No Life To Live

Prologue: Suicide Attempt

By: Vampira Maxwell

Anime series: Gundam Wing

Romance/drama

Not a lemon or a lime

Yaoi: Heero and Duo

Story blurb: Heero lives by himself. This is after all of the wars have been fought and won. All the pilots live by themselves. It's been a year since they all went separate ways and Heero can't find a meaning to his life anymore. He decides that his soul purpose for being alive was to fight in the wars. Now that they are over, he has served his purpose and is no longer needed. He decides that it's time for him to die, especially since the emotions that wont leave him be are very painful.

Dedication: This fic is dedicated to my good friend SkyLark, who inspired me to start writing yaoi/shounen ai.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. The only characters that are mine are the ones that don't belong to or in Gundam Wing.

Heero sat on his bed thinking. He wasn't needed anymore. All the pilots had gone separate ways and, true he hadn't tried to contact them, but their silence must have meant that they didn't want to see or hear from him and didn't care, either, so Dr. J had been right after all. He was here for the soul purpose to fight in the wars and now that he had done that and peace had finally been attained he was no longer needed or wanted. Duo lived on Earth as well, but he had originally planned to go back to L2 and his junkyard. He loved it on Earth so much, especially at night, that he decided to stay in America, where his ancestors were from. He'd once said that he could have even been born in the states, himself, but had somehow wound up on L2. There were numerous possibilities supporting it. He could have traveled there with his parents or parent or some relative as a small baby and somewhere along the line, something had happened to the person that had taken him there and he'd been left alone and he'd blocked it all out of his memory and couldn't remember. Or something had happened and he'd stowed away on a carrier to L2 and he'd blocked that from his memory or he was still so young that he was just old enough to get on and not be noticed by anyone and was never found and just couldn't remember because he'd been three or four at the time. Maybe even five. Most people he knew didn't remember anything from when they were five. He'd never shut his mouth the whole time Heero knew him and all of this had come out of that mouth of his. Something had happened to Heero. He had so many mixed feelings that he wasn't familiar with and didn't understand in the least and it was hurting. Whenever he thought of Duo he had an ache in his heart. Sometimes he suffered from insomnia at night.

"No, no one cares. So, Duo liked to hang around me all the time. He was probably just seeing me as a challenge. He wanted to see how long it would take him to get me to open up and then what I'd spill out to him. Besides, he argued with Wufei as well. Trowa just wouldn't talk or get into an argument of any kind with him. I suppose I was more fun, because I'd eventually say something, but he wanted more than one word sentences. A challenge and a machine. That's all I was to anyone. The Perfect Soldier." Heero had said this to himself, millions of times and he began to believe it.

This was it, he was going to kill himself. But, he had to do something first. He had to say goodbye to the other pilots. He didn't know exactly how he would do it without them knowing, though. He did know that if he took too long talking to Duo, he wouldn't do it, so he was going to make Duo's message short, sweet and to the point.

"Yeah, Quatre? This is Heero. I was wondering how you were." Heero said, and started a long conversation, since this would be the last time he was ever going to talk to the fair haired boy. "Yes. I need to go. I want to call the others as well. Goodbye, Quatre, thanks for talking to me." Heero said. He waited, just this once, since it would be his last, for Quatre to say goodbye, then he hung up the phone. He repeated the process with all of them. Wufei and Trowa had asked questions, suspicious of why Heero would call them and want to be so talkative. Heero just said that he must have been hanging around Duo too much while they were partners. They'd accepted that answer. He didn't know if they believed him, but they accepted it. They'd know that they shouldn't have believed or accepted that answer, though, when news reached their ears about him committing suicide. Heero would call everyone today and sleep one last time in his bed, sleep in a bit and then have one last meal and kill himself. But, right now, he had to call Duo.

The phone rang and rang. Finally Duo answered the phone. "Yo, talk to me!" came Duo's voice. Heero smiled to himself. "Duo, this is Heero." Heero said. "Heero! I didn't expect ya to call! What's the occasion?" Duo asked, smartly. "Ha, ha, Duo. I just called to tell you something, then you can go ahead and forget I called." Heero said. Duo rolled his eyes, though Heero couldn't see it. But, he knew Duo well enough to know that he had done it anyway. "Don't roll your eyes at me Duo." Heero stated. "How'd you know? Last time I checked you or I didn't have a vid-phone." Duo said. "Never mind. I just wanted to say that you were a good friend in the wars and since I've known you..." Duo cut him off. "Wow, thanks, buddy, but why're you tellin' me this? Come to beg me to come back to Japan to make your life complete, because you've just found out you can't live without me?" Duo asked, adding more than he needed to, just in case Heero was still as brain dead as he used to be about most of Duo's jokes or he just didn't care. Sometimes Duo just wasn't sure, but he could see flickers of emotion in Heero's eyes sometimes and knew he wasn't being ignored. "And....to tell you.....goodbye." Heero said. Heero listened for a few minutes to Duo's wild chatter about 'what the hell that was supposed to mean' , before he hung up on him.

