AN: This fic is completely independent from "Lilac Princess." PG-13 for language.
BEWARE: Great gobs of drippy sap oozing ahead! Leave now if you have dental problems. Diabetics should not read.
Drive
Song By Incubus
Story by Lady Dante
January AC 197, on a shuttle to Mars Colony...
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
Zechs Merquise looked across the chessboard at his opponent, Lucretzia Noin, as she studied the board, carefully calculating her next move. He noticed that the young woman's face was twisted into an adorable scowl, her head tilted to the right to peek around a curtain of hair. Zechs let a light smile play at the corner of his mouth as he looked at Noin. He liked watching her when she was distracted. It gave him the opportunity to really admire his beautiful friend without fear of making her uncomfortable...or revealing too much.
Zechs shifted uneasily in his seat. Revealing too much. Was that even possible with this woman? She knew his heart and soul better than he did. Despite the darkness inside of him, all he deemed worthless and despicable in his nature, she accepted him. She thought of him as an honorable--if flawed--person, worthy of her friendship.
Noin cared about him, he knew that, but his fear and guilt were always there, whispering words of doubt into his brain. It had become his mantra: She deserves better. How could such a kind person possibly love a loathsome creature such as you? She will get hurt because of you. You can't love her, you're not capable of loving anyone.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
But he did love her, so very dearly. He couldn't stop that. Zechs had finally given up trying to fight the feeling and settled for hiding that one bit of light from everyone. Even her, though he was sure Noin knew he cared for her. Why else would she still be here? Why would she have waited for him for so long, even when he was presumed dead? He certainly hadn't given her any obvious reason to remain by his side. More often than not he had intentionally treated her with a cold, detached respect, nothing more. Zechs had become infuriatingly skillful at hiding his emotions. It was instinct now.
He told himself it was to protect her. In reality, he was afraid. The young man feared losing yet another person he cared about. There had been far too much loss in his life, he wasn't strong enough to bear more. So he never actually told Noin how he felt. He was afraid that if he said it out loud, it would break. All of it. His love, his heart, his life. Zechs rested his chin on his fist as he looked at the lovely young woman before him. Yes, he loved her, in spite of his best efforts not to.
No matter how hard he had tried to push her away over the years, Noin had always been there when he needed her. She never judged him. Always following him, as she did now, but never blindly. She held him accountable for his actions--his mistakes--but she forgave him without bitterness. And she accepted him as he was.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
With open arms and open eyes.
Noin looked at the precariously balanced chessboard and contemplated the layout. She had a good idea about the next move Zechs would make and was trying to figure out a way to block it. She loved playing chess, especially with Zechs. Although he was a challenging opponent, Noin usually won. She knew how his mind worked and used that knowledge to her advantage.
She had used her knowledge of him to her advantage in another situation as well. She felt the muscles in her face tighten as she recalled the incident. Epyon. She wondered, not for the first time, what had possessed Treize to build that damnable thing. Had he actually intended to drive Zechs mad? If so, he had failed. Zechs managed to keep himself from falling into the abyss of insanity the Zero system created...just as Noin had believed he would..
He remembered the incident with shame and bitterness, she didn't. It was simultaneously the best and worst moment of that entire horrible war. Yes, Zechs had scared the hell out of her and Noin had doubted him, his sanity...but in the end she trusted him to do the right thing. Her faith in him had been proven just. If Zechs had been as far gone as everyone else seemed to think, she would be dead now. She wasn't. He hadn't been able to kill her. That proved she had been right, the man she loved was still there, buried beneath the years of guilt, anger and blood. Twisted into an almost unrecognizable shape by the Zero system and his own ghosts, but still there.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
I'll be there.
Noin drew strength from her feelings for Zechs. She had known him half of her life and loved him almost as long. Loving him was as much a part of who she was as her eye color or her sense of humor. It had always been there and to let it go would be like cutting off a limb. The way she loved him changed over the years. First, she loved him as a friend or even a brother, later it was closer to hero worship. Finally, she fell in love with the man. If she wasn't certain precisely when she had fallen in love with her fellow soldier, she knew the exact moment that she became aware of it. The same moment she confessed her feelings for Zechs to his sister was the moment she realized it herself. Understanding her own feelings gave her a new perspective on Zechs as well. She made a silent vow to herself that day to always be there for him, always support him.
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive.
Will I choose water over wine?
And hold my own and drive?
