finished. He kicked me one last time and then let go off me. The other man didn’t want me. He said that I’d look like a man and that he wasn’t gay... Then... then they let Himme-chan down and laughed angry at me. Then they walked away. I felt... I was so ashamed, Michi-chan. I wanted to die. But there was Himme-chan. I took her and went to the hospital. Well, you.. you know the rest of the story. And now...” Haruka sobbed oppressed and Michiru hold her even tighter. Suddenly Haruka raised her head and looked directly into Michiru’s wet face. “And now you know what nightmares were haunting me down. I... I was so scared of being infected with AIDS, of dying during the next years. Of never seeing Hotaru at the altar one day. Never seeing... seeing you as an old woman... old woman by my side that made me... me feel so... so bad.” “The test’s negative.” Remembered Michiru her girlfriend and realized that her voice was as shaky as Haruka’s, too. “Hai...” A thin smile appeared on the young racer’s face but it disappeared at the next moment. “It’s all my fault, Michi-chan. I’ve been so careless and now... I never... I never wanted to betray you. You’re my only... my only....” Michiru took Haruka’s hot face in her icy hands and forced her too look back into her face. Determined she interrupted the unsure stammer with a light, but loving kiss. Their lips only touched and they stayed in that position for another long while. “At least he didn’t force me to kiss him.” Said Haruka after the kiss ended. Then she opened her fists, raised her hands and wiped away the tears from her lover’s cheeks. But he forced me to... Michiru who saw her thoughts in her sad expression, sighed deeply and more tears were running down her cheeks. “Gomen, Ruka. You went through hell and I couldn’t help you!” Her eyes widened as she saw a thin, but honest smile on the other one’s pale face. It was the most beautiful smile she had ever seen. And at the same time the saddest. “You did, Michi-chan.” Declared Haruka and embraced her again softly, felt how Michiru pulled her determined closer. Hold her tighter. “You do. The whole time. ‘Cause you’re here. For me. With me.” At that moment Michiru started openly to cry again. Both of them new that the nightmare wasn’t over now. None of them knew that it had only started.
***
“Do you remember the concert I wanted to give at the weekend?” asked Michiru and stripped her clothes. It had been a busy week with the inner senshi. There had been a talent competition and the girls were driving everyone crazy, because they wanted to win it – the price was a two day trip in the mountains. Especially Minako was very, very crazy. They helped them to practice dancing, singing and acting. They often laughed – even Haruka had to smile a bit – when Usagi tried it desperately and failed. But at the end the couple Minako and Makoto won and they all could drive into the mountains. That had been the moment they all realized that they didn’t have skis and didn’t know how to do skiing... “Hai.” Haruka laid already in their bed under the thick blankets. It was cold outside and the grey sky promised snow. It was the end of November and whole Japan waited for snow. They all hoped for white Christmas and after Sylvester for a quick spring. As always. “I cancelled it.” “Nani?” Surprised green eyes looked up into smiling blue ones. “I donated some money to the foundation for ill children and said that I couldn’t take part in it because I am ill.” Michiru said and brushed her long sea green hairs. She was still naked and Haruka watched her silent in the moonlight that shone through the now closed window. It was too cold outside to let it opened the whole night. She looks so beautiful. Michiru turned towards the senshi of the wind swallowed automatically. The moonlight covered her sea green hairs and she looked like an angel. My angel. Haruka watched how she came over to the bed. Still naked. It didn’t look as if she wanted to pull her night shirt over her certainly freezing body. My guardian angel... “You never cancelled a concert since I know you. I don’t think that your manager believes you.” Teased Haruka and raised one eyebrow as Michiru crept under the blanket next to her. “It’s alike what he thinks. It’s the first concert I cancel since my parents died and that’s almost ten years ago. One concert in ten year is fair for my fans.” She smiled loving down at her girlfriend and gave her a light kiss. “I wanna be with you this weekend. With you and with our daughter. And you know how little time I’ve got during such a concert.” She kissed her Haruka again and felt how she slowly relaxed. She’s still frightened of me. Of my touches. Michiru pulled her Ruka closer and the kiss became more passionately. Who wonders... The kiss lasted for a very long time and Haruka relaxed completely. Feeling her Michiru next by her side, feeling the tender touches of her lips let her almost forget the pain that seemed to be still in her belly. The words that seemed to shout still in her head. The shadow that seemed to hurt her again and again. Every night. In her dreams. In her nightmares. Without interrupting the kiss Michiru opened the buttons of Haruka’s pyjama. She felt how her lover froze and slowly the kiss ended while she started to caress the soft skin. The beautiful skin. You couldn’t see any scars. Only if you looked closer. Really close. But there were hardly any scars. Even if you were able to look closer. No external scars. Dark green eyes looked terrified up at loving deep blue ones. “I love you, Ruka.” Whispered the senshi of the wide ocean and gave her girlfriend another loving kiss Haruka replied hesitantly. She still felt the soft hands on her skin, felt those soft touches that felt so damn good. But at the same time so... “Don’t, Michi-chan. Please... I...” stammered Haruka and wanted to turn away, but Michiru hold her back, stared directly in her face to make sure that Haruka could see that she told her the truth. “I love you, Ruka. You’re the most important person in my whole life. I love you mentally, with all my heart. But I also want to love you with my body.” Again a short kiss then she looked down at her girlfriend again and felt how Haruka took a deep breathe. “But I am so... so... dirty now.” Answered the young car racer and wanted to turn her head. But the understanding look in those blue eyes she loved so much was so hypnotising that she couldn’t look away. She simply stared up at her lover and her body started to tremble as Michiru slowly stripped her pyjama. First her jacket, then the trouser. She didn’t defend herself. All she did was to stare in those blue eyes. She knew she could trust her Michi-chan. Whatever happened, she could trust her, couldn’t she? But I slept with... “You aren’t dirty, Ruka.” Said Michiru and her hands caressed over her neck, her breasts and her slim belly. She really did loose weights during the past weeks. And I had been so blind that I didn’t mention... “You’re the most beautiful woman I know, Ruka. There’s no dirt on your soft skin. All I can see is goose-flesh. Are you cold, my sweetheart?” she teased but her eyes were still very serious. She caressed tenderly Haruka’s belly and her hips. The taller woman laughed a shaky laugh then she closed her eyes. To enjoy the soft touches of her lover. To believe in her words. And to forget other words. Other memories. For a long time Michiru caressed Haruka’s upper part of her body and kissed tenderly her neck. Her lover’s breathing became faster and she could hear some oppressed groans. “Ruka, open your eyes.” She whispered after a while and moved so that she crouched over her lover. Haruka did as she was told and thought that she had to drown in that beautiful blue that welcomed her. She felt how the caressing hands went over her belly and a little bit lower. She gasped and her body froze as her girlfriend touched her most intensive skin. “It’s me, Ruka. Just think of me. I’d never hurt you.” Whispered Michiru and gave her another quick kiss while her hands kept caressing. “You can trust me, ‘cause I love you with all my heart.” Haruka swallowed hard then she nodded. Slowly her body relaxed again under the tender touches of her lover. Then she put her head again on the pillow and closed her eyes. Now knowing that it was her Michi-chan who touched her so lovingly. She was surprised that she didn’t feel any pain as she had expected. There was another feeling. A feeling she knew before that day over six weeks ago. A feeling she thought she would have lost at the very moment the rude man took her. The tender touch didn’t stop and the feeling built up inside her body. Inside her mind. She heard how her girlfriend whispered loving words. She felt how Michiru kissed her neck, her breasts, her belly. And again and again her mouth. Her lips felt so good. So damn good! Suddenly she heard the noises of the waves. Being pushed to the beach. She could feel the warm sand under her body and the fresh wind playing with her hairs. The sun got brighter and her body seemed to burn. But still there was no pain. No sorrow. No shame. All she found was love. Understanding. Carefulness. “I love you...” whispered Michiru and Haruka opened her eyes again. Her look was purred and she breathed hard. She didn’t even mention that there was no beach around them. That the ocean was outside their house. All she saw were two deep blue eyes. They looked like the wild, beautiful sea. A sea she wanted to drown in. A sea she never wanted to leave again. A sea she wanted to cast her soul to. Suddenly she was able to forget the rude man. About his bad words and his rude behaviour. Suddenly all that existed was her Michiru and that wonderful feeling inside her body. Time seemed to stop, no cruel world did exist anymore. Haruka groaned as the feeling increased inside her body. Until she couldn’t sustain it any longer. Until it seemed to torn her apart. Still there was no pain. Only joy. Joy and deep happiness. The senshi of the wind took another deep breathe and automatically spread her legs wider. She couldn’t oppress a final groan. Then she cased her soul to that sea... “I love you.” Whispered Michiru again and took her still trembling lover in her arms and hold her tight. Haruka still gasped for breathe and sweat covered her beautiful body. She raised her head and now tears filled her dark green eyes. The first tears she was able to cry. Since that day over six weeks ago. “Love you, too...” replied Haruka with a shaky voice. Then she pulled her arms around Michiru’s neck, leaned her head against her shoulder and started desperately to cry. Her now loud sobs filled the sleeping room. Haruka didn’t feel ashamed about her tears any longer. She knew that her Michi-chan loved her and that she understood her feelings. That she wanted to help her. To accept what happened and to live with it. More and more tears filled her eyes and she simply let them fall. Her body trembled and she clinged herself to her lover. Her only life line. I love you so much, Michi-chan. With you I’ll never give up. I’ll never give up life. Suddenly she remembered all the times she wanted to die during the past six weeks. Every race she raced at the limits of her race car seemed now dangerous and ridiculous to her. She held her Michi-chan tighter and felt those soft arms wrapped around her own body as well. Michiru swallowed hard and looked down at the wet face of her lover. It was the first time that she saw her that desperate. Hai, Haruka had cried before, but only in her presence. When they had to sacrifice one person for the three talismans. When they had to kill Hotaru for the sake of the world. When they had to give the little senshi of death back to her real father, Dr. Tomoe. But I have never seen her so weak before. My strong Ruka... The smaller senshi reached for the blanket and pulled it over her girlfriend and herself. Then she kissed her on the forehead and started to caress calming Haruka’s sweaty back. It took a very long time until the senshi of the wind calmed down. The whole time Michiru hummed a sweet melody. A love song she once had written for Haruka. Only for her Ruka. To show her her deep love. Surely it would take another very long time until Haruka would be able to live with the memories. To live with the incident that happened that day over six weeks before. But certainly she would be able one day – with the help of her Michi-chan.
***
It was still dawn when she awoke. The bed was empty but Haruka knew that Michiru was downstairs to prepare their breakfast. It was Saturday morning, there were no concerts, no racings and so they had the whole day on their own. With Hotaru. Like a real family. “My...” whispered the senshi of the wind as she crept out of her blanket and came hard to her feet. She covered her freezing body with the top of her pyjama and walked slowly to the bathroom. She didn’t look into the mirror to see her pale, sweaty face. Breakfast. Rolls, marmalade, boiled eggs, milk... The nausea increased inside her belly and slowly she went into her knees. She didn’t feel that well. And she felt even worse when she thought of the breakfast. “My...” she whispered again and opened quickly the toilette’s lid. Then she threw up the few things she ate for dinner. She choked for some more times and when she was sure that her stomach was really empty, she leaned back on the nice cool tile and closed her eyes. It had been too much for me during the past weeks. She sighed and wondered how she should stood up, change her clothes, go down in the kitchen and be a funny daddy to her daughter. But she knew she would. One look into Hotaru’s loving child’s eyes were enough to make her do even the craziest things. Slowly Haruka came to her feet and left the bathroom silently. It had been the first time that she threw up her food. But it wasn’t for the last time that weekend.
***
Chapter three: Wind’s child
She didn’t know how long she stood in the small shop at the end of the world. Staring at small packages. People were passing by. They all were in a hurry. None of them looked at the young woman standing in front of a white shelf looking down at several white packages. Her dark green eyes looked tired and her face was very pale. She wore a thick, black jacket but her body still trembled as if she was really cold. I am crazy. Haruka shook slightly her head. After her training at the race track she sat down in her silver Ferrari and drove over two hours like hell to get into a village at the other side of the big island. To make really sure that there was no one who would recognize her. Who knew her. What if I am right? Her hands shook as she reached for one package and looked closer at the cover. She saw a laughing woman and wondered if any women who used it would be so happy like this one. No, I am certainly wrong. But instincts never betrayed me... Haruka looked after the price and raised surprised one eyebrow. It was very expensive. Too expensive for the sense it had been made once. Well, if you’re desperate enough you’d spend every yen you have just to be sure. She sighed deeply, searched shortly for her cheque card and walked over to the counter to pay it. The old man behind it looked up at her and frowned. He knew that a lot of women came in his shop to buy it but it was seldom that a man bought it. A man with such a concerned look in his dark green eyes. He told him the amount and the young man paid. “Wish you luck. You and your girlfriend.” Said the old man and smiled an understanding, pity smile Haruka hated. It was the same smile she got when she had to tell strangers that she was indeed a woman. That she was indeed Michiru’s girlfriend. That she was indeed Hotaru’s >papa<. She grabbed the package and put it deep into the pockets of her jacket. Then she climbed into the silver Ferrari, speeded up and flew over the small street not caring about red lights or rights of way. Some horns honked but she didn’t hear them. Her race down the highway towards Tokyo looked like a flight.
***
“Tenô-san? Are you ready? The manager wants to talk to you and the mechanic wants to tell you something about your car.” Haruka took a deep breathe. “Hai. I am coming. Just two more minutes.” She shouted back and heard how the steps went away. My goddess... The young car racer raised her head and looked out of the tiny window to see the snow flakes falling down. They looked so light, so weightless. But at the same time so full of energy. So full of life... Haruka sat on the toilette of the race track. She had locked herself. For over half an hour now. Of course some one mentioned it. They all did sooner or later when the wildest and best car racer they ever had in their team, simply disappeared. The training wasn’t over now but the senshi of the wind was sure that she wouldn’t take part in it any longer for today. Last weekend she won the Grand Prix of Japan and now they practised for the World’s Championship. But Haruka wasn’t in the mood today to sit down behind a steering wheel and to feel the horses under the red bonnet. It can’t be! She swallowed hard and slowly she lowered her head from the snow outside. Only one week until Christmas and for the first time of her life the young car racer was scared of the festival of love. Afraid of being alone. Total alone. Forever... It can’t be! For another ten minutes she stared back at the red sign in her hands. It was obviously and she knew if she would repeat it the red sign would appear again. It won’t change. Haruka swallowed hard and came back to her feet. She put the white thing back into her jacket and slowly left the toilette. It can’t be, but it is true!