Duo's eyes widened as he heard the click and then that annoying noise, like a busy signal, but a little different on the phone. He was sitting there babbling so long, he'd caused Heero to hang up on him. He'd just have to go see him then. He had a theory as to why Heero had said goodbye and prayed he was totally wrong and in any case, just wanted to see Heero again.

The next day, Heero was in the bathroom, about to kill himself. He had briefly toyed with the idea of taking pills and just going to sleep and never waking up again, but he thought that for what he had done, he should have a death that he would feel. He didn't want to inflict any wounds on himself that would make someone upset to see them. He knew that Quatre would come to his funeral. Because, Quatre had known him and would feel it his duty to at least show up for his funeral, and it would probably be the same if Heero had ever gotten married. And Quatre wouldn't want to see Heero's neck slit or his wrists slit or any sort of wound. No, he figured Quatre would want to just see him as if he were sleeping. Eternal sleep. Eternal rest. He doubted Trowa would come, but Wufei would, because he would consider it dishonoring himself if he didn't go to a fellow warriors funeral, even if he didn't die in battle or in war time and an injustice to the one that was dead. Duo might come. But, he was pretty unpredictable. Though, Heero would like to think that Duo would come to his funeral, even if he probably wouldn't be able to see him, even from wherever he was when he died. Probably Hell. He decided to drown himself. In the bathtub.

The water was warm. Heero got into the tub, clothes and all, and laid back. No matter how much he wanted too, he didn't go up for air and no matter how much it hurt he wouldn't. Soon, he was plunged into darkness. He had also, left the tub running.

Part 1: Discovery

Duo knocked on the door to Heero's house. No answer. His car was there and people had said that Heero hadn't come out of his house that day. Duo got scared, what if he was right and that 'goodbye' was meant to be final? Duo quickly tried to pick the lock, but for some reason it wouldn't work. Heero must have done something to that lock himself, but what, Duo didn't know. Finally he just started ramming it. Figuring that if Heero was in the house and able, he would open the door, rather than have it busted down. Duo got the door open on the third ram, by using all of his weight and strength. He'd ended up almost falling on his face, but he managed to not fall and ran around the house, yelling for Heero.

Duo came to a certain part of the house and when he ran by a door he'd heard something. It was running water. Duo opened the door and went inside the room. It was Heero's bedroom. He walked to the door he heard it from. He stepped close to the door, preparing to knock in case Heero'd been taking a shower or a bath or something and hadn't heard the sounds of the door being knocked on or rammed in, because the bedroom was at the end of the house and upstairs at that. Duo heard a sound when he stepped on the carpet next to the door. Sort of like a smack. Duo looked down and saw that the floor was completely drenched by the door and steadily increasing. "Shit!" Duo yelled, fearing the worst. He turned the knob. It was open. The light was on and the shower curtain drawn. Duo whipped it back, hoping that Heero had just been relaxing in the tub and hadn't noticed the water running over or anything like that. It might have been embarrassing for Duo and maybe Heero as well, but at least Heero would be alive to BE embarrassed! No such luck. Duo saw Heero laying down in the tub, the tub full of water. Heero was completely submersed in the water and wasn't moving. Heero's hair and shirt moved with the water, but nothing else. Duo didn't have time to take real close inspection of Heero. He jerked Heero up out of the water. Heero wasn't breathing.

"Shit! Please, don't leave me, now! I thought you said I was your friend?! How could you do this to me if I was such a good friend?!" Duo asked aloud, not really angry with Heero, just scared that he might have been too late. He checked Heero's pulse. A very, very faint pulse was there, but a pulse none the least. That was good. Duo knew how to take care of something like this without doctors or medical staff of any kind. He was trained in case it were necessary for him to revive someone and keep them healthy until he got whatever he wanted or they could fight again, assuming, that is, that they were Gundam pilots and needed to live. A drowning could occur at anytime and he had to know this.