Epyon. Zechs cringed at the memory. He still had nightmares about the incident. He had almost killed her. He had wanted to kill her. A foot closer and...he couldn't bring himself to finish the thought. That act alone proved he was unworthy of her love...but, as she would probably remind him, he didn't get to decide that. Zechs had no more control over what Noin felt for him than he had over what he felt for her. It simply was. His love for her had been buried deep within his cold heart longer than Zechs could remember. One warm spark keeping his soul alive. That one spark kept him sane enough to turn Epyon before it was too late. She saved herself in that moment simply by saying his name. If it had been anyone else...
Noin had saved him from oblivion and didn't even realize it.
Through all his many incarnations, she had been constant. As changeable as Zechs had become over the past two years, Noin remained true. She was able to see through all the masks, right to the deepest, darkest part of his heart and didn't turn away. She saw something in him he couldn't--or wouldn't--see in himself. Something worth loving. He realized for the first time that this wasn't just about admitting he loved her. It was also about accepting her love in return.
It's driven me before and it seems to be
The way that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found.
Zechs decided right there to accept whatever Noin was willing to give. If she could forgive him, he decided, then maybe it was time he forgave himself. He had been given more chances than any man could possibly deserve and he was determined not to waste this one.
His expression changed as he considered what this meant. Maybe they really could start over. Together. It was an amazing thought. Zechs wanted to grab Noin and swing her around. Or just pick her up out of that chair and kiss her till they both passed out. Reason and propriety, of course, told him that he couldn't just throw himself at her like that. Would she even want him to? Should he take that risk?
To hell with analyzing this. They were alone together for the first time in years. He wouldn't get another chance like this for a long time. Screw propriety.
So whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
With open arms and open eyes.
Noin knew him, understood him better than she understood herself sometimes. Zechs Merquise, Milliardo Peacecraft, Preventer Wind...whatever he was calling himself this week. He could call himself Dwayne Finkelstein for all she cared. She was in love with the man, not his name. So, she forgave him when he needed it and made him face his demons when he didn't want to.
Noin studied the placement of the chess pieces and smiled to herself as a new strategy occurred to her. Five moves to checkmate. She moved her knight into position and looked up. She was about to tell Zechs it was his move, but the look on his face stopped her. For some reason, she was having a particularly difficult time reading his expression. Zechs had cultivated an almost impenetrable emotional mask over the years, but Noin was equally adept at reading the subtle clues in his body language. Not this time, however. This time she couldn't read him at all. That worried her.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
I'll be there.
They stared at each other over the chessboard for a long moment, Noin's expression silently asking what was wrong. Her partner's face did not betray a hint of what had transpired in his mind over the past few minutes. Without warning, Zechs lunged forward, grasping Noin's arms and knocking the chess set to the floor in the process. He pulled her forward as he closed the short distance between them, covering her mouth with his own. His haste and desperation made the kiss harsher than he intended, but he didn't pull away. Not this time. He put every ounce of his love for her into that kiss, praying silently that she would understand what he was trying to tell her and forgive his method.
He pulled away slowly, keeping his face level with hers. The look in her eyes was one of pure shock. For a moment, he worried that he had misjudged the situation after all. The voice of doubt that had plagued him for so long once again whispered to him. She doesn't love you like THAT, idiot. Zechs pushed away the nagging uncertainty and stood his ground. He wouldn't run. Not this time. Never again.
He leaned towards her again, halting when his lips were barely brushing hers. He resisted the temptation to kiss her and just hovered there for a long moment...he wanted Noin to see this one coming. If he had indeed misjudged the situation, she had plenty of time to push him away, slap him, whatever. She did neither.
Would you choose water over wine...
Hold the wheel and drive?
What the hell was that? Noin, still quite stunned, sat looking up into the face of the man she loved. Did he just...? Damn. Zechs Merquise just kissed the hell out of her and all she could do was sit there and stare at him. If not for the fact that he was still leaning over her, holding her arms in a death grip, she might have been able to convince herself she had daydreamed the whole thing. But it was real. He was so close she could feel his warm breath on her face, his excruciating proximity muddling all coherent thought. For the first time in her young life, Noin was at a complete loss.
Zechs leaned towards her again, slowly this time, and paused just as his lips met hers. Noin wondered briefly why he had stopped, then realized he was waiting for her approval. She placed her trembling hands on either side of his face, pulling Zechs forward. The kiss was softer this time, slow and warm, as they sampled each other without reservation.