***
"The Christmas tree should stay in that corner." Sceptically Minako observed the large living-room and walked around with a big ruler. Everything should be perfect. Of course it should be. "I am so exited what Mamo-chan will give me and what he will think of my gift." Usagi sat on the white couch and looked dreamy into the chimney. A nice, light fire burned in it and with some candles lightened it made a comforting atmosphere. Like real Christmas. Still they had to wait for almost another week but they were all crazy about it now. Usagi's parents invited some of their friends and Rei's temple was closed during the Christmas time, because her grandfather wanted to tidy it up. At least one time at the year, he told his granddaughter and all the senshi looked with big, pleading eyes at Haruka and Michiru. "What is it this time? A handmade scarf no one can look at it because all assume it to be a pullover without any holes for the head or the arms?" asked Rei and soon they both got into a nice argument. Ami didn't listen to them. She had put her thick book away and looked in the chimney, too. She loved Christmas. Especially since she could celebrate it with her friends. Of course her mother had to work that special evening but the senshi of the water knew that she wouldn't be lonely that night. Never again. The senshi of the wind entered their house and shook the snow out of her jacket while she changed her shoes. She ran a icy hand through her slightly wet hairs and put down some bag on the kitchen's table. She could hear how Rei and Usagi argued and a thin smile appeared on her pale face. "More gifts?" asked Makoto who observed the kitchen and made notes on a sheet what else she had to buy. Or at least Michiru had to buy for her. Because the inner senshi were still at school and so the outer senshi decided to invite them in this Christmas. "Hai." Haruka oppressed a yawn. She looked really tired. "Your trainer's too hard with you. Did you train up to now?" Makoto opened a cooking book and studied the table of contents. "Next year's the World Championship and he wants me to win it." "As always." Giggled the senshi of thunder and looked curiously at the bags. "Don't you dare to risk a look, Mako. Otherwise I'll have to punish you in the name of Uranus." Laughed Haruka and went over to the great cook. "And, what are we supposed to eat in about a week?" "That shall be a surprise." Answered Makoto with a smile and yawned, too. Christmas time was a hard time. Especially when she had to bake so many cakes, ginger breads and Santa Clauses. "Ohhh...." Haruka seemed to be disappointed. The smaller senshi giggled, then concentrated on the receipt again. "It's already seven, isn't it? Damned!" cursed Michiru as she ran through the living-room. Shortly she embraced her lover and gave her a quick kiss on the still cold lips. The senshi of the wide ocean wear her violin case in her hands and she almost strangled herself with the long scarf she war wearing. Then they heard the horn outside. "Hell, they'll be angry with me when I am too late." Said Michiru but kissed her Ruka again. They didn't see the whole day and this time was simply busy. Christmas time. A lot of tests, a lot of concerts. This was the best time to get money from rich people. For poor children. And some of the concerts were tradition. She couldn't simply cancel them all, only the ones that weren't so important. She knew she needed more time with her Haruka and she swore to herself that she would take it after Christmas. "Gomen, I don't have the time. They wanted to fetch me up ten minutes ago and..." Michiru kissed her Haruka again and Makoto couldn't oppress a giggle. "And I simply forgot time. I wanted to practice that complicate part again and..." "I have to talk to you." Whispered Haruka and Makoto frowned as she suddenly heard sadness in that always joking, always teasing, always laughing voice. Michiru hesitated and stared into dark green eyes. Then they heard the horn again. Honking impatiently. Some of her fellow musicians sat in the car and they all knew how angry the conductor could react if they were late. Especially before Christmas. "Can we talk about it later?" asked Michiru and hated herself for those words. But she couldn't simply cancel the whole thing. The beneficial concert she would give at Christmas Day and at Sylvester were too important for the foundation. >But if you can help only one of those children to become healthy and strong again, it's worth it.< she heard the soft voice in her head while she headed towards the door and knew that she did the right thing. "Sure..." answered Haruka and felt how her throat tightened. Then the senshi of the wide ocean was gone and she felt suddenly very alone. I wanted to tell you. Right now. When I didn't have the time to think about it. To understand it. Haruka ignored Makoto's asking looks and went over to the living-room. She saw how Rei haunted Usagi, Minako observed the wall with stars sparkling in her eyes and Ami looking dreamy into the steady flames. Mamoru and Setsuna were still at university and at work. They would join them later. "And then the big bear said to the little dragon: Hey, bear, don't you know it's cold out there?" Haruka turned her heard as she heard the high voice and another one laughing happily. Chibiusa said on a big blanket in front of the couch. She hold two toys in her hands and played for Hotaru. The small girl clapped exited in her hands and her dark eyes sparkled. A lucky smile laid on her now redden face and her hands tried to touch the animals moved by the future Princess of Crystal Tokyo. I love you so much. Haruka took a deep breathe but couldn't enter the living-room. She simply stood their, leaned her right arm against the door frame. Her Michiru was gone to have another test that would last very long. Maybe up to midnight. Maybe up to dawn. Suddenly Haruka felt like a stranger in her own house. So absent under all those happy laughing girls. So wrong because she couldn't feel any joy for the coming Christmas. All she felt was fear. Deep fear she didn't even feel when they found the talismans and almost died. When Sailor Saturn wanted to sacrifice herself for the world and Sailor Moon almost missed to transform herself. When the rude man wanted to kill her Himme-chan and took her instead of her money. This fear was stronger and it increased like the nausea she felt almost every morning now. She could hardly eat anything without throwing it up afterwards. Michiru didn't mention, because she had to stood up earlier than her. And every time Haruka wanted to tell her the smaller senshi was in such a hurry or there wasn't the right place to tell her. Haruka lowered her head and closed her burning eyes. What shall I do when I am never able to tell her at all?
***
It was cold in the white room. She froze and automatically pulled the sleeves of her wide dark pullover over her icy hands. The older woman looked at her with a concerned expression on her face, frowned and sighed deeply. They had talked for over an hour now and silence surrounded them for another one. "You know what it means?" "Hai." "And you're sure that you want to do it?" "Hai." "I mean, really, really sure." "Hai." "It will change your life forever. Do you know the consequences?" "Hai." Please, think it over. Four days are a long time. Talk to other people and imagine how your life will be after you made your decision." "Hai." "And change your mind, for heaven's sake!" "No." Haruka rose from her chair, bowed slightly before the doctor and went away. Holding a crumbled paper tight in her trembling hands.
***
As always Rei was haunting Usagi through the whole house. They got used to it. And to a crazy cook, a crazy organisator and a crazy violinist. Haruka sighed deeply as she sat down in front of her piano. She opened it and her hands touched the keys. But she wasn't able to play. Tears burned in her deep green eyes as she looked at her trembling hands. But she simply wasn't able to play melodies that once had made sense. No they were all too happy, too loving. Too unreal. "Michi-chan's at the opera?" asked the senshi without looking up as the door was opened. Ami sneaked into the room and it was one of the few times when she didn't wear a heavy book in her hands. "Hai." Answered the senshi of the water and frowned. Haruka looked so strange today. So sad. So lonely. So alone... Ami swallowed hard and came nearer. There were no notes on the piano and she asked herself why the young car racer didn't play the instrument anymore. Why she didn't want to accompany her Michiru in her concerts this year as she always had done at Christmas. "I shall greet you for her and say that she won't be at home before dawn." Automatically both looked out of the huge windows. It was already dark outside. Both sighed slightly. "Hope we don't annoy you changing your whole house into a big festival. But you know Mina-chan. You can't hinder her when she has her ideas. And Makoto already filled your fridge, I thought it was going to explode." Ami giggled but Haruka didn't even smile. "Michiru said that she's very sorry and that she'll take more time for you after the concerts." The senshi of the wind nodded thoughtfully, her hands still resting on the keys. Motionless. Then they heard how an exited voice shouted for Ami from downstairs. The senshi of the water hesitated. But then there were another impatient voice demanding for her. She glanced shortly at Haruka and shrugged helpless her shoulders. "It's okay, Ami. Help them before they're burning down the house and we have to celebrate Christmas at the snowy beach." Said Haruka and turned her face away. So that the younger senshi couldn't see the tears sparkling in her eyes. Tears she couldn't hold back any longer. "If you need anything, Haruka, just tell. We're your friends." Ami placed her hands on the taller woman's shoulders and squeezed them tight for some seconds. Then she went away and closed the door silently behind her. In that very moment Haruka covered her burning face with her icy hands and couldn't held back a desperate sob. She gasped hard for breathe and her whole body trembled. Maybe it's better that way. The young car racer sat there for a very long time. Motionless. Unable to think of anything than the appointment she had with the doctor. Soon. Maybe it's better for Michiru that she never got to know about it. Haruka swallowed and knew that it would be very hard for her without her girlfriend's help. Without her understanding words. Without her comforting gestures. Without her love. And suddenly the strong senshi of the wind wasn't sure if she was able to survive it all alone. I have no other choice... Haruka lowered her head and simply let her tears fall. No one heard her desperate sobs. No one hold her tight.
***
Her alarm clock interrupted her dreams and she almost fell out of her bed. Michiru reached over to it and slammed it with a tortured expression on her tired face. She rubbed her eyes and turned around to look at her girlfriend. She liked it to watch her lover sleep. Deep and tight. Without any nightmares haunting her down. Not as long as she was with her. But the bed was empty beside her. Haruka was gone. I didn't remember that there was any training with the guys. Michiru frowned as she left the bed and went slowly into the bathroom. A very tired face greeted her out of the mirror and Michiru turned away quickly. She felt like she had run a long way and she knew that the busy time wasn't over yet. Christmas was in two days and tonight would be another concert. I still don't have all presents. She opened the wardrobe to took out a new towel. A fresh shower would help her to awake a little bit more. She didn't want to cause an accident when she tried to get to the opera because she fell asleep. She felt weak and guilty. She only saw her Ruka when she sneaked into the bedroom late at night or even early in the morning. It seemed as if Haruka wanted to talk to her. About something important. But she simply didn't have the time and when she came home she didn't want to wake her lover up. She looks so cute when she sleeps. So innocent. Mostly the young violinist was gone before her lover awoke and the whole chaos started again. Hopefully she forgives me for my lack of time. Michiru grabbed energetically the towel as it didn't want to come out of the wardrobe and almost flew against the next wall as she hold it suddenly in her hands. It cracked as something hit the tiled ground and Michiru picked it up to put it away. As she saw the cover, read the few lines, she froze in motion. She frowned as she opened the package and gasped hard for breathe as she saw the red sign. Her eyes widened and suddenly she knew what Haruka wanted to tell her so badly during the past days. I baka... Michiru swallowed hard and slowly went on her knees. The towel landed somewhere next to her on the ground but she didn't mention it. She looked at the sign again and again until she was sure that she understood what it meant. With trembling hands she closed the package again and almost screamed as she saw her lover's shaky writing on the paper. Haruka had written down the name of the hospital and a date. And a time. Michiru looked at her watch and her eyes widened even more. Now they were filled with tears while she got to her feet as if she was beaten by lightening. The package fell unseen on the towel as she returned into the sleeping room and opened all their wardrobes. Her whole body trembled as she took some warm winter clothes outside and pulled them over herself without stripping the blue night dress. She didn't brush her hairs, only knotted them together with a determined motion. Then she run over to her daughter's room. Not mentioning that tears were running down her suddenly pale cheeks. Again she looked at her watch and shook her head fiercely. She can't do it. Michiru sobbed slightly as she woke her daughter up. She can't do it. Not all alone..
***
"Nani?" Usagi yawned and looked surprised at Michiru who handled her an almost sleeping Hotaru. "Please, baby-sit her for today. It's very import." Said the young violinist and Usagi could see that the taller woman had been crying. Her hairs were messed and her clothes looked crumbled. And they didn't fit together. The colours looked strange. A light green with a dark yellow and an ugly grey. "Michiru! What happened!" she demanded to know but the senshi of the wide ocean already returned to the parking silver Ferrari and Usagi didn't get another answer than the roaring of the engine as Michiru drove away. As fast as Haruka always did on the race track.
***
Why am I sitting here? She stared at the newspaper in her hands without really seeing it. A small bag laid on the ground of the waiting room, touched her trembling legs. What am I doing here? Haruka closed her eyes and clenched her fists. She made her decision that day she got to know about it. It wasn't a good decision and she wasn't sure if she would be able to live with the consequences. But it was the best decision she found. The decision that seemed to be fair for herself. And for the other person. Do I really want to go over to that room and simply let it happen? She bowed her head and sighed deeply. She didn't want to look up again. To see the pregnant woman sitting next to her. With her husband by her side. They both looked so happy. They talked the whole time about their unborn child and what they would give it. They talked about the baby clothes, about the cradle and about the baptism. Haruka wanted to put her hands over her ears so that she wasn't forced anymore to listen to their happy whispers. But she couldn't move. She was simply to weak to. Am I really weak? Am I a coward? She didn't know. All she knew was that she would never be able to love it. That she would hate it for something that wasn't it's fault. And that she didn't want it to feel her angry feelings towards it. "Tenô Haruka?" she heard the nurse's voice and slowly raised her head. Her eyes were dry but her face was as white as the wall behind her. She grabbed her bag and slowly, very slowly came to her feet. The nurse smiled at her and she wondered is she would ever be able to smile such a nice smile again in her whole life. "Are you ready?" The nurse waited patiently for her and how she stood there made sure that she would hold the patient if the young woman would faint. Am I ready? Haruka sighed deeply as she left the waiting room. She didn't find an answer.
***
Half an hour too late! Michiru pushed the door open and stumbled over her own feet. She almost crashed into a palm tree that stood next to the reception. Her hands slammed hard the board and an astonished nurse looked up. "Can I help you?" she asked and smiled friendly up at her. She ignored the messed hairs, the crumbled clothes and the wild looks of the young woman. This was a hospital. Most of the people looked that way. During her long years as a nurse she got used to it. She got to know that the appearance didn't tell anything about the person behind it. "Tenô Haruka..." gasped the young woman and suddenly tears were running down her cheeks. "Is she here?" Then she started desperately to sob and lowered her head. Her shoulders trembled and she simply couldn't calm herself down. Half an hour too late! It's all my fault! Because of those silly tests! Of those stupid concerts! She wanted to tell me. And I didn't listen... "Hai, her appointment started at nine." The nurse left the reception and ran over to the young woman as she went on her knees. She covered her face with her hands and the car keys jingled as they fell upon the soft carped that covered the whole practise. Damned! Too late! "Hey, young lady! Can I help you?" The nurse looked concerned at her and shrugged her shoulders as the doctor came out of her room. Of course she heard the sobs, too. Although the young woman and her husband spoke very loudly about their unborn child. About their son. About the brother for their five year old girl. Dr. Sagurasa frowned as she recognized the young woman. She had seen her once. Now it was almost two months ago but she still remembered her. How she had been so concerned about her girlfriend in the hospital. "Calm yourself down, Kaioh-san." The old woman went on her knees and handled the still crying young woman a handkerchief. Tear filled blue eyes looked desperately into understanding dark ones. The doctor smiled and laid one hand on the shaking shoulders. She really loves her. That's good. Maybe she has the powers the other believes she lost. "Tenô-san was here. She came into my room, thanked me for my help, took her jacket and left the hospital." The doctor had been really relieved when she saw the young woman go. The whole night the old woman had different nightmares because she was sure that this step would have destroyed the other one's life forever. "She didn't want my help today. And I hope that I can help her in a complete different way when I'll see her the next time again." The doctor smiled understanding at the still crying young woman and automatically started to stroke the sea green hairs. As if the senshi of the wide ocean was her daughter. "Be strong for her." Michiru only nodded.
***
Wind played with the strands of her short blonde hairs that weren't covered by her black cap. Snow flakes danced through the air like little ballet dancers. The beach was covered with snow and looked strangely white. Still the waves of the sea touched it but they couldn't free it from it's blanket anymore. Some floes swam slowly over the surface and the ocean looked as dark as the grey sky above. It doesn't look as if it would stop snowing during the next days and whole Japan was happy over a white Christmas. The first one after five long years. Two dark green eyes stared blank at the moving ocean, watched how some sea birds tried to catch their lunch between the cold waters. Haruka sat in the snow. She didn't mention the bitter cold that surrounded her. She didn't mention that her trouser became slowly wet. And she didn't mention the silver car that stopped with a high voice. As if someone stepped very hard on the brakes. Haruka's right hand was clenched in the snow while her left one rested under her black jacket. Touching her still slim belly. Wondering if that decision had been the right one. I am such a coward! Tears shimmered in her eyes and she winced badly as someone suddenly embraced her from behind. Hold her determined tight as she wanted to stand up. To escape. To run away forever. "Gomen nasai, Ruka. Please, forgive me that I didn't..." whispered Michiru with a shaky voice and sobbed quietly. Haruka smiled a sad smile and reached for those soft hands and leaded them under her jacket. Let them touch her belly. Swallowed hard as Michiru started to stroke it. "Hope you'll have time now, 'cause there's something very important I've got to tell you." She declared with a quiet voice and heard a shaky laughter. "There won't be any concerts nor tests in the next days." Answered Michiru and leaned her head against her lover's shoulder, still stroking over the slim belly. Knowing that it would arche within the next months. "I am pregnant, Michi-chan." Haruka took a deep breathe. It was the first time that she admitted it to herself. That she spoke it out aloud. That she knew that it was true. "Pregnant from that asshole..." "I know." Michiru sighed deeply. "I've been at the hospital half an hour ago." For a long time Haruka didn't respond anything. She didn't ask why Michiru suddenly knew it. She simply sat there and enjoyed the soft touches of her lover. The woman she loved more than anyone else. The woman who understood her. Who would never leave her. "I made that appointment shortly after I made a pregnancy test and it was positive." Haruka lowered her head and shook it slightly. "I had been so afraid of the AIDS test that I simply forgot that I could get pregnant. Because there's no way for two women... and I didn't think much as I didn't had my period. I was so scared of being infected by AIDS and never be able to have a future with you and Himme-chan, that I ignored the signs. Hell, I threw up my dinner every morning and felt really ill, but I thought that it was only the stress..." Again Haruka shook her head. "When I got to know about it, I only wanted to get rid of it. I really wanted to abort it. Today was the doctor's appointment for the abortion and I thought it was the best solution. For me - and for the child. Because I'll never be able to love it. Maybe it looks like him and every time I'll look at it I'll think of him and how he... how he hurt me so much. I'd hate it the rest of my life and I didn't want such a bad destiny for that poor child. It wasn't it's fault, was what I thought." Haruka swallowed and looked back at the endless sea, still feeling Michiru's warm hands on her belly. Now they slipped under her dark pullover and stroke over the soft skin under it. "Then I looked at the doctor and knew that she was right. It wasn't it's fault. Why shall I punish it for something that it's... it's producer did to me? We got a second chance from Sailor Moon and Himme-chan even a second life. Why shouldn't I give it the chance to live? There're many people out there who want badly to have their own children but aren't able to get them. There're so many loving parents in spe out there who would adopt it - and love it. With a love I can't give it." Michiru raised her head and tears were running down her cheeks. She squeezed her lover tighter. "Think about it, Ruka. You've got nine months time, sweetheart." The senshi of the wide ocean whispered and her hands rested motionless on the still slime belly. Warming. Healing. "Seven months." Corrected Haruka and sighed deeply. "Maybe I am a coward but I simply couldn't kill it." She sighed again a shaky, husky sigh. She felt how Michiru embraced her tighter. She heard those soft words in her ears and knew that they were true. "I love you, Ruka." They sat there for another long while and when they finally went back to the silver Ferrari they still hold each other's hand tight.