Once Duo got Heero breathing again to where he was just 'sleeping', now. He was really still passed out, but Duo was confident that he got there in time, so Heero didn't go into a coma or something. He changed Heero out of the cold clothes.

"Sheeze, I gotta undress him now." Duo thought, blushing a little. He went to Heero's closet and looked around. He didn't find anything that would be suited for just sleep and he wasn't sure if Heero even had any pajamas. He looked in Heero's dresser drawers. He'd found what he wanted. A pair of socks, a pajama top and bottom that matched and went together, and some boxer shorts. He took off Heero's wet socks first and dried his feet off with a towel, being careful not to be too rough. He didn't know, really, how to do this to anyone, but himself. Dress them, anyway and dry them off. He didn't want to be too rough and hurt Heero. He might not wake him up, but he still didn't want to hurt Heero. He put the socks on his feet and took his pants off next, then his shirt. Duo readied the boxers so he could get them fast. He took Heero's wet ones off, trying not to look, but it was impossible, when he had to dry him off, otherwise the new clothes wouldn't be worth a damn, they'd just get wet. Duo decided that Heero wasn't awake to catch him staring, so he decided to look. He wouldn't be at peace until he did. He was beginning to think he really was a pervert. 'Well, at least I'm not touching it.' Duo thought to himself. He shook his head to get those naughty thoughts out of his head and slipped the new boxers onto Heero, then the pajama bottoms and top. Duo dried Heero's hair carefully and gently.

He didn't know why, but he just wanted to hold Heero. Heero had almost died and Duo didn't think that it was accidental that Heero ended up laying down in a bathtub full of water, with the tub overflowing and still fully clothed. He'd almost lost Heero back there. He sighed and took Heero into his arms and rocked him, while sitting on the bed, stroking his hair.

Heero started to stir, just as Duo got tired and was about to fall asleep. Duo snapped to attention. "Heero?" Duo asked. Heero looked at him confusedly. "I know you said you were Death, but I didn't think it were really true. At least.....I'm supposed to be dead." Heero said. "Why, Heero? Why do you wanna die? You're not dead, but why do you want to be?" Duo asked. "Because, my purpose is gone. I haven't a purpose now that I can't fight, I have no purpose and I'm not supposed to have emotions and I do. I just don't know what to do with them and they've already started aching. Dr. J was right. Emotions do hurt and they are bad." Heero said. "No, Heero. Emotions are good for you. Sure, they hurt sometimes, but the pain eventually goes away. It doesn't seem like it ever will at the time, but it does. Certain emotions just take longer." Duo said. "But, I don't know what these emotions are, because I'm not supposed to have them and if I'm not supposed to have them I didn't need to know them. No one ever talked to me about anything, it was just train, train, train, and then off to Operation Meteor. I'm a machine and that's all I'll ever be." Heero said. "You're wrong Heero. You're not a machine and you're supposed to have emotions, why else would you have the ability to feel them if you weren't supposed to have them?" Duo asked. "There is no answer to that." Heero said. "Yes, there is. You were wrong, Heero." Duo said. Heero brought his arms up to return Duo's embrace. "Heero, I know you're probably really confused right now, but you should try to get some rest. I promise I wont leave. I'll stay right here with you and take care of you until you're 100% better." Duo said, cheerfully.

Part 2: Recovery

Days passed and Duo made good to his promise. He never left Heero. He was always at least a call away. Duo had even rigged it up so that he didn't have to leave for stuff. Other people agreed to do it after they heard that Heero was sick and didn't want to be left alone. So, it wasn't TOTALLY true. He was sick, technically. He wasn't well enough to do much. Heero was allowed, by the overprotective Duo, to get up and at least leave bed for a few hours, before Duo made him go to his room. And if Heero didn't go, once Duo had actually picked Heero up and draped him over his shoulder and deposited him on the bed and said, "Now, you be a good little boy and stay in bed." With a huge smirk on his face. Heero had, for once, played along, only making Duo take his temperature, because he was playing around. Heero had actually thought that humorous, rather than annoying.