The grip Zechs had on her arms relaxed a bit as he gently pulled Noin to her feet, careful not to break the kiss. When she was standing, he released the young woman's arms and moved his hands to caress her back, lightly stroking as her muscles relaxed. Noin tangled her fingers in Zechs's pale hair as she cradled the back of his head. She indulged in the sweet taste of his lips for several more minutes before reluctantly pulling back.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
With open arms and open eyes.
Zechs looked down at her, smiling warmly as he nervously made fists in the fabric at Noin's waist. She gazed up at him lovingly. Noin knew what was coming next and was willing to wait patiently. She had waited years for this, a few more moments for Zechs to collect himself didn't matter now. He took a breath and let it out slowly before speaking. "I love you, Noin."
He said it. Out loud. Noin knew how hard that had been for him and why. It wasn't a surprise, she had known for some time now that he loved her as more than a friend, but still...
"I know, Zechs," she replied quietly, "but thank you for saying it." His smile broadened. Noin reached up and gently touched his face once more, her eyes glossing over with tears. "I love you, too." At that, Zechs caught her in a tight embrace, hugging Noin so fiercely that he was almost lifting her off of her feet.
As Zechs buried his face in the warm curve of her neck, Noin clung to him, straining on her toes to reach him. She pressed her face into his shoulder and inhaled his marvelous scent, delighting in the feeling of his arms around her. She felt happy and dizzy and...well, giddy. There was no other way to describe the delicious feeling. The burden of unspoken devotion was finally lifted in that one brief declaration. They had a chance at a normal life now. Up to this point, nothing about their relationship had ever qualified as easy or common. They certainly earned a chance at normalcy.
So what were they supposed to do now? They weren't ready for marriage by a long shot, but...what? Start dating? She almost giggled at the ridiculous thought, but fought the urge. Giggling led to laughter and Noin's laugh was a cackle at best. A cackle followed by a rather undignified snort, if she thought something was extremely funny. The last thing she needed right now was to let out an embarrassing snort.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
I'll be there.
He said it. Out loud. The sky didn't fall, the shuttle didn't explode, angels didn't fly down and carry his love away. The moments ticked by as they had before...save for the wonderful feeling Zechs now enjoyed. Three words and his captive heart was set free. It really was that simple.
This is it. No more running. He was tired of being a coward. It was time to turn, face his future and let go of the past. All that mattered now was Noin and the life they would build. But how were they supposed to go about it? Should he ask her to marry him? He certainly loved her enough. Zechs knew, however, that he and Noin had a great number of things to work out before they would be ready for marriage. Time, the war and their own mistakes had taken quite a toll on their relationship. There was damage left to repair and trust to rebuild before they could start a family together.
So, what was he supposed to do right now? Something stupid like ask her to be his girlfriend? That silly antiquated term seemed woefully inadequate to describe his feelings for her. Were they supposed to start dating? What a concept. He grinned against her neck. Lifting his head until his lips were at Noin's ear, Zechs asked, "So, Noin...what are you doing Saturday night?"
His joke was rewarded with a muffled cackle followed by a rather undignified snort.
+++++++++++++ Done, Finished, That's All Folks ++++++++++++++
[chews nail nervously] Was it any good? I know the "They're-on-the-shuttle-to-Mars-and-confess-their-love" idea has been done many times before and probably much better, but hopefully mine is original enough to be interesting. This was my first songfic. It was much harder than I thought it would be and took great effort! Be nice, but tell me what I did wrong and how to make it better, ok? Please? Anybody?
This was written to fulfill a request [DEMAND, actually] by my younger cousin for a story about Zechs and Noin as adults. She wants kissing scenes...she's at that age [aren't we all]. I wrote this for her as a "thank you" for convincing me to post "The Lilac Princess"[No, it's not finished. Yes, I'm working on it.]. My cousin kind of reminds me of a chibi version of evil Lady Une, so I call her the Evil Chibi, if that tells you anything. Thanks Evil Chibi!
Sorry about making Noin a cackler, but I have observed that beautiful people have idiotic laughs. Ever heard Julia Roberts laugh? 'Nuff said. I figure it's the Universe's way of evening things out.
Zechs & Noin Finkelstein...has a ring to it...Thanks for letting me use your name, Dwayne. Mwah!
Disclaimer [arrgh! Another one!]: I do not own Gundam Wing. I do not own the song "Drive." They belong to groups of imaginary people in weird suits far far away in the Land of Corporations and the Realm of Legal Technicalities.