***
"I am dreaming of a white Christmas..." Minako stood in the middle of the living room near the chimney and sung with all her passion. The other senshi sat around the already set table and listened to her or simply accompanied her. Even Makoto forgot about her dinner for a few moments and listened to the beautiful voice of the senshi of love. I could listen to her the whole evening. Not only she thought it. But they all knew that there was a delicious dinner waiting for them. And a lot of gifts. Chibiusa had wrapped her arms around Hotaru. The little girl looked with her big dark eyes at the huge Christmas tree and at the candles sparkling all over it. She didn't understand what Christmas meant but she knew very well what the coloured presents meant under the tree. A smile laid on her face and she giggled as Chibiusa whispered something in her ear. Soon the song was over and they decided for nice, silent music for the background. They all applauded and Minako bowed with a happy grin on her face. One day I'll be a great singer. And a great actor. Then I'll be a star. No one doubt it. "I am so curious about my gifts!" said Usagi as they all sat down around the table. Only Makoto and Ami ran between kitchen and living-room the carry the food to the table. The rest wanted to help them but they declared determined that two women were enough. And that they didn't want anything to waste on the nice carpet. "You are so greedy." Scolded Rei and again they showed each other their tongues. "Girls! Please!" Mamoru rolled his eyes but returned the knowing smile of Michiru. The young woman reached for her lover's icy hands under the table and they both exchanged short glances. Then Michiru stood up, took Hotaru in her arms said something of a surprise and left with the two children the living-room. "I am not greedy! After all it's enough food for all of us." Replied Usagi and showed at the first bowls that stood on the table. "It would be enough for us. But I am not sure if it's enough for you!" The young priest showed again her tongue and both rose and haunted around the table. Being scolded by Makoto who tried to get the rest of the food on the table. The roast was still missing and one bowl with rice Ami balanced concentrated in her hands. Haruka took a deep breathe. Now or never. "I... I've got to tell you something." Said the senshi of the wind but wasn't heard because of the shouting of the girls. "I..." she took another deep breathe and was thankful as Mamoru rose from his chair and said with a determined voice that they all should be quiet now. He had seen something in Haruka's eyes that made him shiver. That made him know that she wanted to tell them something really important. Usagi made a face as if she would start to cry in the next moment and Ami frowned as she balanced the hot bowl. "You're my best friends." Haruka started and swallowed hard. Suddenly she wasn't able to look in several loving pairs of sparkling eyes any longer. She grabbed her knife and played thoughtless with it. "No, you’re not only my friends. You're the Sailor Team, my family and you should know it. Well, you'll know it in some months and it's simply fair to tell you before you ask stupid questions." Haruka took another deep breathe and looked finally up again. She looked directly into blue shinning eyes and the senshi of love smiled friendly at her. "I am pregnant." Now it was out. The reaction was like a bomb exploding in the living-room. There was impenetrable silence and all stared at the young woman in disbelieve. Shall I congratulate her? Mamoru frowned as he looked at the young car racer. But Haruka didn't look like a happy becoming mother. And where was Michiru? Why looked the senshi of the wind so sad? So depressed? The silence ended abrupt as the bowl escaped Ami's trembling hands. It cracked as it hit the ground and hot rice covered the white carpet in front of her feet. The senshi of the water remembered too well the sadness that seemed to surround the taller woman during the past weeks. She heard the shaky voice again in her head, saw the young car racer again sitting alone at the black piano. No. It can't be true. But the genius knew that it was. "The date of birth is on July the 10th." Whispered Haruka and swallowed hard. She lowered her head so that she didn't has to look into worried dark eyes any longer. Setsuna frowned and ask herself why she didn't mention it. "How...?" asked Rei surprised and several pairs of surprised eyes looked at Usagi who only shook her head. "I didn't misuse my powers. Hai, I am Sailor Moon and I am the future Queen of Crystal Tokyo, but I don't think that I am that powerful." She shrugged her shoulders and Makoto silently helped Ami to tidy up the messed rice. "Well, then, my congratulations to you and Michiru." Mamoru came over to her and shook a icy hand. A trembling hand. "Do you already know what it will be? Will Hotaru has a baby brother or a baby sister?" Minako started to smile and Rei laughed as she heard Makoto's teasing words. "Where's the list for the future aunts to sign in for the baby-sitting?" "July? That are seven months now. You're still slim. But soon one will see it." Declared Ami and swallowed hard. "I read in a book that..." "You always read things in a book." Makoto rolled her eyes. "Hai, our living library. A real competition for you, Setsuna. So if you ever have a question just ask Ami." "Rei!" “May I sing a song for it when it’s going to sleep?” “Just let her be born first, Mina-chan!” “Hai, and we want it to fall asleep not to start terrified to scream because of your singing.” “My voice is nice. You’ll regret this!” “But I read in a book...” “Ami!” Suddenly they teased themselves around as ever and Haruka was relieved about their reaction. She had await worse. No one asked who the father was. They simply accepted that the child she was caring was also Michiru's child. The young car racer smiled slightly and looked over to Michiru who stepped back into the room. She was alone. The kids were still at the child's room. Playing with a card play the young violinist gave them some minutes ago. But they didn't count on Usagi's stupidity. "How could this happen?" asked the future Queen of Crystal Tokyo and the arguments died away at the next moment. They all stared at everything but the young woman who was very pale with a sudden. "I didn't misuse my powers and I am good enough in biology to know that it's impossible for two woman to have their own child on the natural way." Usagi looked innocently asking at Haruka. That look almost drove her crazy. She swallowed hard and felt how she blushed. Deeply blushed. Hard she fought against her tears and finally won the battle. She didn't know for how long. "How could you do it? I mean becoming pregnant?" Usagi frowned but she ignored the warning looks of her boyfriend. Maybe she didn't see them. Maybe she didn't even realize how stupid her own questions were. How superfluous. They all wanted to be happy about the new life that would be born in the next summer. To be happy with the becoming parents. They all knew that it wasn't their task to ask after the how and the why. They all knew that it was a great honour that they got to know about it before it was obviously. That the two outer senshi trusted them so much that they told them - at Christmas Eve. That they really wanted them to be the aunts of the new member of their great, lively family. But Usagi didn't think that much. Maybe her words weren't meant the way she asked so silly. Maybe she was simply too surprised. And a little bit curious. And Haruka didn't think about it, too. That she knew the always crying girl for a long time now. Almost three years. That she knew that it was Usagi's style to ask such stupid questions. That she didn't want to hurt her by asking them. That she only wanted to be happy with her friends. "How..." Haruka rose from her chair and interrupted another stupid question of her future Queen. Tears sparkled in her eyes as she yelled at Usagi. "I slept with a man, you baka! What did you think?!" She took a deep breathe, then she turned away and went into the kitchen. Slowly she went to her knees and opened the oven. The roast smelled delicious but she wasn't hungry any more. Nor did she know if she would eat anything when she had to throw it all up again the next morning. "But..." Now Usagi looked very confused and started frightened to cry. Mamoru took her into his strong arms and they all looked quietly at Michiru who only nodded. All bowed their heads as they understood the unspoken words. Michiru moved first. She went over to the kitchen and kneeled behind her girlfriend and embraced her trembling body. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Haruka understood her without many words. She simply leaned herself against her lover and winced slightly as Michiru touched gently her still slim belly. Someone put on the CD player and soft Christmas music evolved from the living room. Dishes jingled and someone scolded another one softly by tumbling over a glass. A filled glass. Filled with apple juice. Suddenly action returned into the inner senshi and Ami ran into the kitchen, fetched cursing a towel and disappeared back into the living room. They heard how Usagi stopped to cry and how Rei enflamed some candles at the table with her powers. Usagi screamed as Rei tried to burn her, too, with another really tiny fireball. “Hey, that’s my task.” Makoto came over to the still kneeling outer senshi and kneeled down next to them. So all the three of them looked into the oven. At the brown roast. “It smells delicious.” Whispered Haruka after a long while but didn’t look up. “You did a good work, Mako-chan.” Agreed Michiru and smiled into an understanding face. “Arigato.” Makoto took the roast out of the oven and at the huge kitchen table. Then she turned again to the two outer senshi. Her long brown plaid fell on her right shoulder as she bowed over them so that she could look directly into two pale faces. “Congratulations, you two. Whatever happened, it’s your child.” She giggled a little bit and blinked at them. “Hope it’s strong enough to survive us aunts.” She pointed over to the living-room where a wild priest was haunting a screaming Usagi. Then Makoto reached for two icy hands and tried to help the outer senshi up. “Today’s Christmas. The festival of love. We should celebrate it and be happy about the things we have and stop to moan about the things we don’t. After all we have Mina-chan to party. This is a happy evening and we should enjoy it. Arigato, you two, that we are allowed to celebrate it here – with you.” Haruka and Michiru smiled back at her and nodded. They knew how much this Christmas meant for Makoto. Her parents died some years ago and she had been very lonely before she got to know the Sailor Team. She enjoyed every minute she could spend with them. Slowly they entered the living-room again and although Haruka felt like she had to cry she burst out into laughter. Rei laid near the Christmas tree. Some silver sparkling balls covered her dark hairs and she hold a burning candle in each hand. Angry she stared up at Usagi who stumbled over a gift and laid next to her. She was covered with a blanket she seized on. Minako stood between them, a spoon in her hand, and commented what happened. Only Mamoru rolled his eyes, but he had to smile, too. Especially as he heard the low laughter he had to admit he missed during the past weeks. “The judges aren’t sure yet who won the race. But they surely will get great notes. We’re still waiting for a judgement. Maybe 5.9? Or even 6.0? Who will win it? Both jumps were graceful and full of movement. Will Usako win who stumbled with so much passion over a gift? Or Rei who fell almost in slow motion over the laying girl? How she reached for the candles and then the balls landing on her black hairs – that was genial!” Minako giggled wild as she heard several mumbles from the fallen senshi underneath. It sounded like >Kill you!< and >Free me!<. Ami had put her book aside and climbed at one chair and rose a sign pointing a 6.0. “Amazing! That’s the first time after five years that we see a 6.0!” explained Minako exited then they all burst out into laughter. Michiru gently touched her lover’s hands and was happy to see her not so sad anymore. For the first time after over two months now. After they finished their comments, Minako and Ami helped the other senshi up. “Okay, Ami, you’ll fetch the girls, I’ll fetch the roast. And the rest sit down, again.” Makoto observed shortly the set table and pulled away the now wet towel. It smelled of apple juice. “Haruka?” Light blue eyes looked guilty up into dark green ones. “I...” Usagi looked as if she would start to cry again and she plucked at her white dress she was wearing today. Because it was Christmas. “I didn’t want to hurt you. Sometimes I am such a baka and...” She shrugged her shoulders and a relieved smile appeared on her face as Haruka slightly shook her head. “It’s okay, Usako. I wasn’t that nice, too.” Before she could react the future Queen of Crystal Tokyo had embraced her. Then Usagi turned around and pointed at the gifts. “The big one’s for me. I already read the sign on it.” She declared and Haruka had to giggle as she saw light blue eyes sparkling. It’s amazing how she kept so innocent through those rough times with Mistress 9. How she could save our world, how she could rescue Himme-chan without ever losing her faith in the people around her. Sometimes Haruka envied her – even for her stupidy. Maybe that’s why she’s our future Queen. Because she never gave up. Always she fought for the people she loves. She cares about a lot. The senshi of the wind sat down next to her lover and looked into the flame of a candle. Maybe I should think of her each time I am down. To see how she survived all those terrible times knowing that there’s still some hope, as long as there’s still some will to fight. “Love you.” Whispered Michiru and gave her a short but loving kiss and of course Usagi wanted a kiss from her Mamoru who blushed deeply. And of course Makoto returned from kitchen with a delicious smelling, huge roast in her hands. And of course Ami entered the living-room with two exited children. Looking curiously at the tree asking when it was the right time to get their presents. Makoto is right. Haruka watched how they all talked happily at the table about different things. How they all laughed, ate and looked more than once at the still wrapped gifts. Hotaru climbed on her daddy’s lap and enjoyed it to be fed by her. I should be happy for the things I have. Not moaning over the things I don’t. I can’t change.
***
It was late at night. A special night. Christmas night. It was four o’clock and they celebrated very long. After midnight the two children slept deep and tight on the soft couch. Chibiusa had wrapped her arms around Hotaru and Usagi smiled like a loving mother down at them as she covered their small bodies with a warm blanket. They talked the whole evening while they unwrapped curiously their own presents. Usagi almost screamed of joy when she saw the nice ring her Mamoru gave her. It was golden with a sparkling jewel. It shimmered in all colours of the rainbow in the dimmed candlelight. Ami got a big dictionary and for the rest of the evening she didn’t mention anything else then the lines in the book. She only put it away and thanked the outer senshi of the soft scarf Michiru had knotted for her. It was a light blue with fishes all over it. And she laughed over Minako who gave her a pink unicorn who could really neigh. “For my genius. You’re always so serious.” Declared the senshi of love while Ami let the tiny horse gallop over the carpet they were sitting at. In front of the chimney. Feeling the warm flames next to them. Rei made special talismans for them and was very happy about the t-shirt Makoto gave her. It was black with a huge fireball in the middle. In fire letters was written above: Stop me and I’ll burn you. Rei laughed until she had to cry and of course she wore it the whole evening. With pride. It was such a nice evening. Haruka yawned and sat down on her bed. The rest of the senshi slept downstairs in the guest room. Only Chibiusa insisted to sleep with her Hotaru in the child’s room. Now it was silent again at the light house by the sea. The candles were switched off but you could still smell the roast. The smoke of the flames. Time by time you could hear how a senshi sneaked over the corridor. To the kitchen to drink something. Or to the toilette. Or simply to the living-room again to look again at her present. And to know that they would celebrate a nice Sylvester in about one week. With her friends, too. “They’re very good friends.” Said Michiru and changed into her night dress. Haruka already wore her pyjama and sat on her bed, watching at the moon shinning through the window. The world was white outside and the feeling of Christmas could calm her nerves down. She felt as if she was a little child again. Five years. When her parents still loved her. Before they left her. When she had been happy. That was such a long time before I met my Michi-chan. “Hai...” “Guess that was the last festival you got normal presents. Guess they’ll give you other things to the next celebration like your birthday.” “Then I am 21 and I am able to become president.” Haruka felt how Michiru climbed on the bed and embraced her from behind. Something crackled and she asked if Michiru really wanted to take her new evening dress with her into the bed as she threaded laughing about three hours ago. “My little president.” Teased Michiru and the senshi of the wind felt soft kisses that covered her neck. She shivered and hold a tiny gift the next moment in her hands. “I didn’t want to give it to you under the tree. It’s a little bit personal.” Whispered Michiru and automatically hold her girlfriend tighter as Haruka unwrapped it. Her hands trembled suddenly and she stared in disbelieve at the tiny baby pyjama. It was dark blue with moons and stars sparkling all over it. Haruka swallowed hard and slightly shook her head. She felt how Michiru pulled her closer to herself. She knew what that cloths in her hands meant. She knew the promise her lover gave her with it. Haruka took a shaky breathe and didn’t know how to react. Didn’t know what to say as she heard the tender voice whispering behind her. “What ever will happen, Ruka, I’ll be there.”
***
Chapter four: Listen closer
Sylvester passed by and a new year began. The whole world celebrated and the whole Sailor Team, too. January flew by and took away the snow. But the weather kept cold and dark. The sky was still grey and life simply went on. Slowly Haruka’s morning nausea disappeared. The whole January she prayed to the porcelain god every morning and Michiru held her tight every morning to prevent that her girlfriend would faint and hurt herself. Slowly her belly arched and at the end of January her trousers didn’t fit anymore. Haruka had always worn narrow jeans and now she needed adjustable clothes. Still she looked like a normal young woman and only Michiru could see her belly growing when she was naked. Every time they shared a long shower she stroke over the soft skin and realized that there was indeed a small being sleeping tight in her girlfriend’s belly.
****
“That can’t be your seriousness!” Haruka looked calm into the red face of her manager, heard his raging words. He opened and clenched his fists while he walked up and down the small room. “We all count on you. The whole team! You’re the hope of Japan to become the World’s Champion – as you’ve been it the past two years! Hell, you can’t...” Haruka shook her head, then she rose from her chair and smiled understanding at him. “I know how you must feel, Tsuakasa- san. But I won’t be able to win it the next season. Maybe I’ll do it again the next year.” Or I’ll never ever do it again... She swallowed hard and wrapped her jacket closer around her still freezing body. She was relieved that it was still cold outside and that she was able to wear wide clothes. Dark clothes. So that no one could mention her state of body. No one who wasn’t supposed to get to know about it. “Will you have a dangerous operation, Tenô-san? Because that’s the only thing I would accept for you simply giving up!” Her manager yelled at her but she knew that he would never beat her. He was simply scared about her strange behaviour. And disappointed because she had been indeed the hope of whole Japan. “I hope it won’t be that dangerous.” Haruka shook his hand and bowed slightly. She knew she would return to the race track one day. But not tomorrow and certainly not the next season. “Because I’ll have to give birth to a child in summer.” With those words she turned away and left her manager’s room. The boxes. The arena. What she left behind was a confused looking man. And silence.