It was late and Heero was having some sort of nightmare. Duo got up and went over to Heero. For some reason, Heero couldn't be shaken out of his dream no matter how hard Duo tried, but he didn't want to shake too hard and hurt Heero. He climbed into bed with him and held him. Heero stirred and woke up. "Heero, I'm sorry, you were tossing and turning and I..." Duo stopped. There was something in Heero's eyes that Duo'd never seen before. Duo was sure, that, actually, he'd seen that look mixed in with confusion, but hadn't paid any attention to it, but now there was no confusion. Whatever it was Heero had sorted it out somehow and the look in his eyes was now raw emotion. Heero had obviously deemed Duo worthy of seeing the true Heero Yuy. What he was really like. Or maybe there was more to it than that. Duo was going to stop those thoughts, before he got too mystical. He hated when he did that.

"Duo, I have to tell you something, before I chicken out and I hope you wont hate me." Heero said. "Heero, I could never hate you. I could be mad at you, but that would go away real quick, 'cause it's hard for me to do even that, but I could NEVER EVER hate you." Duo said, tucking some of Heero's hair behind his ears. "I...I'm not good at this emotions thing, but I..." Heero couldn't seem to get it out. "It's okay, Heero. You can tell me later. When you're ready." Duo said, wondering what exactly it was that Heero wanted to say. Heero hugged Duo and whispered in his ear. "No, I have to tell you now. I love you, Duo Maxwell." Heero said. Duo's eyes widened. Duo had wished for this, but doubted that it would ever happen. "I love you too, Heero." Duo said, quietly, tightening his grip on Heero, not wanting to let go just yet. He had told himself long ago that he wasn't going to fall in love or care for someone ever again, because they always died in the end, but he couldn't help it. This love for Heero happened so fast that he couldn't stop it and he probably wouldn't have been able to, anyway. He just couldn't help it and he could deny it all he wanted, but the fact still remained that he DID love Heero and Heero loved him.

Heero pulled away to look at Duo. Duo couldn't stand it. He'd been aching to kiss him for a long time, now and he had the chance and he'd be damned if he was going to pass it up. He leaned closer and kissed Heero full on the lips. Heero returned the kiss with more passion than he thought he had. Duo wrapped his arms around Heero.

Duo had wanted to do this for a while, now. A long while. Duo, also, wanted to know how Heero would react to certain things. Sort of like, figuring out what he liked and what he didn't. He slid his hand downward. Heero didn't object to it, so Duo kept going, until he came to the hem of Heero's shirt and slipped his hand up his shirt. Heero tensed and Duo stopped for a moment. Heero seemed to relax and Duo let his hand start to move again. He ran his hand along every inch of Heero's skin, under his shirt, memorizing him. Heero, still kissing Duo, leaned back in the bed, taking Duo with him. Duo was almost completely on top of Heero. "Heero." Duo said, wondering if Heero even knew what he was doing. As far as he knew, Heero had never even been kissed before. Though, Heero sure knew how to do it. Heero responded by kissing Duo again. Duo was sure that Heero wasn't ready for this. He just had a feeling. He didn't know if Heero knew what he was starting to let Duo do, but Duo doubted he'd let himself go further with Heero, however tempting. The only thing Heero might know is that he had some sort of feelings for Duo and that whatever Duo was doing to him, felt good. That didn't mean that he was ready for it.

Duo decided that he'd stop now, before he went too far. If Heero wasn't ready for this, but only just thought he was, what Duo would be doing to him, wouldn't be very far from rape. He wasn't going to do that. He wanted to be absolutely sure that Heero wanted it, before he did anything to him. "Heero, we should stop. This is going a little fast." Duo said. Heero didn't seem to want to stop. He kissed Duo again, this time wrapping his arms around Duo's neck, drawing him closer to him and further on top of him. Duo stopped it. He was sure, now, that Heero just knew that it felt good or right. Or maybe both, but he didn't think that he knew what he was asking him to do, by continuing. He wasn't surprised. He knew about Dr. J and what he'd drilled into Heero's head and none of it, that he knew of, had anything to do with sex or anything related to it. He supposed that Dr. J didn't teach him, because Dr. J had drilled into him that he didn't need feelings and he shouldn't have them. That there wasn't any need for them when you were the Perfect Soldier. "No, Heero. I mean it. We should stop. Kissing is okay, but, for now, that's as far as we should go." Duo said. If he'd gone on to say why, Heero would deny that he wasn't ready. It was just something that Heero was taught. It might, even if only briefly, lead him to consider that that meant that he were weak and deny it and do something that he wasn't ready for. Duo wanted to make love to Heero tonight, but Heero wasn't ready for it. Duo could see that. Besides, they had plenty of time for that. They were still young and they had just found out that they each loved each other. Neither had even taken the step, yet, to tell the other that they loved them. Not out loud, anyway.