***
“What a cold day!” Michiru shivered and wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck while they walked over the big parking space towards the hospital. Hotaru was with Chibiusa and Ikkuko. Certainly they watched TV or played with the cards Chibiusa got for Christmas. Although the future senshi of death still tried to eat the cards instead of playing with them properly. It was one of the coldest February Japan ever experienced and all people hoped that soon a nice and warm spring would follow. That the bitter cold would finally end. Haruka didn’t respond anything. She simply took her lover’s hand as they passed the entrance and sat down in the waiting room of the practice. The appointment would be in about half an hour but they started earlier because it was still very smooth outside and they didn’t want to cause an accident. Especially not when Michiru was driving. After Haruka almost crashed into a truck because the dizziness in her head controlled all of her mind, they decided that the senshi of the wide ocean should drive up to the birth. “Look at this.” Said Michiru exited and opened some magazines after they had sit down. It showed different children furniture. Sure they didn’t throw away all of Hotaru’s clothes not knowing why. But the cradle broke after Hotaru climbed out of it because she had been very frightened of a loud thunder. Now Michiru looked after cradles and behaved like crazy. “You know my opinion.” Said Haruka and didn’t want to look at the tiny clothes in the coloured magazine. She turned her head and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to keep that child. And now Michiru behaved like a becoming mother. As if she would be able to love it. Haruka swallowed hard and felt how her lover rose from her chair next to her. But I would never be... “And you know my opinion.” Whispered Michiru suddenly above her and Haruka felt loving lips on her own. Automatically she wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and replied the kiss with all her passion. “You must be very happy.” They interrupted the kiss and blushed both as they heard the voice behind them. They turned their heads and looked at a woman near the forty. She smiled friendly at them and Michiru could feel her looks at her slim body. “Christmas Eve was successful, wasn’t it?” she laughed as the young woman frowned. “You don’t look as if you were pregnant for a long time, now. Still sick in the morning, are you? But with your nice husband you’ll survive it. When you’ll hold your baby after nine months in your arms you’re sure that it’s worth every pain.” The woman sighed in memories. “I know what I am talking about. I am mother of five nice children. The oldest is now 20, the youngest just two years old.” “Nice for you.” Could Michiru hear her lover whisper with a low voice and looked deep into dark green eyes. Knowing that this one child was almost too much for her. Maybe she would have carried it with more pride when she would got pregnant another way. With Usagi’s help. If that child she’s carrying would be mine, too. “Tenô-san?” The nurse appeared in the door and looked at some sheets in her hands. “Would you please come with me?” Slowly Haruka rose from her chair and could see how the woman stared at her in disbelieve. At her slightly arched belly only one could see who know it. Who had given birth to an own child, too. “May I come with you?” asked Michiru and couldn’t look into surprised big eyes. The nurses only hesitated for some seconds. Then she remembered the young woman crying so desperately over two months ago. “Of course.” Michiru took her Ruka’s hand while they followed her into another white room. Haruka shivered as she saw the ultrasound. She was now in the fourth month of her pregnancy and the doctor decided that it was time to look closer at the tiny life growing inside her belly. Making sure that everything was alright with the tiny child. “Konnichi-wa, Tenô-san, Kaioh-san.” “Konnichi-wa.” They bowed as Dr. Sagurasa stepped into the room. She pointed at a chair in the corner and Michiru sat down thankfully. Thankfully that she was allowed to stay although she wasn’t the father. “How are you feeling?” asked the woman while Haruka unbuttoned her black shirt and lay down on the cold underground. Michiru watched her, looked at her slightly arched belly and wondered how she could love that child although she knew how it was produced. Maybe I am crazy, but I love it. Because it’s part of my Ruka. And I want it to be part of me, too. Haruka closed her eyes as she felt the cold fluid on her skin and shivered a little bit. And I wanna keep it... “Fine, Sagurasa-san. The nausea decreases and the last week I threw up my breakfast only once.” Answered the senshi of the wild wind and pressed her eyelashes together as she felt the unpleasant moves over her belly. “And here we go.” Said the woman with a smile in her voice. Haruka stopped to breathe as she heard the high, fast heart beats coming out of the ultrasound. The first sounds she heard of the child. My child... She swallowed hard and suddenly tears burned behind her lashes. But she didn’t want to give in her sadness. Not here. Not in front of the doctor. “Do you want to risk a look?” Haruka only shook her head, heard how Michiru rose from her chair and went over to the doctor. The young violinist looked at the black and white picture on the screen and her mouth stood open as she saw the tiny being. Being always in motion. Hearing the fast heartbeat that wasn’t the one of her lover. “What’s this?” she asked and pointed at the screen. Her cheeks were redden and a loving smile laid on her face. “That’s the head and here you can see two arms.” Declared the doctor and smiled understanding at the young woman who leaned closer. “It looks as if it’s winking at us.” She said with a shaky voice and stroke tenderly over the screen. Haruka turned her head away, biting on her lower lip. She didn’t want to see the child. She didn’t want to see it’s first motions. She didn’t want to.. I don’t want to love it! The doctor watched the pale woman lying next to her and the blushed other one watching exited at the screen. “What is it, Sagurasa-san. Can you already see some hints?” The woman looked at the scene and smiled. Then she nodded. “Do you want to know it?” “No!” Haruka’s voice was determined and she clenched her fists. “I don’t wanna know it!” Silently the doctor looked up into suddenly very sad blue eyes. She raised on eyebrow and the other woman nodded. Sea green hairs fell over her shoulders, tears wetted her cheeks. The doctor sighed slightly. Then, as she wanted to give the other woman a hint the door was pushed open and a girl about ten years entered the room. “Gomen nasai!” she blushed and looked at the doctor with big, pleading eyes. “Mommy?” she whispered and stepped from one feet to another one. “Gomen nasai, Tenô-san, Kaioh-san. That’s Mila, my daughter.” The doctor bowed. Then she left shortly the white room with her daughter. They could hear them discuss at the corridor. “Don’t you really want to know...” “No, it doesn’t matter!” Michiru sighed deeply. Then she went over to her girlfriend and gave her a light kiss on her white lips. Slowly Haruka opened her eyes and looked searching in deep blue ones. All she found was understanding. Understanding and love. “Risk a look, Ruka. It’s worth it.” Whispered Michiru and stepped a little bit aside. Haruka swallowed hard then she looked over to the screen and saw the tiny being on it. White on dark background. “That’s our child.” Said the young violinist and didn’t even mention that she said >our< instead of >your<. But Haruka heard it. She shook slightly her head, then she lowered her look. Maybe it’s so simple for you, Michi-chan. Maybe you can forgive him so quickly. Silently she started to sob. But I am not as strong as you. She felt how Michiru embraced her and comforted her until she felt better. Until the doctor came back. Until the bad memories disappeared from her mind. But they both knew that they would return.
***
She observed the tomato soup but it wasn’t ready yet. Nor were the noodles. Michiru turned the radio on and hummed to the sweet melody. She danced around the kitchen, setting the table. Hotaru was in her child’s room and played with her toys. They only waited for Haruka who had been shopping with Usagi and Mamoru. Usagi asked her and you simply couldn’t say no when Usagi was asking with her big, pleading eyes. Hope she won’t yell at me. Michiru giggled as she thought of the new furniture she bought after her tests were finished. Soon she would give another concert. The first after Christmas and after she asked Haruka if it was really okay for her she said hai when the guys asked her to accompany them. She brought Hotaru with her who liked it to listened to her music. The guys had been very kind to the small child and Hotaru felt safe when they were around. After the test ended she went into a big store with her Himme-chan. The small girl got a chocolate apple while she observed the tiny furniture. She fell in love with one piece there and simply couldn’t let it stay there. So she bought it and took it home. Hope she understands me. Michiru heard how Mamoru’s car parked near the house. She heard how her Ruka stepped out and shouted goodbye at the couple. At their future Queen and King. Then the key was turned and the young car racer changed her shoes. Something crackled and Michiru was sure that Haruka bought something herself, too. “Michi-chan?” shouted the senshi of the wind and came nearer. “I am here, Ruka.” She heard how Haruka stepped into the living-room and laid down some bags, surely on the wide couch. “Hm, it smells delicious, what are you making, my...” Haruka asked and froze in motion as she saw the small furniture standing next to the TV set. Where a similar furniture had stood just two years ago. Hope she’ll change her mind! “Michiru?!” Haruka’s voice was very silent and Michiru swallowed hard. Her lover hardly called her Michiru. And when she did she was really exited. Or really angry. “What is that?!” wanted the senshi of the wind to know and shook her head in disbelieve as Michiru come over to her. The young violinist followed her terrified look and wasn’t suddenly sure anymore if it had been such a nice idea at all. “It’s a cradle.” She answered and crossed her arms before her chest. “You know that Hotaru’s one is broken and that we need a...” “We don’t need a new one, because this child will never lay in a cradle in this house! Are you deaf, Michiru? I won’t keep it! I’ll give it to adoption! To a nice couple that will love it! Really love it the way it earns it! The way I will never love it!!! “ Suddenly Haruka was yelling at her, her body trembled. “I am not deaf, Ruka. But I don’t want to give it away. Maybe I should say it again, in slow words: I want to keep it. Because it’s part of you, too, Ruka. It’s your child.” Michiru took a deep breathe and stepped nearer. She wanted to embrace her lover, but the young car racer stepped automatically back. “It’s our child!” “Be realistic, Michiru!” Haruka slammed away the hands that were stretched to her. She stepped back and almost stumbled over the cradle. It had white curtains that were covered with shinning suns and little sea birds flying high in the skies. “This child was produced by a rape! It’s not part of you. It can’t be. Maybe it looks like it’s father and every time I look at it I...” “Why are so stubborn? What if it looks like you? A little child with blonde hairs and green eyes? To give it away means for me to loose something very important of you, too.” Now Michiru cried but her blue eyes stared angry at her lover’s pale face. “That’s not your decision.” Declared Haruka coldly and swallowed hard as she saw Michiru’s disappointed expression. How she shook her head in disbelieve. “To run away doesn’t solve any of your problems, Ruka. Maybe you’re right and it’s not my decision if it’ll grow up in this house or if it’ll be with strangers for it’s whole life! But at least you could have asked me...” Michiru pushed her girlfriend aside and stumbled over to the door. She didn’t care if their dinner would burn. She didn’t care if Haruka would hated her now. She didn’t care of anything else than the pain that increased inside her soul. Why can’t you see that I wanna love it! “At least you could have asked me if I’d like to be it’s mother.” Michiru screamed at her lover and slammed hard the door behind her. Still sobbing she ran upstairs and locked the door to their sleeping room behind her. Then she leaned against it and started desperately to cry. Why can’t you see that I won’t be able to love it! Haruka watched the closed door of the living-room for a long time. Unable to move. Unable to think. Then she turned her head and stared at the cradle. Slowly she walked over and went on her knees. Her trembling fingers touched the soft cloths and she swallowed hard. Certainly Michi-chan bought it with all her love. The young car racer touched her slightly arched belly under her white dark shirt and took a shaky breathe. But we can’t keep it. Not after all what happened...
***
Silently she opened the entrance door, changed automatically her shoes and put her jacket down. She took a deep breathe and slowly walked upstairs. The winter started to fight against the coming spring and it got warmer outside. Still it was cold, but not that bitter cold it had been during the past weeks anymore. Haruka didn’t want to think of summer. When the child would be born. When she would be high advanced in pregnancy. When it would be very hot outside and all could see her state of body under the summer clothes. I can’t do it. She stumbled upstairs and laid down with a sigh on the wide bed. Her hands searched for the remote control and soon soft violin music filled the air. She put some buttons and the volume increased until there was nothing more than the music in her ears. And her own thoughts in her mind. I can’t do it. Today had been the first appointment with a nice couple. A man and a woman nearly at the forty. Who wanted to adopt her child. They talked about the plans they already had for the tiny being and suddenly Haruka felt jealousy. That they would experience something she would never be able to. I can’t do it. She closed her eyes and listened to the music. Of course Michiru didn’t want to come with her. They had another argument and Michiru took Hotaru and went to her to Usagi. To talk about the concert she would give in one week. At the second of March. Michiru would play the violin and she invited the other senshi to watch her – and the famous guys they all liked so much, too. Of course Michi-chan didn’t want to join me in that conversation. Haruka talked to the couple for almost half an hour and they were friendly at the beginning. Then they got angry when they realized that she wasn’t really sure about the adoption. The woman started to cry that she wanted a baby and didn’t want to be betrayed by young, careless women any longer. And the man rose from his chair and wanted to give her some notes. As Haruka saw the money she stood up and left the room without saying any more words. She left the hospital, took the next bus and drove home. The last miles she walked to the light house by the sea. Looking out to the ocean, feeling the growing sun on her pale face. I can’t do it. She opened her eyes as she felt how someone laid down next to her on the wide bed. She frowned as she saw her lover who stared at her with deep blue eyes. “And, how was it?” asked Michiru and took the remote control to quieten the music. The soft melody became softer but didn’t die away. Haruka bit on her lower lip and turned her head away. “Where’s Himme-chan?” she asked instead of an answer. Michiru leaned forward and gave her girlfriend a loving kiss on the cheeks. She didn’t need an answer. She understood without much words. “Still with Usagi. She wants to baby-sit her this evening. So that we’ll have a little time of our own.” Michiru embraced her lover and kissed her tenderly. Haruka closed her eyes again and repeated the kiss passionately. She felt how Michiru opened the buttons of her shirt and winced as she felt icy hands on her skin. “Are you a snow woman or my hot lover?” she teased and heard how the smaller senshi giggled. “Ruka?” asked Michiru after a while and stripped Haruka’s bra. Slowly her breasts were becoming bigger and more sensitive. The young violinist asked how it would be if Haruka would ever breastfeed her child. One day. In their house. Sitting in the living-room on the big couch. Holding the baby tight in her strong arms. Smiling loving down at it. “Hai?” “Do me one favour. Don’t talk about the adoption anymore until it’s born. Think it over, Ruka. Give birth to it, hold it in your arms and look closer to it. And when you’re still able to give it away, then I can’t change your mind. But only then. Don’t talk about it in such a hateful way until it isn’t born.” Haruka opened her eyes again and swallowed hard. Then she nodded and stroke through the see green hairs of her lover that felt like velvet. “I promise.” She whispered. Then their lips met again. In a long, loving kiss. Haruka embraced her Michi-chan and hold her tight while the smaller senshi caressed her body tenderly. I can’t do it. But have to do it...
***
“I wanna see mommy!” Hotaru looked with her dark eyes pleading at her daddy. She wore a nice dark dress and looked really cute in it. Uncertain Haruka looked over at the rest of the Sailor Team. They all wear such fine dresses, too and Mamoru looked really cute in his black tuxedo. The young car racer thought if he had a rose inside of it and automatically smiled. They all sat in the first array of the huge arena. A red curtain still covered the stage above and it would take another thirty minutes until the concert would start. “Mommy!” The little girl looked really desperate and Haruka knew that she couldn’t resist that look. Her daughter knew how to get what she wanted. “I am back right now.” She said to Ami who sat next to her. The senshi of water raised her head and nodded. Then she read again in the book she bought at the entrance. Of course it was about the guys Michiru would accompany today. “Let’s search your mommy.” Declared Haruka and took her daughter into her arms. She wore her white tuxedo and she was sure that it was the last time she was able to wear it before her child’s birth. She was in the fifth month now and her belly arched a lot during the past two weeks. In her narrow tuxedo it was very obvious now that she was pregnant. But she didn’t care as she walked behind the stage. She was Kaioh Michiru’s girlfriend. The security knew and so it was no problem for her to get to her lover’s changing room. It was empty but the violin still laid on the table. So Haruka decided to sit down and to play with her daughter. The little girl laughed happily as she tickled her. Dark eyes shone lucky and dark hairs flew through the air as the girl jumped from her daddy’s lap and ran through the room. At that moment the door was opened and Hotaru flew into someone’s arms. “Mommy!” she screamed and realized too late that it wasn’t her mother she jumped at. Startled light green eyes looked into a suddenly frightened child’s face. Then Hotaru cheered up as she recognized who was holding her. “Yaten!” she laughed happily and grabbed a strand of his long silver hairs. The young man smiled loving down at the small girl, then he blinked confused at the sitting woman. First he thought that she was a man. She wore a white tuxedo and short blonde hairs surrounded a serious looking face. But as she came to her feet he could see her arched belly and knew who she was. The young man let the little girl down and a sweet appeared in his hand. Hotaru clapped in her hands and tried hard to unwrap and to eat it. “Konnichi-wa. I am Kou Yaten. I am the youngest singer of the Three Lights. You must be Tenô Haruka, Kaioh- san’s girlfriend. She told us a lot about you.” Said the young man and shook her hand. A friendly smile laid on his face. “I came to Kaioh-san’s changing room, because we aren’t sure which song we should play at the beginning. We discussed it at the last test but couldn’t find a good answer. But she‘ll be back soon, won’t she?” Yaten looked over to the violin and Haruka frowned. Normally Michiru didn’t speak so openly at her private life. But maybe those Three Lights were something special. The young man in front of her seemed to be friendly. Yaten moved towards her and before she could react he had placed his hands upon her belly. She stared at him with wide eyes but she couldn’t move. Couldn’t defend herself. Couldn’t kick at him. “When’s the day of birth?” asked the young man and there was a strange sparkling in his light green eyes. “July the 10th.” “Then you’re in the fifth month now. Did you already feel it?” Haruka only shook her head and swallowed hard. “You’ll feel it soon. It must be a fantastic feeling. To feel one’s child moving inside one’s body.” The young car racer frowned. Were there tears in those light blue eyes? Is he crying? “Kaioh-san told us a lot about you and your child. She always smiles and she looks like the happiest mother of this earth. She really loves you and your daughter. And your unborn child, too. But I believe you already know it.” Again Haruka only nodded and still felt his warm hands on her belly. As if he wanted to greet the tiny being growing inside her belly. Then he looked straightway into her eyes and now she saw his tears. “You must be very happy with such a family, Tenô-san. My sister had been pregnant, too. That’s now over three years, before Galactica...” he swallowed hard, then shook his head and blinked at her. As if he asked himself what he was doing here. “She lost the child?” asked Haruka with a silent voice and shivered. She never thought about it. Hai, she thought about abortion and since her body changed she thought a lot of the birth. But she never thought of loosing it during the pregnancy. “No, it was never born. Because she was killed...” Yaten swallowed hard, then he let go of her and stepped back. “Take always care of your family, Tenô-san. It’s the most important thing in your life. The most valuable.” Before Haruka could reply anything the door was pushed open again and Hotaru forgot her sweets as she flew into her mother’s arms. Michiru already wore her deep blue evening dress and her face shone with luck as she rose her daughter into the air. “Yaten, we searched you at the whole stage.” Another man stepped into the room. His long black hairs were hold together in his neck and he wore a red tuxedo. “The show starts in five minutes. Are you ready, Kaioh-san?” he watched at Haruka but didn’t greet her. “Come, Yaten, we don’t have time for playing with little children.” He was gone with those words and went fast away. “Sejya, wait!” The youngest singer of the Three Lights bowed before Haruka and quickly ran after his older colleague. “Strange guys, but very nice.” Declared Michiru and stepped over to her Ruka, her daughter still in her arms. “You look wonderful, darling.” Whispered the young violinist and gave her lover a light kiss on her lips. Haruka only nodded and returned the sweet touch. Still thinking at Yaten’s words.
***
Why did I buy it? Haruka stared at the violet toy mouse in her hands. It stared back at her with big white eyes. It’s ears were giant. Almost as giant as it’s feet. It looked really cute and the young car racer didn’t buy it for Hotaru. She looked over to the cradle and swallowed hard. Michiru didn’t put it away. It simply stood there next to the TV set and remembered her every evening they watched the news what her arched belly really meant. One day after the concert she had another appointment at the doctor. Michiru couldn’t come with her so she went to Dr. Sagurasa in her own. Of course everything was fine with the child. And as ever Haruka didn’t want to know it’s gender. After she left the hospital she went over to the next toy shop without really knowing why. There she looked for over two hours at the toys and finally decided for the mouse she liked the first second after she had entered the shop. Why did I buy it? She sighed deeply and looked at her watch. It was almost eight in the evening. Surely Michiru would come home the next moments and she wanted to surprise her with dinner. With salad. Nothing she would have to put into the oven – so that it could get burned. She knew why she bought the mouse. But she didn’t want to admit it. Slowly she went over to the cradle and put the violet toy mouse carefully down on the soft blankets. Then she walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge and started to prepare the salad. I bought it for it. But she would have never admitted it to herself.
***
Slowly spring defeated the winter. Although the nights could be very cold, the days became warmer and slowly whole Japan started to get green again. The trees stood in blossom and the first birds returned from their long journey out of the south. “Arigato, you two. I didn’t want to sound childish but I hate it to go to the dentist on my own.” Said Usagi while they left the white building in the inner city of Tokyo. She smiled happily because there had been no hole in her teeth and Ami had promised her a big ice cream if they would fetch her from the library. The inner senshi wanted to meet in the evening to learn for the big English test they had to write the next week. At her way to the dentist Usagi met Haruka and Michiru. The pregnant senshi carried her daughter in her arms while Michiru carried two bags with food and clothes. Haruka’s belly arched a lot during the past weeks and she needed new trousers and new shirts. The future Queen of Crystal Tokyo asked them if they had ten minutes time to be with her at the waiting room. She hated all kinds of doctors – especially the dentist. The outer senshi exchanged glances, smiled knowing and agreed. “That doesn’t sound childish.” Answered Haruka and nodded as Hotaru showed up to the sky to show her a white dove flying high above them. The senshi of the wind swallowed hard. She didn’t want to think of the day shortly before Christmas when she had sit in another waiting room. When I almost did the greatest fault of my whole life. “Let’s go to the library. It’s this way.” Michiru only sighed as Usagi ran too fast. The bags were heavy and she was tired. She didn’t sleep a lot the last night. Haruka had one of her bad nightmares again and it took her almost the whole night to calm her down again. When her lover finally fell asleep again Hotaru awoke and wanted their attention. “Shall we take you home? We’re here with the car.” “That’s great. Arigato, you two.” Usagi laughed happily and her two plaids moved through the warm air as she headed towards the old stone building down the street. A girl was already standing outside, still reading in a thick book. A bag laid on the ground next to her and they all were sure that it contained another books. “Ami-chan! Are you ready?” Usagi jumped and flew towards the surprised girl who yelled as two arms grabbed her and swirled around with her. Her scream changed quickly into laughing and the book hit the ground. “Usako!” gasped Ami and shook her head. Blue hairs touched her shoulders and blue eyes shone behind glasses. “You almost frightened me to death!” “You’re too serious, Ami-chan! That’s what Mina-chan always says and she’s right! We’re young, we should enjoy our life and not only learn.” “But without learning...” Usagi rolled her eyes but before Ami could told her how important a good school certificate was she saw the other senshi coming not as quickly as the future Queen down the street. “Hi, Michiru. How are you feeling, Haruka?” asked Ami and stroke through the soft dark hairs. Hotaru only smiled trustful, then she leaned her head against her papa’s shoulder and yawned oppressed. “Fine, Ami.” Answered Haruka and sighed slightly. She knew that even her wide clothes couldn’t hide her state of body any longer. Now not only her friends, her family would know it. Also stranger who met her on the street, in the next supermarket, at the parking space. “Hai, you’ve got a very fine appetite now. And what you’re eating! A roll covered with cheese and whipped cream! And that’s the most harmless meal she wants to eat during the past week.” Giggled Michiru and held up the bags. Smiling she shrugged her shoulders and Haruka knew that her lover only teased her. “As long as you don’t have to it, Michiru.” Laughed Ami back and took her own bag and slowly they went over to the park that was near the huge parking space. Usagi talked without any pause about the school today and about the visit at the dentist so that their way wasn’t boring. Or at least not so long. “I want your pure heart crystal!” screamed suddenly a voice behind them and Michiru could see how Haruka squeezed Hotaru tighter as they all turned around. Behind them stood a youma. It looked like a mixture of a shoe, a carpet and a knife. His arms were surely blades and they looked very sharp! It pointed at Ami who blushed deeply and stepped back, protectively wrapping the bag with the books before her chest. “Whatever will happen, you don’t move!” whispered Michiru and pushed her lover determined behind a trunk. “You have to take care of our children!” She saw that Haruka wanted to protest, but she put her bags on the ground, raised her henshin and transformed. Then a very angry Sailor Neptune went back to the sandy way and stepped next to Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury. “How can you dare to attack us simply like that? I had my torture this day!! I don’t need you!! That’s why I’ll punish you in the name of the moon!” Sailor Moon swirled with the sceptre in the air and almost hit Mercury who ducked quickly. The youma didn’t seem to be very impressed. It threw some blades at the senshi and they run into different directions. Sailor Moon and Mercury ran to the left, Sailor Neptune to the left. Again blades flew through the air and the youma decided to haunt the aqua haired senshi. Because she was slower than the other ones. Because she was more tired than they were. “This is your end!” It screamed as a small blue planet missed it. Neptune shook her head but Sailor Moon stumbled over a root and another blade met Mercury who stared in disbelieve at her bleeding arm, not able to move it anymore. Shit! Neptune looked at her henshin and felt suddenly very weak. So tired of all those nightmares she went through ever night. And now this silly youma. Where did it come from? Are there more youmas outside? Is there a new enemy? Again she tried her special powers and again she failed without really knowing why. Again she saw the blades and knew that all she could do was to jump – or to die. “No!” Two arms were wrapped around her and she flew through the air. Then she landed on the grass. No, not on the grass but on a body of someone. “Star Serious Laser!” “Star Sensitive Inferno!” “Star Gentral Uttterance!” Sailor Moon looked up in surprise as she heard the strange low voices and saw three young woman in dark clothes. With bright stars in front of their bodies. Several lights covered the youma who cried out loud. “Ouch...” Neptune rolled off her lover as she mentioned that she was laying on her. Haruka had still wrapped her arms around her waist and looked up at her with a painful expression on her face. “Why didn’t you stay at the trunk?” asked Michiru and took a deep breathe as she saw how Haruka touched her belly and groaned even more. It’s in the end of the fifth month! It’s too early. The senshi of the wind closed her eyes as the pain increased inside her body. She heard several voices shouting out loud some strange spells. Then she heard Sailor Moon’s known voice and knew that she used her sceptre to defeat that youma. It would be the easiest way to get rid of it. Haruka bit on her lower lip and oppressed a sob. Now, that’s not the way how it should be. That’s not... She opened her eyes again and looked into several concerned ones. Three young women she didn’t know bowed over her next to Sailor Moon and Mercury. “We should take her to the hospital.” Declared a young woman with long silver hairs and light green eyes looked thinking into dark green ones. “We?” asked another woman with long black hairs dangerous quietly. “Remember, Healer, she’s not the reason of us being here. We search for the special one and not for a pregnant... woman.” “But...” declared the smaller woman but was pushed away by her partners. You could hear them argue while they left the park. Not caring about the senshi who watched them in confusion. Until they were gone. “Better we do what she said.” Michiru helped her lover up who still hold her arched belly. It never moved. And I am already in the fifth month. What if anything happened to it and it’s already... Haruka swallowed while her girlfriend guided her towards the silver Ferrari. Ami took care of Hotaru while Usagi carried all those bags. But she didn’t complain. She knew when she had to be strong. “Here we go.” Michiru sat behind the steering wheel after they sat all down in the car and shortly looked at her lover. She smiled to cheer her up and her deep blue eyes seemed to say: Everything will be fine. Haruka closed her eyes and leaned back. She really wanted to believe in her lover’s words. During the drive her hands rested on her arched belly, hoping for a sign of life.
***
“Are you sure?” Haruka watched sceptically at the screen, saw the motions of the white being in the darkness. “Hai, your child’s feeling fine. Nothing to be worried about Tenô-san.” “Are you really sure?” Dr. Sagurasa nodded patiently. She knew how stubborn that young woman could be. She looked over to the other young woman sitting in the corner of the white room. The other women and a small child stayed in the waiting room talking exited to the nurse. “Here’s it’s heartbeat.” She turned the volume louder and Haruka looked still very sceptically. “But I never felt any motions inside my body.” She declared and laid her head again on the cool underground. “And after I stumbled over a root this afternoon and fell hard on the stony way it even hurt.” “Of course it hurts to fall down. That’s normal.” The doctor smiled while the scanner still moved over the freezing skin. “And you’re in the fifth month now. You should be more patiently with your child. Soon it will kick you and then you’ll wish that it would be still quiet and sleeping.” She laughed and turned the volume a little bit louder. Now a tiny, fast heartbeat filled the room and the doctor could see tears sparkling in dark green eyes before the pregnant woman closed them. “That’s it’s heartbeat. Listen closer, Tenô-san. Everything’s alright. Believe me.” She said and switched off the ultrasound and cleaned Haruka’s belly. Then she helped her up. She could hear the low whisper >Thank goddess< and smiled understanding and a little bit surprised. She’s the strangest woman I ever met. First she wanted to abort it with all consequences and now she almost cries because she thinks she already lost it. And the doctor knew that it didn’t has to do anything with hormones. “Dr. Tamaru-san told me that you didn’t want to see the couples again.” Asked the doctor while Haruka closed the buttons on her dark shirt. “No, they wanted to give me money.” Haruka took a deep breathe and carefully left the bed. “And the other one was too old. It needn’t grandparents, it needs real parents.” “Hai. “ admitted Dr. Sagurasa and rose from her chair. “It needs you, Tenô-san.” She saw how dark green eyes widened and the young woman shook her head. She’s simply too afraid. Deep in her heart she loves this child. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so concerned about it. Hope she recognizes it before it’s too late. “But I can’t...” “Love it?” asked the doctor and gently squeezed Haruka’s right shoulder. “Maybe you’re uncertain at the moment but you’ll surely love it when you once seen it.” “But if it looks...” “Like him? Don’t worry, all you will see are your traces in that tiny face. Your eyes and your laughs. You won’t think of it’s father whenever you hold it and you’ll love it. That’s for sure.” Dr. Sagurasa looked straight into sceptically dark green eyes, felt how the young woman trembled under her hands. “Believe me, Tenô-san. I love my daughter more than anyone else on this world. I’d die for her. I only want to see her happy and whenever I look at her I see myself reflected in her face. Myself and my husband. I never saw any sign of her real father.” Haruka swallowed hard and raised asking one eyebrow. The doctor only nodded and called for a nurse who led the young car racer into the next room where she could order her clothes and make herself fresh again. “Her father raped you, too?” asked Michiru quietly and rose from her chair. She walked slowly over to the doctor who smiled friendly at her. “Hai. But my husband helped me and after I hold my daughter the first time in my arms I knew that she was indeed our child. Believe me, she won’t let the baby go. Now she’s confused and scared. But she loves it. Even if she doesn’t admit it. I can see it in her reaction when I tell her that everything’s alright with it.” The woman gave Michiru her hand and bowed slightly. “She’ll love it. And I know that you already does. You’re a nice partner, Kaioh-san. And I am sure you’ll be a loving mother.” “Arigato.” Whispered Michiru and bowed, too. Slowly she let go of the touch that remembered her of her mother. Who had calmed her down when she had been very worried as child. “Dr. Sagurasa-san?” she turned at the door and wiped away the tears that were running down her cheeks. “Hai?” The doctor didn’t look up while she put the ultrasound away and cleaned the scanner. “What is it? I won’t betray it to her.” The woman raised her head, thought at the small girl sitting outside in the waiting room and laughed a happy laugh as she saw real excitement in the young woman’s face. “Better you’ll buy blue clothes.” Was all she said. Was all Michiru needed to know.
***
The bell rang and Michiru walked through the corridor to open it. Haruka sat on the couch and watched the news. Hotaru laid next to her in a soft blanket and slept deep and tight. It wasn’t that late in the evening but it had been another exhausting day. I am so tired. Michiru frowned as she saw several shadows outside. How tired will I be when the baby is born and screams the whole night. She searched for the key to unlock the door. We could handle Hotaru so we can handle this child, too. The senshi of the wide ocean opened the door and stared speechless outside as she saw at her lover’s team colleagues. They all stood at the steps of the staircase and smiled happy at her. The manager stood right in front of them, holding a big bunch of flowers in his hands. “Is Tenô-san at home?” he asked and blushed deeply. The racers, the mechanics and all the other people mentioned it and laughed. It wasn’t the first time that their chef visited an ill person of their team. But it was the first time that they visited a man that turned out to be a woman. The fasted racer they ever had who stopped racing because she became pregnant. “Hai...” Michiru still stared at them in disbelieve, then she shouted through the house: “Haruka, here’s someone for you.” She heard how her lover came to her feet and came over to her. She stood right beside her and her green eyes widened as she saw all the people outside. “What are you doing here?” she asked and swallowed hard as her manager stepped in and pushed the brunch in her hands. “We’re here to congratulate you.” He said and looked at her arched belly. “To make sure that you’re okay and that our best car racer will at least visit our next races.” He bowed slightly. “Gomen nasai, Tenô-san that I’ve been so angry about you the last day we saw. But it’s been quite a shock.” “Everything that wasn’t planned by you is a shock for you.” Shouted one of the other racers and the whole team laughed. “May we come in, Kaioh-san?” asked another man, maybe a mechanic and Michiru nodded automatically. It would be a little bit narrow in their living-room but they all were used to a small box at the race track. “Do you want something to drink or to eat?” she asked and several hungry faces brightened up. It looked as if they all came from training just to visit their best racer. Michiru smiled as she saw several gifts in strong men hands: Toys, baby clothes and of course a child’s seat for the car. Haruka felt how her manager took her arm and lead her together with the team to the living-room. Michiru gave them all something to eat and to drink and Haruka wondered where the hell she got all those glasses. All that fruit juice. All the rolls and all the sausages. “Do you know what it’ll be, Tenô-san?” asked one mechanic and Haruka only shook her head, still surprised that they all came. Really all. “As secretly as always.” Laughed the manager and took the still very tired Hotaru on his lap. The little girl only blinked then she fell back into deep sleep. They talked the whole evening, had a lot of fun and made sure that Haruka would come to the arena more often. And that she would call the manager up after the birth so that they all would come again to visit her and to see her child. Haruka sit in the middle of all those people and smiled surprised. Surprised that no one asked her about the father of the baby she was carrying. Surprised that they all seemed to be happy with her. Surprised that every one congratulated her – and Michiru, too.
***
“Michi-chan?” Haruka opened the door of the cabin and shouted at her lover who was in their sleeping room. It was early in the morning and they wanted to go to the circus together with Himme-chan and Chibiusa. The water still fell down at her but she didn’t really mentioned it. She only thought about the feeling she just experienced. She had to share with her lover. “What’s wrong?” Michiru ran into the bathroom and looked concerned at the taller woman. Haruka took wordless her hands and put it on her arched belly. The senshi of the wind frowned, then her face brightened up as she felt the soft prickle under the soft skin. Deep blue eyes looked loving up into dark green ones. “It kicked me.” Whispered the young violinist with a suddenly shaky voice and felt it again under her finger tips. “Hai.” Responded Haruka very quietly. “And it’s as wild as it’s mother.” Michiru didn’t care about the water wetting her pullover she already wore. She could change it afterwards. The smaller senshi stepped under the shower, embraced her lover tenderly, felt her arched belly against her slim one. Felt the prickling against her own stomach. “I love you, Ruka.” Whispered Michiru and kissed her Ruka tenderly. Haruka only wrapped her arms around her lover and closed her eyes. The kiss lasted for a very long time. They almost missed the circus.
***
“... and then I didn’t have the time to learn and got a bad mark in my English lesson. English is such a hard language and..." Michiru smiled at Usagi who talked without a pause. The coffee smelled delicious and the cake was nice sweet. Hotaru and Chibiusa played in Chibiusa’s room while Usagi talked to the young violinist in her own one. They were at Tsunkino’s house to talk over different things that happened during the past days. And to thank Ikkuko that she took care for Hotaru for so many time during the past months. Whenever Michiru needed her time with her Ruka on their own. To dispel her nightmares. To show her that she was still loved. To make her now that the baby was welcome – always. The bell rang and Ikkuko walked through the corridor to open it. “... and Ami really wanted to make me learn the whole night. Can you imagine? The whole night? That wasn’t what I...” Michiru nodded and looked over to the door that was opened slowly. Haruka appeared in the frame. Her face was very pale and Michiru saw that she fought hard against her tears. “Usako, would you be so kind to make me another cup of coffee?” asked Michiru while her lover came nearer and sat down next to her. “Of course. Hi, Haruka.” Usagi smiled at the taller senshi not mentioning that Haruka didn’t greet her, too. “Some milk for you, too?” The future Queen of Crystal Tokyo took the cups and left quickly her room to ran over to the kitchen to her mother. “How was it today?” wanted Michiru to know but she saw that she needn’t ask as Haruka raised her head. Tears sparkled in her dark green eyes and she swallowed hard. “One of the couple declared that they only wanted a little girl and the other one argued right in front of me. It was so horrible. I simply want someone to love it and not to argue...” her voice became quieter until it broke. The senshi of the wind lowered her head and wrapped her arms around her arched belly. Tears run down her cheeks now and she started desperately to sob as she felt her lover’s embrace. “Hush, dear.” The young violinist rocked her gently. “I don’t want to hate it, Michi-chan...” whispered Haruka and choked. The door was opened again but none of them mentioned it. “I wanna love it, but I am so scared that it’ll look like it’s father. That it will always remembers me on what he has done to me. How he almost killed Himme-chan and...” she shook her head and leaned herself against her girlfriend’s warm body. They both winced as they heard how the cups were put back on the table. Haruka raised her head and looked directly into Usagi’s big, sad eyes. “Go, Usako...” she whispered and tried to turn away. She didn’t want her future Queen too see her like this. So helpless. So damned weak! But she couldn’t move properly, because her body was in her way. She oppressed a sob and lowered her head again. “Go...” But Usagi didn’t go. Instead she pushed the table away and kneeled before the two senshi who were part of her Sailor Team, of her family. She only wanted to see them happy, never sad. Never desperate. Usagi looked into Haruka’s wet face but couldn’t see directly into her still watery eyes. Never crying... She touched her brooch and the moon sign appeared on her forehead. It shimmered golden but Usagi didn’t transform completely into Sailor Moon. Instead of raising her sceptre she took Michiru’s hand into her left one and laid her right one on Haruka’s arched belly. The senshi of the wind winced hard but didn’t turn away. Usagi took a deep breathe and concentrated. The golden shinning of her sign increased and soon covered them all. Automatically they all closed their eyes. Haruka and Michiru could only see darkness but Sailor Moon saw a small figure standing in front of her. She smiled loving at the child who smiled back trustfully. Your parents will surely love you. Usagi reached her hands and stroke through the brown hairs that suddenly changed it’s colour. Now they were blonde and messed and remembered the future Queen of a wild tomboy she liked very much. Dark eyes looked faithful up at her and Usagi lowered her head. Carefully she kissed the lashes and as the child opened it’s eyes again they were deep blue. Like the endless ocean... They love you. The child laughed happily and stroke over her suddenly wet cheeks. I know. It’s voice was high. Then it turned around and ran back into the darkness. Usagi took a deep breathe and opened her eyes again. She felt very tired with a sudden and the golden shimmer died away. Haruka and Michiru opened their eyes, too, and looked confused at their future Queen. “What have you done?” asked the young violinist and felt how Haruka trembled even more beside her. “I can’t change the past. I am not that powerful and Setsuna’s right. You mustn’t change time, that could destroy the world. But I could take away some pain from you.” Usagi smiled sadly at the two outer senshi and oppressed a yawn. “I couldn’t make your memories disappear, Haruka, but I could make this child worth loving.” She leaned forward and wiped away the tears that were running down over pale cheeks again. “I am not very powerful, Haruka. Maybe I can rescue the whole world, but I can’t change destiny.” “What have you done?” repeated Michiru her question and watched how the future Queen stroke gently over Haruka’s arched belly. The young car racer winced again but didn’t move away. “I made this child to be –your- child.” Silence evolved at the room while two pairs of confused eyes looked at a very tired face. Then the seriousness disappeared out of Usagi’s face and she was a seventeen year old teenager again. Still she stroke over the arched belly and a bright smile bloomed on her face as she felt the light prickle under her finger tips. “It moved!” she shouted exited and her cheeks were redden with a sudden. “Haruka! Michiru! It kicked me. That’s so cute!!!”
***
“Michi-chan?” She awoke when she heard the shaky voice beside her. She yawned and turned towards her lover. “Ruka? What’s wrong?” she whispered and rubbed her tired eyes. “Would you please hold me? Simply hold me?” asked Haruka and swallowed hard. Michiru didn’t answer. She simply took her into her arms, covered her body and her arched belly with her own blanket and pulled her closer to herself. >Whatever will happen, I’ll be there.< Haruka heard the promise again in her head. The promise her girlfriend gave her last Christmas Eve. A promise she never broke. “Michi-chan?” Again only a mumbled answer and automatically she had to smile a thin smile. “I love you.” Michiru nodded with her eyes closed. She raised her head and kissed her lover tenderly on her cheek. Then she laid her head again against Haruka’s shoulder and crept back into sleep. Holding her pregnant lover tight. To be there for here when her nightmares were haunting her again. To dispel all her fears. All her sorrows. To make her feel her love. Her and the small child she carried.
***
Chapter five: Instincts
“Wanna swim!” Hotaru crawled over to her daddy and laughed happily. She wore her dark green swim suit and hold a big swimming ball in her hands. Her cheeks were redden and her mouth was brown. She just ate a chocolate ice cream and shared it with her whole body. Her arms and her legs were also covered with brown spots. The dark hairs flew over her shoulders and wind played with some strands. It was a very hot summer’s day. After a rainy May the weather got better and better and the meteorologist promised a long and very warm summer. “Okay.” Haruka took her daughter and her arms and needed two tries until she stood up. There were only two weeks left until the birth and she felt like a big walrus. She wore a long, wide dark shirt instead of her own swimming suit. It simply didn’t fit anymore. Nothing of her whole clothes didn’t fit anymore. Now she often wore wide shirts and trousers that were adjustable. One week ago she searched for something in her wardrobe and looked sceptically at her red racing suit. Wondering how she had ever been so slim to get into it. Slowly the senshi of the wind went over to the swimming pool. She entered it at the side that was very low. So that Hotaru could stand in the water without being in danger of drowning. Although the little girl wasn’t afraid of it. Every time her mama took her into the house swimming pool she laughed happily and threw the water high in the air. As she did this time, too and soon her black hairs were wet. “Are you sure that she doesn’t carry twins?” asked Ami and put her thick book away. She picked up her sun glasses and watched over to the young car racer who sat down at the rim and looked with a loving expression on her face down at her daughter. Hotaru ran through the water, caught her ball and threw it up at her daddy. Haruka threw it back very carefully. The little girl clapped in her hands each time she was able to catch it again. “Hai. Although she often says that she feels like a balloon.” Michiru corrected her summer hat and giggled as she saw how Hotaru tried to splash her daddy and Haruka winced away quickly. She didn’t want to get wet. So everyone could see her state of body. As if anybody could have overseen it. “I can imagine.” Ami giggled, too and rolled her eyes as two shadows run by. "The last one in the water is a lazy chicken!” screamed Minako and her yellow swim suit sparkled in the bright sun. Rei followed her and soon they shouted out how cold it was by splashing each other. It was such a nice Saturday afternoon and they all decided to go to the swimming pool. “Hey, wait for me!” Usagi got to her feet and stumbled over her own shoes. She almost hit the ground but her boyfriend hold her back. Together the run into the water and soon there was a big water battle. And it wasn’t sure who would win it. “Do you know the gender of the baby?” Ami yawned and stretched her arms. It had been a hard week with a lot of tests to do in school. She learned hard for getting only good notes. For having better chances to become a doctor one day. “Hai, but Haruka doesn’t. She doesn’t want to know it.” Michiru’s smile faded slightly but brightened up as she heard Makoto scolding an innocent looking Chibiusa. “Where’s the sandwich? I knew I had two cheese sandwiches and now there’s only one left!” The future Princess of Crystal Tokyo only smiled and chewed very slowly. Then she turned around to play with Hotaru, too. Her pink swim suit fitted perfectly to her hairs and her pink eyes shone happily as she entered the water, took her best friend in her arms and swirled around with her. Hotaru laughed high and more water splashed around. “I see.” Ami nodded understanding but then she looked curiously at the older woman next to her. “And what is it? Please, Michiru! I know we’ll all know in about two weeks but I am so curious about it.” She said and blushed deeply. The young violinist only giggled, then laid back at the huge blanket and looked up at the cloudless sky above. “Guess we’ll have to buy another race car one day.” She whispered and swallowed hard. As long as Haruka isn’t so crazy and gives it away. They didn’t talk about that topic during the past three months and since that afternoon with Usagi Haruka didn’t visit any of those couples again. She went to all appointments and often met her racer’s team. To see how they were doing in the World’s Championship. And to give them some advice. She often watched Michiru playing the violin at some spring concerts and she was a loving daddy to Hotaru. I am so glad that Himme-chan’s too small to know what happens with her daddy. That she’s too small to understand that she’ll have a brother in two weeks. And maybe that she will loose him... Michiru blinked her tears away and smiled a sad smile. She avoided the topic of adoption and also Haruka slowly changed her habit. They took several photos of Haruka’s arched belly and Michiru loved to see the sparkle in her lover’s eyes each time the baby kicked wildly around. Maybe she didn’t change her mind during the past months. The young violinist smiled even more as she remembered the small toy she once discovered in the cradle that stood – still untouched – near the TV set. It was a violet mouse with shinning eyes, big ears and huge feet. Michiru knew that only one person could have bought it – for their child. “Great!” was all Ami could say. She glanced again over to the pregnant woman, then she turned her head and looked at Makoto who still observed their picnic basket. “Let’s go into the water, Mako-chan. It’s too hot for sitting outside and it’s too early for lunch.” She declared, grabbed Makoto’s hands and together they run into the fresh water and joined the rest of the Sailor Team in the great water battle near the slide. Usagi’s screams could be heard all over the swimming pool. “And, what is it doing?” Michiru sat down behind her lover and embraced her. Chibiusa threw the ball again and Hotaru screamed exited as she ran through the low water to catch it. She stumbled, fell into the water and stood up again – wet all over. But there was a happy smile on her face as she took the water ball and threw it back at her best friend. “Sleeping, I guess. It’s too hot.” Answered Haruka, bowed her head and closed her eyes as the young violinist started to massage her shoulders. Since her belly became bigger and bigger her back often hurt. Michiru spend a lot of hours massaging Haruka who laid silently on their wide bed. The senshi of the wide ocean enjoyed those hours very much. As she enjoyed the hours she took a long shower with Haruka and washed slowly the arched belly, feeling the child under her caressing hands. Sometimes Haruka’s hormones were playing crazy and although she kept strong when she was together with the other senshi and although no one ever saw her crying but her Michiru and only for one single time their future Queen, Michiru knew how hard it was for her lover. The nightmares were still haunting her down. Not as often as they had during the winter but there were some nights she spend holding her sobbing Haruka tight in her arms. Rocking her for hours. Trying to calm her down. Her hormones let grow her feelings stronger. Her happiness and her luck, but also her sadness and her despair. It’s okay. She can cry as much as she wants. As long as she’s able to smile again afterwards. Michiru’s hands slipped under the wide black shirt and Haruka gasped for breathe. “Not now. We’re in public.” She said and wanted to put those soft hands away. But Michiru was faster. For the first time in her whole life she was faster than the senshi of the wind. And stronger. She didn’t misuse that strange power she suddenly got. Only sometimes. Like now. “Hai, now. We’re in love, can’t you remember?” Michiru giggled and stroke over the arched belly under the wide shirt. There was no kicking yet. Certainly the child was sleeping now. Deep and tight. In her lover’s womb. “And we’re pregnant.” Haruka didn’t respond anything. She just sat there, hearing her daughter’s happy laughter, feeling her lover’s soft hands caressing her body. Again she remembered the words once a young man had said to her. With a sad look in his light green eyes. He’s right. We should be grateful for the things we have. Haruka gasped as she felt those soft hands on her breasts. There were bigger now and sometimes she asked herself how she could ever hide them behind her race track. How anybody could ever thought about her as a man. They were full of milk and sometimes she felt herself like a cow. Michiru only giggled when she told her and teased her a little bit around. Haruka bit on her lower lip and felt how she became exited. First she had been scared to love her Michi-chan. She thought that she would never be able to love her with her body after the rude man hurt her so much. And she had been unsure if Michiru would like her arched belly. But the young violinist did. The young car racer opened her eyes as she felt cool water on her naked legs. She saw into several grinning faces and couldn’t help but to blush. “You’ll have enough time for that later.” Declared Minako with a wicked grin on her face. “Now it’s time for party.” She looked around and the other agreed. Then they splashed the two outer senshi with all their forces. Even Setsuna who had swam silently though the swimming pool joined them and soon Haruka and Michiru sat at the rim – wet all over. Hotaru and Chibiusa laughed loudly and then the water battle got even worse. Harder. And funnier. Haruka felt how her lover moved into the water and took her with her. The young car racer didn’t defend – even if the cloths pasted now to her belly and didn’t hide anything any longer. The other senshi were nice to her and they had a great afternoon. Even if Usagi almost fell from the slide and cried until her Mamoru bought her some sweets – which she had to share with Chibiusa who shared her prey with Hotaru. Even if Minako almost drown at the attempt to get Ami under the surface – but the water’s senshi was simply faster than her. Even if Rei almost burned one of Makoto’s sandwiches because she wanted to have her cheese melt. I changed my opinion so often during the past months. Haruka smiled as Michiru helped her down the blanket, wrapped a towel around her wet body and fought with Usagi for something to eat. Makoto scolded them both but all she earned where wicked grins and she screamed out loud when they tickled her until they got what they wanted. There’re only two weeks left to make up my mind. Haruka sighed slightly and took her daughter in her arms who climbed on her lap and enjoyed it to get dried by her daddy. Secretly in her heart Haruka knew how she would decide. But she didn’t tell it to Michiru because she wasn’t really sure yet. And she didn’t admit it to herself.
***
“Now the basket is almost light.” Declared Makoto and her still wet plaid swirled through the air as she turned back to her friends who followed her. Mamoru wear the huge blanket in the one hand and some bags in the other one. Michiru wore some more bags. They came to the swimming pool by food. There was a huge park they had to walk through to the next bus station and they enjoyed the walk. Over sandy ways, through the shadows of huge, green trees beneath. Although it was late at evening the sun still shone. Her light got weaker and it was pleasant cool outside. Fresh wind played with their summer clothes and Minako started to sung. Soon they accompanied her and Ami’s book fell on the ground as the senshi of love grabbed her hands and danced around with her. Rei laughed and almost cried of laughing, because they both danced into Usagi who couldn’t hold her balance anymore. She seized on the other senshi and the three fell down on the ground. A big, lively family. Haruka smiled and took her daughter’s hand into her own one. Hotaru insisted to walk but Haruka would carry her when she’d got to know that the little girl was too tired to walk anymore. Chibiusa ran over the sandy way and collected some flowers she gave to every one – but her future mother. Usagi scolded her and soon there was another loving argument. After they calmed down they all decided to go to a nice Italian café they all liked very much to eat an ice cream. Tomorrow was Sunday and they all had enough time to get enough sleep to survive the next week at school, at university, at library or at stage. “Everything alright?” Michiru looked up at Haruka who supported her arched belly with her free hand. The taller woman turned her head and smiled at her. It was a honest, happy smile that moved Michiru’s heart. She raised her hand and ran it through short blonde hairs that felt like velvet. They were still a little bit wet and looked wet. My tomboy! “Hai. It heard something of ice cream and now it wants one.” Declared Haruka and slowed down a little bit. To walk could be exhausting for her. For the strongest of all senshi who was as fast as the wind. The other mentioned it and got slower, too. Only Rei and Usagi speed up. Because they were haunting each other again. Rei simply couldn’t oppress a cynic word and Usagi was now very angry with her. But their giggles betrayed their real feeling, their deep friendship. “It’s kicking around very wildly now.” Haruka took Michiru’s free hand and hold it up to her belly. Michiru smiled as she felt the kicking under the skin. Then she suddenly put her bags down and gave her lover a tenderly kiss. “You baka!” “Rei, you can’t...!” The voices of the other died slowly away. They knew when it was time to leave the couple alone and so they decided to go and to wait at the next bend. “I love you, Michi-chan.” Declared Haruka and blushed deeply. Michiru gave her another loving kiss and smiled up at her pregnant lover. “I love you, too, Ruka.” She whispered. “Love you!” shouted Hotaru and smiled happily as they both looked down at her. They wanted to say anything more as the shadow stepped out of the shadows. The rushes of the leaves increased and the wind got wilder. Some birds flew screaming into the dawning sky. “Hi, beauty.” Said a low voice and someone grabbed Michiru’s right arm and pulled her away from her lover. She turned around. Too surprised to say anything. Too surprised to defend herself. “Do you wanna come with me?” She made a face as she could smell the alcohol and the sweat. The man was taller than her and certainly he was stronger. His brown hairs were fatty and he didn’t shave for a long time. He smiled a wicked grin and she started automatically to freeze. Then she was able to move again. “Leave me in piece!” she shouted and kicked him. He didn’t expect it and let her go. But not for long, she could see the sparkling in his dark eyes. “Go or I’ll call the police.” She said determined and searched for her handy while she stepped back to her lover. Haruka didn’t respond anything. She only took her daughter in her arms and stared at the man with an empty face. But her dark green eyes burned. They were full: Full of despair. Full of disgust. Full of hate. The man came nearer again while Michiru dialled a number. But he slammed it out of her hand and tried to get her in his arms again. Where the hell are the other senshi? Michiru shook her head but at the next moment Haruka stepped protectively between her and the man. “Didn’t you hear what she said? Leave her in piece!” she declared with an icy voice that didn’t seem to belong to her anymore. It sounded strange in her own ears and she bit hard on her lower lip. She wanted to scream. To shout. But she knew that it wouldn’t change anything. “YOU!” The man blinked and looked at her. Then there was another expression in his face. It wasn’t greedy anymore. It was simply annoyed – and surprised. Shocked he looked at her arched belly and shook his head. “Why didn’t you abort it, you silly brat?” he declared and laughed a rude laugh that were haunting the young car racer down. Every night in her nightmares. Every day when she was awake and felt how the child moved inside her body. Not knowing how she should love it – after all what happened. “Don’t expect that I’ll pay for it, you whore. I believe you slept with so many men, I am not the father.” He shouted and raised his hand to beat her. Haruka didn’t move. She simply stood there, looking at him with a look in her eyes that made him shiver. That drove him crazy. “DEEP SUBMERGE!!!” A huge blue planet hit the man and he flew several meters before he landed hard on the grass. A young woman in a sexy uniform stood over him. Her deep blue eyes shone down at him and suddenly he was sure that she would kill him. Maybe he was very strong but suddenly he knew that she was stronger than him. “You aren’t it’s father!” declared the senshi of the wide ocean and grabbed his collar. He seemed to be weightless as she pulled him on his feet and pushed him against a tree’s trunk. “You asshole! Can you imagine how much you hurt her?” screamed Michiru and tears were running down her cheeks. She slammed him right into the face, right into his stomach. He groaned but she didn’t mention it. “You asshole! I’ll kill you for what you’ve done to my Ruka!” she raised her knee and he groaned even more as she kicked him between his legs. He wanted to go on his knees but she hold him up. “I’ll kill you slowly and bit by bit. You’ll be happy to be in hell. Because the devil is friendly compared with my revenge!” She pushed him against at the trunk and he tried to defend himself. But he couldn’t. She was too strong. Too desperate. Michiru didn’t see him. She didn’t see his blood, didn’t hear his groans. Didn’t mention that she was really killing him. All she remembered was her Ruka how she sat down in the shower, staring afraid into nothing. How she broke down sobbing when she got to know that the AIDS test was negative. How she cried for the first time in her arms of her girlfriend after they made love. How she sat at the snow covered beach telling her that she had been a coward. That she couldn’t abort the child. How she became more and more desperate after every meeting she had with potential parents for her child. How she yelled at her because of the cradle – and bought the tiny toy mouse some days later. How she hold her hands towards her arched belly and smiled with tears in her eyes, because she didn’t know how to love that child. How she listened to the tiny heartbeats and looked terrified with her big green eyes at the screen of the ultrasound. How she wanted to be so desperate a loving mother – but wasn’t simply able to. Because of that asshole! She kicked him again and again while tears were running down her cheeks. She sobbed hard and she finally let him go into his knees while she reeled. Helpless her shoulders hang and she choked as she saw into dark eyes that still didn’t understand what he had done. That he destroyed not only one single life with his lust. How my Ruka wakes up almost every night. Screaming, trembling. Crying as if the world would end... “I hate you, you rude...” she reached her henshin high into the air and Neptune’s planet slowly formed in her shaking hands. “ignorant asshole!” She screamed and her scream could be heard in whole Tokyo. Maybe in whole Japan. Maybe in the whole world. Quickly she lowered her hands and the planet flew up to him. Now he didn’t grin anymore. Now he looked very frightened with a sudden. But Michiru didn’t care. He also didn’t care when he hurt her lover. The man groaned deeply and fainted. He wasn’t dead. Michiru knew that she had huge powers but she also knew that her Neptune’s planet couldn’t kill anyone as long as she wasn’t in life danger. It couldn’t kill anyone by attacking him. But it could by defending herself. He’s alive. He’ll be alive until he dies one day. As an old man. Michiru turned around and went over to Haruka. The young car racer didn’t move during the whole battle. Her cheeks were wet. She cried, too. But she made no sound. No sob, no chock. She simply squeezed her Himme- chan knowing that she would do it again. To save her daughter she’d do anything. Even dying. But at the same time she knew that it was over. As he fell down and fainted she knew that he would never ever hurt her again. He was still alive. But Michiru hit him so hard, so aimed and made sure that he would never ever be able to hurt any woman again. Blood covered his trousers and she knew that he would never ever rape a helpless woman again. A woman who only wanted to defend her daughter. Slowly Haruka went on her knees because her whole body trembled to much. She let go of Hotaru who watched her parents with big eyes not understanding what happened. Then she wrapped her arms around her arched body and bowed her head. It’s not it’s fault It never been. She swallowed hard as her lover embraced her. She could feel how her Michi-chan trembled as much as her. She heard her silent sobs and felt salty kisses on her cheeks. “What...?” Several senshi ran towards them. They had heard Michiru’s desperate cry and transformed quickly. Sailor Moon forget her ballet and looked terrified at the bleeding body in the grass and at the crying woman, holding each other tight. “Guess he got his fair punishment.” Whispered Mamoru and took the handy that laid still on the ground. Silently he dialled the number and called the ambulance. Ami took the future senshi of death in her arms and she and the other senshi exchanged glances. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to do. They stood there as the ambulance came. They stood there as the men in white carried the man away – not asking how it happened. They stood there as the ambulance was gone. Watching at the two outer senshi. With pale faces. Only Setsuna smiled a thin smile. Knowing that it was over know – even if the birth would be in about two weeks. They went through hell. But now they finally reached paradise. Together. Setsuna didn’t ask the future. She didn’t have to misuse her powers. She simply knew it.
***
The pain increased inside her body. She groaned oppressed and wanted to get up. It took her several tries before she was able to leave the bed. Slowly she went over to the bathroom and stayed near the opened window. Fresh wind played with her sweaty short blonde hairs and she took a deep breathe. Both hands were holding a huge belly. They came home late at night. Hotaru was with Usagi so that they had some time on their own. That they could hold each other the whole night. Comforting each other. After the battle in the park. I am grateful for such nice friends. She winced as the pain increased again and bowed a little bit. It can’t be. There’re two weeks left. She gasped hard and took to steps to get to the toilette. But she didn’t reach it. The pain was taking her breathe away and she went on her knees on the soft carpet. She bowed her head and tried to breathe regularly. As she had learned during the lessons she took part at – together with her Michiru. First the other couples had stared at them but soon they got used to the couple always teasing each other around. Joking over the baby and laughing when the teacher scolds them. It can’t be. She whimpered as the pain filled her whole world. Then she felt something warm running down her legs. It wasn’t blood. Her shirt was wetted by sweat and she knew that she had to wake up her girlfriend. But she didn’t know how. It can be! “Michi-chan?” she whispered and wondered how shaky her voice suddenly was. Of course she had read all those books Setsuna brought them from library. Often they sat at the couch in the evening studying them together. Looking at the picture and discussing the text above. They talked a lot about the birth but suddenly Haruka feared that she wasn’t ready now. “Michi-chan?” I’d never be ready for it. The door was pushed open and the light was switched on. Michiru was at the next moment at her lover’s side. She saw scared deep green eyes and knew what happened. “Two weeks too early.” She mumbled and helped her lover up. Slowly they walked over to the bed and Haruka sat down. She breathed hard as if she just ran a very long way. Michiru opened the wardrobes and searched for some clothes. Soon the whole sleeping room was a mess and Haruka knew why they packed that special bag a long time ago. She sighed relieved as the pain decreased but she knew that it wasn’t over yet. “Are your labour pains coming quickly?” asked Michiru and pulled a summer dress over her suddenly trembling body. She shortly brushed her hair. Then she helped her lover out of the wet shirt, dried her body with a soft towel and helped her into a wide maternity dress she bought special for this day. Haruka didn’t even protest that she didn’t want to wear a dress. She simply hold her belly and gasped hard for breathe. “I don’t know...” she whispered and groaned again. There was the next pain coming and she almost fell on the ground. But Michiru hold her tight. She grabbed with one hand the bag with the other one her groaning girlfriend. “We should hurry up. If he’s as impatient as you then we’ll see him before we’re getting into the hospital.” Teased Michiru while she helped Haruka downstairs. Suddenly every step was too high and the senshi of the wind seemed to need eternity. “Car racers!” Haruka froze and Michiru blushed deeply as she recognized what she had say. “He? It’s a boy?” Haruka asked and looked down at her arched belly. She never asked about the gender because she feared... What the hell did I fear? She didn’t know. She simply didn’t think of anything else than the pain returning inside her belly. “Hai. We’ll have a small son.” Declared Michiru with a shaky voice and opened the door. Haruka took another deep breathe but she felt too weak to argue again with her lover. Why should I argue with her? She didn’t find an answer of that question, too. “Don’t forget the car keys.” Whispered Haruka and leaned herself against the handrails. She took another deep breathe and smiled as Michiru’s eyes widened and she ran again into the light house by the sea.
***
“Breathe. Regularly breathe!” Michiru hold her lover’s right hand tight. Haruka rolled her eyes and groaned again as the pain increased to a level she didn’t expect yet. “What do you think I am doing?” she growled and laid her head again on the pillow. Her sweaty hairs hang in her pale face and she wanted to take a shower. But didn’t know how the get up from the bed. They got to the hospital in a speed Haruka feared that Michiru would cause an accident. She simply speed up and let her know that they drove a Ferrari. That she was indeed a car racer’s girlfriend. Michiru helped her out of the car and yelled at all nurses that this was an emergency. They helped Haruka into a wheelchair and brought her away. Michiru wanted to follow her but they didn’t want to let her pass. Because she wasn’t a family member. That was the moment when the senshi of the wide ocean screamed very loud and very raging. So they let her through to get their peace again. "Hey, I didn't went to all those lessons to keep silent now! So I'll tell you how you'll have to breath!" teased Michiru with a big grin that showed that she felt with her lover. Not only mentally. Her whole body trembled, too and the young car racer asked herself if it wasn't even harder to become a daddy than a mommy. "I do it. I do it. You don't have to yell at me." "Gomen..." Michiru blinked and looked wildly around. But there was no doctor yet. The nurse left three minutes ago to call for someone and suddenly the young violinist didn't know what to do. What shall I do if the baby's coming right now? And I am the only one who can help her? I don't know how to bring a child in this world! I don't... Haruka smiled a tired smile as she looked at her exited lover beside her. Is she even more scared as I? "Hey, Michi-chan. Calm yourself down. Everything will be right!" Michiru turned her head and smiled nervous back at her and Haruka knew that she was right. "How do you know that?" she asked in a very shaky voice and the young car racer could see tears sparkling in those wonderful deep blue eyes she loved so much. She’s my light. She’s my life. I don’t know how I should have survived all those months without her. "Instincts." Haruka squeezed the icy hand tenderly that was holding her own one tight. The senshi of the wind knew that Michiru would never let her go. That she would hold her - as long as it would take to give birth to this child. “I love you.” She gasped and bit on her lower lip as the pain increased again. Michiru nodded with tears in her eyes. “I love you, too.” It was not more than just a shaky whisper. The door was opened and Dr. Sagurasa entered the room. She smiled friendly at the couple. "It's nice to see you again. To see you in that situation is pleasure for my old eyes." She said and came over to the bed. Almost tender she stroke over sweaty short hairs and looked into scared green eyes. "Nice to delight you..." breathed the young car racer through her teeth and wondered how much pain she could bare. How much it would take the child to push her to her limits - and how easily she would cross them. "Joker." Said Dr. Sagurasa and smiled. Then she controlled Haruka’s state of body. She looked once at Michiru then decided quietly that she was allowed to stay. The pregnant young woman needed her and the doctor didn’t care a lot about hospital rules. Maybe the see green haired beauty didn’t belong to the other’s family by law. But if love made family then she was one of the groaning one’s closest member. “It’ll have a lot of aunts, am I right?” she asked and smiled as Haruka rolled her eyes and groaned again oppressed. She clenched her fists around her girlfriends hands and her face showed how much pain she felt right now. The young car racer didn’t want any medicine before the child wasn’t born and again Dr. Sagurasa knew that the young woman already loved that child. Although she didn’t admit it to herself yet. “They’re already here?” asked Haruka and bit again on her lower lip. She tasted blood and felt tears burning in her eyes. She looked up at Michiru and knew that she needn’t to be ashamed about the weakness the young violinist saw right now. The senshi of the wide ocean giggled and squeezed Haruka’s hands back. For her her lover wasn’t weak at all. Right at this moment she was the strongest woman Michiru had ever seen. Giving birth to their child. "I promised Usagi to call her up when you're in hospital." Said the young violinist. “Guess they’re making all the nurses crazy.” Said Haruka oppressed and started to breathe harder again. The pain was almost unbearable and she had to fight hard against herself not to cry out loud. “How could you guess?” asked the doctor and placed herself between Haruka’s legs. The young woman wore a white shirt now and it smelled of disinfectants. Normally she would have been ashamed to lay in such a helpless position. But now she didn’t care about it. She only wanted that pain to be over. And she wanted her child to be born. At last born. So that I can see it. And decide... “Instincts.” Laughed Haruka and groaned loudly as the pain reached it’s climate. She grabbed her lover’s hands tight and heard the soft voice she loved so much saying calming words. "It's okay, Ruka. I am here. Right here. I won't leave you. Not now. Never. I love you..." She didn’t listen to them. All she felt was the pain inside her body. All she heard were the words of the doctor. “And now press, Haruka. That looks good. You’re doing it very well.” It was one of those moments when Dr. Sagurasa decided that there was no need anymore to be too polite. But there was a need to be familiar. She saw the tears running down over two pale faces. The young woman closed her eyes and did as she was told. “Just a little bit harder. Hai... That’s good.” The door was opened again and one nurse came into the room. She said nothing but took position right behind the doctor. To help her and to call quickly other doctors if there were any complications. But there weren’t any. Please, come out! Haruka pressed her eyelids hard together, felt her lover’s hands holding her own ones tight. The pain seemed to torn her apart. Please, be healthy, small boy! “Press. That’s good. Hai, right this way. And here comes the tiny head.” Commented the doctor with a calming voice that remembered Haruka suddenly of her mother. When she had been a small child. Loved by her family... Suddenly her fears were gone and she trusted the doctor. Although the pain was incredible she pressed once more as she was told. Please, let me love you! The pain almost torn her apart. She couldn't hold back a scream and grabbed hard her girlfriend's hands. Michiru stopped talking. Now she held her hand tight, too. Being with her. All the time. Suddenly Haruka felt how something left her body. Someone... “And here he comes.” Said Dr. Sagurasa and Haruka could hear Michiru’s sobs. And then she heard a high, protesting scream. It filled the whole room and it was the most beautiful scream Haruka had ever heard. It sounded angry as if the child didn’t want to be born. That it wanted to be back in it’s mother’s belly. That it was cold outside. It was an angry and wild scream. It remembered Haruka of the scream of a bird flying high in the sky. Being carried by the wind. Under it there was the wide ocean. The sea that would hold it if it would ever fall... Haruka sobbed and her head fell on the pillow again. She breathed hard and felt suddenly very exhausted. Very tired. But at the same time so excited. So happy she had seldom been in her whole life. “It’s a little boy.” Declared the doctor and a warm bundle was laid in Haruka’s arms. "And don't tell me he wasn't worth it, Haruka." It sounded like a warning but Haruka knew it wasn't. The young woman swallowed hard. Then she opened her eyes and stared into deep blue ones. The small child yawned tired and stopped exhausted to scream. It’s skin was red and crumbled. But it was the most beautiful face Haruka had ever seen. The tiny head was covered with wet, fluffy hairs. The colour was a light blonde. Like her own strands... Again another yawn. Two tiny hands reached for her and touched her. Haruka swallowed again and more tears were running down her cheeks. She wasn't ashamed about them. She didn't even mentioned them. He's so tiny. He's so weak but yet so strong.. Haruka lowered her head and kissed automatically the child's tiny forehead. He closed his eyes and made a face as if he didn't want to be disturbed. As if he needed his time to get some sleep. To be ready to face this world. His future. His family. He's my son... “He’s beautiful...” whispered Michiru with a shaky voice and more tears run down her cheeks. “I love you, Ruka.” She said and trembling hands touched carefully tiny ones. The baby didn’t mention it. It yawned again and settled down into sleep after an exiting birth. “And I love him too, Ruka. Our small son.” Haruka didn’t respond anything as she heard her lover’s soft words. So true words. She didn’t feel the pain anymore that was still in her body. That would die away during the next hours. Dying away forever. All she saw was the tiny child in her arms. Sleeping deep and tight. Trusting her. At that moment she made her decision. “Congratulation.” Whispered Dr. Sagurasa relieved as she saw the proud couple with their child.
***
“It’s a boy!” The scream filled the whole hospital. Some patients and some visitors look up in surprise as a blonde haired girl crashed into the waiting room. “It’s a boy!” Minako smiled such a big grin that some of the visitors feared that her face would break apart. A wild shinning sparkled in her light blue eyes. Ami rose from her chair and threw the book high into the air. Makoto shouted happily while Rei jumped on the table and did a loud and moving prayer of gratitude to the goods. Chibiusa took Hotaru in her arms and swirled around with the still very tired girl who didn’t know what was happening. “It’s a boy!” Usagi grabbed Setsuna’s hands and danced with her through the whole waiting room. For the first time the senshi of time didn’t care about her age or what other people thought and danced with her future Queen. Happily laughing. Only Mamoru stood in at the wall and smiled knowing at them all. “It’s a boy!” Then they took each other by the hand and danced through the whole hospital as if it was Sylvester or carnival. The nurses let them do. Some of them even clapped in their hands as they sung well known songs. But they changed the texts completely. “It’s a boy!”
***
Epilogue: Find a way to my heart
He looks like Ruka. Michiru stood in front of the huge glass wall looking at her son. The baby slept deep in tight in it’s tiny bed between other babies who were born at the same day or the same week. He looks like me... Blonde hairs, deep blue eyes. They didn’t understand what Usagi had done at that cold winter’s day some months ago. When Haruka had been so desperate and cried in her lover’s arms. But now they understood. Because there was no sign of the rude man that used to be his producer. Michiru smiled loving down at the sleeping baby and winked as a nurse entered the baby’s room. She smiled and winked back at her. He’s just one day old. The birth had been yesterday but already now she couldn’t imagine her life without him anymore. Hotaru was with Usagi because Michiru had to talk to her lover alone. It would be a very serious conversation and the little girl was too young to understand it. Michiru frowned as the nurse took her son into her arms and left the baby’s room. Strange. It’s noon. I thought that’s sleeping time for them. The young violinist turned around the corner and froze in motion as she saw the old couple that entered her lover’s hospital room. The old woman smiled at her husband. “I can’t wait to see him.” She said and looked happily up at him. “I know, dear.” Michiru stopped to breathe. Her heartbeat seemed to stop and her whole body trembled. Suddenly tears burned in her eyes and all the joy she had felt during the past 24 hours died away. She can’t... The young violinist swallowed hard and seized at the wall as the world started to spin around her. Of course she can. She always talked about it. Now he’s born and she made her decision. Michiru sobbed as she recognized that Haruka did the wrong the decision. The senshi of the wide ocean turned around and ran away as if bloodhounds were haunting her. Hot tears run down her pale cheeks and she crashed into several nurses but pushed them away without looking up. She didn’t even ask me! Michiru sobbed desperate as she left the hospital. No knowing if she would ever have the power to return again. To live the life again she used to live before that day in October. To behave as if nothing happened. To love her girlfriend again – with all consequences. She ran into the near park, sat down at a bank and cried as if the world was going to end. Gomen, Ruka, but I am not strong enough to say goodbye.
***
It was evening when she finally left the park. Her eyes were red and swollen and her face dirty. Empty she looked at the reception as she entered the hospital for the second time this day. She fought herself hard to walk along the white corridor that would lead her towards her love’s room. For some seconds she stopped near the huge window and deep blue eyes stared shocked at the tiny bed. It was empty. Of course it’s empty. Ruka gave him away... She sobbed again but there were no tears in her eyes. She cried the whole day and there was no wet left in her anymore. No clear thought. No hope. Some people walked by without mentioning her. She stood there in front of the door. Her hands trembled as she reached out for the door knob. But she couldn’t reach it. Couldn’t touch it. Couldn’t open the door. I know why I am here. She swallowed hard and the world blurred around her. But she fought hard against the dizziness in her head and took a deep breathe. I’ll take Hotaru and leave her. Michiru sighed deeply and shook her head. Maybe she wasn’t able to love her girlfriend anymore the way she did before the adoption. But she knew that she wouldn’t leave Haruka. She needed her too much and Hotaru needed both of her parents. But how shall I look into her eyes again? The young violinist lowered her head and wild strand of her see green hairs covered her pale face. Her clenched fists trembled and she oppressed another dry sob. It had been a rape, but he’s our son! I love him. How shall I forgot him? She remembered the prickle feeling under her hands each time she touched that arched belly and clenched her fists even more until it hurt. The door was pushed open and a nurse appeared. She carried a tray on her arms and raised surprised one eyebrow as she saw the smaller woman. Of course she knew who the young woman was. They all knew it after the great party the nurses gave at the hospital shortly after the little boy was born. “At last, here you are. She’s waiting for you the whole day.” She said and pushed Michiru into the hospital room. Then she closed the door quietly behind her and walked quickly away. The young violinist stood motionless at the room. Not able to say anything. Not able to look up. So she stared determined at her shoes and wondered why she returned. “Where have you been? Usagi was here with Hotaru half an hour ago. They asked after you and Himme-chan was really sad that you weren’t here.” She heard her lover’s voice and frowned. There was no regret in it. No sadness. Only joy and love. “You missed a nice scene, Michi-chan. First I thought that Himme-chan’s too young to understand. But as she saw her brother she jumped around the whole room and screamed out loud >Yippee<. Chbiusa couldn’t calm her down and Usagi almost cried because she had to laugh so much.” Michiru blinked confused. "You should hear Usagi's screams. Cute, nice and whatever else. Poor Mamoru! She'll be crazy when she'll be pregnant with Chibiusa one day and Chibiusa is very pleasant that she was too tiny to remember her crazy mother." Haruka giggled and it sounded strange in her ears. Why should Himme-chan so happy about her brother when we won’t keep him? At that moment she heard the munching noise. Slowly she raised her head and stared in disbelieve at the small child who laid in her lover’s arms and drank greedy. “He’s very hungry...” said Haruka but her voice became quieter and died away as she saw her girlfriends dirty face. The red eyes as if she cried a lot. “What happened, Michi-chan?” asked the young car racer concerned but couldn’t stand up from her bed. She was still too weak. The birth had been exhausting but doctor Sagurasa was sure that she could leave the hospital during the next week – together with her new born son. She looks as if she lost something really important. Ore someone... Haruka swallowed and in that moment she realized how much she hurt her Michi-chan by going to all the meeting with all those silly couples. By yelling at her when she saw for the first time the nice cradle. To tell her almost every day that she would give her son away - until Michiru begged her for stopping it. But she never stopped thinking about it. Even now she's uncertain what I'll do. Oh, Michi-chan... “I...” Michiru shook her head and asked herself how she could be so unfaithful in her Ruka. “I thought that you gave him away. There was an old couple coming to you this noon when I wanted to visit you. The nurse brought him away and I thought...” She couldn’t help but sobbed again. “Those were close friends of Usagi’s parents. They wanted to visit their daughter who gave birth to her own son the last night. And so they said hello to me, too.” Haruka frowned and showed her girlfriend to sit down next to her. Michiru did as she was told and wiped away some tears that were still in her burning eyes. Her head ache and she felt really sick. But at the same moment as happy as she hadn’t been before in her whole life. “You really thought I would give him away?” whispered Haruka and took with her free hand Michiru’s icy one. Dark green eyes looked loving up at deep blue ones. Loving and guilty. The young violinist watched her lover in silence. The short blonde hairs were messed and she looked very tired. But there was a happy sparkling in her eyes and a tomboy grin laid on the still pale face. Suddenly Michiru knew that her Haruka was recovered. From what the rude man did to her. “Hai...” she nodded and took a deep breathe. I've been so stupid! So blind! I should have known that she would love him. Even if Usagi wouldn't have put that rude men's genes away and replaced them with mine... “Gomen, Michi-chan. I know, I’ve been very stubborn during the past months.” Haruka lowered her head and watched her son drink. Her look was full of love. And pride. “But as I hold him in my arms I knew that he belongs to me. It had been so hard during the past months. During the whole pregnancy. I was so scared that I would never be able to love him. That I would hate him. Then I saw into his face and couldn’t look away. He’s so tiny. So helpless. But yet so strong. Within a few moment’s he found the way to may heart and I won’t ever let him go, Michi-chan.” Haruka gave a light kiss on the tiny head and Michiru swallowed hard. Sun shone through the window and covered the mother and her baby. It was such a touching picture that Michiru sobbed again. Tears were running down her cheeks again and she asked herself if that was her destiny of being the senshi of the wide ocean. But now there weren’t tears of sorrow or despair. Only of happiness and endless joy. She was sure that she would never forget that picture on her whole life. She's my family. She, Hotaru and our little son. “After all we’ve got that nice cradle and I can’t wait to see him in it.” Haruka raised her right hand and wiped softly the tears away. Her lover's certainly last tears. Then she stroke through messy sea green hair and over small shoulders. Over soft skin of naked arms and automatically Michiru started to shiver. "Arigato, Michi-chan. Without you I would never survived this hell. I would have never recognized that I loved him long before he was born. That our past is not automatically our destiny." Haruka saw how Michiru took her hand into her own one and entwined her fingers with her own one. Then deep blue eyes looked straight into dark green ones. I will never leave you. As long as I live. And even longer... It was a promise they gave each other in silence. They didn't need any words. They understood each other with that look that meant everything. The young violinist smiled and knew that the picture she wanted to see would finally become true: Her tomboy sitting at the big couch, breastfeeding their son. Smiling loving down at him. “Michi-chan?” The young violinist nodded and returned back into reality as she heard her lover’s soft voice. “Hai?” Haruka took a deep breathe and squeezed the smaller hand in her own one tighter. There was a serious expression in normally teasing eyes. At the last time desperate shimmering eyes... But Michiru knew that this time was over. Forever. At last! “I knew I never asked you, but do you still want to be his other mother?” Haruka laid her head on her shoulder and watched her uncertain. He smiled relieved as Michiru only nodded and wrapped her arms around her. To hold her tight. To never let her go again. “Of course.” She whispered and gave her Ruka a loving kiss. “Of course...” The kiss lasted for a long time and none of them wanted it to stop. I love you so much, Ruka. You're my life, Michi-chan. “Hi Haruka, I thought...” Minako opened the door and blushed deeply as she saw the couple. "Don't be so shy!" Rei pushed her into the room and pulled Ami with her. Makoto shrugged helpless her shoulders while a knowing smiling Setsuna followed. “Gomen, we didn’t want to disturb you, but we were in the region and thought...” started Ami and bowed but she was interrupted by Minako who put two huge bags on the bed. "We were at the region? No one believes you in this room!" snapped Rei and Ami blushed even more. "The truth is that we met Usagi on her way home and we asked her how you are doing and she said so many things about you and your son that we simply had to come to see him." The young priest stepped nearer with a curious sparkle in her dark eyes and looked down at the small boy at Haruka's left breast. Still he drank but time by time he yawned and closed his eyes as if he wasn't sure if he should drink or sleep. "My goddess. He's so tiny." Whispered Rei and touched very, very carefully the tiny head. The baby awoke and munched again. Haruka couldn't oppress a giggle. Neither did Michiru. "I've never seen such a cute child in my whole life." Admitted Makoto and looked over Rei's shoulder. "Hey, I wanna see him, too!" demanded Minako and pushed them aside. Then she froze in motion and her blue eyes shimmered with tears as she looked at the small boy. "My first nephew." She declared with a shaky voice and stroke over the tiny back. The boy turned his head and watched her with his deep blue eyes. "Say hello to your auntie Mina, little one." Whispered the senshi of love and suddenly started to cry. Ami stepped next to her, took her comforting into her arms and looked at the boy, too. "He looks like you." She said and smiled as the boy yawned and settled down into sleep. "And he looks like you, too." Ami and Michiru exchanged glances and Ami smiled even more as the senshi of the wide ocean nodded. "I've never seen Hotaru so excited. Guess she's the proudest bigger sister the world has ever seen." Said Setsuna but kept leaning against the wall. She knew she would get her chance to look at the new life closer. Suddenly Minako freed herself from Ami's comforting embrace and the tears dried immediately at her now redden cheeks. Stars sparkled in her eyes and automatically the rest of the sailor team had to grin. “Let’s show them the presents before Usagi’s ready watching the babies behind the window. And before Hotaru comes in and jumps around screaming.” Said the senshi of love and handled the first wrapped gift. Haruka smiled and looked up at them. The Sailor Team. Her best friends. My family. “Arigato.” She whispered and felt how Michiru’s embracement tightened. I love you, Ruka. She didn’t need to say it aloud. Haruka could hear those words while she unwrapped tiny shoes that fitted perfectly to her thumb. I love you, too, Michi-chan. Michiru giggled as Haruka compared it to the small child’s foot. It was still too big for the baby. Our son...
The End
What shall I say more? The idea simply crept into my head and I wrote it down within three days. I simply couldn’t stop writing and I was like obsessed.
Actually I had this idea a long time ago. But I thought that I would never write it down. Because it’s a very serious, a very sad topic. I feared that I could destroy Haruka and her wonderful character. But the idea didn’t get out of my mind. It overtook my thoughts and I simply had to write it. Hope I didn’t shook anyone.
My special thank is for my boyfriend who let me write the whole night and the whole day without being mad with me. Guess you know me now, Heiko.
My other special thank is for Phil Collins. I listened to his songs while writing this story. I love his tender and his sad songs. I like his voice very much. And I like it when he does a song together with Eric Clapton. His guitar always makes me shiver.
And another special thank is for the readers: Arigato for reading it.
April Eagle
22.09. – 24.09.2000 1
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